Spiteland: New World [Choose Your Destiny]

Welcome to Spiteland
A world of all sorts of aggression, especially passive, Spiteland is in danger. Most of the time. Somebody's usually threatening to destroy the world or something, and somebody steps up to stop them, and about half the time they go crazy themselves and threaten the world too, and that doesn't work out well for them.

Well there was that one time, but we don't talk about that.

That brings us to you. You are one of but many of the settlers here. The town of New World(patent pending) wants to get away from it all. Ignore all the bull about the world being threatened every other week and everybody just kind of hating each other because that's what's trendy. All are welcome to join! There were some objections to that early on, like, what if somebody evil wants to join, but hey, even if they're evil they may still want to escape from it all, right?

But whatever! Maybe eventually you can take this town and launch it into space and New World can be an actually New World! They actually just took away the guy that suggested that a while ago and he's sitting in the corner over there but we can dream, right? We can all dream. Who actually named this place anyways?

So the question here is of course: Who are you, and why do you want here?

Name:
Gender:
Race: (see below)
Class: (see below)
Biography:


RACES

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Human: Pink and meaty, the humans are boring and are loud and obnoxious in an attempt to prove otherwise.

High Elf: Whoa dude, my ears are just... so long! Man I'm hungry.

Low Elf: Low Elves are big downers and do nothing but talk about how depressing the world is. Nobody knows how they reproduce, because they're always alone, but more keep popping up.

Medium Elf: Medium Elves are the most statistically average race out there. They are average at magic, have average heights, and are kind of boring to talk to.

They Prefer To Be Called Little People: It's a PC world out there, and we wouldn't want to offend somebody with the 'D' word. I mean, sure, they like to dig holes, live in caves, and aren't particularly intelligent, but let's not be prejudiced here.


Lizardman: Suited to hot, dry climates, lizard people are rad and I will accept no arguments to the contrary.

Pandaman: Hailing from the orient, Pandamen are kinda lazy and popular with children.

Pangolinman: Enemy of Ultraman Q, Pangolinmen may or may not be robots. Thanks Ed!

Trans-Kobold: Look, sometimes people just don't feel comfortable looking the way they do, and feel like they should be... different. Who are you to judge, anyways?

Lemming: You might want to have a few dozen of these guys, just in case.


Orc: Orcs are slow, dumb, and can punch you so hard you explode. There's a giant hammer in the midst of the Orc homelands that is said to have been wielded by a God, but the truth is it an overzealous Orc special ordered it and couldn't lift it.

Orca: Better hope there's water available.

El Chupacabra: Mexican monster known for eating goats and sucking their blood dry. Trying to cut down, though. Usually goes for low fat Goat based snacks these days.

Tree: Some day, it'll grow into a mighty oak, and become large enough to furnish your entire room with Ikea furniture.

Supertoaster: Supertoasters were once ordinary toasters, but with ambition! A few trips to the hardware store later, however, and you have the state of the art, robotic toasting device you see now.


Sock Puppet: Forged of wool and plastic, the Sock Puppet is handcrafted by only the most creative, and with the power of Googly Eyes, are brought to life. Rock.

A Guitar: Hot Riffs and Sweet Lixx, A Guitar has the power of almost all music at its side. Comes in New Electric and Acoustic Original flavors.

Trash Golem: A Trash Golem forms when you forget to take full trash out for six months or so, thanks to a wizard who decided "If you aren't going to take it out, it'll take itself out!" Wizards are evil, so instead they just gain free will and move in to be smelly and consume your food. It is very hard for a Trash Golem to find a job.

Ghost: A ghost is somebody that has died with unfinished business. Some ghosts decide to simply not finish that business, because, hey, controlled immortality. If they get tired of new life, they can always just finish their shit.

Bearded Swordsman: A Bearded Swordsman is not just a bearded Human who picks up a sword. They are in fact, one with their sword, and their life is kept by the hair on their faces. Being without either for long enough will cause them to grow gradually weaker until they die.

