Timu's Doctor Who and Torchwood Reviews (spoilers!)

It's the 13th doctor era! Featuring the first female regeneration of the doctor, and her companions: Ryan, Jas, and Gramps. Gramps is Ryan's grandpa, and jas is ryan's friend from high school. Their professions: Ryan: millenial, Jas: traffic cop, Gramps: old person

13th doctor, s1 e1

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SpoilerDoctor who spoilers time!!!!!!
in this episode a the doctor & friends fight a guy

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??10/07/2018
oh fuck

Timu10/07/2018
hiii :3
did you see the episode? if not do you want me to tell you my version of it :3 or do you planning to watch it and want no spoils

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??10/07/2018
I'm not going to watch it, I don't have a tv license

Timu10/07/2018
ok :3
so the new doctor has just been regenerated
she crashes through the roof of a train at the same time as an alien crashing through the front of the train
very convenient
the alien is a big ball of wriggly squirming power lines and stuff
it goes zappy zappy and it gives everyone a static shock before flying away
meanwhile a guy finds a big egg in the middle of the woods
and calls the cops, and the cop happens to be a friend from high school
and his grandparents happen to be on the train that is getting zappy zapped
the egg hatches!! it's a guy with a bunch of human teeth glued to his face!!!!!
and he has the power to freeze people's faces off, but we never actually see that
he kills a homeless guy, a security guard, and some rando who is trying to find aliens
turns out the alien government randomly selects a human every couple of decades and his challenge is to go trophy hunting to find that human
except he cheated because he's not allowed to use tools, except he is using a squirmy electric eel wires power cord colony to track down the alien and also to place bombs
*track down the human
he eats all the electric eels so that he can absorb the knowledge of where the specific human is, but because the doctor built her own sonic screwdriver out of random parts in a garage, he also eats the bombs and kills himself
the moral of the story is that you shouldn't cheat at hunting games

s13, s1 e2:

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Spoilerin this episode, the doctor fights ribbons
during the day they're just scraps of cloth
but at night they come to life and fly around
they will wrap around your face and choke you, but only when it's alone and can easily be overpowered by a second person with a pocket knife
but, if there's a group of them, like, a ton of them, far too many to fight off, they will instead just swirl around menacingly and trash talk you
also featured in this episode
androids with laser guns that are completely incapable of landing a single shot
fun fact: these robots are called SniperBots
https://tardis.wikia.com/wiki/SniperBot

dr13 s1 e3
apparently i skipped this episode. Anyway, I'll just make a review right now based on what i remember from it, even though i haven't seen it in 2 years.

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SpoilerA white supremist from the future has come to prevent Rosa Parks' refusal to move on the bus! His plan is to make modern times racist again. Ryan teleports him into the sun or something, thus allowing history to go the way it's supposed to. Good.

dr13, s1 e4

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Spoilern todays episode of Dr who
a conspiracy is confirmed
Trump builds landfills under his hotel to make more money
and due to skipping proper disposal safety procedures, toxic waste + radioactive spiders = giant spiders attack uk
the issue kinda resolves itself I guess
apparently when they get to Car-Size they collapse under own weight
and Trump gets away with it
the end
(it's not actually Trump it is fictional trumplike person)

dr13 s1 e5

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SpoilerDr + friends visit a junkyard planet for some reason and get blown up by a mine! a space ambulance comes and saves them but they get attacked by a baby that eats spaceships
unfortunately the spaceship sucks so if anything wrong happens, it self destructs.... the doctor feeds the baby the bomb and they all survive
not really that much to say about this episode
one of the other alien patient's species is a Regular Humans, Except With Mpreg , that's neat I guess,

the captain dies accidentally because the baby ate vital electrical components and he blows up

and a pilot has a heart attack after piloting them all to safety

Overall summary:
Villain: hungry hungry space baby who just wants a snack
Death Toll: 2 out of 10 people
Birth Rate: 1
Overall Mortality Rate: 10%
Morals of the Story:
1. Design your ships with a "Phone Call" button (so you can ask for help) and not just a "Self Destruct" button, it might work out better
Overal Rating: Baby/10

