Write-Off! (NEW VARIATION? Taking signups!)

So I'm bringing up this thread because MrGuy and I just did one of these. Here's what we were working with!

Characters, by Pharmacy:

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Spoiler

Setting, by Agent:

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Spoiler Setting: FORWARD BASE

An abandoned military base, which has been resettled and expanded into a proper city by pioneers following a global pandemic. Civilization, once decimated, has come a long way reforming, and many aspects of life as we know it have returned - but the streets are still much emptier than they used to be, as is the world.

The city does have an ostensible quasi-military governance owing to its nature and history, not to mention the extensive armories, but without the manpower law enforcement is minimal and usually left to the citizens. It's a cowboy town, all right.

Plot, by Pick Yer Poison:

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Spoiler
<PickYerPoison> A and B are in a sports competition, and have always tied for first place. C enters and threatens to upset this balance, so A and B band together to sabotage C so that they can stay fighting each other.
<PickYerPoison> at the end, when all the sabotage attempts have failed, C explains that they're actually a fusion of A and B from another universe, which is why they're the perfect counter
<PickYerPoison> and then A, B, and C have a highly illegal three way sports match, winner take all
<PickYerPoison> A and B both gang up on C, then surrender to each other, laughing as they walk out, sharing the trophy

MrGuy's story:

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Spoiler
The crowd cheered as the man in the general's uniform stepped up to the microphone. "We're almost at the end here, folks! Facing off for the third year in a row, LET'S HEAR IT FOR OUR FINAL CONTESTANTS! In the blue corner, weighing in at one hundred forty eight pounds, STEEEEVE!"

The lawmage rolled his eyes and sauntered forward, lazily adjusting his conical hat. Inwardly, he was brimming with rage and determination, as well as more than a bit of anxiety, and he clutched his tome tightly; but, well-versed in keeping up appearances, he effortlessly presented a cool facade as he stepped into the hexagonal arena.

"And in the orange corner, at one hundred seventy three pounds, Nessie!" The cheers promptly got much louder as the young lady whipped her red hair back, laughing. She quickly ran up to the center line and, after tossing down a gauntlet, extended her now bare hand in greeting. Steve sighed, but responded with a firm handshake, as his old Master had always taught him to.

The General stepped out of the hexagon, still holding the microphone. "As always, the rules are streamlined for the finals! One round, no time limit! Hit the floor for ten seconds, you lose; first to three points wins!" At this, Nessie double-checked the straps on her armor before nodding cheerfully. "On your marks... get set... GO!"

Quickly, the girl unsheathed her cutlasses, while the lawmage shot up into the air and threw contracts at her. Effortlessly, Nessie shredded all but one, in which she agreed to keep within the inner boundaries if Steve would stop that stupid flying around garbage; this she grabbed out of the air, and it quickly burned up as Steve dropped back to the ground.

The two began circling each other, Steve's eyes burning with determination while Nessie simply grinned back. Occasionally, he'd launch a subpoena or she'd suddenly lunge, but they both knew what they were really doing: biding their time until the ball entered play.

After the standard 90 seconds passed, The General tossed the ball towards the center of the hexagon; but what was unexpected was that, as the two jumped for the ball, Nessie would be knocked to the ground by a sharpened paintbrush, allowing Steve to easily take possession.

Almost instantly, everyone's gaze turned to where the projectile had come from - just on the edge of the playing field, there stood a fellow clad in home-made ninja garb and armor made of sketchpads. The General was outraged. "YOU! I don't know who you are, but-"

The interloper quickly cut him off. "There shall be no interference, on the part of spectators, with the match. But, my friend, I think you'll find that has not occurred." He gave a slight bow, and Steve - irritated by the ninja's disruption of play - growled and cast a Punishment of Flagrant Violation upon him. But where normally, golden chains should have brought him down to the ground, they instead fell apart at the ninja's wrists; he gave a slight chuckle, and revealed the abnormal width of the links.

