Timu's Doctor Who and Torchwood Reviews (spoilers!)

dr 13, season 2, episode 1 (new years special i think)

SpoilerShow

YO YO YO IT'S TIME FOR DOCTOR WHO SPOILERS
here's spoilers for part 1 of the latest doctor who special, the one that aired jan 1st 2020
the new years doctor who special!!
this year we celebrate the new year by doing a homage to james bond movies
secret agents from all over the world are being killed mysteriously by aliens!!!!
oh noes!!!!!!!  the mi6 approach the doctor & her friends and instead of saying what is going on immediately, instead act super suspicious so that us the audience, think that they are bad guys
then!!!! someone hacks the mi6 car's GPS system, giving the GPS systems brand new capabilities such as firing death lasers and locking the door, steering, and pedals from passenger interference!
this death laser is so powerful that when it hits someone, their entire body turns to ash!
it must be super powerful!  Good thing whoever hacked the system has very poor aim and is only able to hit the mi6 driver, who is not important, and none of the other passengers!    also fortunately, an ordinary rearview mirror is capable of reflecting this super powerful death laser, thus allowing the gps to blow itself up, instantly relinquishing control back to the doctor.
they drive the rest of the way to mi6'
's home base where they meet stephen fry, reprising his role from the sherlock holmes movie as mycroft holmes, his brother who works in the mi6 or whatever

andrea01/08/2020
how the fuck does a gps fire lasers

Nottles01/08/2020
very carefully

Timu01/08/2020
he helpfully informs the doctor that the mi6 is not the enemy they just wanted help from the doctor.  the aliens are attacking all secret agents who are investigating uhhh
<picture of google search result for google CEO who is Sundar Pichai>
the doctor who universe equivilent of this guy!
so sundar pichai is the boss of VORE, which is the doctor who universe equivilent of google
VORE is an incredibly powerful company
they have the best search engine in the world

andrea01/08/2020
are they seriously called VORE

Timu01/08/2020
people are constantly VORING things on the internet to learn more about them
(they're called VOR.  but i don't care)

spooKíeros01/08/2020
So basically Doctor Whomst needs to get rid of all vore got it.

Timu01/08/2020
anyway, after stephen fry is done with his little exposition, a death laser comes through the window and kills stephen fry!  oh no!!!
after giving doctor who and her friends like, ten seconds so that they have the time to realize that they are under attack, the shooter resumes firing a barrage of lasers that miss every shot!!!

Nottles01/08/2020
stephen: fried

Timu01/08/2020
nice
doctor & company escape with a bunch of james bond movie gadgets and run away!
uh oh!  it's the aliens!  they are like, coming out of the walls!  and they're humanoid, but they look like whatever they came out of
oh it just occurs to me
that i VORED sundar pichai a couple of minutes ago
i'm sorry everyone.

here my explanation wasn't very good so i just did that to better illustrate it
anyway whatever these things are, they are capable of getting into the TARDIS!  which is known for being 100% impenetrable!  it's unthinkable!  how is it possible that an alien managed to get inside?  these aliens must be super duper powerful!  yikes!  how scary!  now we know how powerful and scary these aliens are, since they can get into the TARDIS, the invincible time machine that has never been broken into before, ever, except like, twenty other times over the past ten years
fortunately they fly away before the alien can fully get inside!
they split the party!  the two 20 year olds will go as undercover spies to spy on sundar pichai, using all the spy gadgets they got!  they discover that he is working with the aliens
there we go

that's the best picture i could find of it
they ran out of budget so that cool texture effect lasts like one second after they come out of the wall

Whimbrel01/08/2020
aw dang my budget

Timu01/08/2020
anyway, after downloading sundar pichai's entire computer, they get attacked by aliens
one of our heroes escapes but the other one gets obliterated by the aliens!  but luckily turn out she was just teleported into a mysterious room with mysterious pillars everywhere....
meanwhile...........................................................
Doctor who and Grandpa have gone to visit Single O
it's like double o seven, but, there's only one o and that's it

Whimbrel01/08/2020
Doctor Ooooooo

Timu01/08/2020
(by the way, stephen fry was C.  basically the character Q from james bond)
0 is a secret agent who was fired from the mi6 because everyone thought he was crazy for believing in aliens
despite how like, 10 years ago doctor who decided 'fuck it' to all the alien stuff being secret and made it like, public knowledge

Whimbrel01/08/2020
and there was a whole government agency dedicated to alien stuff

Timu01/08/2020
about time, earth gets attacked like, every tuesday.  it took the moon blowing up for society to be like 'okay yeah fine, aliens are real,'

Whimbrel01/08/2020
its fine, though, continuity is for scrubs

Timu01/08/2020
anyway O and doctor who and grandpa and two other secret agents get attacked by the aliens!  they destroy the two secret agents but they don't matter so they don't get teleported to the pillar dimension, i guess they just die.  or maybe they did?  we'll find out in part 2, though tbh they will probably just not mention the two secret agents at all
luckily O turns on his house's electric fence, which makes all but one alien run away!!!!!
the remaining alien persists, but they trap him in a glass box.  he says some ominous stuff like 'we are from another universe, it took us a while to figure out how to stabilize into bright white instead of budget restricting cool texture, but we did it, and now we will destroy your whole universe!'
they he dissappears and in his place is the girl who had just been teleported out of the pillar dimension

Whimbrel01/08/2020
ah, they made the same mistake as in Signs, and War of the Worlds....invading a planet with their anathema....electricity....
and then running out of texture budget...

