GRANDMASTER ADVICE COLUMN

Dear The Advisor,

I've been running a contest to get a great chef to make a meal for me, but none of them have cooked anything in months! How can I persuade them to work faster? I'm getting hungry here!

The Gourmet

Gourmet,

What you have to do, obviously, is hire a starwhale to get on their backs. Starwhales are known to be efficient managers and are able to get things done fairly quickly and well. If you have a starwhale accost them, telling them to make gourmet food, then they will certainly clean up their act!

-GAC

Grandmaster Advice Column,

I've run into an acquaintance who insisted on killing his contestants instead of letting them run a Grand Battle, but stopped because some pernickety little self-righteous contributor to his local trash-rag told him to stop. Can you tell me the appropriate course of action with this little upstart?

Kind Regards

Journal Burner

Dear Burn,

The obvious answer is to punch all of the idiots involved in the face. This will solve this problem in every way,

-GAC