RE: Timu's Doctor Who and Torchwood Reviews (spoilers!)
04-09-2020, 04:23 AM
Torchwood s2 e6
torchwood s2 e7
torchwood s2 e8
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SpoilerHi hi! It's Martha from Doctor Who! I'm here to help for the next three episodes!
Some weird murders are happening! Big Pharma has a new drug that cures every disease! Too bad the drug is made out of alien eggs! Big Pharma has to send assassins kill all the patients of Egg Drug in order to keep eggs from hatching!
They send Martha in to get some info- but she is captured! Uh oh! Can they save her in time before egg hatches? Yes.
Big Pharma Scientist is mad that torchwood ruined his business, so he shoots Asshole and Asshole dies!!!!
Artifact: Unpregnator! This awesome alien device can be used to kill unborn children without harming the mother! Just make sure you aim it correctly or you might kill the mother anyway!
Kills: like 5 patients are killed, assassin dies, like a thousand alien wasps die, Asshole dies, and big pharma scientist dies.
Bosses Defeated: 0
Births: like a thousand alien wasps!!!
Total Score: 100800
Moral of the Story: If you're sticking alien eggs into people, make sure you KEEP the patients in your own building until the eggs hatch. Otherwise, you'll have to send an assassin to track them down later. That might attract unwanted attention from Torchwood!
Some weird murders are happening! Big Pharma has a new drug that cures every disease! Too bad the drug is made out of alien eggs! Big Pharma has to send assassins kill all the patients of Egg Drug in order to keep eggs from hatching!
They send Martha in to get some info- but she is captured! Uh oh! Can they save her in time before egg hatches? Yes.
Big Pharma Scientist is mad that torchwood ruined his business, so he shoots Asshole and Asshole dies!!!!
Artifact: Unpregnator! This awesome alien device can be used to kill unborn children without harming the mother! Just make sure you aim it correctly or you might kill the mother anyway!
Kills: like 5 patients are killed, assassin dies, like a thousand alien wasps die, Asshole dies, and big pharma scientist dies.
Bosses Defeated: 0
Births: like a thousand alien wasps!!!
Total Score: 100800
Moral of the Story: If you're sticking alien eggs into people, make sure you KEEP the patients in your own building until the eggs hatch. Otherwise, you'll have to send an assassin to track them down later. That might attract unwanted attention from Torchwood!
torchwood s2 e7
Show Content
SpoilerOh no!!! Asshole is dead!!! Everyone is dead! Asshole hasn't been as much of an asshole this season! Hold on- Boss has an idea!
Boss visits Alien Fortune Teller, the character we see only this one time and never learn anything else about ever again. Alien Fortune Teller tells Boss where the other Risen Mitten is, and then never becomes relevant ever again.
Tada! Boss has acquired Risen Mitten 2! The Right Hand Risen Mitten was destroyed in s1 e8! But this is Left Hand Risen Mitten! Asshole is brought back to life- permanently! Now Asshole is a Zombie, but fortunately his mind is completely intact.
Creepy!!!! Risen Mitten 2 comes to life but they destroy it!
Uh oh! It's a spooky skeleton man! It attacks a hospital! According to legend, if Spooky Skeleton kills 13 people, it will be strong enough to kill the entire earth!
It kills 12 people, but fortunately the hospital has been evacuated! Asshole and Spooky Skeleton get into a fist fight, and Spooky Skeleton gets erased from existence.
Hooray! The day is saved, spooky skeleton is defeated, and Asshole will spend the rest of the show as a Zombie.
Artifact: Risen Mitten 2! This fun little glove is great for bringing people back to life! Unlike Risen Mitten 1, it lasts permanently instead of only two minutes. But be careful- every time you use it, a Spooky Skeleton will come and start being spooky!!! Oh also the mitten itself will try to strangle you.
Kills: Spooky Skeleton dies, but claims 12 victims first.
Bosses Defeated: 0
Births: 1 Zombie Asshole, 1 Spooky Skeleton, and 1 Animated Risen Mitten!
Total Score: 13
Moral of the Story: So you've been turned into a zombie and your digestive system doesn't work anymore. So when you stand on your head to puke it all out DO IT OUTSIDE!!! SOMEONE HAS TO CLEAN THE FLOOR, ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!! COME ON!!!!
Boss visits Alien Fortune Teller, the character we see only this one time and never learn anything else about ever again. Alien Fortune Teller tells Boss where the other Risen Mitten is, and then never becomes relevant ever again.
