Tatanga vs. Crash Man: Suggestions encouraged! [UPDATE 10/15]

Magikarp, make use of your blistering speed and flop all over Crash Man's face. That'll show him!

Magikarp: use splash. Show Tatanga how useful you really are!

Magikarp, ever the optimist, decides that now is the time to prove, once and for all, to his glorious Team Leader just how great of an Ally he can be! Gathering as much energy into his tiny, squishy body as he can, Magikarp prepares his signature Combat maneuver, Splash. As he flops around on the ground in anticipation, Crash Man and Tatanga look on. The former, with a look of pity; the latter, with derision.

Tantanga, grasp Magikarp in one hand as a floppy shield.

Before Magikarp can complete his glorious Splash Combat maneuver,Tatanga asserts his absolute alliterative authority as Team Leader and performs the Grab Idiot Teammate Interruption maneuver. Interruption maneuvers are superficially similar to Combat maneuvers in their aesthetic, but where Combat maneuvers are all about dishing out pixels, Interruption maneuvers are meant to disrupt or otherwise hinder another combatant’s maneuver. Usually, these maneuvers are used on members of the opposing team, but there’s nothing in the rulebook that says Tatanga can’t use one to restrain a useless Ally from performing an even more useless waste of energy.

Magikarp can only wince in discomfort and disappointment as Tatanga hoists the fish in front of himself, creating an impromptu shield with which to defend against Crash Man.

Crash Man, notice there is a bunk bed and call top bunk.

Crash Man, leave a Standard Bomb on the SS Crashman before calling said top bunk and bolting for it.

Out of both strategic acumen as well as a desire to get away from the awkwardness of having a Team Leader discipline an Ally right in front of him, Crash Man decides he is better suited elsewhere. He remembers spying a bunk bed Barracks upon his cacophonous entrance into Fort Tatanga. The obvious course of action, as anyone who’s ever slept in a bunk bed knows, is to call the top bunk before anyone else can.

Crash Man feels a little bad about just dropping out without leaving a housewarming--er, fortwarming gift, though. As he leaps over to the coveted Barracks, he succesfully deploys a Standard Bomb free of any baby-esque Black Sharpie faces, which lands with a telltale click of activation atop the upturned chassis of the S.S. Crashman. Crash Man then wastes no time in scaling the Barracks, claiming the upper bunk.

This is mostly a superficial claim, as only a fort’s Team Leader can rearrange the status of one’s Barracks. Crash Man would need to perform a successful Hostile Takeover of Fort Tatanga and rechristen it with his own name before he can make any large-scale changes that aren’t just blowing up the place and generally causing damage.

Still, as long as Crash Man sits atop the Barracks, he’s certainly not going to let anybody anywhere near his unofficial territory.

Tatanga, use your other hand to bash Crash Man's face in with your Stone Hammer!

Tatanga would love nothing more than to give Crash Man a heaping helping of the Hammer Time Combat maneuver he so terribly deserves. Unfortunately, two things stand in his way.

One is that Crash Man is now out of melee range, and he’s left behind a Standard Bomb that’s going to severely limit Tatanga's movement options without setting it off. The other is that Tatanga's Stone Hammer is a Two-handed Weapon, and would be impossible to wield without getting rid of Magikarp somehow.

Tatanga tries desperately to think of some sort of underhanded solution that would get rid of both of these issues in one fell swoop...