Both combatants were taken aback, even as Nessie dusted herself off. A loophole? But that rule was- They were unable to finish this thought, however, before Steve found himself charging towards the opposite edge of the playfield and leaping towards the net. The ninja shouted, "should the contestant with the ball fail to act for ten seconds, they shall forfeit a point! And I won't let that happen!"

Steve growled, and quickly tossed the ball down to Nessie. "Can't call that 'failure to act', friend." The pirate-paladin looked back and forth, unsure what to do; eventually, the ninja decided for her by tossing a smoke bomb at her feet; she leapt out of the way and towards the net on Steve's end, just managing to stop herself from stepping outside the smaller chalk hexagon.

If he's over there, I could make the shot... She hesitated a bit too long, though, and her opportunity was lost. Irrelevant, she decided; if she was to best her rival, it had to be fair or it wouldn't be any fun. She turned to the ninja, tossing the ball back to the lawmage. "Alright, you! Get ready for some smiting!" She whipped out her magic revolver and began firing at the interloper, who dodged without even one of his expertly-groomed hairs falling out of place, at which point he retaliated with a series of fireballs.

The General and the crowd were both getting flustered and yelling about Rule Four, but Steve silenced them by shouting back "Firearms against the other contestant, morons! Doesn't say anything about the ball or cheating assholes!" The ninja quickly countered that he had been proven not to be cheating per se, at which point the lawmage flipped him off with one hand and used the other to weave a cage of the finest print around him. Unfortunately, he had failed to account for Roger's art skills, and he quickly escaped by caricaturing the pair and claiming fair use.

"I've had enough of this!" the ninja shouted; and in the blink of an eye, just as Steve tossed the ball back to Nessie, he whipped out a harpoon gun and fired at the ball. Then, dashing towards the arena, he reeled the ball in so it met him just at the edge of the hexagon, at which point he leapt towards the lady's net and dunked.

There was quite a bit of murmuring before The General finally said, with considerable trepidation, "Uh... I have d-decided that shall count, by virtue of not wanting to be stabbed with a poison needle." A loud "ding!" emanated from the scoreboard, which now read "Nessie: 0 - Steve: 1"

Steve stared in outrage, muttering a string of curses and legalese; Nessie was furious enough to be on the verge of tears; and Roger just laughed and tossed the ball back to the man nominally running the show. "A wise call, fellow. And I must say-" He quickly dodged several sword slashes and a briefcase, before hopping outside the arena's outlines and laughing. "Come on, now. My employers and I don't have all day."

Nessie screamed at him. "You're trying to fix this match, aren't you, you piece of shit? Well you're going to cut it out this instant[/b!]" With a tremendous battle cry, she scraped one sword across another, shooting tremendous waves of holy energy at the ninja; but these his makeshift armor absorbed, much to everyone's shock. "H-how?.."

Roger chuckled again, tearing out a slightly damaged sketch of town hall and calmly replacing it with a drawing of some flowers. "I suppose I'll tell you pathetic fools. I come from a timeline in which the Gemini Project was a success. I'm the combination of both of you, and far better than either of you individually, so you'll just have to-"

At this, Steve burst out laughing for several seconds, before doubling over to catch his breath. Finally, he stood tall. "So you could interfere with the match because you were technically entered in it, right. But..." He grinned so widely he looked almost psychotic, and pushed up his hat so Roger could see his gleaming eyes. "You exited the boundaries of the arena multiple times, and, I should note, [b]attempted to throw the match!"

Roger was taken aback. "N-no, but... oh Lord... h-how is that possible?" He raised a slightly trembling hand to his cheek. "So obvious, and yet I overlooked it... and yet he, of all people-"

"And as such," Roger shouted, his voice positively dripping with smugness, "under section VII-B-8 of the official Vagueball rulebook, I challenge you and my current opponent to a game of three-man all-or-nothing no-teams knockout Vagueball! Winner gets the title and the trophy!"

