RE: Energy Drinks Thread
12-14-2017, 08:36 PM
Hot on the heels of Schazer's latest inspiring report, here's SeaWyrm grabbing the mic to present his own very first installment in
ILL-ADVISED ENERGY DRINK REVIEWS 
What I have for you today, coming to us all the way from my very own hometown of Denver, Colorado, is:
![[Image: bingcpic2.jpg]](https://www.deepwatercreations.com/RandomJunk/bingcpic2.jpg)
[reflective=1000000]Bing Crisp[/reflective]
Made with apple AND cherry juice, for twice the juiceness. Let's decant a can and see how it looks:
*KA-chkkk!*
(Real apple provided for reference.)
Colored a charming shade of Traditional Champagne Gold tinted with Standing Chemical Waste Red, this beverage entices the viewer to consider the benefits of sipping gently from a puddle on the ground in some abandoned industrial park. Just like a real apple, the drink is highly carbonated.
As every true conoisseur knows, our next stop after inspecting the visuals should always be the Nutrition Facts™ and "ingredient" list, so let's take a gander and see what we find:
Thanks to the demon-magic that is sucralose, this entire can is a mere 30 calories + 8 grams of sugar. 8 grams of sugar? What a cop-out! Gonna have to dock it some points just for that. Besides, sucralose is for chumps. (Everyone knows erythritol is where it's at.)
Weirdly enough, Bing Crisp also boasts 100% vitamin C, alongside a couple of other vitamins, which arguably means it's... actually sort of healthy in a way? Blasphemy!
But how does it taste?
*sip*
The first impression is that I've taken a sip of good old-fashioned apple juice. There's a vague and familiar sensation of smoothness, wetness, thin froth, and sugary acidity. But then, just when I expect to taste the actual apple juice flavor, nothing happens.
A moment later, I'm caught totally off-guard by the sudden taste of "apples", which is to say the taste of batteries, but watered-down. There is also a hint of "cherries" tuned way low in the mix - just present enough so you can find it if you're looking for it, like the sports team mascot that followed your car home after the game and now lurks somewhere in the bushes behind your back porch.
Don't get me wrong, both fruit flavors are in the beverage for real, but presenting as their punkest selves: They refuse to be a part of your corrupt system and are outta here at their earliest convenience. Meanwhile, the gutters run thick with the sharp, gritty tang of "energy"-themed food-adjacent chemicals. By the time the fluid reaches the back of your throat, the facade of fruit juice has been ripped well asunder, and the acid-scarred visage of the creature stands revealed. Or to put it another way, the fruit and energy drink flavors mix about as well as the metaphors in this paragraph.
Aftertaste, on a lighter note, is minimal, and mostly just tastes of lingering, semi-artificial sweetness.
Okay, I have to admit, this stuff actually isn't so bad. If you don't pay too much attention to it, it's quite drinkable. Given my lamentable dietary choices, it's also currently the main thing standing between me and scurvy, so that's nice.
At 100mg caffeine, it's energizing without being overwhelming - a good morning pep-up. I like to drink it alongside my breakfast cereal.
RATING: 4/10 - IT CAN'T HIDE ITS TRUE NATURE, BUT IT TRIES VERY HARD
Final thought:
Is it just me, or is there something horribly perverse about making a cherry-themed beverage, and then making it taste like apples? They should get their story straight, is all I'm sayin'.
ILL-ADVISED ENERGY DRINK REVIEWS What I have for you today, coming to us all the way from my very own hometown of Denver, Colorado, is:
[reflective=1000000]Bing Crisp[/reflective]
Made with apple AND cherry juice, for twice the juiceness. Let's decant a can and see how it looks:
*KA-chkkk!*
Spoiler
![[Image: bingcpic.jpg]](https://www.deepwatercreations.com/RandomJunk/bingcpic.jpg)
Colored a charming shade of Traditional Champagne Gold tinted with Standing Chemical Waste Red, this beverage entices the viewer to consider the benefits of sipping gently from a puddle on the ground in some abandoned industrial park. Just like a real apple, the drink is highly carbonated.
As every true conoisseur knows, our next stop after inspecting the visuals should always be the Nutrition Facts™ and "ingredient" list, so let's take a gander and see what we find:
Thanks to the demon-magic that is sucralose, this entire can is a mere 30 calories + 8 grams of sugar. 8 grams of sugar? What a cop-out! Gonna have to dock it some points just for that. Besides, sucralose is for chumps. (Everyone knows erythritol is where it's at.)
Weirdly enough, Bing Crisp also boasts 100% vitamin C, alongside a couple of other vitamins, which arguably means it's... actually sort of healthy in a way? Blasphemy!
But how does it taste?
*sip*
The first impression is that I've taken a sip of good old-fashioned apple juice. There's a vague and familiar sensation of smoothness, wetness, thin froth, and sugary acidity. But then, just when I expect to taste the actual apple juice flavor, nothing happens.
A moment later, I'm caught totally off-guard by the sudden taste of "apples", which is to say the taste of batteries, but watered-down. There is also a hint of "cherries" tuned way low in the mix - just present enough so you can find it if you're looking for it, like the sports team mascot that followed your car home after the game and now lurks somewhere in the bushes behind your back porch.
Don't get me wrong, both fruit flavors are in the beverage for real, but presenting as their punkest selves: They refuse to be a part of your corrupt system and are outta here at their earliest convenience. Meanwhile, the gutters run thick with the sharp, gritty tang of "energy"-themed food-adjacent chemicals. By the time the fluid reaches the back of your throat, the facade of fruit juice has been ripped well asunder, and the acid-scarred visage of the creature stands revealed. Or to put it another way, the fruit and energy drink flavors mix about as well as the metaphors in this paragraph.
Aftertaste, on a lighter note, is minimal, and mostly just tastes of lingering, semi-artificial sweetness.
Okay, I have to admit, this stuff actually isn't so bad. If you don't pay too much attention to it, it's quite drinkable. Given my lamentable dietary choices, it's also currently the main thing standing between me and scurvy, so that's nice.
At 100mg caffeine, it's energizing without being overwhelming - a good morning pep-up. I like to drink it alongside my breakfast cereal.
RATING: 4/10 - IT CAN'T HIDE ITS TRUE NATURE, BUT IT TRIES VERY HARD
Final thought:
Is it just me, or is there something horribly perverse about making a cherry-themed beverage, and then making it taste like apples? They should get their story straight, is all I'm sayin'.