Timu's Doctor Who and Torchwood Reviews (spoilers!)

Torchwood s2 e1

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SpoilerAfter a brief vacation on Doctor Who, Captain Jack returns to the team. "Boss, where were you?"
Boss: "Like always, I refuse to tell you guys anything even though there's no reason to keep this one a secret!"

meanwhile, bwoo bwoo, a mystery man has appeared.... it's Spike!
Spike: "hullo it is me, Spike from buffy the vampire slayer, just the actor though, i am a different character because this is a different show"
Random Person: "what... what are you talking about?"
spike: "I kill you! haha!"
Random Person: "blarg i'm dead"
Torchwood: "We detected rift activity!!"
Spike: "yes it was me! i am here now!"
Boss: "omg it's my ex-boyfriend from the future back when I worked for the Time Police!"
Spike: "mhm yes it's me! your ex-boyfriend! I came through the rift to track down three bombs that have fallen through the rift and convenient arranged themselves like a fun scavenger hunt!"
Ethics: "okay let's split into groups to track down each bomb!"
Boss: "wait why are you the boss now?"
Ethics: "because you were gone for like 6 months!"
Boss: "okay well, just keep in mind, Spike is Not Trustworthy! Never turn your back on him!"
Ethics: "okay"

Ethics and Spike go off to find their bomb. It's in a shipping container!
Spike: 'Huhu huhu i'm a creeper!"
Ethics: "ew! I do not trust you and i will not turn my back on you!"
Spike: 'huhuhu the bomb is in here!"
Ethics: "oo look it's the bomb i'm gonna run over, turning my back on you in the process!"
spike: "hu huhuhu ambush attack!"
Ethics: blarg i'm dying!

Nerd and Asshole go off to find their bomb.
Spike: "hu huh uh i shoot you with gun!"
Asshole" ow!"
Nerd: "oh no! i do first aid!"

Secretary and Boss go off to find their bomb.
Spike: "haha secretary i beat you up! i've gravely injured your teammates- can you save them in time???
Secretary: "Ouch! okay i run to help them!"

Asshole: "okay i think I'm fine now!"
nerd: "oh hey secretary what's up?
Secretary: "Guys! I think Ethics is in trouble!"
Nerd: "okay let's go!"
Secretary: "look here she is!"
Ethics: "i'm dying!"
Asshole: "oh no! i do first aid!"
Ethics: "Thanks! But that means Boss is all alone with Spike!"

Boss: "i'm up on the roof and i found the bomb! hey where's secretary?"
Spike: "I push you off the roof!"
Boss: "blarg i'm dead!"
Spike: hahaha no i have all three bombs- but these are not bombs, these are actually Fun Canisters which contain Fun Puzzle Pieces!!!!
Torchwood Team: "Stop right there!"
Spike: "oh gosh you came just in time. too bad your boss is dead haha"
Boss: "hey i'm not dead!"
Spike: "oh that's weird. anyway i guess you guys caught me. but did you know that this Fun Puzzle, when put together, reveals map to Fun Diamond?"
Boss: "oooh money! okay let's do it!"
Fun Puzzle: "haha! I am not map to Fun Diamond!! I am actually bomb!!!! I attach to Spike!"
Spike: "oh fuck oh shit help!!!"
Team Torchwood: "fuck you you dickstain, enjoy your bomb, it's what you deserve"
Spike: "I take ethics as hostage!"
Team Torchwood: "okay we will disable the bomb! Now go away Spike, go back to the future you huge jerk!"
Spike: "Okay fine see you. by the way boss, your brother is alive, okay bye!!!!"
Boss: "wait what?????"

Artifact: Fun Puzzle! You can get one of these by murdering an alien to find their diamonds! But be careful! The diamond isn't real- this fun puzzle is actually a bomb for revenge kill!

Kills: Spike killed an alien trying to get the diamond map, and kills a random person too
Bosses Defeated: Jack gets pushed off a roof and goes splat.
Births: Fun Puzzle is created!
Total Score: 200

Moral of the Story: Don't turn your back on untrustworthy people, especially if you've been told not to turn your back on them!

torchwood s2 e2

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SpoilerUh oh! 2 robbers breaks into a house. The husband and wife that live there are scared when suddenly? whoa whoa! the two robbers have been sliced apart!??? how could this have happened!!!

