RE: Timu's Doctor Who and Torchwood Reviews (spoilers!)
04-08-2020, 08:54 PM
torchwood s1 e6
content warnings for just this episode specifically
torchwood s1 e7
torchwood s1 e8
torchwood s1 e9
content warnings for just this episode specifically
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Spoilercannibalism, gore, murder, sex, let me know if i should add more.
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Spoilerew nasty! People are going missing around a small village in the countryside- wait
countryside... this episode is called countrycide.... i just realized it was a pun on countryside- it was more than just sticking -cide at the end of country!!!!
... anyway, ew nasty! There's a lot of gore in this episode!
Anyway the team goes out and decides the best way of investigating this is to set up tents out in the middle of nowhere! Seems safe- ordinary tents should protect you against the alien threat that is roaming this area!
Doesn't matter much cause they find a disgusting corpse, and while they are distracted, their car gets stolen! Asshole left the keys in the car! Dumbass! They gotta walk over to the village and split up! Because dividing your team into smaller, more vulnerable teams is the best thing to do against an alien threat that is roaming the area!
They get captured one by one! What kind of alien monster could be responsible for this- mutilating corpses, sticking body parts in freezers, eating human flesh-
Oh no! The plot twist! It is revealed that the monsters are just humans! Somehow, this small village of 10 people are ALL cannibals, and have apparently been doing this for DECADES and no one from outside the village has noticed or tried to do something about it until NOW.
Boss bursts in just in time to save the team from getting eaten and shoots all the bad guys!
Ethics has to know- why would they do such horrible things? The cannibal leader says "because it made me happy." very creepy and scary. They all go to jail.
Ethics is horrified. She's seen lots of horrible things over the past 6 episodes, and she can't share any of it with her boyfriend because secrecy. So she starts an affair with Asshole, because they have common ground. What?? Man I don't get people sometimes.
Artifact: Humans! These creatures usually don't do horrible things, but sometimes they do. I guess everyone already knew that but whatever. Plot twist?
Kills: like 30 victims of the cannibals, and like 5 cannibals get shot by Boss.
Bosses Defeated: no
Births: no
Total Score: ew
Moral of the Story: Don't split the party when you're in a horror movie!!!!! And don't leave your keys in the car!!!!
countryside... this episode is called countrycide.... i just realized it was a pun on countryside- it was more than just sticking -cide at the end of country!!!!
... anyway, ew nasty! There's a lot of gore in this episode!
Anyway the team goes out and decides the best way of investigating this is to set up tents out in the middle of nowhere! Seems safe- ordinary tents should protect you against the alien threat that is roaming this area!
Doesn't matter much cause they find a disgusting corpse, and while they are distracted, their car gets stolen! Asshole left the keys in the car! Dumbass! They gotta walk over to the village and split up! Because dividing your team into smaller, more vulnerable teams is the best thing to do against an alien threat that is roaming the area!
They get captured one by one! What kind of alien monster could be responsible for this- mutilating corpses, sticking body parts in freezers, eating human flesh-
Oh no! The plot twist! It is revealed that the monsters are just humans! Somehow, this small village of 10 people are ALL cannibals, and have apparently been doing this for DECADES and no one from outside the village has noticed or tried to do something about it until NOW.
Boss bursts in just in time to save the team from getting eaten and shoots all the bad guys!
Ethics has to know- why would they do such horrible things? The cannibal leader says "because it made me happy." very creepy and scary. They all go to jail.
Ethics is horrified. She's seen lots of horrible things over the past 6 episodes, and she can't share any of it with her boyfriend because secrecy. So she starts an affair with Asshole, because they have common ground. What?? Man I don't get people sometimes.
Artifact: Humans! These creatures usually don't do horrible things, but sometimes they do. I guess everyone already knew that but whatever. Plot twist?
Kills: like 30 victims of the cannibals, and like 5 cannibals get shot by Boss.
Bosses Defeated: no
Births: no
Total Score: ew
Moral of the Story: Don't split the party when you're in a horror movie!!!!! And don't leave your keys in the car!!!!
torchwood s1 e7
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SpoilerIt's time for an episode about Nerd! Nerd is a sad girl. She has a crush on Asshole, but he's fucking Ethics. And no one respects her work. She's lonely and stuff.
But then a Hot Girl comes and is like "Nerd, i like you! Take this magic necklace, it lets you read minds!"
Nerd uses it and discovers that everyone is thinking rude thoughts behind her back like "nerd is a nerd" or "nerd's fashion sense is bad" or "nerd is a wimpy baby"
Hot Girl: "see, nerd, i'm the only one who is nice to you! let's have sex!"
Nerd: "okay!"
