RE: Timu's Doctor Who and Torchwood Reviews (spoilers!)
04-08-2020, 04:24 AM
(This post was last modified: 04-08-2020, 08:29 PM by Crowstone.)
It's torchwood time! Torchwood is the R-Rated spinoff tv show for Doctor Who. So here's some content warnings for the whole show:
Content Warnings!
Here's the timeline again...
![[Image: unknown.png]](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/180517328952360960/697273584892117010/unknown.png)
Doctor Who season 1 introduced Captain Jack Harkness. He gains immortality and is then abandoned by The Doctor.
Doctor Who season 2 introduced the organization "Torchwood." No one fights aliens, however, they do.
torchwood season 1 ep 1
torchwood s1 e2
torchwood s1 e3
torchwood s1 e4
torchwood s1 e5
[/spoiler]
Content Warnings!
SpoilerShow
Sex, nudity, murder, sexual assault. Let me know if I should add anymore!
Here's the timeline again...
SpoilerShow
Doctor Who season 2 introduced the organization "Torchwood." No one fights aliens, however, they do.
torchwood season 1 ep 1
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This episode has ordinary cop, Gwen, stumble accidentally on Torchwood fighting aliens. In fact, she stumbles on them twice!
The first time they bring a guy back to life for two minutes with a magic glove! The Risen Mitten!
The second time they let a bugman murder someone before hopping out and arresting the bugman! Why did they wait if they were there the whole time?
Gwen follows them back to their homebase, and they let her in, tell her all their secrets, and then erase her memories. Why not just erase her memories before telling the secrets? seems like it would be faster but whatever. I guess they needed to introduce the audience to the cast:
Boss: Captain Jack who comes back to life after he dies. He's been boss of torchwood since like 1869, but none of his employees know this.
Asshole: Owen is a medical doctor but his main character trait is being a twat
Nerd: Toshiko is a pretty girl who has a crush on Owen and is shy and everyone is mean to her
Secretary: Lanto's name starts with a capital i which is unacceptable so i changed it
Susie: is in charge of the Risen Mitten.
Boss gives Gwen an amnesia pill. Seems like a waste of time, telling her all the alien secrets and then just wiping the memory? Coulda just erased her memory before she came in the door but whatever.
Someone has been stabbing people! The regular police detectives have drawn a police sketch of the murder weapon, which is Fancy Knife. Wait! Gwen saw Fancy Knife at the torchwood place and her memories start to come back! Maybe she can use her recovered memories to solve the crime????
But none of that really matters cause Susie comes right out and confesses immediately for no reason! "I had to create murder victims so I could have people to use the Risen Mitten on!" Then she shoots Boss, but Boss comes back to life, and gives her a spook and she shoots herself.
Boss: "well i guess we have job opening, Gwen you are hired as new Ethics!"
Ethics: Okay I'm Ethics now.
Ethics: Gwen is in charge of making sure the rest of the team isn't mean to the aliens.
Artifact: Risen Mitten! This handy dandy glove makes any corpse it touches come back to life for 2 minutes! But be careful, it slowly turns the user evil!
Kills: 3 murder victims, and Susie!
Bosses Defeated: 1 (Susie shoots Boss at the end of the episode)
Births: New Jobs Position at Torchwood!
Total Score: 10300 points!
Moral of the story: If your murder weapon is easily recognizable, hide it and don't leave it on your desk.
Did you know that the opening credits for this episode had Susie's actress listed on it as if she was a main cast member? This avoids spoiling the twist that Susie was evil all along! Neat!
The first time they bring a guy back to life for two minutes with a magic glove! The Risen Mitten!
The second time they let a bugman murder someone before hopping out and arresting the bugman! Why did they wait if they were there the whole time?
Gwen follows them back to their homebase, and they let her in, tell her all their secrets, and then erase her memories. Why not just erase her memories before telling the secrets? seems like it would be faster but whatever. I guess they needed to introduce the audience to the cast:
Boss: Captain Jack who comes back to life after he dies. He's been boss of torchwood since like 1869, but none of his employees know this.
Asshole: Owen is a medical doctor but his main character trait is being a twat
Nerd: Toshiko is a pretty girl who has a crush on Owen and is shy and everyone is mean to her
Secretary: Lanto's name starts with a capital i which is unacceptable so i changed it
Susie: is in charge of the Risen Mitten.
Boss gives Gwen an amnesia pill. Seems like a waste of time, telling her all the alien secrets and then just wiping the memory? Coulda just erased her memory before she came in the door but whatever.