Police: It was probably the husband who did it, because he's a man so he's strong and powerful!
Torchwood: u uuuu the wife is giving off weird electrical signals. let's do a blood test!
Blood Sample needle: "oof!! wife's skin is impentrable!!!!"
Wife: boohooo hoo obut i'm just a regular human!
Torchwood: "no u are an alien! Let's do a super scan!"
Wife: beep boop. I am a robot disguised as a human.
Wife: whoa what?? But I thought i was a human...

Whoa! How many other humans are walking around completely unaware that they are secretly killer robots!

Torchwood: "hey wife, would you like us to disable your robot parts?"
Wife: "yes please, i want to be back with my husband."
Torchwood: "okie dokie, you shouldn't have any risk of turning into a killer robot now!"
Other Killer Robots: "beep boop connection loss detected! one of our units has been compromised! commencing evil plan now!"
Torchwood: "oh no! the only way to stop them is to re-enable Wife's robot parts!"
Wife: "I'm going to use my robot powers to help you! According to my GPS, the evil robots are at the Nuclear Missile storage building!"
Killer Robots: "we are going to launch the nukes!"
Torchwood: "we have hacked your system and defeated you!"
Killer Robots: "curses, we have been defeated!"
Torchwood: "thank you Wife for helping us save the world!"
Wife: "I would still like to not be a robot anymore- I'm afraid that i might lose my human personality one day and turn on you guys."
Torchwood: "don't worry we can help you"
Wife: "ummm I'm totally evil right now!!!! oh no!! if only someone could shoot me so I can't hurt anyone!"
Torchwood: blam blam blam!
Wife: "thank you, i am dead"

Artifact: Killer Robot! These killer robots look and act just like humans! Hide some of these on Earth and they will blend right in! But be careful, their human personalities are genuine! If they find out their true nature, they will try to protect humans instead of killing them!

Kills: two robbers, Husband gets stabbed by accident by Wife losing control of her robot hand, a bunch of soldiers at the nuke building, like 20 innocent bystanders, and four killer robots in total.
Bosses Defeated: 0
Births: 4 killer robot personalities emerge!
Total Score: 5,304,500

Moral of the Story: Yo watch out! If your hand turns into a sword without you really controlling it, keep it pointed away from other people at all times!

torchwood s2 e3

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SpoilerPwoowu!! it's 1907 and a hospital is having spooky ghosts show up! Fortunately, Old Torchwood is there to investigate! a portal opens up and there's Future Tommy and Nerd! Tommy says "u uuu, find 1907 me and freeze me! here are some instructions! time loop!"

So 1907 Torchwood finds 1907 Tommy and freezes him. Every year Torchwood unfreezes Tommy for one day to perform medical checkup. 100 years pass, but for Tommy, it's 100 days. Now it is 2007 and the hospital is having spooky ghosts again!

So according to the instructions, they need to send Tommy back into the time portal back to 1907 with a Time Key and some instructions, that way the time loop will be completed and history won't explode! But doing so will kill Tommy- and Tommy and Nerd have fallen in love!

Too bad. Tommy reluctantly meets up with Old Torchwood and says "u uuu, find 1907 me and freeze me! here are some instructions! time loop!" Then he uses Time Key and history doesn't explode.

Artifact: Time Key! This handy dandy device can keep history from exploding. But be careful! If you forget to press the button on the side, history will explode anyway!

Kills: Tommy dies saving history from exploding
Bosses Defeated: 0
Births: no
Total Score: 100

Moral of the Story: If you make a device that prevents history from exploding, design it so that it will go off automatically. Otherwise Tommy might forget to push the button and history will start to explode and you'll have to do some time bullshit to push the button- a real hassle.

torchwood s2 e4

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SpoilerYummy yummy! A delivery truck has crashed and it's full of tasty tasty meat! Why is this meat so tasty? Cause it's alien meat! But Ethics' Boyfriend is the boss of Delivery Truck company! He sees his girlfriend Ethics, and the torchwood team investigating his delivery truck! That's weird! The past year, Ethics has been telling him that she's just doing a desk job! She's lying?!?!

