RE: The Damnable Fisticuffs (Round One: Kingdom of Giam)
12-18-2012, 01:58 AM
It had not been a particularly good day for Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov. First the commander had yelled at him, then the commander had yelled at him again, then the commander had yelled at him again. And then, after the commander had yelled at him again, the entire company had been deposited in a strange place that wasn't Siberia and told they were in a fight to the death.
On reflection, Ivanov realized that had been the high point of the day, right up until the commander yelled at him afterwards.
But now he was on a mission. And he knew that if he failed, the commander would yell at him again. Actually, the commander would probably yell at him even if he succeeded, but that concept was a little too complex for Ivanov's mind to grasp.
Unfortunately, the mission hadn't gone particularly well so far. He hadn't found a base of operations. All he had found was a weird ant thing and Nikanoslav.
Fortunately, Nikanoslav was the one member of the company Ivanov outranked. Which meant he had the authority to yell at him.
"Nikanoslav!" Ivanov shouted. "Explain why you are not with rest of company! And why your bear is in way of mine!"
"Sir!" Nikanoslav saluted sharply. "Commander said find way around tree, sir! So I found way around tree, sir!"
Ivanov had to admit that was a good argument. Still, he wasn't going to pass up a rare chance to yell at a subordinate.
"Yes, Nikanoslav, but why did you not tell rest of company way to go around tree?"
Nikanoslav saluted again, though with much less enthusiasm this time.
"Sir! Could not find way back around tree, sir!"
Comic relief indeed, Harold thought as he watched the exchange. I suppose these two are going to essentially be my sidekicks up until they die in Round Three. Of course, the rest of their company will be horribly killed well before then, probably to establish someone as a villain.
He let the dressing-down continue for a few minutes before stepping in, which was obviously his role in the scene.
"So you've been separated from your company, then?" Harold asked suddenly. He was confident that the argument had gone on long enough to get in all the important lines.
"That is not any of bearded swordsman's business!" Ivanov declared defensively. "I am on important mission from commander because Nikanoslav did not come back!"
"I see. This wouldn't be a secret mission, would it?" Harold asked knowingly. "A very important secret mission?"
Ivanov paused. Had the commander said anything about that? He couldn't remember, and hadn't even thought about it.
But if it was a secret mission, then he had told Nurrkel all about it. Which meant the commander would yell at him when he got back.
In which case he wasn't going to get yelled at more for telling Harold too, he supposed.
"Am looking for base of operations," Ivanov explained. "Company is divided. We find safe place and regroup. You know where one is?"
Harold considered this carefully. His character wouldn't know any specific details of Giam, of course, but he'd have general knowledge to apply here. He looked around the forest for a bit and then pointed in a random direction.
"At a glance, the trees in that direction seem to be somewhat younger than the others," he explained. "This suggests they've been cut down sometime in the last few years, and hence that the locals have only ventured in about this far for lumber. Now, I can't guarantee that there's still a village there, but it's the best place to start looking."
Ivanov smiled widely.
"I thought exact same thing!" he declared. "See, Nikanoslav? This is way to move up in rank."
"Knowing about trees is way to move up in rank?"
"Da."
"But why? There are no trees in Siberia."
"Exactly! So if we found tree in Siberia, whoever knows most about it should be able to take command, da?"
Nikanoslav nodded vigorously.
"I not think of that," he said. "You are smart man, Comrade Ivanov."
"And that is why I outrank you. Now, onward! To the village!"
Satisfied, they rode away on their bears in a completely arbitrary direction. Harold allowed himself the tiniest of chuckles, quiet enough that the camera wouldn't pick it up; he wasn't sure if the focus was going to stay on him, after all, and it wouldn't do to crack up on camera.
I have to give them credit, that's much wittier than anything Pants MacArthur ever said. By God, what an embarassment he was. And he lasted all the way to the sixth round! At least the writers have learned something this time around.
It then struck Harold that he needed something to do; the bears had left the scene, and it was unlikely that another contestant was going to just stumble on him. Of course, there was a good cue to take now.
"I suppose I'd best follow them and see to it they stay out of trouble," Harold said, smiling. He started walking, sure that if this wasn't in the script, one of the other actors would give him a cue about now.
As it turned out, they did. A strange, timid-looking ant creature stepped out of a tree in front of him.
"Pardon me, sir," Shingles said. "Did you call the name of Nurrkel the Fifth?"
"I did," Harold said, raising his sword. "And I swore to destroy that monster."
"But why would you destroy Ver?" Shingles asked, doing ver best to look confused. "And is Ve even here? I would expect Ver to be back on nrkk'V."
Harold was somewhat puzzled by this. He wasn't sure how it fit into the plot at all.
"Are you not Nurrkel the Fifth?" he asked.
