RE: Timu's Doctor Who and Torchwood Reviews (spoilers!)
12-03-2020, 06:16 AM
wow it's been a while.
over the past 7 months I've watched torchwood, and random episodes from 2008 and such.... but now I've finally gotten around to finishing......
dr13 s2 ep10 (season finale)
over the past 7 months I've watched torchwood, and random episodes from 2008 and such.... but now I've finally gotten around to finishing......
dr13 s2 ep10 (season finale)
Show Content
SpoilerTimuYesterday at 7:57 PM
I finally watched the last episode of doctor who
Half a year later
CowardYesterday at 8:07 PM
Return of the Timu reviews
TimuYesterday at 11:54 PM
PREVIOUSLY ON DOCTOR WHO:
here's all the season-long plot threads and mysteries!
1. the Master, doctor's time lord archenemy, like, went to Gallifrey, the time lord home planet, and like, killed everyone there,
2. captain jack, the character from season 3 thirteen years ago, returns briefly to give a cryptic message: "don't give the lone cyberman what it wants"
3. also in season 3 thirteen years ago, there was a time lord tech that can be used to disguise a time lord so well, that they turn into a human and also forget that they are a time lord.
apparently, an older doctor had done space crimes and has used this tech to hide from the space police.
Except, we've never seen this doctor before? we've had the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, etc.... 8th doctor, war doctor, 9th doctor, 10th , 11th, 12, and we are on 13th doctor now
and none of those doctors were this Mystery Doctor. so... whats up with that?
4. the lone cyberman named Asshat shows up in 1850! "Give me my cyberbaby or i will kill some humans"
Doctor: "captain jack said dont do this, but i'll do it anyway to save the humans"
Asshat: haha now that i have my cyberbaby, will go back to the cyberfuture and wreack some cyberhavoc
5. Team Doctor travels to the cyberfuture to stop this cyberhavoc from being cyberwreaked!
there was a huge cyberwar, of which there are only a few survivors:
Asshat and two cybermen
and the human survivors are:
Leader, Optimist, Pessimist, and Smart Kid
they all get separated!
Leader, Optimist, Pessimist and the doctor friends Jas and Graham (LOPJG) have ended up on an old Cybercarrier, which houses like a bazillion sleeping cybermen. Asshat comes and wakes them all up using the power of his Cyberbaby! Oh no! Cliffhanger, how will LOPJG get out of this mess of being trapped on a cybercarrier full of evil cybermen?
meanwhile, Smart Kid, Doctor and doctor friend Ryan (SKDR) have traveled to the Hope Portal, hoping to rendezvous with LOPJG
instead they find Old Man, who lives at Hope Portal. During the cyberwar, many humans escaped through this Hope Portal, which leads to Gallifrey! and out of the portal hops Master who says "Surprise! Jazz Hands!"
cliffhanger!!!!
------------------------
and now begins the Season Finale.
on the cybercarrier, Asshat and the cyberarmy attack LOPJG. Optimist is immediately killed.
LPJG find some cybermen armors that haven't been waken up. they are full of human remains but fortunately we are spared the details of how they dump the contents and hide in the empty shells
LPJG are now disguised as cybermen!
Meanwhile!
Master says, "Doctor, come with me or i will kill your friends!"
Doctor says ok fine, and Master and Doctor go through the Hope Portal to the ruins of their home planet.
Master: it's time for some exposition! Doctor sit right here on this Time Lord infodumping machine! the machine will show you some backstory while I narrate!
a long long time ago, the very First Time Lord was flying through space. time travel hadn't even been invented yet at this point, so they were just called Space Lords or something
Space Lord finds an alien at some weird Dimension Portal or whatever that leads to another dimension or some really important shit
Space Lord: I don't care about any of that stuff, i'm adopting this alien baby i just found
Space Lord and her new baby go back to Gallifrey, where, Space Lord being a bad parent, allows alien baby to play with the neighborhood kids at the local clifftop
alien baby falls to their death, but miraculously, regenerates into a new body!
this is the First Regeneration ever!!
