Consistency

do the steve martin. get busy y'all.

After careful consideration, you decide to go with a Steve Martin hairdo, and tell your barber as such. He seems skeptical, but you tell him to get busy.

While you wait for him to cut your hair, you can think about where you're going for dinner tonight. Where will it be?

> Barber: Judge.

A Steve Martin hairdo? What is this guy's problem? You're judging him SO hard here. SO hard.

In fact, you've had it with this barber gig. In frustration, you just hand the scissors to the next customer and tell him to do it before storming out of your shop.

God, why did you ever become a barber? You should take up another line of work. But what?

> Judge: Cut hair.

You stair at the shears just thrust into your hand. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. You were going to get a haircut before the case today, and now the barber's gone.

Worse, checking your watch, you see that it's later than you thought. Opening arguments are in half an hour!

But right now there's a guy impatiently demanding a Steve Martin hairdo, and the next customer is glaring at you to do something about it. He also has a rather imposing bow drawn, with an arrow pointed directly at your head. Actually, two arrows. This guy doesn't mess around.

The case will have to wait, you've got a haircut to deal with. But there's one problem: You don't know what Steve Martin looks like! What are you going to do?

> Arrows: Point.

You're already doing that! And as you've already explained, your name is not "Arrows", it's "Rubin Hoode". Pay attention already!

In any case, your arrow is firmly pointed in the judge's direction, to ensure he finishes this haircut in a timely manner. You've been waiting here for two hours and you're not going to let the barber's abrupt resignation get in your way.

Although, standing like this and holding a bow is rather tiring. You wonder if there's a simpler way to threaten the judge, who sure is taking his sweet time here.

As you reflect on this, you spy a costumed figure out the window. Oh, great. It's that irritating do-gooder, Zach Lantern!

Dammit, your worthless sidekick was supposed to warn you about these sorts of things. You'll have to reprimand him later. But Lantern is your concern right now. If he sees you in here, he's sure to interfere with your plans. (Your plans to get a haircut.) How will you keep him out?

zl';dg

You're totally going to do good! For starters, you're going to point out that the suggester probably meant to use a colon, not a semi-colon. There's no clear reason for that apostrophe, either.

Proper grammar is the first step to justice!

But more to the point, you think you just spotted that bow-wielding freak in the barber shop. He's probably up to no good. Of course, if he spots you, there's no telling what he might do; plus, wherever Arrows is, chances are that weird sidekick of his who keeps changing his name isn't far behind.

You'll have to think about this carefully. How will you thwart Arrows' nefarious scheme?

Czech the Turkey.

Yes! Czech the Turkey! This is the perfect new identity, you can hardly wait to tell your boss about it!

Oh, yeah, your boss. He wanted you to warn him if you saw Jack Plankton or whatever his name is. You glance through your binoculars and...

Oh. Uh. Jack's really close to the barber shop. Warning old Arrows isn't going to be easy. In fact, you might actually be a bit late, what with coming up with a new name, and also that part where you had to hide from the weirdo who owns this store. (Good thing he had to leave to deal with some lawsuit or something, that barrel was damn uncomfortable.)

Anyhow, it may be late, but you're still doing your job! After all, Czech the Turkey's never let his boss down yet! (Even if Disappointment Boy and Failure Kid did.) How are you going to warn him?

[undefined=undefined]

Yes, this is the core of your complaint, you explain to your lawyer. The customer wanted to pay a defined amount of money for an undefined object. Due to the link between your body and your mind, this sustained contradiction caused you great physical injury.

As your unique physiology requires particularly expensive care, which your insurance is unwilling to cover, you find it necessary to seek compensation from the customer in order to pay your bills in a timely manner.

Your lawyer informs you that you probably won't have a case unless you can show that the customer could plausibly have known he was causing injury to you. You must carefully reflect on the day of the incident, and consider the specifics of the situation. What evidence, if any, might have allowed him to come to the conclusion that his own ramblings were the source of your distress?

>Insert the rocks into the laundry chute point-first, then pull the cord.

This is bad. You were supposed to kill the shopkeeper with irrational demands his mind couldn't process, not merely wound him. Not only are you going to miss out on your payment from the Association of Pretentious Assholes and Callous Haters, but you're caught up in a lawsuit!

And if your real identity is outed in the lawsuit, you'll be out of work for ages. So you've only got one chance you can see.

You insert the rocks into the laundry chute point-first, then pull the cord, revealing the entrance to your secret lair. Then you slip into your costume. Since your worthless lawyer's vanished, it looks like you'll need to stage your own kidnapping. Again.

But how? You were nearly caught last time. You can't use the same plan. So what's your tactic this time around?

apach

---

Much as you dislike the thought, you decide to go to APACH HQ and get a copy of your client's contract. You need to know exactly what he was told if you're going to defend him properly.

Of course, if anyone else involved, like the lawyer for the other side, were to find out about this, it could just make your problems worse. But you'll cross that bridge when you come to it.

Right now, though, you've got to cross this bridge. Which is made of acid. And is suspended over a pool of molten lava with electric sharks in it.

So how are you going to do that?

>Insert the rocks into the laundry chute point-first, then pull the cord.

How many times do I have to tell you?! THIS is the laundry chute, and THIS is the incinerator!

Your client seems lost in thought. You decide to check on your files, which you keep in the laundry room for obvious reasons.

As you make your way there, you spot some pointy rocks in a laundry basket. You sigh, and wave your assistant over. Once again, you explain to him the difference between the laundry chute and the incinerator. And once again, he explains that he knows, and he didn't drop the rocks down.

You sigh. If not for the fact that he was an orphan and has nowhere else to go, plus the fact that the fate of the world will rest in his hands one day, you'd fire him for the constant disrespect he shows you. How many times has he dropped rocks in the laundry chute now?

Well, you were clear enough last time that you'd come up with a new punishment for him if it happened again. What's it going to be?

Wherein love is found in unexpected places

Goddamn, why doesn't the boss get it?

You wish you could tell him about how this works. The laundry room and the incinerator are in love. The rocks are gifts from the incinerator to the laundry room. It's so obvious, and yet he'd think you were lying to him even more if you told him.

You're also not sure what the rocks are for, exactly, or why there are so many of them lying around a law office, but you figure the boss would just get mad at you for not already understanding that.

Anyhow, he's going to throw some kind of new punishment at you, not that you intend to stick around long enough to find out what it is. You wish you'd thought of an escape plan for this months ago, but it looks like you need one now. So what are you going to do?