GRANDMASTER ADVICE COLUMN

Dear GAC

I tried cloning my contestants and I ended up with a pile of sludge that ate my shoe and I have had to barricade myself in a cupboard. What do?

- The Incompetant

Dear Incomp,

Oh? You're in a cupboard? You may be able to get out of this situation yet! Simply turn your cupboard into a magical gateway to a fantasy land, conquer it brutally, and make it your home! Then seal the region you entered off as a wasteland for no one to enter, ever.

-GAC.

Dear Columnist

As of recent, I have been noticing a large amount of people who are stealing my image by punching the shit out of each other.
That is what I do!
How can I get back the monopoly on solving all of problems with fists?

Thanks in advance
-The Puncher

Dear Punch,

Unfortunately, punching people who know how to punch tend to punch back. If you think you have the fistpower, try to punch all those punching posers into punching submission. If this does not work, become representative of another kind of violence, such as The Kicker or The Garroter.

Dear Columnist

Like all sensible superentities, I named myself after a significant facet of my personality arising from an event that happened long in the past.
When I eventually turned to hosting my own Grand Battle I made the... mistake of sending some of my contestants back in time to my own formative years and they inadvertently managed to completely rewrite that part of my history. The event I named myself after never even happened, in fact I can't even remember what it was!
I don't even know what to call myself any more! What should I do?

Yours desperately,
The

Dear ,

The obvious solution to the problem is to travel back in time and have another influential event happen to you. This has several distinct advantages, including being able to choose your name again! Some people end up with names that honestly aren't all that great, so, if you have the opportunity, try to cause a name change! Plus, there's always a possibility that the action you are going to do in the past was the action you named yourself around all along. Make sure to kill one of those pesky contestants, too!

-GAC

COLUMNIST

IS THAT WHAT YOU NOW CALL YOURSELF

I KNOW YOUR TRUE NATURE

YOUR CRIMES SHALL NOT GO UNPUNISHED

THIS IS NOT A WARNING

THIS IS A PROPHECY

YOU CAN NEVER TRULY ESCAPE

BRING IT.

-The Management

Dear GAC,

[redacted]

The [redacted]

Dear [redacted],

[redacted]

-GAC