The crowd went silent as The General screamed desperately. "No, no, no! You know all too well that three-man matches are strictly prohibited by law, Steve!"

Nessie wiped away her tears and looked him in the eye. "You have fun enforcing that, but the fact is, it's still in the rulebook. And if he plays by the rules, his powers still work. Right?" She winked at Steve, who smiled back and nodded as he hastily conjured a third net. "Now then, ninja-boy. Hit me with your best shot."

Roger growled, practically frothing at the mouth. "My employers would have ensured a lifetime of relaxation, and you idiots took them away! I despise you!" He charged the paladin-pirate, only to find himself brought to the ground by Steve's chains.

"Nuh-uh, pal. Time-out's not officially over yet." He pointed at The General and whistled. "The ball, if you please?" He sighed and complied; it's not as if this match was suddenly going to get any less ridiculous. As soon as he'd done so, the chains around Roger began to dissolve; but just as quickly, Nessie body-slammed him, pinning him to the ground. The ninja desperately attempted to wriggle free, but the lawmage took the opportunity to throw a barrage of extremely biased contracts at him; and, though the exertion left Steve barely able to stand, it also meant that Roger was effectively unable to move more than five feet in any direction, nor could he jump. For all intents and purposes, he was out of the match; and, stunned by how utterly he had screwed up, he went all but catatonic.

Steve quickly scored a point, unchallenged by Nessie; then, he happily tossed her the ball, and she did the same. They repeated this, then simply stared and laughed at Roger, who blinked back at them. "Huh? What's so hilarious?"

After a long pause, The General cleared his throat. "...The ninja has failed to act for ten seconds, and as such, both his opponents are at three points. He has lost, and whichever of them scores the tie-breaking point shall be the champion."

The original two contestants laughed even harder, while the ninja first screamed, then broke down sobbing; eventually, he had to be dragged away. Finally, Steve and Nessie looked each other in the eye, the latter breaking the silence. "He deserved to win, all things considered. Don't you agree?"

The lawmage nodded slowly. "Yes, I'd say so. Count of three?" After the pirate-paladin smiled and winked, the two shook hands once more. Finally, Steve stood tall. "One... two... three!" And in unison, the two shouted "I FORFEIT!"

The crowd was entirely silent; The General was reduced to incoherent sputtering, as the pair locked arms and traipsed up to his podium, Steve yanking the trophy away. "Seeing as the rules state not that the person forfeiting loses, but rather that their opponent wins... I suppose we'll be sharing this, won't we?" Nessie laughed and gave him a quick peck on the cheek, and the two left the arena to a tremendous chorus comprised half of hearty cheers, and half of furious booing. They didn't much care, really; they had what really mattered: friendship.

And also a shiny object and the knowledge that an asshole didn't have the same.

My story:

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Spoiler
The world had been ravaged by disease and war. In the wake of this devastation, an old military facility had been converted into the town of Forward Base.
It was a small town, but all towns were in this bleak new world. But Forward Base was probably the best-known, for one simple reason.
Tankball.
The base still had quite a bit of military hardware, and a bored populace had converted it into sporting equipment. And the Tankball Championship was the most popular major sporting event in the world, mostly because it was now the only one.
Every month, the Tankball Championship had ended in a tie between two great players: Steve the Lawmage and Nessie the Paladin-Pirate.
Steve's specialty was making use of the rules. Tankball was a complex game, after all, and most of the players didn't understand it fully. But Steve's magic granted him mastery over the law, and rules were a subset of that. He generally managed to win with only a few points by catching the other player on technicalities.
When he had first entered, critics complained he wasn't that good at the game, he was just good at abusing the rules. That talk had stopped after the championship match with Nessie.
It had become clear early in the match that his usual tactics wouldn't work; Nessie's instincts as a Paladin told her when she might be breaking the rules, and her Pirate training taught her how to make the most of opportunities. By halftime, the score was 14-8 in her favor.
But Steve was undeterred. The first half had taught him much about her playstyle.
In the second half, he revealed just how good he really was. He matched Nessie move for move, and surprised her more than a few times. The game ended in a 20-20 tie.
Ever since then, the championships had gone the same way: Steve and Nessie battled their way to the finals, and fought to a draw. It had gotten to the point where all the oddsmakers only bothered offering bets on who would win the consolation match for third place.
And so no one thought it odd when Roger the Ninja-Artist marched into town, swearing he'd be the one to dethrone the champions. He wasn't the first stranger to make that challenge, he wouldn't be the last.

