The Official Fogel Writes Silly Things Thread

Gangsters

Donny "The Don" Donner had a problem. And when Donny had a problem, he called in the boys.
"Boys," Donny said calmly, "I have a problem. My tooth hurts."
"Uh-oh. I think I see where this is going," Ladyface said nervously. "You need an appointment with Fillings the dentist, right?"
"As always, Ladyface, you're more than just a pretty face. That's right, I need to see Fillings. But you know how backed up he is all the time. It could be weeks before his schedule's open, and I might have to sit in his waiting room for a whole hour. I'm a busy man, I don't have that kind of time."
"Busy with what?" Tommy "The Boyle" Michigan said with a sneer. "We're the ones who do all the work."
"And I'm the one who has to clean up after your messes," Donny snapped back. "Remember that mishap at Tony's Pizzeria?"
"Oh, come on, Donny! How was I supposed to know 'Hawaiian' meant 'ham and pineapple?"
"By using your brain and reading the goddamn menu, halfwit. But that's not what this meeting is about. We need a plan for getting me an appointment with Fillings no later than tomorrow. So tell me what you've got, boys."
"It'll be tough," Marcus "Bankster" Hunter said thoughtfully. "Fillings has the tightest security this side of Fort Knox. We can't pull the old fake schedule trick like we could with Doc Knuckles."
"We might have a shot if there's a cancellation," Ladyface suggested. "I ran into old Lefty Wright today outside Fillings' office. He said he'd come on the wrong day and had to go all the way over there again tomorrow."
"Perfect." Donny grinned. "Go pay Lefty a visit, boys. Maybe we can convince him it would be better for his health to reschedule."

"Reschedule?" Lefty growled. "I walked all the way over there today!"
"Yes, and that must have been quite a strain on your legs, Mr. Wright," Marcus replied. "At your age, you really ought to conserve your strength. Is it really going to help you to walk all the way over to Fillings' office two days in a row? Why, that's a good three miles!"
"And you have to walk back, too," Tommy added. "That's, uh... carry the two... almost five miles!"
"Plus, I hear the weather's not going to be too great," Ladyface said. "They're forecasting heavy rain. If you're out that long in the rain, you might catch pneumonia!"
Lefty growled.
"Pneumonia's better 'n this stupid toothache," he muttered. "I ain't cancelin'. One way or another, this damn tooth's gonna stop hurtin' tomorrow."
The boys went into a huddle.
"I think we got a problem here," Tommy said. "Tryin' to get Lefty to change his mind is like, uh... like pullin' teeth!"
"That's it!" Marcus exclaimed. "We'll pull his tooth out! Then it'll stop hurtin' and he won't have to go to the dentist!"
"Easier said than done," Ladyface interjected. "Lefty may like to open his big mouth, but that doesn't mean he's gonna let us in there."
The boys stared at Lefty. He had dozed off and was snoring, leaving his mouth wide open.
"Well, this'll be easy!" Tommy said, chuckling.
"No it won't, you dummy!" Ladyface scolded, punching him in the shoulder. "How are we gonna find out which tooth hurts while he's asleep?"
"I'll handle this," Marcus declared. "Stay back, this could get ugly."
Marcus walked over to Lefty and prodded him gently.
"Whaddaya want, sonny?" Lefty growled. "Can't you leave a man in peace?"
"Oh, uh, I was just wonderin' which tooth hurt, sir," Marcus said awkwardly.
"How's that any of your business, boy?" Lefty snarled.
"Uh, the Don's a real stickler for details, Mr. Wright," Marcus continued. "If I don't tell him which tooth it was, he's gonna get mad at me."
"Well, that's just too bad," Lefty grumbled. "Because I ain't tellin' you which tooth hurts. 'Sides, I bet you don't know nothin' about teeth. Probably can't even tell a bicuspid from a molar!"
The boys huddled again.
"Sorry, I tried," Marcus said apologetically. "Any other bright ideas?"
"Uh... we could knock all his teeth out?" Tommy suggested. "We'd be sure to get the right one."
"Tommy, you numbskull!" Ladyface replied. "How's he gonna tell Fillings he's cancellin' if he ain't got no teeth?"
Tommy reflected on this for a while.
"What if we taught him sign language?"
"Does Fillings even know sign language?"
"We could teach him, too."
Marcus and Ladyface sighed deeply.
"Tommy, do you know sign language?" Marcus asked.
"Uh, well, no."
"So who's gonna do the teaching?"
"I know sign language!" Lefty chimed in. "Who do I gotta teach?"
"Hey! What are you doin' in our huddle?" Ladyface protested. "You're not one of the boys!"
"Why not? I'm twice the boy you are!" Lefty declared proudly. "Just name me a job and I'll get it done."
The boys looked back and forth at each other for a few minutes, before Marcus finally broke the silence.
"Well, Lefty, let's see you prove it," he said. "See, the Don needs an appointment with Fillings, and he needs it tomorrow."
"Is that all?" Lefty laughed. "I can get that for ya, no problem. Hand me that phone, would you?"
Bemused, Tommy handed the phone to Lefty.
"Fillings? It's Lefty here. I don't need ya, you old blowhard! This toothache's nothin' compared to the war! I'm cancellin' right now! Yeah, you heard me! Three week wait? Bah, that's like a vacation after four months under artillery fire! Yeah, same to you!"
Lefty hung up and smirked at the boys.
"See? One cancellation, just like that. Nothin' to it. Now get outta my house!"
Before anyone could raise a word of protest, Lefty pushed the boys out onto the street. They stared at each other awkwardly.
"Someone should probably tell Donny?" Tommy finally said. "That empty slot'll fill fast, you know."

The next evening, Donny called another meeting. He was in an uncharacteristically good mood.
"Good work, boys," he said. "I don't know how you did it, but thanks to you - and Fillings, of course - my tooth's never felt better. This almost makes up for the mixup with my dry-cleaning last week."
"Hey, don't blame me!" Tommy shouted. "I gave that guy a lousy tip!"
"Be quiet, Tommy. Now, as I was saying, you deserve a reward for your good work. So I've decided to give you all a share of my candy stash."
Donny dumped a big pile of candy on the table.
"Help yourselves, boys."
The boys dug in, and then all shouted in pain.
"I think I broke a tooth!" Ladyface whimpered.
"I think I set a world record for fastest-forming cavity!" Marcus groaned.
"I'm allergic to licorice!" Tommy groaned. "Why'd I eat this stuff?"
Donny just laughed.
"Guess I'd better give Fillings a call!" he snickered. "Don't worry, boys, I'm sure I can grab you all spots before his vacation next month."
The boys groaned deeply. Donny "The Don" Donner had done it to them again.