Space Lord is like HOLY SHIT! my kid was dead and now my kid is alive and looks different. time to do SCIENCE
WhimbrelToday at 12:17 AM
I love exposition machines the best
TimuToday at 12:18 AM
like 60 alien baby regenerations later:
Space Lord: I have cracked the code of Regeneration, and i'm going to inject it into my body!!! Now that I have regeneration, you can call me a Time Lord, just so it is easier for Timu to describe this!
First Time Lord: i'm a time lord now, i have regeneration!
other space lords: can we have regeneration too?
time lord: no. also i'm your boss now
space lords: ok :(
and so
that is the story of how the Time Lord species came to be!
Doctor: so what happened to that alien baby?
Master: that baby.....
Master: was....
Master: YOU
Doctor: :OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
so
shit
uh go back to my list of season arc plot threads
WhimbrelToday at 12:23 AM
"impossible I was never a baby"
TimuToday at 12:25 AM
6. in some random british 1950s village, a guy finds a baby on the road. the baby grows up to be a policemen and falls off a cliff while fighting crimes. but then he miraculously survives the fall. as an old man, this retiring policemen is strapped to a science chair by his adoptive father and the police chief, neither of whom have grown any older. the science chair activates, apparently wiping the memory and probably doing other stuff. what the fuck is going on and what relevance does this have to anything else??!
okay back to the episode
doctor: impossible i was never a baby
master: but you were they just erased your memories!
doctor: oh i'm having flashbacks to that 1950s village... that was me!
*the flashbacks warp, replacing retiring policeman, adoptive dad, and police chief with alien baby and some time lords *
doctor: wow that was all my origin story, inexplicably altered to replace its cast and setting with a 1950s village!!! why?
time lord infodumping machine: .........
master: anyway now that this unnecessarily complicated origin story has been expositioned! we now know that...
doctor: my god
doctor: i was an alien the whole time
doctor: oh also this explains what the Mystery Doctor from a few episodes is, they ARE me. they wiped my memories at some point before I became the 1st doctor
Master: anway i'm gonna go hang out with Asshat, the cyberman now, see ya
doctor: now i'm all alone, still trapped in the infodump machine.... how can i escape... oh I know, i'll overload it by thinking REALLY hard about all my past lives!
extremely fast memory montage of 1 second archival footage clips of the entire doctor who series
infodumper: fuCKKK i'm OLVERORLORADED
doctor: haha i'm free, now I must go and stop master from doing evil things!
---------
Meanwhile...
Master: hi asshat, I'm master
Asshat: hi i'm the cyberman leader, and I have a cyberbaby. Cyberbaby is a weird blob of science bullshit. it gave me a Death Particle, which can be used to wipe out all organic life on a planet. i plan on making it so cybermen are 100% machine with no organic parts at all! then the cybermen will be cybercyber!
Master: so, robots. you're going to be robots
Asshat: yes, the death particle will remove all the organic parts of all the cybermen and we will be just robots
Master: i have a better idea
the master kills asshat using his shrink ray!
Cyberbaby: oh, asshat is turned into a little tiny action figure... uwu
Master: you belong to me now, cyberbaby! and with out powers combined we will create CyberLords!!!!
Master: since I learned the secret of regneration from the infodump machine, I will combine that with cybermen to create cyberlords!!!
Instead of being like robots with human bodies trapped inside... it will be the same thing but the human bodies can regenerate now
now the Cyberlords are unstoppable! except from drowning... getting shot twice.... uhhh... dying twelve times...
-----
Meanwhile....
Smart Kid, Ryan and Old Man are still at the Hope Portal, and they are being attacked by cybermen! oh no! cybermen are attacking them and they are cornered and about to die when....
the cybermen pop their helmets off
it's us! Pessimist, Leader, Jas and Graham!!!
we infiltrated the cybermen and saved you and stuff!
The Doctor: hi it's me again! the whole group is reunited! and now we must stop the cyberlords!