Nobody even thought much of it when Roger demolished Lancifer Blang, last month's third-place champion, in his first match; the bookies grumbled, and the audience booed, but everyone figured it was a fluke, and even if it wasn't, Roger wouldn't get higher than third.

Everyone, that is, except Steve and Nessie. They were worried, and were discussing the matter over lunch.
"He scored on the triple-bounce rule," Steve muttered. "That's the rule I scored my first point on. And he scored it in exactly the same way! He's been studying me, I swear it!"
"Not just you, matey," Nessie noted. "He used me reverse double-cross gambit, too! That's one of me best moves."
"And he's good," Steve continued. "We've seen copycats before, but they've never fully understood our techniques. Why, many of our tricks remain puzzling even to each other, even after all these championship matches."
"Aye, ye be a tough nut to crack, it be true," Nessie acknowledged. "But this upstart landlubber's got a knack for our tricks. To say nothin' of his own!"
Steve nodded.
"I can't speak for his artistic taste, but he certainly knows how to use it in a match. That graffiti on Lancifer's tank was, without a doubt, the work of a true master."
"And it be totally legal, at that."
"Indeed. He's skilled, so skilled that only players at our level can see it. I fear he may even disrupt our rivalry - and that would be bad for our merchandising operations."
"So ye want him out of the way before then, aye?"
Steve smirked.
"This is why you're the only opponent worth my time, Nessie."
"Of course, ye realize, sabotage be against the rules. Ye wouldn't ask a paladin-pirate to break the rules, would ye?"
"Never. Merely to bend them."
They laughed, unaware that Roger was watching their whole conversation from the shadows.

Nessie and Steve had different approaches to sabotage. Nessie's method was to look for loopholes.
It was against the rules, for instance, to replace someone's tank fuel with sugar water, and Nessie had no plans to do any such thing. On the other hand, there was no rule against having a stern conversation with Seamus "Shameless" McCheaterson about the rules and being very specific about which rules he shouldn't break.
"McCheaterson, ye scurvy barnacle!" she shouted at him. "I'm amazed they still let ye play this game."
"I don't know what you're talking about, Miss Nessie," he said slyly. "I've never been caught cheating."
"Aye, because ye be a slippery eel. But I got me eye on ye! Ye'd best hope I don't catch ye switchin' anybody's fuel!"
"Why, Miss Nessie," McCheaterson said innocently. "I'd never do such a thing like that."
"Aye, ye would. Ye wouldn't even spare that newcomer, the Ninja Artist."
"Perish the thought, Miss Nessie! Even if I resorted to such distasteful tactics, I wouldn't want to ruin things for the boy. No, you have nothing to worry about."
"I'd best not!"
McCheaterson grinned as she walked off. She'd given him the most wonderful idea.

Steve, for his part, disliked loopholes. Where the rules were weak, his magic was as well. He prefered to play to his strengths.
That was why he sought to deal with Roger through disqualification. He scoured the rulebooks, looking for the perfect obscure illegal play.
"It has to be something even I wouldn't notice normally," he said to himself. "Otherwise, he's sure to catch on... aha!"
He smiled. Rule 1783, Section 4, Paragraph B. The Queen's Birthday clause.
Normally, it wouldn't apply today; Queen Lisa's birthday was last week. But that was nothing a quick revolution couldn't change. After all, he knew a little girl whose birthday was today, and what better gift than a Revolutionary Starter Kit?