dr 13 s1 e6

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Spoilerit's a historical episode.... the kind where dr & friends go back in time and just watch a history thing happen and kinda get involved
and of course there's also an aliens ......... but this time...
the aliens are also!!! just time travelers who are just hanging out watching history unfold
It's the partition of india and pakistan
in which a lot of violence and such happened......
a murder!!! Aliens! did you do the murder?
No, the humans did this to each other
yikes this is worse than if aliens just did the bad things
Villain: alien assassins- wait plot twist, it's just alien tourists, the real villain was the humans we met along the way
Death Toll: 200k to 2million
Birth Rate: 0
Morals: Racism is bad :( :( :(
other moral: if you're friendly alien, don't say creepy cryptic stuff like "YOU WILL ALL DIE" and more like friendly stuff like "Hey we're time travelers and we're building a memorial for the lives sadly lost in these troubling times"
Overall Rating: Somber/10, I like comedy/action episodes better but this was still apretty good story i guess

dr13 s1 e7

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SpoilerThis is the kind of episode i like: goofy plots, sci-fi shit, good old dr who mystery stuff
the funny stuff
In this episode, the doctor receives a mail from an amazon delivery android drone (it's the future so it's space amazon)
the mail though... got a packing slip that cryptically reads "HELP ME" ... looks like it's time to infilitrate Space Amazon Shipping Warehouse!
people are mysteriously going missing.... make sure you don't wander the dark parts of the warehouse alone.... the robots are always watching, always listening, and when you're alone........
Featuring: Lovable employee, who is a dad with a loving daughter and is very nice. he dies right away
featuring Human Resources Manager! The silly lady who is nice and maybe is secretly evil???!?!?!
featuring pretty girl, who says stuff like "oh my gosh that is the first compliment i have ever received in my life" and "i've only received one gift, but it was very nice so i feel happy that my work delivers gifts to families on christmas" and like meetcute stuff, the janitor is a cute boy but we're both shy and obviously like each other but we're too shy to do anything about it,
featuring: The Head In-Charge Top Boss, who is rude and mean to pretty girl and other employees and is DEFINITELY evil and up to something. His name is Jethro McEvilName
(his name is Slade)
featuring: the cute janitor boy, who joins in with the gang to solve the mystery of the mysterious disappearances, the robots attacking people, the HELP ME packing slip, and the frequent power outages that keep happening.......
featuring: a conveyor belt action scene, with lasers and smoke effects and speed lines because the conveyors go fast, they are meant for packages not people but the people go on them anyway!!!!! Rude! stay out of the basement!!!!!!

Digimon Wife Solaris ??11/22/2018
i cant believe dr who is so woke

Timu11/22/2018
like hell yeah watch this damn episode @Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ?? this is the good shit
classic stuff
solaris get jacquerel to watch it
i'm not even going to spoil the ending for you in which the doctor dies and regenerates back into the eleventh doctor, because i really think you'd enjoy this episode that much
Overall Rating:
Villain: jeff bezos
Deaths: eleven, doctor, and lovable employee dad who is nice and tragically dies, and nine other people offscreen probably
Births: eleventh doctor is back, clara too
Overall Death Rate: 11%
Overal Rating: 11/10

dr13 s1 e8

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Spoiler
in the latest doctor who episode, they fight mud
They travel back in time to the witch trials of long ago.... weird thing is happening to the mud...
is it witchcraft or is it aliens? ?? ?? ?????????????????????????
spoilers: it's aliens
witches aren't real
but cgi mud tendrils and zombies filled with mud are real
Villain: a blob of mud with a face
Death Toll: like, some people but more importantly ALL the horses died
Birth Rate: 0
Mortality Rate: Budget cuts mean no horses
Moral of the story: if you are scared of someone don't murder them
Overall Rating: Muddy/10

dr13, s1 e9

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Spoilerin this episode, Dr who goes to norway
this was a pretty neat episode I think
theres a cabin in the woods........ and a monster in the forest making scary noises eek so frighten
Villain: killer moths
piranha moths that can skeletonize a goblin in a matter of seconds

Pharmacy12/07/2018
of course, moths can do it

Timu12/07/2018
deaths: 1 goblin
resurrections: 2
overall death rate: -1
moral of the story: it's okay to feel grief and miss a loved one who you lost, but it's also important to let go and not destroy yourself over it

Pharmacy12/07/2018
also moths are not to be trusted

Timu12/07/2018
Rating: Homestuck/10

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??12/07/2018
that poor goblin

