A Very Serious Adventure

Deliver a letter. But that doesn't matter. You'll never get around to it, the whole place is too damn farcical. You're going to, like, take an alleyway to save some time and a couple of really AWFUL three-card Monte dealers will accost you, but end up taking a shining to you, and start following you like lost puppies and commenting on everything you do. You'll spend a couple of hours trying to shake them as their helpfulness gets in the way of things and they drop the letter in the puddle or something; the short, fat one (there always is one) will offer to draft up a new letter for you, like "F" or "Q." But now they figure that they ought to be repaying you for their mistake, make right, and OH LOOK, DOESN'T THAT CONVENIENTLY LET THEM FALL INTO THE SERVILE ARCHETYPE. You'll go somewhere to hide when you think you lost them in the crowd, like behind a watermelon cart that you thought sold watermelon but only smashed it. In the process of hiding, you'll bump into, literally bump into, a beautiful and level-headed woman. You introduce yourselves to each other and have a sweet moment, marred a bit by the comedic misunderstanding that the watermelon gunk on your shirt is actually blood. You'll have already agreed to go on a date by the time the two fuckleheads catch up to you and tell you that that's the king's only daughter and heir to the throne or something! Nah, that's too high-ranking. A lord's lady? A duke's dame? One of those three. But whatever the rank, that dude is basically retarded in the truest sense of the word. Anyway, she has an arranged marriage and the dude who is set to marry her is basically evil incarnate and has a plot to marry her then kill the king or her or both and then take the money. He has a lackey with a hump on his back and yellow skin, but his teeth are perfection, because, you know, juxtaposition. The bad dude abuses his lackey. Nobody else catches on to any of this, besides you, who only gradually figures it all out over the course of Acts II and III, and nobody believes you until jussst the right moment, when the lackey switches sides, the three-card Monte servants finally pay back their due with a big sweeping save-your-life moment, which in no way karmically equates with a dropped piece of paper but whatever, and the bad guy gets a pie in the face or shoved into a river or some other underminingly silly repercussion that also doesn't add up karmically to what he planned to do and-or did do. Three months later, you and the girl get married. The three-card Monte guys are there, they cleaned up their act. They now own a casino! RIMSHOT. And whatever the king guy's flaw was he's clearly shown to have that under control -- if he had bad eyesight, he's wearing glasses; if he had marriage problems, him and his wife hold hands, give each other warm looks and share a little kiss after the "you may kiss the bride" part of the speech; if he had a profound lack of pants, he will now be wearing 12 pairs of pants because he missed the point. The lackey dude is still as ugly as ever, but he found someone JUST as ugly as him! Awww. That's right, you little lackey, stay in your place and NEVER aspire to ANYTHING higher. At the end of the wedding, you all reprise the opening theme triumphantly. Curtains.