Hot Girl: "Also! I'm an alien fugitive murderer! that's why i have that necklace! Also, torchwood found a thingy a few days ago- that's the teleporter that sends me back home! Nerd, get me into the torchwood homebase!"
Nerd: "anything for you, hot girl!"
Hot Girl: "Now that I'm in torchwood homebase, i attack everyone!"
Boss: "here take the teleporty thing!"
Hot Girl: "thanks!"
Boss: "I reprogrammed it to send her into the sun."
Artifact: Mind-reader Necklace! This handy device lets you hear the secret evil plans of villains! But usually, you will usually just hear all the mean things people are saying about you!
Kills: Hot Girl. Also Hot Girl killed like three people when she first arrived on earth a hundred years ago.
Bosses Defeated: 0
Births: 0
Total Score: 400
Moral of the Story: Don't be mean to people?
But then a Hot Girl comes and is like "Nerd, i like you! Take this magic necklace, it lets you read minds!"
Nerd uses it and discovers that everyone is thinking rude thoughts behind her back like "nerd is a nerd" or "nerd's fashion sense is bad" or "nerd is a wimpy baby"
Hot Girl: "see, nerd, i'm the only one who is nice to you! let's have sex!"
Nerd: "okay!"
Hot Girl: "Also! I'm an alien fugitive murderer! that's why i have that necklace! Also, torchwood found a thingy a few days ago- that's the teleporter that sends me back home! Nerd, get me into the torchwood homebase!"
Nerd: "anything for you, hot girl!"
Hot Girl: "Now that I'm in torchwood homebase, i attack everyone!"
Boss: "here take the teleporty thing!"
Hot Girl: "thanks!"
Boss: "I reprogrammed it to send her into the sun."
Artifact: Mind-reader Necklace! This handy device lets you hear the secret evil plans of villains! But usually, you will usually just hear all the mean things people are saying about you!
Kills: Hot Girl. Also Hot Girl killed like three people when she first arrived on earth a hundred years ago.
Bosses Defeated: 0
Births: 0
Total Score: 400
Moral of the Story: Don't be mean to people?
torchwood s1 e8
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Spoileroh no! Someone is killing people and writing message- "Torchwood!" Who is the murderer and why do they want torchwood's attention? The only way to figure it out is to whip out that Risen Mitten from episode 1 and question the murder victims. In the two minutes that the Risen Mitten gives them, they learn that the murderer is Bob Regularname, and he's trying to kill everyone involved with a local therapy group.
Wait, Susie was in that therapy group! Remember Susie from episode 1, where she was in charge of the Risen Mitten?
They capture Bob but he's apparently been hypnotized. Looks like they have to use the Risen Mitten on Susie! But- Susie lives past the 2 minutes! Susie basically rejoins the team, and Ethics takes her to see her family.
Uh oh- turns out she's draining the life force from Ethics! Apparently this was all part of her plan all along! While she was alive, she hypnotized Bob, so that after she dies, Bob will start doing murders in such a way that Torchwood is forced to bring Susie back to life in order to get more information! And then once Susie is brought back to life, she will survive forever because of some bullshit involving the fancy knife!
She escapes! But she doesn't get far, because they destroy the Risen Mitten- severing the link between Susie and Ethics. Susie dies for good this time, and Ethics goes back to normal.
Artifact: Life Knife! The True Name of the Fancy Knife from episode 1! This fancy knife can be used to stab people. But be careful, if some bullshit happens, The Life Knife will instead create a life-draining link between Susie and Ethics!
Kills: 3 murder victims, and Susie, again.
Bosses Defeated: 0
Births: Susie becomes a life-draining zombie!
Total Score: 450
Moral of the Story: When someone betrays the team, don't immediately trust them again the moment they come back to life! She might reveal an evil plan and then escape!
Wait, Susie was in that therapy group! Remember Susie from episode 1, where she was in charge of the Risen Mitten?
They capture Bob but he's apparently been hypnotized. Looks like they have to use the Risen Mitten on Susie! But- Susie lives past the 2 minutes! Susie basically rejoins the team, and Ethics takes her to see her family.
Uh oh- turns out she's draining the life force from Ethics! Apparently this was all part of her plan all along! While she was alive, she hypnotized Bob, so that after she dies, Bob will start doing murders in such a way that Torchwood is forced to bring Susie back to life in order to get more information! And then once Susie is brought back to life, she will survive forever because of some bullshit involving the fancy knife!
She escapes! But she doesn't get far, because they destroy the Risen Mitten- severing the link between Susie and Ethics. Susie dies for good this time, and Ethics goes back to normal.