Timu12/07/2018
moths can only feel hate
I'll type up more detailed when get home

Pharmacy12/07/2018
I can't wait

Timu12/08/2018
hi i'm back from my sister's house

Pharmacy12/08/2018
hi

Timu12/08/2018
so so
you know the trope of like in fiction, where if you create a time paradox, a time demon will come and attack you or something
usually you just like, fade from existence or words on a newspaper will change
but sometimes a rip in the fabric of reality will open and some gargoyles or something will come out and stuff
like, what
anyways this time instead of time gargoyles like that one episode back in season one of doctor who, The Laws of Physics instead create a cave filled with moths and a goblin who likes making balloons and has two knives
because back before the big bang, there was the concepts of Math and Physics and Social Studies and stuff but, there was also the Concept of Homestuck
Math, Physics and Social Studies hated homestuck
they were all like, we want to make a universe with coherent laws that govern reality, but homestuck just, really doesn't work out. contradicts with the logic or something
so Physical Education said, well, why don't we just put Homestuck in its own universe where he doesn't mess up our universe
"Great Idea!" said Study Hall, "but what if Homestuck tries to come back?"
Geology said, "Well, how about we make a third dimension, like, a cave, to sit between us and Homestuck, as sort of like a barrier to keep Homestuck out."
Biology added to the idea, "And I'll fill it with killer moths too! That way if some foolish mortals try to go through, they'll get eaten!"
Anthropology finished the idea with "Let's put gollum in from lord of the rings, just because why not. I mean we did gargoyles and time wraiths, we can do anything and it will make sense."
And so the plan to exile Homestuck was complete.
fast forward to 2018:
Homestuck has been sitting all alone in the Homestuck Dimension for like 13.8 billion years and was crying and crying some more and so so lonely. Homestuck just wanted to have some friends. So what if it didn't work well with the other Laws of Reality? Boohoohoo. Maybe, just, one friend? Is that okay?
Homestuck does the magic and makes a mirror turn into a portal, through which Chris Hemsworth (famous actor, best known for playing the jock in Cabin in the Woods and the huntsman from Snow White and the Huntsman), travels through the killer moth cave unscathed...
Gasp! Chris Hemsworth finds himself in Heaven! His dead wife is there! What a nice place. It's pretty nice. But his daughter is back home. uuu uu................. an Idea!! Because I'm such a good dad, and my daughter is blind, I'll trick her into staying put while I visit my dead wife. I'll just set up this speaker system to make it sound like there's a monster in the woods, and i'll be on my way. It's gonna be fine since my daughter is a teenager and can take care of herself probably."

Akumu12/08/2018
excuse me

Timu12/08/2018
So the doctor & friends come, visit heaven, find chris hemsworth, other dead characters are alive here too, but how is this possible? It's just straight up impossible that dead people can come back to life
hi hi akumu :3

Akumu12/08/2018
everything was fine and made sense until "i'll fake a monster in the woods with a speaker system"

Timu12/08/2018
But akumu he's a good father
how else is he gonna make sure she doesn't run off unsupervised

Pharmacy12/08/2018
haha

Timu12/08/2018
anyway, it's super outlandish and like, really mindboggling to see these dead people, despite about 70% of the the past doctor who season finales involving some alien doing the alien stuff to bring people back to life
and this time it's because they aren't really back alive again, it's just Homestuck, playing with your feelings by creating imitations of your loved ones to trick you into staying, because homestuck is lonely
unfortunately, with Doctor Who, and Chris Hemsworth, and four other Regular Humans, there, they brought along a little bit too much reality.
For every bit of matter in the universe contains some amount of Quantum Physics, History, and Home Economics, etc,
so they're in Homestuck dimension now and they're like OOHHHHHH SHIT IT"S HOMESTUCK OHHH YOU SMELL SO BADDDD AAUAUUGHGHGHGHGHG
uh oh!! Dimension is collapsing!!!!!! But Homestuck never meant any harm.... was just so lonely. Doctor is like, Humans!!!! I know it's tempting to stay here with your loved ones, but as Timu said two pages ago, the moral of the story is that "t's okay to feel grief and miss a loved one who you lost, but it's also important to let go and not destroy yourself over it"
so let go of your loved ones, they're not real anyway, so you got to let go and not get literally destroyed physically by the dimension collapsing, go now
and the humans are like, awww fine.
and doctor says to Homestuck, and this applies to you too, because that's the overarching theme of this story, YOU, Homestuck, YOU must ALSO let go of your feelings for the Laws of Reality. You have to let them go because if you don't you will be destroyed too
and Homestuck is like awwwww that's too bad, also my true form is a frog, and timu's sister was like "oh frogs were universe in homestuck, is this a trope or something" and that's why timu has been calling me homestuck this whole time, goodbye doctor i love you
doctor who: i love you too frog universe goodbye
and they run away and the killer moths are like: Grrr we're still here, remember us!!!!! We're coming for you!! better run away!!!!
and they escape, the end.