WhimbrelToday at 12:41 AM
it'd be funny if they wer ejust like "we inflitrated the cybermen! ....by becoming cybermen! great strat!"
TimuToday at 12:41 AM
yaya
they tape a couple of bombs to the cybercarrier's death-star-core, which blows up the whole thing in a chain reaction, there's some action sequences where they are running from the dangers and stuff uhh
then doctor puts all of the humans into one of the Tardis that are on gallifrey and sets the controls to send them back to earth.
doctor: you must all go and escape... i must confront the Master all by myself
Master: hello so you may have blown up all of the Regular Cybermen but me and my cyberlords are still here haha!
Doctor: well i found the Death Particle on Asshat's tiny corpse! and I've taped it to this detonator button! this will kill you, me, and all of the cyberlords!!!
Updated List of Things That Can Kill Time Lords Permanently:
1. Drowning
2. Getting shot twice in quick succession
3. Death Particle
WhimbrelToday at 12:46 AM
4. Become Human
TimuToday at 12:46 AM
oh yeah good call
Master: hoo hoo hoo yes I see you found the death particle. I planned for this. I set this all up so you would be in the situation where you would have to sacrifice yourself in order to save the universe! it's a win-win situation for me cause i'm crazYYY jazz hands
Doctor: it's true... you did set this all up... forcing me to destroy what's left of my home planet, and myself, and all that's left of my home and stuff, going against all of my morals or whatever.... you're right, i just can't do it
Master: haha! figured! and now me and my cyberlords will go and destroy the universe haha!
Old Man: hey uh, it's me again, I know you put me and the other humans on that spare tardis to go to escape to earth, but you uh, left the door unlocked so, here i am
Doctor: oh i guess this works out
Old man: yeah give me that death particle detonator thing
Doctor: cool so uh, thanks, and uh, bye
the doctor leaves on another spare tardis
Master: curses!!!! my plans have been foiled!!!
Old Man: i push the button
Cyberlords: arghhhhhh we are dead foreverrrrrrrrrr
Master: I'm definitely dead! There's no possible way I could have survived this death particle explosion! It's completely impossible for me to ever come back in a future episode ever again!!!!
cyberlords: same with usss we are effectively gone and done for and doctor who will never see the likes of either of us classic enemies againnnn
WhimbrelToday at 12:52 AM
I'm so glad I can trust the Doctor Who series to destroy these heinous villains forever
TimuToday at 12:52 AM
---------------------
all the humans except Old Man: hooray we have made it back to earth 2020. i wonder what shall happen next season
doctor: thank you tardis #3 for taking me back to My Tardis, my precious lifelong faithful companion tardis, who is invincible and impentrable
tardis #3: oh you're just leaving me here, well alright
WhimbrelToday at 12:53 AM
all humans five minutes after entering 2020 "oh, oh dear something has gone wrong. we gotta fix this timeline"
TimuToday at 12:53 AM
doctor: hehe okay now time to go back 2020 and meet up with the other humans....
space police: FUCK YOUR INVINCIBLE ALL POWERFUL TARDIS
Space police: WE'RE HERE AND YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR SPACE CRIMES
and they just teleport in and out of the invincible all powerful tardis lickety-split to take the Doctor to space jail
and that's the end of season.... 15 or whatever this is!
Captain Jack: wait so am I not in the season finale? I just make a brief appearance in episode 4 to deliver a vague cryptic season-arc sentence and then i just don't show up again? alright
(he will be in the next season)
TimuToday at 1:04 AM
overall rating:
Deaths: Optimist, Old Man, a CyberLord during the regneration demonstration, and like a million cybermen, and the master, and asshat, and the doctor like sixty times in flashbacks
Births: the doctor like sixty times in flashbacks, and a Cyberlord during the regeneration demonstration, and like 20 cyberlords were made
Overall death rate: like a million
Overall rating: Particle/10
the long awaited fusion of overall death rate and overall rating is now possible
thanks to the power of the Overall Death Rating: Death Particle/10
Moral of the Story: if your plan can be completely unraveled with the push of a button, don't dismiss it just because your archenemy won't be able to bring themself to push that button. You have more than one enemy, so don't underestimate them!
