GRANDMASTER ADVICE COLUMN

Dear GAC:

One of my contestants tapped into a source of incredible power and is about to figure out how to break through the dimensional barriers to come and find me and they aren't happy.

What's the best way to prepare for their arrival? I tried warping them into a sun, but they'd already figured out how to block my influence from that dimension.

Please answer quickly,
The Unprepared

Dear Unprepared,

Thankfully, if you've set up a level 4 dimensional barrier or higher, the contestant will be so tired out by the time he reaches you, that you can pretty much just kick him while he's on the ground a few times and then he's dead. Actually, rejoice! What this probably means is that the round is about to end and you get to show the contestants a new, pretty setting for them to destroy.

If your contestant has reached, like, a power level more powerful than a grandmaster, or you have less than a level 4 dimensional barrier there's nothing you can really do besides die with whatever scrap of honor you may have left you WEAKLING.

-GAC

Dear Columnist

I'm new to these Grand Battles things, and it makes me kind of sad to see people killing one another for no real reason? What should I do?

Yours bewilderedly,
The Dreamer

Dear Dreamer,

Finally! Someone used my actual name instead of GAC or whatever stupid abbreviation or something.

-GAC

Dear GAC,

I-I-

T-they've forced me into this. I didn't want to do it. Everyone's...everyone's out to get me. Just b-because they want to...because they w-want to see what h-happens, what happens w-when you put someone...someone wh-who...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

H-how am I supposed to find eight battlers?! I d-don't even-

They j-just want to see me fail, don't they?! It's all p-part of a l-larger m-metagrand, I-I just know it! Th-they just w-want me out! They d-don't want me! L-last in first out, that's all they want!

I N-N-NEED HELP

S-signed,
The Neophyte

Dear Neo,

Every single line of this message is true. If you deliver a billion universes to my door within the next 30 days, I can send help and your life will be spared. Also, you must constantly wear a cactus on your head, or THEY WILL GET YOU.

-GAC

GAC ERROR REPORT OF SESSION 8301 RE: GBCE FATAL CRASH
MINI GRAND HAS COME TO STANDSTILL AFTER MUTUAL TRUCE EXCLAIMED BY CONTESTANTS

The Columnist does not respond to spambots.

-The Managment

Dear GAC,

I tried running a Grand Battle, because I figured it couldn't be all that hard, but when I introduced myself even my Grandmasters started snickering! I don't get it. Is it because I'm a girl? Or was my miner motif just silly looking?

Sincerely,
The Golddigger

Dear digger,

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

-GAC