GRANDMASTER ADVICE COLUMN

Dear Gakk,

Help! Against the advice of my friends, I started a Grand Battle with three thousand contestants (I swear, it seemed like a good idea at the time), and now they've all broken loose and are having orgies and beating up the Gentleman and all that nonsense. Do you have any idea how I can get this situation under control?

P.S. I am going to you for advice by the suggestion of one of the contestants, on the condition that he gets to win the battle when I get rid of everyone else. I think that seems reasonable enough.

Sincerely, The Ambition