CLASSES

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Paladin: Holy warriors, with sword and shield blessed by the Gods themselves, they can use these powers to smite evil, bless the worthy, and basically cheat their ways into Heaven.
Special Skill: Holy Wave - All targets in a mile radius start thinking about your God of choice for 1d20 seconds, distracting them and making them more susceptible to conversion.

Evil Wizard: Masters of the arcane, controllers of darkness, one should never trust a Wizard. Before you know what's happened they'll have set fire to your house, frozen your dog, and turned you into a tree frog.
Special Skill: Baleful Polymorph - Turn something into a bale of hay for 1d8 scaling time units. Look, nobody said you were a powerful Evil Wizard. You'll get there eventually.

Good Wizard: There is no such thing as a good wizard. All wizards are obviously evil. Trusting a Wizard is bad news already, but one that claims to be Good? Crazy.
Special Skill: Crisis of Conscience - Wizardry is a dark art filled with evil and you're trying to be a good guy? Suffer 2d4 emotional damage for every spell you cast.

Shiv-Knight: Shiv-Knights have seen things. Done things. And done time. Life in the slammer is tough, and you have to make due with whatever you can find, such as a sharpened toothbrush, or a broken fencepost. The Shiv-Knight is proficient in small, improvised stabbing implements and also heavy armor.
Special Skill: Emergency Sharpen - With just the edges of your plate mail, you can sharpen nearly any appropriately sized object to serve as a new shiv.


Fighter/Organist: Generally a Fighter/Organist starts on the road to becoming a sword wielding warrior, and then end up in an empty church with the organ just sitting right there. Of course, in a world where the Gods have quite a bit of power, there's something magical about that instrument, and they get hooked. Swapping a sword for a big heavy piano, Fighter/Organists can use its powerful pipes, and often its heavy weight, to bring enemies down.
Special Skill: Big Finish - Play a few powerful notes and shove your organ at whatever you're targeting. They won't know what hit them, because they're too busy admiring that climax. You'll need to repair the organ.

Lawyer: According to Page 215, Section E, Subsection B, Paragraph 2 of the Spiteland Legal More Of A Guideline Than A Rule Lawbook, actually explaining what a Lawyer is is more legal trouble than it's worth.
Special Skill: Objection! - Stop anybody in their tracks, and present your case. If Judgeria, God of Law deems it sufficient, the target's attempted action will be null.

Carpenter (profession): With a toolbox at their side, a Carpenter is ready to fix anything, any time. Home repairs, building projects, weapon upgrades, what have you. Generally useful to have one around.
Special Skill: If It Ain't Broke - Fix it anyways. Any target gains 1d4 extra usefulness levels instantly.

Carpenter (musician): I hate The Carpenters. I had to listen to two songs by them to find something to use for that picture and that was enough. They're a soft rock band from the 70s and they are just so incredibly inoffensive that it's actually kind of annoying. What? Oh right. Carpenters can like, sing and stuff.
Special Skill: Ballad - Well okay it's kind of bland but there's nothing specifically terrible about it. 1d2 chance of causing somebody to be preoccupied with listening for the next five minutes, otherwise they just decide to leave.


Bird Rider: A Bird Rider has trained for years to learn to commune and ride atop all sorts of aviary critters. Hawks, eagles, sparrows, hummingbirds, owls, ducks, woodpeckers, chickens, you name it. They may need multiple birds to ride for some of the smaller ones.
Special Skill: Weightless - For 1d100 minutes, you can make yourself nearly weightless, in order to ride any size of single bird without any problem.

Pastamancer: With his mastery of the arcane secrets of Noodlecraft, the Pastamancer is a force to be reckoned with. He relies on his Mysticality to get ahead in the world. What, stealing? No, this is a wholly original class.
Special Skill: Leash of Linguini - Using an enchanted leash made of noodles, you may attach this to any beast to make it stronger and more loyal to yourself for 1d6 hours.

Astronaut: Years of intense training gives these people the ability to understand complex aeronautics controls, handle extreme G-forces, and go where very few have gone before. All you need is a spaceship, and how hard can it be to get one of those?
Special Skill: Moonwalk - So maybe it's hard to get to space, but you can feel like you're up there, anyways. Gravity doesn't affect you as much as the average man and you can jump higher, further, and slower.

