Nopor Puss Advice Column

Dear Nopor Puss,

I am a forum adventure author/main character, and I keep finding myself thrust into a variety of unpleasant and highly, highly painful situations. I was just wondering, from one adventure protagonist to another, how one goes about avoiding things like, say, being dropped out of the sky by an eagle and crashing into a swimming pool at terminal velocity. Or if I can't avoid such situations, how can I go about mitigating the damage to my precious, precious skeleton?

-Bruised and Battered in Eagle Town