Business Magnate

Your name is Sydney Lucre

sydney's the name, lucre's the game. lucre is also the name

Wow! The world's first wrestling CEO.

What about Vince McMahon?

The world's first real wrestling CEO.

curses! they must never find out about more about my secret double life...

ha ha, what? you think lucha libre is real?

it's more real than you could ever know...

What's Lucha Libre? I just said that because you put me in a jackknife hold while introducing yourself.

oh, sorry. it's a nervous tic

The sun sleeps in your hair at night. That's why you can't see it.

But I don't even have hair!

why do you think you can't see it

Ohhhhhh...

>Business?

Operating systems for nuclear plants with fun desktop themes and stuff.

aren't there like

six of those

Yes, and they're all using Windows 2000.

But we've got a plan! First, we gotta get the Y2K bug working so it rolls over to Windows 0. Then all we have to do is sell one copy, for seven trillion dollars!

mhm. so what did it cost you to develop this product from scratch?

Seven trillion dollars.

And not one of those scratch lottos came back a winner...

Thank goodness for the Publisher's Clearinghouse, or we'd be in a Publisher's Poorhouse!

And you know what they say about passing stones in a clear house!

whatever it is it's not what they say. how did you earn the starting seventeen trillion?

Earn...?

They mean "scam," I think, dear brother.

I hear we're supposed to call it "selling things" now.

I swear, can't breathe without turning around and incurring the wrath of the PC Mafia these days!

Always shoving Windows 2000 down our throats!

jesus fucking christ will you just tell me how you turn a profit around here already??????????????????????

Oh! Well...

Your business is the manufacturing and distribution of prosthetic butts.

ah, for the tragically buttless. a noble cause

Mostly, though, we cater to the select clientele who want a bigger butt.

Or a second butt!

You want to launch a new silicon line of derrieres, but people keep telling you that might not be very good for the brand's reputation. Hm. Wonder why.

You've actually come in at an exciting time in this business.

what, 2 in the afternoon?

Yes! We have already arranged a 2:30 pitch meeting with one of the top minds in Silicone Valley, presumably a plastic surgeon, who says he's a unicorn and is looking for investors...

You gotta wonder about this guy though... like if it's 2:30 shouldn't he be a plastic dentist?

uh you mean silicon valley right

Ha ha! You say words weird. I like you!

Here he is now!

Hi!

oh my god how long have you been there

Mom always said to show up 15 minutes early, ha ha ha ha ha!

christ, your head looks like... it looks like a halloween... uh, squash. that someone had to draw on upside-down with a sharpie because their mom wouldn't let them use a knife... only they wouldn't let them use a sharpie either so they had to use a crayon. with their left hand

That's okay, I'll get plenty of knife carving practice on your SKULL. I'll show you, I'll show them all. I'll eat your teeth and live forever!

I'm sorry I was in the bathroom did someone say left hand

You KNOW you're supposed to stay in the lefty bathroom between the hours of 2 and 7! We can't have you scaring the dinner guests!

Gentlemen!

at the very least i'm not gentle

For centuries, man has been using the same exact butt as his father before him, and the same exact toilet paper. Pliable, yes, but inflexible. As life has accelerated and become more connected than ever, our weak flesh just can't keep up and we end up buried in the same grave as our father before us. Prosthetic limbs aspire only to replace our everfailing, constantly dying human body parts... but what if you could create a butt for the modern world, a butt for the future?

A butt you could pass down to your son...

It's time to disrupt the butt space. Imagine, you can hold in your fart forever. Imagine, you can shrink it down so you only take up one seat on the plane. Imagine a butt that tweets at you when you need to poop. Imagine you don't need to wear pants that say you're Juicy because you can have it scrolling across the rear itself. Imagine if you were able to stop your child from buttchugging. All with a few taps on your phone... Interested? There's more. This butt would have those cat ear speakers and you could load all your favorite music or podcasts in, so you'd never have to worry about dropping your device while out jogging. You could sit down and never feel it. You would have independent cheek control. And of course... it would be on the cloud.

what if you leave wifi range?

You would immediately lose control of your bowels. Any other questions?