Akumu12/08/2018
why are frogs not compatible with the laws of reality

Timu12/08/2018
well, have you seen Homestuck taught in schools?
i didn't think so.

dr13 s1 episode 10 (season finale)

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SpoilerPREVIOUSLY ON DOCTOR WHO:
episode 1 of this series:
I am THE TOOTH FAIRY, i am an evil alien from the civilization of Tooth Fairies who has come to this planet to hunt for sport..........
dcotor: no stop, i'm going to do the science and cause your tech to backfire on you, causing you to be teleported back him and also hurt reallllllll badly
human grandma: oh no i died in collateral damage
episode 2 of this series: we are on scary planet!!!! featuring robots named Sniperbots who have the absolute atrocious aim! Ribbons that trash talk you! who made all these scary things???? The tooth fairy civilization!
and now, for....... episode 10 or whatever of this series!!!!!
We are two aliens! we have the power to do like, anything with the power of our minds! We are religious and have been waiting for The Creator
Tooth Fairy: hi, i just got teleported here. I'm your Creator.
Aliens: We believe yoU! What would you like us to do, creator?
tooth fairy: Can you shrink down these planets, teleport them here, and put them in eggs?
alien: consider it done
other aliens whose planets just got destroyed: yo that's not cool, we're going to your planet to stop you
tooth fairy: oop we're under attack, can you two beat up these guys for me
alien: yeah okay, but, we're feeling more and more guilty about this, but, whatever you say boss!
other aliens: ooo OOOOooOOooo these sniper robots that they made are really bad at aiming but we're still getting our butt kicked, distress signal
doctor: did someone say distress signal??? we're here now!!!!!
human grandad: omg it's tooth fairy, you killed my wife
doctor: don't do revenge!
grandad: i'm gonna do the revenge!

Pharmacy12/23/2018
tooth fairies are yautja

Timu12/23/2018
doctor: no don't
grandad: i'm gonna do it!!!! oo boy i'm gonna do it!
tooth fairy: aliens! it's time to shrink one more planet, this one is gonna be EARTH!
aliens: sigh, fine, whatever you say....
doctor: no don't do that, he's not actually a god
aliens: oh, okay, we will not shrink earth then.
eggs containing planets: we're hatching, and one we hatch that's like five planets that are gonna suddenly pop up real close to each other
doctor: let's stop this using lots of science
eggs: yay we're back to where we originally were and no one died
tooth fairy: grrr you ruined my plans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but at least i can still harvest your teeth with my bare hands!
grandad: i have a gun
tooth fairy: uh oh
grandad: i'm gonna do the revenge
tooth fairy: oooooooo no
grandad: actually no, i'm just gonna put you in jail for the rest of eternity
doctor: good work, you didn't do the revenge!
tooth fairy: curse you doctor! i would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you rotten kids and your stupid dog too
other aliens: thanks for saving our planets and also us!
aliens: thanks for teaching us that god isn't real, but the real god was the friends we made along the way. specifically us two. cause we have godlike powers. we shrunk like five planets and teleported them across the universe into eggs. the real god was inside us all along

Pharmacy12/23/2018
katamari damacy

Timu12/23/2018
Villain: tooth fairy
deaths: 0
eggs hatched: five
overall death rate: -5 planets

miauw12/23/2018
isnt shrinking planets and teleporting them across the universe into eggs basically homestuck

Timu12/23/2018
moral of the story: don't blindly trust people that are your leaders. if they tell you to do a bad thing, maybe they shouldn't be leader.
Overall Rating: Egg/10
evertyhing is homestuck. homestuck did every tvtrope, so now everything is a homestuck reference

dr 13, season 1, episode 11 (new years special)