Someone has been stabbing people! The regular police detectives have drawn a police sketch of the murder weapon, which is Fancy Knife. Wait! Gwen saw Fancy Knife at the torchwood place and her memories start to come back! Maybe she can use her recovered memories to solve the crime????
But none of that really matters cause Susie comes right out and confesses immediately for no reason! "I had to create murder victims so I could have people to use the Risen Mitten on!" Then she shoots Boss, but Boss comes back to life, and gives her a spook and she shoots herself.
Boss: "well i guess we have job opening, Gwen you are hired as new Ethics!"
Ethics: Okay I'm Ethics now.
Ethics: Gwen is in charge of making sure the rest of the team isn't mean to the aliens.
Artifact: Risen Mitten! This handy dandy glove makes any corpse it touches come back to life for 2 minutes! But be careful, it slowly turns the user evil!
Kills: 3 murder victims, and Susie!
Bosses Defeated: 1 (Susie shoots Boss at the end of the episode)
Births: New Jobs Position at Torchwood!
Total Score: 10300 points!
Moral of the story: If your murder weapon is easily recognizable, hide it and don't leave it on your desk.
Did you know that the opening credits for this episode had Susie's actress listed on it as if she was a main cast member? This avoids spoiling the twist that Susie was evil all along! Neat!
torchwood s1 e2
SpoilerShow
Uh oh! It's midnight and all the children have gone to bed. Now we can show torchwood: the edgy adult spinoff of doctor who. In this episode an alien kills people by having sex with them.
Ethics is on her first day of the job and she is clumsy and breaks the big alien egg, releasing Sex Gas. Sex Gas flies away and possess Poor Girl, forcing her to explode a guy. Torchwood captures Poor Girl, and start to do science. According to these readings, Poor Girl's body cannot take the strain of having sex gas in it, so she will die in 30 minutes!
Maybe they should just let it die? No! Ethics says we should try to help the girl.
Doesn't matter! Sex Girl can produce super pheromones, distracting Asshole so she can escape. They run to the cell and find Asshole naked. Then my mom walks in and sees naked Asshole on my computer screen and gets disappointed in me.
Where has Sex Girl gone? If only we had some information about Poor Girl so we might have an idea of where she might go. Wait! Ethics has the information because she cares about Poor Girl! I guess Ethics isn't so useless after all.
They go to Poor Girl's workplace, and apprehend Sex Girl (of course like ten customers blow up in the meantime), and reminds it that it has to hop from body to body because each body only lasts like 30 minutes. Sex Gas pops out but before it can possess Ethics, Boss tosses a seashell at it and it dies.
Artifact: Space Seashell! This handy dandy device makes a forcefield around anything it is thrown at. It even works on alien gas monsters! Just make sure you recharge the battery- don't want the forcefield to run out before the gas monster dies of sex-starvation!
Kills: one nightclub guy, one ex-boyfriend, like ten customers, and one sex gas.
Bosses Defeated: 0
Births: Sex Gas possessed Poor Girl to create Sex Girl!
Total Score: 69
Moral of the Story: Always use protection or you might explode into dust.
Ethics is on her first day of the job and she is clumsy and breaks the big alien egg, releasing Sex Gas. Sex Gas flies away and possess Poor Girl, forcing her to explode a guy. Torchwood captures Poor Girl, and start to do science. According to these readings, Poor Girl's body cannot take the strain of having sex gas in it, so she will die in 30 minutes!
Maybe they should just let it die? No! Ethics says we should try to help the girl.
Doesn't matter! Sex Girl can produce super pheromones, distracting Asshole so she can escape. They run to the cell and find Asshole naked. Then my mom walks in and sees naked Asshole on my computer screen and gets disappointed in me.
Where has Sex Girl gone? If only we had some information about Poor Girl so we might have an idea of where she might go. Wait! Ethics has the information because she cares about Poor Girl! I guess Ethics isn't so useless after all.
They go to Poor Girl's workplace, and apprehend Sex Girl (of course like ten customers blow up in the meantime), and reminds it that it has to hop from body to body because each body only lasts like 30 minutes. Sex Gas pops out but before it can possess Ethics, Boss tosses a seashell at it and it dies.
Artifact: Space Seashell! This handy dandy device makes a forcefield around anything it is thrown at. It even works on alien gas monsters! Just make sure you recharge the battery- don't want the forcefield to run out before the gas monster dies of sex-starvation!
Kills: one nightclub guy, one ex-boyfriend, like ten customers, and one sex gas.
Bosses Defeated: 0
Births: Sex Gas possessed Poor Girl to create Sex Girl!
