Timu's Doctor Who and Torchwood Reviews (spoilers!)

dr13 s3 ep2
part 2 of 6 of the Flux Series

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Timu — Today at 1:49 PM
doctor who time
it's episode 2 of this flux series
previously on doctor who, the wave of thanos dust was about to hit the tardis
oh no
cliffhanger
doctor finds herself in a monochrome world with a fancy house



that's probably going to be important
not now though
doctor wakes up from the vision, on the Crimean War battleground in 1850. yaz and dan are there too, but then they dissappear because of time nonsense


☆ C.H.W.O.K.A ☆ — Today at 1:54 PM
It's Dan...


Timu — Today at 1:54 PM
as per wikipedia: "The Crimean War[e] was a military conflict fought from October 1853 to February 1856[9] in which Russia Sontarans (the potato baby aliens from doctor who) lost to an alliance of France, the Ottoman Empire, the United Kingdom and just british people Sardinia."

yeah it's dan!!

thanks to all the time thanos dust nonsense, the sontarans snuck in while no one was looking to change the history of earth

now you'd think that if you had time travel and wanted to take over the planet you'd do it right from the beginning, like, dinosaur early, or earlier or something?
the doctor asks the sontaran general why they chose to attack the the crimean war

and the sontaran general was like "uhh it's special cause russia.. something... various bullshit reasons/excuses... " (and then direct quote time) "... and also I wanted to ride a horse"

you are valid sontaran general
thank you for giving me a moral of the story to use at the very end of all this

andrea — Today at 1:58 PM
nodding
sometimes you just want to ride a horse

☆ C.H.W.O.K.A ☆ — Today at 1:59 PM
i'm no dr who expert but wasn't "go back to caveman times and take over the earth then" literally the dalek's first plan in the show

Timu — Today at 2:00 PM
i wouldn't be surprised but lemme go check
looking at the plot summary of the very first dalek episode back in 1963
"[The Doctor] conclude that Daleks need radiation to survive and decide to bombard the atmosphere with more radiation."
i thought that was funny
"In order to save them from the Daleks, the TARDIS crew convinces the Thals of the importance of aggression and warfare,"
i'm
gonna assume this sounds less ridiculous if you actually watch these old episodes but
i don't care

☆ C.H.W.O.K.A ☆ — Today at 2:10 PM
it was 1963... we thought radiation was good

Timu — Today at 2:11 PM

anyways
then the british general shows up and is like 'i'm misogynistic and i wanna go and fight the sontarans with our bullets and pointy sticks' and the doctor is like 'no that's dumb they have lasers'
then the british general says "treason, go to jail' so doctor gets sent to jail so the sontarans can kill like 10000 british soldiers or something

british general stumbles back and is like 'i lost... can you help me...'

and the doctor is like yeah, so sontarans need to go to the bathroom and eat every 27 hours for 7.5 minutes and they all do it at the exact same time
so that's when we should go dump their food

and the sontarans are like 'oh no... our food... we gotta retreat... boohoo'

and then they start to leave but then the british general was like
yeah you told us to go dump the dinners but we did that and also planted tnt

and then all the sontarans blow up
then all tardis, which has been malfunctioning this whole time, suddenly works again, and takes the doctor to go fetch dan
it's dan

meanwhile
at the start of the episode dan got to see the crimean battlefield for like 20 seconds before getting flushed down the temporal toilet back to modern day 2021 liverpool
oh it's the sontarans they are here too
they were launching a simultaneous attack through time against 1850 crimean war and 2021 liverpool and no where else in time
(though they were preparing to attack the rest of the timeline. I guess they just did an early attack at crimean war to play with horses. fair)
dan meets up with his parents who are funny
then dan sneaks into the sontaran ship and beats up a sontaran
it's funny
nothing really happens besides learning the sontaran plans but i already described what the sontaran plans are
but it's funny
good work dan

unfortunately dan gets cornered by 4 sontarans, which is more than one
luckily The Dog man from last episode shows up

he's like yeah you're still my randomly assigned human that i have to take care of, so i'm gonna do everything and singlehandedly defeat all the sontarans all by myself

and then the dog guy does that by ramming one sontaran ship into another and they all blow up like dominos (time dominos)
then the doctor shows up in the tardis and is like thanks dog man talk to you later, dan wanna go find yaz now? and dan is like yea' then as soon as they get into the tardis it gets all fucky and the tardis goes all shaky and stuff and then they arrive in...

meanwhile
at the start of the episode yaz got to see the crimean battlefield for like 20 seconds before getting flushed down the temporal toilet back to ....
back to...
Triangle Chruch
Church
Triangle Church
yes
The guy from last episode, Vinder, from the list of hanging plot threads, "some guy on a space station: saw the thanos dust wave and took an escape pod" that's vinder
he like blacked out and woke up in triangel church or something

Triangle Priest says "hey bro can you fix time'
and vinder is like ??? i... i'll try?

and then yaz shows up from the temporal toilet and she's like what
where am i
Triangle Priest says "hey bro can you fix time'
and yaz is like ??? i... i'll try?

what do you call the big room of a church
tran·sept
/ˈtran(t)sept/
noun "(in a cross-shaped church) either of the two parts forming the arms of the cross shape, projecting at right angles from the nave."
that'll work

they go to the Triangle Transept
where four ladies are standing in the glowy pedestals
apparently these ladies control all of time
but two of them are dead
so time is getting all fucky and that's why the tardis has been all messed up lately

then Thanos, Thanos's Sister, and a Third Guy shows up

and they're like "hehe, fuck you triangle priests, die"
and the triangles are like "noo we are dusted"
and then they're like "yeah, yaz and vinder are gonna be the new replacement time controlly people, but only so we can control the tardis"

and then they do that and bring the tardis with dan and doctor here to Triangle Church
and Team Thanos says hehe now all of you are here and we can move onto the next phase of our plan, where we kill all of you (cliffhanger)



that's a Triangle Priest

they fly around and say cryptic stuff about time and triangles and also they are triangles
and this is Third Guy who showed up with Thanos and Thanos sister without any explanation besides 'third guy is part of team thanos'




Plot Threads from last time:
-------------------
random lady who met the doctor in the past: attacked by weeping angel
doesn't show up

dans' girlfriend: kidnapped by thanos's sister
doesn't show up

sontarans: did absolutely nothing but laugh evilly
They show up and all explode. every single one of them. all dead and blown up. no way any of them could have survived that. probably never gonna see them again ever

some rich guy in 1820: digging random tunnels for some reason
the guy shows up mysteriously in the triangle church, and chats with yaz for a bit, talking about how 'my cryptic plans aren't working fuck shit god dammit' and then leaves and doesn't come back for the rest of the episode.

some guy on a space station: saw the thanos dust wave and took an escape pod
goes to triangle church and hangs out with yaz
New Plot Thread:
-------------------
Funny Floating House: showed up briefly in a vision


Timu — Today at 2:39 PM
Overall rating:
Villain: Sontarans

death rate: 2 Triangles, like ten thousand british soldiers, like a million sontarans, three time controlly people, three rando humans in 2021 killed by sontarans

birth rate: yaz and vinder turned into time controlly people. also Third Guy showed up. i'm gonna pretend that's a birth

overall death rate: rip triangles you were triangles

overall rating: Dan/10

Moral of the story: Wanting to ride a horse is completely valid. But there are lots of horses throughout history. No need to go to Crimean War for that.
Also don't schedule your entire armies bathroom break for the same 7.5 minute period, leaving your entire homebase completely unguarded for that period of time. that's why people invented 'guard shifts'
also don't try to fight an army of laser aliens with 1850s equipment
also war is bad