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Spoilerpicks up and shakes the fuck @Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ?? and @Digimon Wife Solaris ??
GUESS WHO WATCHED THE doctor who new years special A MONTH LATE
ME.
and
featuring guest star:
Whimbrel!!!!!!!!
@Whimbrel
okay
so 1200 years ago, a Dalek came to earth
like, a super dalek with special superpowers. more superpowers than normal daleks. this is because this dalek is a scout dalek.
so it has the power to mind control people who give him a piggyback
and it also has the power to teleport
and make the tardis control panel go sparky sparky malfunctiony
standard stuff that all doctor who villains ever can also do

Digimon Wife Solaris ??02/02/2019
we saw this one but keep going

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??02/02/2019
oh i saw this one it was funny

Timu02/02/2019
so 1200 years ago a bunch of losers beat up this dalek with fire and swords and then when they were done they cut it into three pieces and traveled across the world to hide it in secret
making sure to ensure that no one knew about it, and so no one would ever find it, and bring it back together etc
so two of these people did that
and one guy died right away

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??02/02/2019
i like that part of the story because it’s completely irrelevant to anything else that happens

Timu02/02/2019
and 1200 years later there is a huge ass book all about this
despite two people who knew making sure to keep it a secret, and the the last person who knew being too dead to tell anyone so, idk
yeah, it's all completely irrelevent anyway
cause once the dalek piece hidden in cheffield comes active, all the other pieces just teleported back to it

Pharmacy02/02/2019
so are they like
doctor who important people
or like just a bunch of weird knight side characters

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??02/02/2019
they don’t matter even slightly

Timu02/02/2019
weird knight side characters who show up in a three minute prologue that doesn't matter at all

Pharmacy02/02/2019
what's the point of showing it...

Timu02/02/2019
because everything they do gets immediately undone in minute #4

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??02/02/2019
their self appointed task was a complete waste of several generations of time
which is very funny

Timu02/02/2019
and never gets relevent again

Pharmacy02/02/2019
harr

Timu02/02/2019
anyways so this archeologist boy and girl like are digging up this dalek piece, but they first have to confess their love to each other
so that we can feel sympathy for them
the dalek comes back to life and the girl is like... i'm gonna touch it...
and Me, timu, am watching and i say "what, why,,, why YYY would you touch it"

Pharmacy02/02/2019
"going to shove it into my mouth."

Timu02/02/2019
and then we see that she's wearing those like, plastic doctor gloves, so, okay it's okay then.
then she doesn't tell anyone that the dalek has climbed up her shirt, i guess maybe it's already controlling her, but she seems to still be in control at this point

Digimon World Enthusiast Jac ??02/02/2019
“well bury these in three corners of the world so they will never reunite, i will tell my kids and their kids to continue this sacred task of guarding these graves”
<16 generations pass>
<one piece just teleports the other two to it immediately as soon as someone finds it>

Timu02/02/2019
*seems to be in control still
so doctor shows up like "the tardis detected weird dalek teleporting happening!!! where is it"
and she is like "it left"
so either she is just irresponsibly not telling them that she's got a dalek hiding under her shirt because she is embarassed maybe?
or the dalek is in control already and is trying to remain hidden, but yet is surprised later in the episode when the doctor is like "hi i'm the doctor." and the dalek goes "whoa it's the doctor who i am just now meeting for the first time this episode!"

Whimbrel02/02/2019
so when did daleks become puppet masters anyway

Timu02/02/2019
since they joined the boy scouts
it was a scout dalek remember

Whimbrel02/02/2019
it almost feels like they wrote most of the script with an original alien and then were like "ok wait what if it were daleks"
"people would be like oh no how unexpected! if it were daleks"

Timu02/02/2019
anyways so the dalek takes control of her body and forces her to Steal a Police Car, and Go to the Illuminati's Alien Junk Salvage Facility to steal a dalek gun, and then go to a local smithery
and then construct a fully functioning standard dalek salt shaker suit
complete with like, flight, and tank missiles and bulletproof
made out of just, scrap metal. i guess there's some more old dalek junk that it found idk
the girl is freed at this point, and the dalek helpfully drives off to hide in a different room so the protagonists can have a conversation
then the doctor goes to fight the dalek and she's like "i jammed your gun"
dalek: "I unjammed my gun"
doctor "uh oh, it could super kill me now"
dalek: "now that the one advantage you had over me is gone, you are..... spared. see ya later. bye " and it flies off