Boyfriend follows Ethics to work. Ethics is at the alien meat factory with the torchwood team, sneaking around! But Boyfriend is bad at sneaking, so Butcher captures Boyfriend!

Butcher: "What are you doing here Boyfriend!?"
Boyfriend: "um um, well i'm boss of delivery truck company, and, uh delivery truck crashed and... i wanted to check on it..."
Butcher: "Oh okay! We told delivery driver to keep this a secret- so either you join the alien meat crime group or we beat you up!"
Boyfriend: "I guess I'm joining the Alien Meat Crime Group!"

Uh oh- Ethics sees Boyfriend and Butcher. She doesn't hear them, but is apparent that Boyfriend is buddy buddy friends with Butcher!!
That night at home, Ethics and Boyfriend confront each other!

Ethics: "how come you are working with crime group!"
Boyfriend: "I'm not! I had to pretend to be just so i could escape! Why are you lying to me about your job!"
Ethics: "well because if i told you aliens were real you would have freaked out"
Boyfriend: "oh fuck aliens are real i'm freaking out! Wait why am I freaking out? I already know aliens are real, I saw one at the alien meat place."

So they hatch a plan- Boyfriend will continue to work for alien meat crime group, and team torchwood will hide in his truck in order to get in!
Space Whale: "boohoo, the butchers are harvesting meat from me but i'm still alive!"
Torchwood: "We'll save you!"
Butcher: "No! We are holding Boyfriend hostage!"
Gunfight!!!! Boyfriend takes bullet to save Ethics! Space Whale is euthanized! Bad guys are defeated!

Boyfriend: "phew, thanks for curing me of being shot by bullet. wow. so now i know what my girlfriend's job is."
Boss: "we're going to erase your memory though"
Ethics: "No!!! I can't lie to Boyfriend any longer!"
Boss: "okay fine"

Alien Artifact: Space Whale! This big baby is an infinite source of meat! Just make sure you sedate it or it will break the chains and start crushing people!

Kills: Space Whale
Bosses Defeated: 0
Births: no
Total Score: 14000

Moral of the Story: When you realize your girlfriend is lying about her job, confront her about it immediately- don't follow her to work! You might get captured by criminals and forced to work for them! Oh also, don't lie to your boyfriend about what your job is. It will really strain your relationship.

torchwood s2 e5

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SpoilerAh, a nice lovely day at the Torchwood office. We got our lovely cast of characters, Boss, Secretary, Nerd, Asshole, Ethics, and we can't forget about Buddypal! He's the best friend and he's been here the whole time!!! Woowee! We love Buddypal! Everyone's favorite character!

Wait, Ethics comes home and doesn't recognize Boyfriend! What happened to her memories?!
And Secretary looks at his diary and sees no mention of Buddypal anywhere!
Secretary confronts Buddypal! But Buddypal implants a bunch of memories of Secretary being evil to torture him!

Secretary: 'boohoohoo i'm evil..."
Boss: "What?? You're not evil... i'm gonna look at the surveillance footage"
Surveillance footage: "Look at how Buddypal didn't exist until today, and is also messing with everyone's memories!"
Buddypal: "Curses! You caught me! I'm a memory entity- I can only exist if people remember me!"
Boss: Okay everyone eat these amnesia pills!
Buddypal: "NooOOOoo I'm dead! shiiitttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt"

They all wake up with no memory of what happened yesterday. Boss didn't write a note explaining what happened to that missing day, but fortunately, none of the team members care for some reason! I guess Ethics will be surprised and Boyfriend says "boy I'm glad you remember me again!"

Artifact: Amnesia Pills! These handy dandy pills are a fun new way of forgetting stuff! Just make sure you write a note like "Hey Self, no cause for alarm. I had to amnesia in order to kill an evil memory alien so don't worry about it!" or you might go "ahh panic why are my memories missing!"

Kills: Buddypal gets erased!
Bosses Defeated: no
Births: Buddypal climbs out of the Rift and implanted memories in order to sustain himself!
Total Score: can't remember

Moral of the Story: If someone discovers your evil plan, don't torture them and give yourself away. Instead just erase their memories of your evil plan!