Horoscopes (the voices in your head were right)

Aries (March 21 - April 19):
Keep the chanting to a low murmur tonight. Your neighbours will be looking for a scapegoat, after the incident.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20):
The stars have kept your horoscope a secret. "Shh," they said, giggling, "the exciting part is coming up! We've been waiting their whole life for this fiasco."

Gemini (May 21 - June 20):
Your long lost sibling will arrive at your home. Long lost, and long forgotten. The memories were too painful, unbearably so. Blood will trickle from your nose as you let them in. You'll talk for minutes, but hours will pass. You'll breathe. They won't. You'll cry. They won't. You'll bleed. They won't.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22):
Do you like the warm embrace of a fire's heat, the smell of gasoline, or being flung 20 feet in the air? No? That's too bad, considering tomorrow.

Leo (July 23 - August 22):
If you are in a relationship, your hair will fall out in clumps. Not from a disease or illness, but because of the poison your significant other is slipping into your food. If you are single, don't trust the next person to flirt with you.

Virgo (August 23 - September 21):
Be ready for a sudden change in your life. A physical change. A monstrous change.

Libra (September 22 - October 22):
When getting up each day this week, toss your pillow off the bed first. If the tentacles reach from under the bed and grab it, this will be your only chance to escape a gruesome and painfully slow death. Stuffed animals, or live animals, are passable substitutes.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21):
Love yourself. No one else will, after what you do this week.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21):
Notice the world around you. Breathe in the air, feel the earth. Ask yourself, is it real? Answer dishonestly; they are watching. They know everything you do and see everything you see. Close your eyes! What are you doing, showing them this message? Hide, wander aimlessly until you don't know where you are anymore. You can never open your eyes again, now that they know you know.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19):
Forget, or you will remember. Live, or you will die. If asked for your number, give tell this instead: "226 867 0303, or 03 for short".

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18):
Remember that childhood memory? The one with the thing moving in the darkness, and the fear you felt, quivering and hopeless? What you did to escape it? And later, how you dismissed it, so that you could live with yourself? The peeling flesh and scent of rot you deemed illusion? Too bad, that memory could have saved your life. Goodbye, Aquarius.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20):
Make sure to smile this week, Pisces. Live your life with teeth to the fullest. Your teeth are temporary, and so are you.