Timu01/08/2020
how mysterious!  the whole team regroups and infiltrates Sundar Pichai's birthday party by hacking the guest list
doorman: "let's see, yup, here you are.  'The Doctor' that's a weird name but i'm not paid to question it, go right on it"
doctor: sundar pichai!  i know you are working with the aliens!  what are you planning!  are you the boss of the aliens, or are the aliens the boss of you?
sundar pichai: I'm running away!!
sundar pichai has a gun and a car
if only doctor who had some kind of super vehicle that could do anything
let's steal some VORE brand motorcycles instead!!!
they embark on a cheesy car chase!!!!
fortunately, all of VOREman's bullets home in onto the motorbike's bulletproof handlebars!  how convenient!
VOREman is getting onto an airplane!
hurry let's jump into the cargo hold!  good thing we all can run faster than a plane!
yay everyone made it onto the plane in time!!!!
secret agent O 'huff puff i just barely made it, i was never good at running'
doctor: 'wait, but your file says you are a good sprinter'
O: O
:O
i guess you caught my bluff
yes i was evil alllll along
i am blowing up this plane!  also look out the window it's my house, and it's flying in the sky!  weird huh!  and Voreman has dissappared and been replaced with a bomb!
and i'm teleporting the doctor into the pillar dimension!
and the aliens are here on this plane too!!!!!
the bomb has exploded and the plane is crashing!!!
grandpa and two kids are surrounded by the aliens!!!!  how can this be resolved!!!
find out in... PART TWO
which i can't watch right now cause my sister said 'okay let's watch it tomorrow i'm tired zzzzzz'

Robust Laser01/08/2020
:clap::clap::clap:

Timu01/08/2020
oh i forgot to mention it
but like, during that exposition where stephen fry was talking about how aliens attacked some secret agents
those secret agents were in comas, but otherwise looked fine, however their DNA had been completely replaced with alien DNA so they were basically just aliens with human skin on
okay Overall Rating:
Villain: VORE
Deaths: six secret agents and stephen fry
Births: three DNA-altered secret agents
Overall Death Rate:  i forgot how i calculated death rate.  is it death rate divided by birth rate?  sure.  75%.
Overal Rating: single 0 out of ten
picks up @Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ?? and @Digimon Wife Solaris ?? what did you think of the episode :3 ??

Digimon Wife Solaris ??01/08/2020
they did a new years episode and not a christmas episode so we couldnt watch it

Whimbrel01/08/2020
Wait, they didn't do a christmas episode? D:

Digimon Wife Solaris ??01/09/2020
it was new years instead

Timu01/09/2020
oh here's uh
[img]https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1...nknown.png[/img]
from the hacked GPS attacking everyone in the car

Whimbrel01/09/2020
oh no they learned how to send cyberthreats

Timu01/09/2020
recalculating...  Okay here is your new route.  in fifty meters, turn left into hell

Robust Laser01/09/2020
I liked the part with the vore

Timu01/09/2020
i had to do a lot of vore in order to find all four of those pictures i got
i vored google ceo, brick wall, spyfall alien, doctor who gps, doctor who gps car scene, doctor who spyfall gps car scene, doctor who spyfall gps car scene video

dr13, s2 e2 (part 2 of new years special)

SpoilerShow

bawa
i have watched Doctor Who: Spyfall part two
let the spy fall
when it crumbles
we will stand tall
previously on yugioh:  oh no the plane is crashing