Tada! Boss has acquired Risen Mitten 2! The Right Hand Risen Mitten was destroyed in s1 e8! But this is Left Hand Risen Mitten! Asshole is brought back to life- permanently! Now Asshole is a Zombie, but fortunately his mind is completely intact.
Creepy!!!! Risen Mitten 2 comes to life but they destroy it!
Uh oh! It's a spooky skeleton man! It attacks a hospital! According to legend, if Spooky Skeleton kills 13 people, it will be strong enough to kill the entire earth!
It kills 12 people, but fortunately the hospital has been evacuated! Asshole and Spooky Skeleton get into a fist fight, and Spooky Skeleton gets erased from existence.
Hooray! The day is saved, spooky skeleton is defeated, and Asshole will spend the rest of the show as a Zombie.
Artifact: Risen Mitten 2! This fun little glove is great for bringing people back to life! Unlike Risen Mitten 1, it lasts permanently instead of only two minutes. But be careful- every time you use it, a Spooky Skeleton will come and start being spooky!!! Oh also the mitten itself will try to strangle you.
Kills: Spooky Skeleton dies, but claims 12 victims first.
Bosses Defeated: 0
Births: 1 Zombie Asshole, 1 Spooky Skeleton, and 1 Animated Risen Mitten!
Total Score: 13
Moral of the Story: So you've been turned into a zombie and your digestive system doesn't work anymore. So when you stand on your head to puke it all out DO IT OUTSIDE!!! SOMEONE HAS TO CLEAN THE FLOOR, ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!! COME ON!!!!
torchwood s2 e8
Show Content
SpoilerSqueaky Squeaky! Asshole is a Zombie now. No growing back from paper cuts, no mending of your broken bones, no body heat, no sleeping, eating or fucking. Asshole is miserable! Angry Emotions! You know the drill.
Fortunately, these abilities prove useful when he has to infiltrate Old Man's House! a weird energy signature is coming from inside! But there are body heat sensors! And the only way to disable the alarms is to electrocute yourself! Asshole walks right in, says some edgy stuff, beats up some security guard and confronts Old Man.
Old Man is on his deathbed, and is holding Alien Bomb!
Old Man: "I like this fun artifact. It's shiny and it's keeping me from dying!"
Asshole: "no, that's bomb and you're dying anyway!"
Old Man: "aw darn. blehhh i'm dead."
Asshole: "fuck! I can't give CPR cause i'm a zombie without breath!!!"
Alien Bomb: "I'm gonna explode!"
Asshole: "uh oh!"
Alien Bomb: "just kidding, i'm not."
Asshole" oh ok."
Asshole says some motivational lines about not giving up hope and appreciating life while you still can! Because he's a zombie and regrets not being able to enjoy life anymore.
Artifact: Alien Bomb! This shiny goober is really pretty looking! That's all it does! But be careful- it gives off some scary energy readings so people might think it's a bomb. Fortunately it's, not actually a bomb. It's just pretty looking.
Kills: Old Man dies of heart attack
Bosses Defeated: no
births: no
Total Score: no
Moral of the Story: Enjoy life while you can! You might turn into a zombie, so make the best of life before you have regrets!
Fortunately, these abilities prove useful when he has to infiltrate Old Man's House! a weird energy signature is coming from inside! But there are body heat sensors! And the only way to disable the alarms is to electrocute yourself! Asshole walks right in, says some edgy stuff, beats up some security guard and confronts Old Man.
Old Man is on his deathbed, and is holding Alien Bomb!
Old Man: "I like this fun artifact. It's shiny and it's keeping me from dying!"
Asshole: "no, that's bomb and you're dying anyway!"
Old Man: "aw darn. blehhh i'm dead."
Asshole: "fuck! I can't give CPR cause i'm a zombie without breath!!!"
Alien Bomb: "I'm gonna explode!"
Asshole: "uh oh!"
Alien Bomb: "just kidding, i'm not."
Asshole" oh ok."
Asshole says some motivational lines about not giving up hope and appreciating life while you still can! Because he's a zombie and regrets not being able to enjoy life anymore.
Artifact: Alien Bomb! This shiny goober is really pretty looking! That's all it does! But be careful- it gives off some scary energy readings so people might think it's a bomb. Fortunately it's, not actually a bomb. It's just pretty looking.
Kills: Old Man dies of heart attack
Bosses Defeated: no
births: no
Total Score: no
Moral of the Story: Enjoy life while you can! You might turn into a zombie, so make the best of life before you have regrets!
![[Image: egg005.png?raw=1]](https://www.dropbox.com/s/cm0pzbv31rhi5da/egg005.png?raw=1){kind=small}