I finally watched the last episode of doctor who
Half a year later
CowardYesterday at 8:07 PM
Return of the Timu reviews
TimuYesterday at 11:54 PM
PREVIOUSLY ON DOCTOR WHO:
here's all the season-long plot threads and mysteries!
1. the Master, doctor's time lord archenemy, like, went to Gallifrey, the time lord home planet, and like, killed everyone there,
2. captain jack, the character from season 3 thirteen years ago, returns briefly to give a cryptic message: "don't give the lone cyberman what it wants"
3. also in season 3 thirteen years ago, there was a time lord tech that can be used to disguise a time lord so well, that they turn into a human and also forget that they are a time lord.
apparently, an older doctor had done space crimes and has used this tech to hide from the space police.
Except, we've never seen this doctor before? we've had the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, etc.... 8th doctor, war doctor, 9th doctor, 10th , 11th, 12, and we are on 13th doctor now
and none of those doctors were this Mystery Doctor. so... whats up with that?
4. the lone cyberman named Asshat shows up in 1850! "Give me my cyberbaby or i will kill some humans"
Doctor: "captain jack said dont do this, but i'll do it anyway to save the humans"
Asshat: haha now that i have my cyberbaby, will go back to the cyberfuture and wreack some cyberhavoc
5. Team Doctor travels to the cyberfuture to stop this cyberhavoc from being cyberwreaked!
there was a huge cyberwar, of which there are only a few survivors:
Asshat and two cybermen
and the human survivors are:
Leader, Optimist, Pessimist, and Smart Kid
they all get separated!
Leader, Optimist, Pessimist and the doctor friends Jas and Graham (LOPJG) have ended up on an old Cybercarrier, which houses like a bazillion sleeping cybermen. Asshat comes and wakes them all up using the power of his Cyberbaby! Oh no! Cliffhanger, how will LOPJG get out of this mess of being trapped on a cybercarrier full of evil cybermen?
meanwhile, Smart Kid, Doctor and doctor friend Ryan (SKDR) have traveled to the Hope Portal, hoping to rendezvous with LOPJG
instead they find Old Man, who lives at Hope Portal. During the cyberwar, many humans escaped through this Hope Portal, which leads to Gallifrey! and out of the portal hops Master who says "Surprise! Jazz Hands!"
cliffhanger!!!!
------------------------
and now begins the Season Finale.
on the cybercarrier, Asshat and the cyberarmy attack LOPJG. Optimist is immediately killed.
LPJG find some cybermen armors that haven't been waken up. they are full of human remains but fortunately we are spared the details of how they dump the contents and hide in the empty shells
LPJG are now disguised as cybermen!
Meanwhile!
Master says, "Doctor, come with me or i will kill your friends!"
Doctor says ok fine, and Master and Doctor go through the Hope Portal to the ruins of their home planet.
Master: it's time for some exposition! Doctor sit right here on this Time Lord infodumping machine! the machine will show you some backstory while I narrate!
a long long time ago, the very First Time Lord was flying through space. time travel hadn't even been invented yet at this point, so they were just called Space Lords or something
Space Lord finds an alien at some weird Dimension Portal or whatever that leads to another dimension or some really important shit
Space Lord: I don't care about any of that stuff, i'm adopting this alien baby i just found
Space Lord and her new baby go back to Gallifrey, where, Space Lord being a bad parent, allows alien baby to play with the neighborhood kids at the local clifftop
alien baby falls to their death, but miraculously, regenerates into a new body!
this is the First Regeneration ever!!
Space Lord is like HOLY SHIT! my kid was dead and now my kid is alive and looks different. time to do SCIENCE
WhimbrelToday at 12:17 AM
I love exposition machines the best
TimuToday at 12:18 AM
like 60 alien baby regenerations later:
Space Lord: I have cracked the code of Regeneration, and i'm going to inject it into my body!!! Now that I have regeneration, you can call me a Time Lord, just so it is easier for Timu to describe this!