By mid-afternoon, everything was ready. Steve sat down next to Nessie in the stands to watch Roger's match against Seamus "Shameless" McCheaterson.
"There be less of a crowd than an hour ago," Nessie noted.
"Oh, they're probably involved in the revolution. I look forward to the coming reign of Queen Julie."
"A revolution?" Nessie said, shocked. "Shiver me timbers, I missed it! Arr, if not for the championship, I'd be fightin' in and suppressin' that right now!"
"Now, now, I'm sure you can start a revolution to restore the throne afterwards," Steve said calmly. "Or claim it for yourself, I suppose. The important thing is that it will be the Queen's birthday."
Nessie stared at him, puzzled.
"The what?"
"Rule 1783, Section 4, Paragraph B: A player who scores more than eight points on the Queen's Birthday will be disqualified. There's no way he'll be prepared for that rule."
Nessie giggled.
"So we be covered if he gets more 'n eight points. Assumin' he gets that high with sugar water in his tank."
Steve smirked.
"So as long as McCheaterson doesn't go over - unlikely, given he's never gotten more than five points no matter how much he cheats - we've got nothing to worry about."

The game began. Roger's tank soon started making odd noises, but it still lurched forward onto the field. McCheaterson poked his head out of his tank and sneered.
"You sure you want to try me in that old clunker?"
Roger said nothing. He simply fired a ball at McCheaterson, striking him in the face.
"One point to Roger!" the ref shouted. The match had started.

It soon became clear just how incompetent McCheaterson was - the score was soon seven to zero, in Roger's favor.
Then Roger simply stopped his tank and got out. He began drawing on his own tank.
"What's he doing?" Steve asked, puzzled.
"Yar, I'll take a closer look," Nessie said, pulling out a telescope. She gasped.
"What, what is it?"
Wordlessly, Nessie handed the telescope to Steve. He glanced at Steve's drawing.
It was a picture of a familiar little girl. Underneath it, Roger had crudely written "LONG LIVE QUEEN JULIE".
"He knew about the revolution!" Steve said incredulously. "And the gas didn't even slow him down."
"That scoundrel!" Nessie declared. "Arr, we'll be needing to step up our game."
"Indeed you will," Roger said, suddenly appearing behind them. "I'm almost disappointed you couldn't come up with anything better, but the substantial prize money will make up for that."
"What are ye doin' here, ye filthy bilge-rat?" Nessie said, holding a rapier to his throat. Roger simply smirked.
"I thought it would only be polite to have some words with you before I humiliate you both. You see, you have no hope of defeating me."
"That's what Lancifer Blang said a month ago," Steve said, though he was more nervous than he'd care to admit. "Who are you to think you can do any better?"
Roger laughed.
"Who am I? Only the most perfect Tankball player that ever lived."
"That be a load of barnacle droppings, matey! No player's a match for me, except for Steve."
"And no player can navigate through the rules as well as I, save for Nessie!"
Roger laughed harder.
"You don't know how right you are," he said. "For you see, I am both of you. In my home universe, we created the technology to fuse two people into one, and used it to combine you two into the ultimate Tankball player. And now, I'm crossing into every other universe that has a Tankball championship, so I can claim the prize money from them all!"
Steve and Nessie gasped.
"Impossible!" Steve declared. "How do a law mage and a paladin-pirate combine into a money-grubbing ninja artist?"
"Don't ask me, technology's not my strong suit. Of course, if you really wanted me out of your way, I do have my price..."
"Never, ye filthy half-landlubber! I'll take ye on right here, right now!"
"Not before I do!" Steve declared.
Roger laughed.
"How about we make this a little more interesting? You both want to win the championship trophy, right? Outright win it, not just share it again. I know you do, I'm both of you."
They both silently glared at him.
"So here's my offer. Three-way match for the championship. Winner take all."
"But that... that's against the rules!" Steve gasped.
"Aye! They'd keelhaul us!"
"Not if Queen Julie authorized a rule change, I should think," Roger laughed. "I believe she owes you a favor."
Steve grumbled.
"She... might."
"Excellent. We'll arrange it for tomorrow - the audience will want to see some high scores, after all. That should be plenty of time for us to kick the other losers out of this competition." He paused. "Speaking of which, I've got a match to finish. If I stay here, McCheaterson might actually get a whole point."