Nutritionist: The average nutritionist has studied for upwards of an hour of reading nutrition information on Wikipedia. This makes them qualified to tell you about jack shit, but they've got the charisma to make you believe it.
Special Skill: Calorie Counter - Cause physical, mental, or emotional damage to somebody based on what they last ate.


Stunt Driver: Fast cars, tight corners, and danger at every turn. A stunt driver can pilot any automobile without worry, and can do so dangerously. The most important part about learning to Stunt Drive, is, surprisingly enough, not driving, but safety. It's not about getting there safely, it's about crashing spectacularly and surviving.
Special Skill: Safety First! - Take no damage from any vehicle based events, no matter how spectacular.

Potato Scholar: You probably grew up in Idaho, and took a shining to the tuberous fields, choosing to dedicate your life to it. At Farming College, you enrolled in Advanced Spud and graduated at the top of your class. Nobody knows more about potatoes than you.
Special Skill: Tubercraft - With enough potatoes and a knife, you can make anything. You're kinda like the Professor of Gilligan's Island, except instead of coconuts, it's potatoes.

Theoretical Cartographer: A map is two dimensional, and is adequate for mapping out a three dimensional world. But this is assuming that our universe is merely three dimensions. Truly, our world must have four dimensions! Paths between the cracks, that our mortal eyes can't see. One could travel from one end of the globe to the other in just a few minutes, with the right route. You are dedicated to finding these routes.
Special Skill: Quantum Routing - Teleport, basically. You slip into thin air for a little, wander around to get where you want, and reappear elsewhere. ...assuming your route is accurate.

Introduction to Destructive Mathematics: With small class sizes, and agreeable tuition fees, how can you not sign up for Intro to Destructive Math? Learn to Subtract Order and Add Chaos. Later in our program learn about Demolition Curves and Explosion Parabola. Enroll today!
Special Skill: Divide by Zero - Always a classic in Destructive Mathematics, and one of the founding principals, it serves as a bit of a wildcard. You never know what will happen.


Internet Blogger: Social justice, fandoms, liveblogging, in the end it all comes down to one thing: Complaining. Complain all day and people will listen. With more followers, comes more power. And with power, you can cause change. Change for personal gain.
Special Skill: Social Change - Get your internet followers all riled up about something, and soon that something will be targeted by random attacks for a while.

Obliterator: A mafia, er, 'favourite', the Obliterator is in dire need of a nerfing. If the Obli knows your role, you die, and they become invincible for a day and night. They win if they Oblit enough times. Alas, what with security these days, they also need a Date Of Birth and Mother's Maiden Name to successfully oblit.
Special Skill: Obliterate - Kill somebody instantly, and become invincible for 24 hours. Can only be used once per 24 hours. To successfully kill, you need all that information. Their name, their DOB, and their Mother's Maiden Name. There is no real penalty for failure.

Card Gamer: Don't understimate the power of a children's card game. Those who excel at these games can climb the ranks of the tournaments, get into grand adventures, and the few highest ranking Card Gamers of all, eventually get a special device that allows them to use the power of the cards themselves in all manners of situations!
Special Skill: You've Activated My Trap Card! - Use a card specifically to counter somebody else's action. The card will generally be specific to the situation.

Alternative Medic: It's Medical Science, but without the Science! Plant roots are healthy, it doesn't matter what you get it from. I heard that dripping Coke into Pepsi creates basically a healing potion. Did you know that hair makes a better bandage than anything else? Well, you heard all of this, once, you think, and hey, it probably works, right?
Special Skill: Improved Homeopathy - Well sometimes it does! Every potion and remedy you create has a chance of working exactly as intended, on a scale of 3d6, being more likely for being middle of the road. Closer to science, and you'd have to actually know something, too far out and nobody will even believe it for a second. It's basically placebo chance.

Happy settling! Remember, nobody is turned away from joining.
apologies to Leroy