Whimbrel02/02/2019
with super great cgi
just like "wow that looks computer generated'
so good

Timu02/02/2019
then it goes off and fights some generic soldiers and then shuts down the internet
MEANWHILE: some drama stuff is happening!!! one of the doctor's human friends has a dad who was never really around, but now is back because he made a new years resolution of "try to be less of a bad dad" and also "new job: sell microwaves"

Whimbrel02/02/2019
and there's this scene of people we have absolutely no attachment to
going

Timu02/02/2019
and the family is like "you still suck and we're still mad at you"

Whimbrel02/02/2019
"wow"
"the wifi's out..."
and with a look of dawning horror
"are we going to have to....TALK TO EACH OTHER?!"
and you can hear the script writers going "heh, millenials!"

Timu02/02/2019
oh yeah a brief comedy relief scene of some completely random people who has no relevance
heheh
okay so bad dad joins the team, so now we have Original Cast + two archeologists + bad dad
they go to the wifi building to confront the dalek
they're protected by a shield though!!!!
but they turn off the shield so they can run around the dalek and tape some microwave oven parts to it
see the microwave from bad dad's new job, it turned out to be super important

Whimbrel02/02/2019
hey back in 900 bc they used like
normal fire
just a bunch of sticks on fire
it's really tough metal tho
for serious
did a whole gulliver's travel thing where they netted it down

Timu02/02/2019
the microwave oven works and destroys the dalek tank---- but the dalek ejected and is now puppeting bad dad!!!
so it's hostage situation
the dalek is like "take me to the dalek homeworld" and the doctor is like okay, let's go,
so now the team is Original Cast + two archeologists + bad dalek
the doctor says "i tricked you, i actually took you to the sun. and i'm going to use the vacuum tunnel to pull the dalek right off of bad dad and suck you into the sun"
and the dalek says "no, my grip is too strong, i'm going to take bad dad with me"
and then bad dad's son is like "no dad, i forgive you and i love you"
and bad dad is like "guu willpower!" and the dalek is nooo curses foiled by the power of love!!!
and the dalek dies

Whimbrel02/02/2019
Doctor: "Oh, oops, I threw your dad into the sun. I hope that's ok with you?"

Timu02/02/2019
and then doctor is like "cool! hey good dad, you were the one who came up with the microwave idea and you also almost died. wanna join the team permanently?" and good dad says "no, they aren't paying me for any more episodes in the season. er. i mean, no i uh, gotta sell microwaves or some bullshit reason."
archeologists: "oo- we would like to come wi-"

Whimbrel02/02/2019
"NOT YOU"
also, quick question
we were very curious to know
how an order that consists of two people and their direct descendants
and also some other guy who died
and hang out in the middle of absolutely nowhere
when did they write this huge book?
more to the point
WHY did they write this huge book?
wasn't it a secret?

Timu02/02/2019
tardis flies away
archeologists: "aw."
doctor: "well alright i guess that wraps this up, see yaaaa"

we were joking that one of the ancestors were like "i should write a book in case i die before i have children" and then they went on vacation and then came back and were like "ah crap i left my book in the airport bathroom"

Villain: Boy Scout Dalek. The writers were like, oh, oh fuck oh shit. the years almost over and there hasn't been a single damn dalek in the entire run of doctor who in 2018. quick!!! hurry! put together any bullshit, NOW we gotta get a dalek in NOW NOW HURRY, just a two second cameo like in 2017 would be good enough, hurry before-
the clock hits new years 2019
AHHHHHHHHFHGGHHASADAGGHGHG
dalek bursts in LOOKS LIKE I GOT A WHOLE YEAR TO MAKE UP FOR!!! WHO'S READY FOR ANOTHER SILLY EPISODE FEATURING ME, BOY SCOUT DALEK!!!!

Death Toll: (1) knight guy, (2) police guys, (1) illuminati guys, (1) blacksmith guy, (like fifty) army guys, (1) wifi guy, (1) microwave
Birth Rate: no
overall mortality rate: like, 57
moral of the story: it's okay to touch weird slimy monsters you find in the sewers if you wear disposable nitrile gloves.
overall rating: 2019/10