First Time Lord: i'm a time lord now, i have regeneration!
other space lords: can we have regeneration too?
time lord: no. also i'm your boss now
space lords: ok :(
and so
that is the story of how the Time Lord species came to be!
Doctor: so what happened to that alien baby?
Master: that baby.....
Master: was....
Master: YOU
Doctor: :OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
so
shit
uh go back to my list of season arc plot threads
WhimbrelToday at 12:23 AM
"impossible I was never a baby"
TimuToday at 12:25 AM
6. in some random british 1950s village, a guy finds a baby on the road. the baby grows up to be a policemen and falls off a cliff while fighting crimes. but then he miraculously survives the fall. as an old man, this retiring policemen is strapped to a science chair by his adoptive father and the police chief, neither of whom have grown any older. the science chair activates, apparently wiping the memory and probably doing other stuff. what the fuck is going on and what relevance does this have to anything else??!
okay back to the episode
doctor: impossible i was never a baby
master: but you were they just erased your memories!
doctor: oh i'm having flashbacks to that 1950s village... that was me!
*the flashbacks warp, replacing retiring policeman, adoptive dad, and police chief with alien baby and some time lords *
doctor: wow that was all my origin story, inexplicably altered to replace its cast and setting with a 1950s village!!! why?
time lord infodumping machine: .........
master: anyway now that this unnecessarily complicated origin story has been expositioned! we now know that...
doctor: my god
doctor: i was an alien the whole time
doctor: oh also this explains what the Mystery Doctor from a few episodes is, they ARE me. they wiped my memories at some point before I became the 1st doctor
Master: anway i'm gonna go hang out with Asshat, the cyberman now, see ya
doctor: now i'm all alone, still trapped in the infodump machine.... how can i escape... oh I know, i'll overload it by thinking REALLY hard about all my past lives!
extremely fast memory montage of 1 second archival footage clips of the entire doctor who series
infodumper: fuCKKK i'm OLVERORLORADED
doctor: haha i'm free, now I must go and stop master from doing evil things!
---------
Meanwhile...
Master: hi asshat, I'm master
Asshat: hi i'm the cyberman leader, and I have a cyberbaby. Cyberbaby is a weird blob of science bullshit. it gave me a Death Particle, which can be used to wipe out all organic life on a planet. i plan on making it so cybermen are 100% machine with no organic parts at all! then the cybermen will be cybercyber!
Master: so, robots. you're going to be robots
Asshat: yes, the death particle will remove all the organic parts of all the cybermen and we will be just robots
Master: i have a better idea
the master kills asshat using his shrink ray!
Cyberbaby: oh, asshat is turned into a little tiny action figure... uwu
Master: you belong to me now, cyberbaby! and with out powers combined we will create CyberLords!!!!
Master: since I learned the secret of regneration from the infodump machine, I will combine that with cybermen to create cyberlords!!!
Instead of being like robots with human bodies trapped inside... it will be the same thing but the human bodies can regenerate now
now the Cyberlords are unstoppable! except from drowning... getting shot twice.... uhhh... dying twelve times...
-----
Meanwhile....
Smart Kid, Ryan and Old Man are still at the Hope Portal, and they are being attacked by cybermen! oh no! cybermen are attacking them and they are cornered and about to die when....
the cybermen pop their helmets off
it's us! Pessimist, Leader, Jas and Graham!!!
we infiltrated the cybermen and saved you and stuff!
The Doctor: hi it's me again! the whole group is reunited! and now we must stop the cyberlords!
WhimbrelToday at 12:41 AM
it'd be funny if they wer ejust like "we inflitrated the cybermen! ....by becoming cybermen! great strat!"