Artifact: Life Knife! The True Name of the Fancy Knife from episode 1! This fancy knife can be used to stab people. But be careful, if some bullshit happens, The Life Knife will instead create a life-draining link between Susie and Ethics!
Kills: 3 murder victims, and Susie, again.
Bosses Defeated: 0
Births: Susie becomes a life-draining zombie!
Total Score: 450
Moral of the Story: When someone betrays the team, don't immediately trust them again the moment they come back to life! She might reveal an evil plan and then escape!
torchwood s1 e9
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SpoilerTorchwood is a secret organization that deals with aliens, but they somehow have a Fanboy anyway. When Torchwood shows up at mysterious crime scenes, Fanboy likes to visit and help, but Torchwood says "go home fanboy! We are top secret!"
But now... Fanboy has been hit by a car and turns into a ghost! No one can interact with him or knows that he's there, but at least now he can finally follow Torchwood around without them telling him to go away!
Fanboy can't remember the circumstances of his death, and because it was just a regular car crash, Torchwood doesn't care. But Ethics cares, so she investigates!
When Fanboy was a young boy, he found a Sparkle Marble! It looks like an alien eyeball, and that's how he got into liking aliens and how he ended up as a Torchwood Fanboy. Even though no one is supposed to know Torchwood deals with alien stuff?
Ethics investigates further, and finds out that Fanboy needed some money so he sold the Sparkle Marble on ebay. Someone bid 15000$ for it! Whoa! Is it really that valuable?? Someone else has bid 15005$ on it! Guess the 15005$ guy is the winner. I wonder who it is... Oh! It's Fanboy's friend, Dickwad!
Dickwad realized that if some eccentric billionaire collector is willing to spend 15000$ on it, then Dickwad should buy it, and then resell it. That way, Fanboy gets no money and Dickwad gets 15000$!!! Dickwad tries to steal the Sparkle Marble from Fanboy, but Fanboy runs away and gets hit by a car!
That's a shame. So that's the mystery of how Fanboy died, now solved. Ethics goes to Fanboy's funeral, and as she leaves- uh oh! a car is about to hit her! Fanboy pushes her out of the way! Whoa!!!!! Fanboy is corporeal again???? But not for long- Fanboy ascends to heaven as everyone tearfully waves him goodbye.
Artifact: Sparkle Marble! This fancy marble will turn you into a ghost when you die. While you're a ghost you can hang out and reflect on your life. You also get a chance to turn corporeal for a few seconds! Be careful though- you'll die permanently after that, so make that moment count!
Kills: Fanboy
Bosses Defeated: 0
Births: Fanboy ghost
Total Score: 15005
Moral of the Story: If you have a fanboy who keeps trying to tell you something about an alien eyeball they found, maybe listen and not tell them to go away?
But now... Fanboy has been hit by a car and turns into a ghost! No one can interact with him or knows that he's there, but at least now he can finally follow Torchwood around without them telling him to go away!
Fanboy can't remember the circumstances of his death, and because it was just a regular car crash, Torchwood doesn't care. But Ethics cares, so she investigates!
When Fanboy was a young boy, he found a Sparkle Marble! It looks like an alien eyeball, and that's how he got into liking aliens and how he ended up as a Torchwood Fanboy. Even though no one is supposed to know Torchwood deals with alien stuff?
Ethics investigates further, and finds out that Fanboy needed some money so he sold the Sparkle Marble on ebay. Someone bid 15000$ for it! Whoa! Is it really that valuable?? Someone else has bid 15005$ on it! Guess the 15005$ guy is the winner. I wonder who it is... Oh! It's Fanboy's friend, Dickwad!
Dickwad realized that if some eccentric billionaire collector is willing to spend 15000$ on it, then Dickwad should buy it, and then resell it. That way, Fanboy gets no money and Dickwad gets 15000$!!! Dickwad tries to steal the Sparkle Marble from Fanboy, but Fanboy runs away and gets hit by a car!
That's a shame. So that's the mystery of how Fanboy died, now solved. Ethics goes to Fanboy's funeral, and as she leaves- uh oh! a car is about to hit her! Fanboy pushes her out of the way! Whoa!!!!! Fanboy is corporeal again???? But not for long- Fanboy ascends to heaven as everyone tearfully waves him goodbye.
Artifact: Sparkle Marble! This fancy marble will turn you into a ghost when you die. While you're a ghost you can hang out and reflect on your life. You also get a chance to turn corporeal for a few seconds! Be careful though- you'll die permanently after that, so make that moment count!
Kills: Fanboy
Bosses Defeated: 0
Births: Fanboy ghost
Total Score: 15005
Moral of the Story: If you have a fanboy who keeps trying to tell you something about an alien eyeball they found, maybe listen and not tell them to go away?
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