Total Score: 69
Moral of the Story: Always use protection or you might explode into dust.
torchwood s1 e3
SpoilerShow
Some kid has a magic rock that shows you images of the past and future! They see a vision of a murder from 50 years ago, but it was never solved.
Asshole is like, "we should confront the murderer, who is now an Old Man!"
Boss says, No Asshole, we can't, because of the law, and Magic Rock is not admissible evidence in court!
Asshole says "GRRR!!! Emotions!!! I'm gonna confront Old Man anyway!"
Old Man says "grr i'm gonna stab you!"
Asshole says "Not if i stab you instead! Angry emotions!"
Ethics says "No Asshole, if you do that you will be a murderer too!"
Asshole says, "Reluctant agreement!"
Old Man says, "You'll never take me alive! I stab myself!"
The end. They lock up the magic rock because it makes people very emotional and irrational or something. I dunno.
Artifact: Magic Rock! It can show you things in the past that make you angry! It can show you things in the future that make you scared! Maybe it's best to see nothing at all. Ignorance is bliss!
Kills: Murder victim from the past, and Old Man
Bosses Defeated: no
Births: It was originally a Past Rock and a Future Rock. then they got glued together to make Magic Rock.
Total Score: -200
Moral of the story: If you're going to confront a murderer, don't rush in ALONE because of angry emotion! Think first- you should bring back up in case the murderer tries to stab you.
Asshole is like, "we should confront the murderer, who is now an Old Man!"
Boss says, No Asshole, we can't, because of the law, and Magic Rock is not admissible evidence in court!
Asshole says "GRRR!!! Emotions!!! I'm gonna confront Old Man anyway!"
Old Man says "grr i'm gonna stab you!"
Asshole says "Not if i stab you instead! Angry emotions!"
Ethics says "No Asshole, if you do that you will be a murderer too!"
Asshole says, "Reluctant agreement!"
Old Man says, "You'll never take me alive! I stab myself!"
The end. They lock up the magic rock because it makes people very emotional and irrational or something. I dunno.
Artifact: Magic Rock! It can show you things in the past that make you angry! It can show you things in the future that make you scared! Maybe it's best to see nothing at all. Ignorance is bliss!
Kills: Murder victim from the past, and Old Man
Bosses Defeated: no
Births: It was originally a Past Rock and a Future Rock. then they got glued together to make Magic Rock.
Total Score: -200
Moral of the story: If you're going to confront a murderer, don't rush in ALONE because of angry emotion! Think first- you should bring back up in case the murderer tries to stab you.
torchwood s1 e4
SpoilerShow
Uh oh it's the cybermen! These metal men have the body of a brainwashed human inside of them! They killed like a million people in the Doctor Who Season 2 Finale, and secretary's girlfriend was one of the survivors of that!
She was halfway through the conversion process when Secretary rescued her. This means that instead of having a metal suit of armor around her body, she instead has just a chainmail bikini. Secretary is hiding her in the torchwood basement. He's brought in a businessman who collects cybermen stuff.
Secretary: "Can you cure my girlfriend?"
Businessman: "Maybe! First let's release her restraints!"
CyberGF: "KILL!!! ALL HUMANS MUST DIE! THE CYBER LEGION WILL RISE AGAIN"
Businessman: "bleh i'm dead now!"
Boss: "What the fuck is going on in my basement!??"
Secretary: "Boohoohoo i'm just trying to cure her!"
Boss: "It's too late for that! Pterodactyl, attack!"
Pterodactyl: "I'm the Torchwood Pet and I'm a pterodactyl! I show up rarely because CGI is expensive! Caw caw!"
CyberGF: "Ow! Punch!"
Pterodactyl: "Ow! It looks like I'm dead, but it won't be until season 2 that you find out that I actually survived!"
Audience: "No! The best character is dead, presumably! Boohoohoo!"
Pizza Delivery Girl: "Did someone order pizza?"
CyberGF: "I'm going to transplant my brain into your body!"
PizzaGF: "Now that I'm in Pizza Delivery Girl's body, I no longer have a chainmail bikini to protect me from bullets!"
Torchwood Team: "Finally she's vulnerable again! Pew pew pew!"
Secretary: "Wailing! Sobbing and crying! My girlfriend is dead!"
Boss: "She already was dead, secretary, she already was. Also I forgive you for keeping this deadly secret from us and putting everyone in danger."
Secretary: "Boohoo but okay."
Artifact: Pet pterodactyl! This big baby loves to eat things! Just squirt some barbecue sauce on a target and she will attack it! Just be careful though- the animators spilled some BBQ sauce on the budget, so she can only be used once per season.
Kills: 1 business man, 1 pizza delivery girl, 1 cyberGF
Bosses Defeated: cyberGF electrocutes Boss two times.
