Buttshit Mastermind??????????????

> Wonder about SPACE POLITICS.

What's there to wonder about? POLITICS is simple and straightforward in the SPACE KINGDOM, just like it is literally everywhere else. Or at least it is to YOU, being a MASTERMIND and all. Hence the title.

The SPACE KING is a figurehead who goes around to OTHER KINGDOMS and tries to make friends. Also, universally, all of a KINGDOM'S TOWNS and CITIES are named after him due to TRADITIONS.

The current SPACE KING'S name is MANFRED VON ASS, a good friend of yours. When he was crowned, all SPACE KINGDOM settlements had to change their names to honor HIS MAJESTY, such as ASSBURG, or ASSTROPOLIS, or ASSHAMPTONSHIRE. Incidentally, ASSHAMPTONSHIRE is where you were born. It used to be named something much worse.

The SPACE PRESIDENT controls the SPACE MILITARY and manages FOREIGN POLICIES, and the SPACE PRIME MINISTER works with the SPACE CAUCUS to pass BILLS and allocate RESOURCES. Of course, all decisions made by the SPACE PRESIDENT and SPACE PRIME MINISTER must pass by the SPACE KING, who can VETO anything he wants to.

So it's like a... DEMOCRATIC MONARCHY? Who knows, more importantly, WHO CARES? You've been EXILED! Can't even go into a SPACEDONALD'S anymore! Sucks!

> Call insurance provider.

You're gonna give those dangle-mouthed fungus-hoarders down at SHITHOLE INSURANCE a piece of your MASTERMIND.

You lost your arms in THE GREAT ASSBATTLE OF ASSDALE, wherein you defended the SPACE KING from the dread armies of the TIME EMPIRE, the SPACE KINGDOM'S MORTAL ENEMIES. You went toe to toe with the TIME EMPEROR itself, and then it had to go and shoot its stupid TIME BULLETS and fast-forward your arms into crude oil. You hate the TIME EMPEROR. It can eat a TIME DICK.

So instead you have to open your ASS to pull out a makeshift TENDRIL from the BUTTSHIT SINGULARITY and form a PHONE at the tip. This reduces the DURABILITY of your BUTTSHIT MITIGATION DEVICE by 5%.

Of course, they put you on hold immediately. God almighty. You have half a mind to press the phone to your ASS and BUTTSHIT a COMPUTER VIRUS right into -

Wait are they playing GENESIS? You LOVE GENESIS!

I CAN FEEL IT, COOOOMIN' IN THE AAAIR TONIIIGHT. OH LAAAAWD...