Robust Laser01/09/2020
Pulls up a seat

Timu01/09/2020
wait, the plane has these big plaques on the wall
let's see
they send us on a little scavenger hunt around the plane until seat 43C where there's a pamphlet that says :"How to land a plane without a cockpit in case it has been blown up"
i dunno how the manufacturers of the plane or any of its passengers never noticed the doctor time travelling to when the plane was being built to set up all these plaques
but anyway. the solution is open this panel on the floor, and push the 'fix plane button'
thanks doctor!
meanwhile: doctor: oh no i was teleported into the pillar dimension.
shiny bright aliens: alright off you go, get out of our pillar dimension please
doctor: oh no i was teleported out into...1834!!!!! and ada lovelace, pioneer of computers is here
secret agent O: i'm here check out my cool gun that turns people into action figures!!!
doctor & ada: run away!  let's hack the shiny alien's teleporty powers to go back to the 21st century!!!
doctor & ada: oh no we ended up in 1943 instead!  oh it's uh noor inayat khan another famous historical figure for modern technology!!
secret agent O: i'm still chasing you threw time!  me and my shiny bright alien buddies have been spying on all these historical computer inventors for reasons that are still not clear at the end of this episode!
we did the time travel portals and set up bright alien people to spy on these scientists
why?  because
uh
why not?  ?? ?? ? ?? ? ?????????????????????
meanwhile in the future:
Voreman: it's me!  CEO of VORING!      i'm here to announce that all those privacy agreements and stuff were a lie!  you gave us all your data!  oh no!  because you vored all of your data to me, vore master!  this allows me to do!  uh!  nothing!
there' was no reason for me to steal your data!!!
now i have hacked every computer in the world so that they shoot bright light aliens out of them to every human on the planet!!!
we could have done this without spying on computer-inventors or stealing data

Coward01/09/2020
Voreman sounds like he just wanted to look at people's weird porn searches

Timu01/09/2020
but
sure
they really didn't need to do all the data stealing or spying
they could have just hit the big button for 'hack everyone's phone to shoot bright light aliens out'
why
there was no point
what purpose did it serve

Coward01/09/2020
the whole killing and taking over the planet was actually the secondary goal clearly

Timu01/09/2020
you just had to hit the button

Coward01/09/2020
the first was giggling at pornhub

Timu01/09/2020
anyway
now that everyone on the planet is being attacked by bright light aliens, we are going to turn everyone into comatose husks with all of your dna completely rewritten
turns out the dna that you're changing into isn't like, xenomorphs or anything
we're just using your dna strands to hold data

Coward01/09/2020
that seems terribly inefficient
and hard to search and index

Timu01/09/2020
(a google search result for "how many gigabytes is dna".  The answer is 1.5 Gigabytes.  a single byte of data can represent 4 nucleotides, and there is enough of those in the human genome to represent 1.5 GB)
there we go
so now everyone on the planet is gonna be turned into extremely biodegradable flash drives
you know that animals can just nom nom nom up
and they rot and stuff
and fall apart if you don't feed them
but now that we have so much storage space, this will somehow allow us to take over the entire UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!!!
doctor: remember all that time travelling i've been doing?
well i time travelled to when the plane was being built to install the plane-fixing shenanigans
then i time travelled to a year ago and hacked the turn-everyone-into-hard-drives button so that it doesn't do that, but instead defeats the aliens and sends them back to their own universe

Coward01/09/2020
this sounds way worse than the usual dr who fare

Timu01/09/2020
oh shit i forgot someone got turned into an action figure in part 1
part one overall rating amendment:

Cro-ɪba (Reecer6)01/09/2020
wait if they're turning your dna into memory, where are they keeping like

Coward01/09/2020
this seems, extremely discombobulated and like a million plotthreads at once but no real plan of execution

Cro-ɪba (Reecer6)01/09/2020
the parts of your dna that you use to be you and biologically function

Coward01/09/2020
you don't, you're a beef jerky flashdrive

Cro-ɪba (Reecer6)01/09/2020
like it's brought up that dna would be a super efficient data storage system... when used in a completely different context to how it's used in the human body

Coward01/09/2020
they could have just, vat grown themselves some better meat sticks

Timu01/09/2020
death rate: Deaths: six secret agents and stephen fry, and one guy got turned into an action figure
overall death rate: well eight divided by four is two so 2, which is a 100% increase over 1, so, 100% death rate, wait no, that means everyone died, but, wait, how do i calculate this again

Coward01/09/2020
you know, speaking of growing people and stuff. I really liked that one episode of dr who from years ago with the cloning vat
it was a good horror comedy

Timu01/09/2020
okay part two overall rating:
villain: vore
death rate: let's see,
in 1834 three people got turned into action figures,
in ww2, surprisingly no one died on screen
in modern times, one person turned into a memory drive to demonstrate what would happen to everyone else.  so FOUR people died!!!!!!!
birth rate: one 1.5 gig hardrive.  you know you can just, head to the store and like, buy a TWO gigabyte hardrive.  costs like twenty bucks or whatever and it even comes with wire ports so you can actually use it.  also you don't have to feed it
overall death rate: three.  i dunno
overall rating: 1.5 gigabytes out of 10

Coward01/09/2020
>2 gig hard drive
I don't think they sell those anywhere anymore. Even 2 gig flash drives are getting hard to find with the standard small one being like 4-8.

Timu01/09/2020
you're right i should've vored 'typical hard drive sizes and prices 2019' first before making that joke
i regret my misinformation
sorry i just had to make one more vore joke
i don't regret it htough