Births: PizzaGF
Total Score: 20300
Moral of the story: If your girlfriend says stuff like "HUMANS SHALL BE DELETED. METAL IS PERFECTION" she is probably not your girlfriend anymore.
She was halfway through the conversion process when Secretary rescued her. This means that instead of having a metal suit of armor around her body, she instead has just a chainmail bikini. Secretary is hiding her in the torchwood basement. He's brought in a businessman who collects cybermen stuff.
Secretary: "Can you cure my girlfriend?"
Businessman: "Maybe! First let's release her restraints!"
CyberGF: "KILL!!! ALL HUMANS MUST DIE! THE CYBER LEGION WILL RISE AGAIN"
Businessman: "bleh i'm dead now!"
Boss: "What the fuck is going on in my basement!??"
Secretary: "Boohoohoo i'm just trying to cure her!"
Boss: "It's too late for that! Pterodactyl, attack!"
Pterodactyl: "I'm the Torchwood Pet and I'm a pterodactyl! I show up rarely because CGI is expensive! Caw caw!"
CyberGF: "Ow! Punch!"
Pterodactyl: "Ow! It looks like I'm dead, but it won't be until season 2 that you find out that I actually survived!"
Audience: "No! The best character is dead, presumably! Boohoohoo!"
Pizza Delivery Girl: "Did someone order pizza?"
CyberGF: "I'm going to transplant my brain into your body!"
PizzaGF: "Now that I'm in Pizza Delivery Girl's body, I no longer have a chainmail bikini to protect me from bullets!"
Torchwood Team: "Finally she's vulnerable again! Pew pew pew!"
Secretary: "Wailing! Sobbing and crying! My girlfriend is dead!"
Boss: "She already was dead, secretary, she already was. Also I forgive you for keeping this deadly secret from us and putting everyone in danger."
Secretary: "Boohoo but okay."
Artifact: Pet pterodactyl! This big baby loves to eat things! Just squirt some barbecue sauce on a target and she will attack it! Just be careful though- the animators spilled some BBQ sauce on the budget, so she can only be used once per season.
Kills: 1 business man, 1 pizza delivery girl, 1 cyberGF
Bosses Defeated: cyberGF electrocutes Boss two times.
Births: PizzaGF
Total Score: 20300
Moral of the story: If your girlfriend says stuff like "HUMANS SHALL BE DELETED. METAL IS PERFECTION" she is probably not your girlfriend anymore.
torchwood s1 e5
SpoilerShow
a guy tries to abduct Little Girl but fairies fill his throat with flower petals, suffocating him. Boss recognizes this- 100 years ago some soldiers ran over a girl and they got petaled to death too.
Little Girl's dad is mean to her, so the fairies kill him too. They also kill an old lady for taking pictures of them, and trash Ethic's apartment for no reason.
Boss knows that the fairies are unstoppable, and reluctantly allows Little Girl to turn into a fairy in order to placate the fairies. A sacrifice for the greater good. The girl WANTED to be a fairy though so, it's not THAT bad.
Really nothing much to make fun of in this episode, it was pretty serious and not at all ridiculous.
Artifact: Fairies. These nasty little creatures can control the weather, teleport, travel through time, teleport stuff into people's lungs, and also stab people. Don't mess with them!
Kills: three people in modern times, and a trainful of soldiers in the past.
Bosses Defeated: zero. I think the fairies knew Boss couldn't die so they didn't bother trying.
Births: Little Girl turns into a fairy!
Total Score: 0
Moral of the Story: Be very careful with faeries!
Little Girl's dad is mean to her, so the fairies kill him too. They also kill an old lady for taking pictures of them, and trash Ethic's apartment for no reason.
Boss knows that the fairies are unstoppable, and reluctantly allows Little Girl to turn into a fairy in order to placate the fairies. A sacrifice for the greater good. The girl WANTED to be a fairy though so, it's not THAT bad.
Really nothing much to make fun of in this episode, it was pretty serious and not at all ridiculous.
Artifact: Fairies. These nasty little creatures can control the weather, teleport, travel through time, teleport stuff into people's lungs, and also stab people. Don't mess with them!
Kills: three people in modern times, and a trainful of soldiers in the past.
Bosses Defeated: zero. I think the fairies knew Boss couldn't die so they didn't bother trying.
Births: Little Girl turns into a fairy!
Total Score: 0
Moral of the Story: Be very careful with faeries!
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![[Image: egg005.png?raw=1]](https://www.dropbox.com/s/cm0pzbv31rhi5da/egg005.png?raw=1){kind=small}