"Ladies and gentlemen of Forward Base!" Queen Julie announced. "This month's championship, we'll be trying something a little different. A three-way match!"
A nervous rumbling went through the crowd.
"Our champions, Steve and Nessie, will be two of the competitors, of course. And the third will be Roger, who trounced all of his opponents!"
The trio wheeled their tanks out, Roger's still sputtering.
"He's actually still running on the sugar water?" Steve asked.
"Arr! He just be trying to show off now," Nessie muttered.
"Actually, it's a lot cheaper than regular tank fuel," Roger replied. "And it serves my purposes just as well. Ready to lose?"
"No," Steve said, smirking. "But I'm ready to win."
"Arr! I be even readier, matey!"
"Let the game begin!" Queen Julie declared.

The match began in earnest, as Roger fired two volleys of volleyballs at both his opponents. Steve drove his tank artfully around them, trying to use his magic to lure them out of bounds so Roger would claim a penalty. But they stayed within; Roger had foreseen that, after all.
Nessie, for her part, was simply firing back with footballs, knocking Roger's aside. This only increased the chaotic nature of the battlefield, but that was where Nessie was most comfortable.
It was another matter for Steve. Nessie's shots had made it far more difficult for him to dodge, and his tank was struck a dozen times before he regained his bearings. Worse, two-thirds of those strikes had been from Roger; the score was 8-4-0.
And then Steve realized what to do.
"Nessie!" he shouted. "Ignore him! This match is between you and me!"
"Arr! I be happy to crush ye any time, but this upstart needs a good whippin'!"
"No, don't you see?" Steve laughed, firing a barrage of water balloons at Nessie's tank. "What matters is the final score! And a point is a point, whether it's on you or on Roger!"
Nessie roared with laughter.
"Why, ye be right! And there be no rule against us hittin' each other, arr!"
They turned their tanks towards each other, firing rapidly and only pausing to knock Roger's shots aside. When the match finally ended, the score was 120-120-17, with Roger distantly trailing.

"Once again, the champions are Steve and Nessie!" Queen Julie declared, presenting them with the trophy. "Congratulations to both of you!"
Roger simply grumbled.
"I can't believe it!" he shouted. "I was a perfect match for both of your skills!"
"Yes, you might have beaten us if we were working together," Steve admitted. "But you were no match for the ferocity of our rivalry!"
"Arr, that be right!" Nessie declared. "When we set our sights against each other, there be nothin' we can't do!"
Roger simply stormed off.
"I guess I'll just have to win another universe's Tankball championship," he grumbled. "But I'll be back! That prize money will be mine next month!"
"Just you wait until next month, Nessie!" Steve declared, waving his fist. "I'll come out the winner!"
"Nay, Steve! I'll squash ye beneath me boots, yar!"
"Truly, their fierce commitment to utterly crushing each other in the Tankball arena is an inspiration to us all!" Queen Julie declared. "Oh, which reminds me, I have a counterrevolution to quash."
"Good luck!" Steve said. "If you see Ex-Queen Lisa, tell her it was nothing personal. I just wanted to give you a nice birthday present."
"Yarr! Wait fer me, Yer Highness! If there be one thing I enjoys more than a good rebellion, it be quashing a good rebellion!"
"You know, I've never actually taken part in one of these before. I've only instigated them. I should try it for once!"
"Yar! Ye'll be no match for a paladin-pirate on either side of a revolution, Steve!"
"We'll see about that!"
And so they ran off to the revolution, laughing heartily the whole way.