TimuToday at 12:41 AM
yaya
they tape a couple of bombs to the cybercarrier's death-star-core, which blows up the whole thing in a chain reaction, there's some action sequences where they are running from the dangers and stuff uhh
then doctor puts all of the humans into one of the Tardis that are on gallifrey and sets the controls to send them back to earth.
doctor: you must all go and escape... i must confront the Master all by myself
Master: hello so you may have blown up all of the Regular Cybermen but me and my cyberlords are still here haha!
Doctor: well i found the Death Particle on Asshat's tiny corpse! and I've taped it to this detonator button! this will kill you, me, and all of the cyberlords!!!
Updated List of Things That Can Kill Time Lords Permanently:
1. Drowning
2. Getting shot twice in quick succession
3. Death Particle
WhimbrelToday at 12:46 AM
4. Become Human
TimuToday at 12:46 AM
oh yeah good call
Master: hoo hoo hoo yes I see you found the death particle. I planned for this. I set this all up so you would be in the situation where you would have to sacrifice yourself in order to save the universe! it's a win-win situation for me cause i'm crazYYY jazz hands
Doctor: it's true... you did set this all up... forcing me to destroy what's left of my home planet, and myself, and all that's left of my home and stuff, going against all of my morals or whatever.... you're right, i just can't do it
Master: haha! figured! and now me and my cyberlords will go and destroy the universe haha!
Old Man: hey uh, it's me again, I know you put me and the other humans on that spare tardis to go to escape to earth, but you uh, left the door unlocked so, here i am
Doctor: oh i guess this works out
Old man: yeah give me that death particle detonator thing
Doctor: cool so uh, thanks, and uh, bye
the doctor leaves on another spare tardis
Master: curses!!!! my plans have been foiled!!!
Old Man: i push the button
Cyberlords: arghhhhhh we are dead foreverrrrrrrrrr
Master: I'm definitely dead! There's no possible way I could have survived this death particle explosion! It's completely impossible for me to ever come back in a future episode ever again!!!!
cyberlords: same with usss we are effectively gone and done for and doctor who will never see the likes of either of us classic enemies againnnn
WhimbrelToday at 12:52 AM
I'm so glad I can trust the Doctor Who series to destroy these heinous villains forever
TimuToday at 12:52 AM
---------------------
all the humans except Old Man: hooray we have made it back to earth 2020. i wonder what shall happen next season
doctor: thank you tardis #3 for taking me back to My Tardis, my precious lifelong faithful companion tardis, who is invincible and impentrable
tardis #3: oh you're just leaving me here, well alright
WhimbrelToday at 12:53 AM
all humans five minutes after entering 2020 "oh, oh dear something has gone wrong. we gotta fix this timeline"
TimuToday at 12:53 AM
doctor: hehe okay now time to go back 2020 and meet up with the other humans....
space police: FUCK YOUR INVINCIBLE ALL POWERFUL TARDIS
Space police: WE'RE HERE AND YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR SPACE CRIMES
and they just teleport in and out of the invincible all powerful tardis lickety-split to take the Doctor to space jail
and that's the end of season.... 15 or whatever this is!
Captain Jack: wait so am I not in the season finale? I just make a brief appearance in episode 4 to deliver a vague cryptic season-arc sentence and then i just don't show up again? alright
(he will be in the next season)
TimuToday at 1:04 AM
overall rating:
Deaths: Optimist, Old Man, a CyberLord during the regneration demonstration, and like a million cybermen, and the master, and asshat, and the doctor like sixty times in flashbacks
Births: the doctor like sixty times in flashbacks, and a Cyberlord during the regeneration demonstration, and like 20 cyberlords were made
Overall death rate: like a million
Overall rating: Particle/10
the long awaited fusion of overall death rate and overall rating is now possible
thanks to the power of the Overall Death Rating: Death Particle/10
Moral of the Story: if your plan can be completely unraveled with the push of a button, don't dismiss it just because your archenemy won't be able to bring themself to push that button. You have more than one enemy, so don't underestimate them!
![[Image: egg005.png?raw=1]](https://www.dropbox.com/s/cm0pzbv31rhi5da/egg005.png?raw=1){kind=small}