Consistency

LOOK DOWN
LOOK DOWN
SWEET JESUS HEAR MY PRAYER
LOOK DOWN
LOOK DOWN
SWEET JESUS DOESN'T CARE

Perfect! With a song this good, you're sure to win the Sweet Jesus Candy Store's jingle competition! All you have to do is write it down and put it in the entry box...

...in the next five minutes, before the contest closes. And the Sweet Jesus Candy Store is halfway across town! How are you going to handle this?

>Abscond, lightly carrying dust.

Yeah, you can't stay here too long. Security's going to be here any minute, and they're probably not going to understand what you're doing rummaging through Tinkerbell's desk.

You grab the bag of pixie dust and sprinkle some on yourself before leaping out the window. You're going to fly away!

Except it doesn't seem to be working. Either your thoughts aren't happy enough, or you grabbed the wrong bag of dust. How are you going to get out of this mess?

What is it all worth in the end?

Fifteen goddamn cents, that's what.

You dedicated your whole life to painstakingly appraising everything in the world to assess the planet's total value, and then this damn apocalypse struck. Now all your calculations are no good. You just had two or three countries left to go!

You were the best appraiser. You're still the best goddamn appraiser on this whole goddamn planet. But what good is that if there's nothing on this rock worth appraising? What can you even do with your talent now?

> Prepare to pump out the jams as you slide the cassette into that sweet, sexy place carved out just for it. Put the left earbud into your left ear, then your right earbud into your right ear.

Yeah, tonight's gonna be good. Real good.

They called you crazy for making two gigantic slices of bread and then carving in a cassette-shaped indentation in one of them, and for building this excessively-intricate jam factory, but you'll show them now. You just need to plug your headphones into the communications system so your assistant can tell you when to start the jam pumps.

You put the earbuds into your ears and... You don't hear anything. Not even static. There must be something wrong with the system somewhere.

Goddamn it, you are not going to let tonight be ruined by a goddamn mechanical failure! You are going to fix this and you are going to pump those jams tonight!

But how are you going to do that?

> Put your light earbud into your light year.

Yes, that should be a good test for the new time machine. You check your diary for a year when you weren't that busy, then you place your miniaturized earbud into the transport chamber and set the temporal coordinates.

You are now you, only several years in the past. You don't have a lot going on right now.

Suddenly, a strange portal opens! Just as suddenly, it closes. You walk over to take a closer look, and hear a strange crunching noise.

Well, doesn't look like anything interesting really happened. Just like the rest of this year so far. Sure, you're not busy, but you don't really know what to do with yourself either.

So how are you going to stay occupied?

> Put your center earbud into your center ear.

Yes. The Center always has your best Center interests at Center heart, obviously you'll obey their Center instructions. You place your Center earbud into your Center ear, and enjoy the Center music as it flows through your Center mind.

Soon enough, you feel relaxed. Your Center energy is returning, and you get up from your Center chair, ready to get to Center work. What Center task is the first on your Center schedule?

hack his face

Now that's the perfect prank. You take out your computer and soon enough, you have access to your school's holographic instructor imaging program. You can make his face look like anything you want.

So what will you change his face into?

face his hack

Damn straight. Big Johnny's got to have someone pumping out all these terrible books for him, and if you confront that sucker, you'll take the air out of the whole operation.

Thing is, where are you going to start looking? You could hit the streets and hope you stumble onto the bastard, but Big Johnny's boys will be looking for you. The other thing you could do is try to read the books and get some actual clue to their author's identity - of course, that would mean actually reading the books.

So what's it gonna be? You gonna take your chances with the thugs, or hit the books? Either way, you're in for a rough night.

Quick, before it's too late, tell him to never mind the

"Never mind the?" he asks, a moment before his finger hits the typewriter. "I don't understand, Mr. Big Johnny."

You explain to your resident author that your business model doesn't have room for definite articles. "A" is two letters shorter and saves on time and ink. You then remind him who's paying his salary and making him the top-selling author in town.

"All right, no definite articles," he sighs. "Are there any other rules I should know before I start the next book?"

Damn straight there are, just as soon as you think of them. What are you going to tell him?

Arm me with harmony

Yes, this is a good Center slogan for the Center army... wait, you forgot some important Center words.

"Arm Center me with Center harmony." Perfect. This is your best Center work yet.

But the Center competition is ending in five Center minutes, and the Sweet Jesus Candy Center Shop is halfway across Center Town. How will you submit your Center entry in Center time?

You wake up and find yourself in a room. You do not remember who you are. There is a door to your left; it is locked.

What will you do?

Yes! This should be a good start to your new book. And there aren't even any definite articles in it, so Big Johnny should stop breathing down your neck.

Now all you need to do is... wait. Wait. Wait.

Dammit, it's been done before!

Well, now you need a new idea for a book, and fast. Big Johnny doesn't like to be kept waiting. What are you going to do?

My bell, I got the

You shout out the window to My Bell, Private Eye, that you've found Big Johnny's weakness: definite articles. Unfortunately, he isn't around, and you've just drawn the attention of the thug watching your room.

You're not very good at this whole informant thing, really. That's probably why Big Johnny locked you in here under guard, come to think of it.

But you can worry about that later. What are you going to do about this jerk barging into your room asking what the hell you're doing?