"No!" ve declared vehemently. "I am Shingles the Myrrhman. I am a mere v'kkrn. Nurrkel the Fifth is the name of a superior V'kkrn."
I have to admit, I didn't see that one coming, Harold thought.
On reflection, Ivanov realized that had been the high point of the day, right up until the commander yelled at him afterwards.
But now he was on a mission. And he knew that if he failed, the commander would yell at him again. Actually, the commander would probably yell at him even if he succeeded, but that concept was a little too complex for Ivanov's mind to grasp.
Unfortunately, the mission hadn't gone particularly well so far. He hadn't found a base of operations. All he had found was a weird ant thing and Nikanoslav.
Fortunately, Nikanoslav was the one member of the company Ivanov outranked. Which meant he had the authority to yell at him.
"Nikanoslav!" Ivanov shouted. "Explain why you are not with rest of company! And why your bear is in way of mine!"
"Sir!" Nikanoslav saluted sharply. "Commander said find way around tree, sir! So I found way around tree, sir!"
Ivanov had to admit that was a good argument. Still, he wasn't going to pass up a rare chance to yell at a subordinate.
"Yes, Nikanoslav, but why did you not tell rest of company way to go around tree?"
Nikanoslav saluted again, though with much less enthusiasm this time.
"Sir! Could not find way back around tree, sir!"
Comic relief indeed, Harold thought as he watched the exchange. I suppose these two are going to essentially be my sidekicks up until they die in Round Three. Of course, the rest of their company will be horribly killed well before then, probably to establish someone as a villain.
He let the dressing-down continue for a few minutes before stepping in, which was obviously his role in the scene.
"So you've been separated from your company, then?" Harold asked suddenly. He was confident that the argument had gone on long enough to get in all the important lines.
"That is not any of bearded swordsman's business!" Ivanov declared defensively. "I am on important mission from commander because Nikanoslav did not come back!"
"I see. This wouldn't be a secret mission, would it?" Harold asked knowingly. "A very important secret mission?"
Ivanov paused. Had the commander said anything about that? He couldn't remember, and hadn't even thought about it.
But if it was a secret mission, then he had told Nurrkel all about it. Which meant the commander would yell at him when he got back.
In which case he wasn't going to get yelled at more for telling Harold too, he supposed.
"Am looking for base of operations," Ivanov explained. "Company is divided. We find safe place and regroup. You know where one is?"
Harold considered this carefully. His character wouldn't know any specific details of Giam, of course, but he'd have general knowledge to apply here. He looked around the forest for a bit and then pointed in a random direction.
"At a glance, the trees in that direction seem to be somewhat younger than the others," he explained. "This suggests they've been cut down sometime in the last few years, and hence that the locals have only ventured in about this far for lumber. Now, I can't guarantee that there's still a village there, but it's the best place to start looking."
Ivanov smiled widely.
"I thought exact same thing!" he declared. "See, Nikanoslav? This is way to move up in rank."
"Knowing about trees is way to move up in rank?"
"Da."
"But why? There are no trees in Siberia."
"Exactly! So if we found tree in Siberia, whoever knows most about it should be able to take command, da?"
Nikanoslav nodded vigorously.
"I not think of that," he said. "You are smart man, Comrade Ivanov."
"And that is why I outrank you. Now, onward! To the village!"
Satisfied, they rode away on their bears in a completely arbitrary direction. Harold allowed himself the tiniest of chuckles, quiet enough that the camera wouldn't pick it up; he wasn't sure if the focus was going to stay on him, after all, and it wouldn't do to crack up on camera.
I have to give them credit, that's much wittier than anything Pants MacArthur ever said. By God, what an embarassment he was. And he lasted all the way to the sixth round! At least the writers have learned something this time around.
It then struck Harold that he needed something to do; the bears had left the scene, and it was unlikely that another contestant was going to just stumble on him. Of course, there was a good cue to take now.
"I suppose I'd best follow them and see to it they stay out of trouble," Harold said, smiling. He started walking, sure that if this wasn't in the script, one of the other actors would give him a cue about now.
As it turned out, they did. A strange, timid-looking ant creature stepped out of a tree in front of him.
"Pardon me, sir," Shingles said. "Did you call the name of Nurrkel the Fifth?"
"I did," Harold said, raising his sword. "And I swore to destroy that monster."
"But why would you destroy Ver?" Shingles asked, doing ver best to look confused. "And is Ve even here? I would expect Ver to be back on nrkk'V."
Harold was somewhat puzzled by this. He wasn't sure how it fit into the plot at all.
"Are you not Nurrkel the Fifth?" he asked.
"No!" ve declared vehemently. "I am Shingles the Myrrhman. I am a mere v'kkrn. Nurrkel the Fifth is the name of a superior V'kkrn."
I have to admit, I didn't see that one coming, Harold thought.