RE: The Damnable Fisticuffs (Round One: Kingdom of Giam)
11-09-2012, 04:06 AM
Jack O'Lanton answered the door happily. Upon seeing the lengthy scroll the wizard's face was buried in, he simply laughed.
"You're too late, I'm afraid!" he declared cheerfully. "I can't cast any magic, you see. Watch!"
He held up his hand for a moment, and nothing happened.
"See? Nothing! I'm sorry to say I'll be of no help on the front lines. Note that down, if you would!"
The draft officer said nothing. He simply stared at his scroll.
"Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't check my name, did you? Jack O'Lanton. Do you need me to spell that for you? It's not that difficult, but if you want to be sure..."
The wizard put down his scroll.
That was when Jack realized he didn't have a mouth.
***
"Listen, I really must get back to work," Draft Officer Fiar protested. "The Kingdom needs more mages on the front lines!"
"Dammit, I forgot how much trouble new mouths are," Ventriloquist grumbled. "It's what, an hour before he's fully cooperative?"
"Usually, yes," Detective Scumm replied. "But it varies depending on how much you help them out. You may remember that I didn't quite settle down until you solved the case I was working on."
"Ugh, right. I had to track down Earlobe. Man, I never liked that guy."
"Every moment we waste is a moment that Nescin schemes!" Fiar yelled. "Who knows what wickedness they are plotting even now?"
Ventriloquist sighed.
"No way I'm helping him out with this. I caught a glimpse of that scroll, there were way too many names on it. Plus, I hate paperwork."
"Have you no love for your country? Do you want Nescin to overrun us, enslave us, teach us their wicked ways?"
"First off, it's not my country, second, I don't really care either way. I've got half a mind to just hand your mouth back. Only reason I grabbed it in the first place was to cast spells."
"You can give mouths back?" Father Dimley interjected. "Why haven't you done this before?"
"Because then you jerks would tell people about me," Ventriloquist grumbled. "Now shut up."
Dimley was forced into silence once more.
"The very future of Giam is at stake here!" Fiar continued, apparently ignoring Ventriloquist's other arguments with himself. "I cannot ignore the plight of our kingdom!"
"Damn, Boss, he's startin' to get to me," Nails interjected. "You sure you can't do this?"
"Ain't gonna," Ventriloquist declared. "I want him to shut up, but not that bad. Do you have any idea how many forms I had to fill out every day at the lab? Too fuckin' many, that's how many."
"And while you leave my work unfinished, Nescin draws closer and closer to victory!" Fiar protested. "Will you simply sit back and allow them to overrun this land?"
"You are so goddamn annoying!" Ventriloquist snarled. "Giam this, Nescin that, fill out my stupid form. Christ, I'd sooner take on this Nescin kingdom myself than fill out your stupid form."
He paused thoughtfully.
"Hey, here's a thought, geezer. You shut up about this stupid form and I help out your stupid fight against this other kingdom. We got a deal?"
"You would volunteer for such a noble cause? Amazing! I cannot believe how I have misjudged you..."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Save your words for some magic, old man."
***
Maximus Smith-Mason-Gardener-Smythe was more than a little irritated. That stupid draft officer had made him forget what he was going to write in his letter!
At least once it was put together, he'd have the money to stay out of the army. He'd made the discovery of a lifetime, and the Institute was sure to reward him well for it.
"You're too late, I'm afraid!" he declared cheerfully. "I can't cast any magic, you see. Watch!"
He held up his hand for a moment, and nothing happened.
"See? Nothing! I'm sorry to say I'll be of no help on the front lines. Note that down, if you would!"
The draft officer said nothing. He simply stared at his scroll.
"Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't check my name, did you? Jack O'Lanton. Do you need me to spell that for you? It's not that difficult, but if you want to be sure..."
The wizard put down his scroll.
That was when Jack realized he didn't have a mouth.
***
"Listen, I really must get back to work," Draft Officer Fiar protested. "The Kingdom needs more mages on the front lines!"
"Dammit, I forgot how much trouble new mouths are," Ventriloquist grumbled. "It's what, an hour before he's fully cooperative?"
"Usually, yes," Detective Scumm replied. "But it varies depending on how much you help them out. You may remember that I didn't quite settle down until you solved the case I was working on."
"Ugh, right. I had to track down Earlobe. Man, I never liked that guy."
"Every moment we waste is a moment that Nescin schemes!" Fiar yelled. "Who knows what wickedness they are plotting even now?"
Ventriloquist sighed.
"No way I'm helping him out with this. I caught a glimpse of that scroll, there were way too many names on it. Plus, I hate paperwork."
"Have you no love for your country? Do you want Nescin to overrun us, enslave us, teach us their wicked ways?"
"First off, it's not my country, second, I don't really care either way. I've got half a mind to just hand your mouth back. Only reason I grabbed it in the first place was to cast spells."
"You can give mouths back?" Father Dimley interjected. "Why haven't you done this before?"
"Because then you jerks would tell people about me," Ventriloquist grumbled. "Now shut up."
Dimley was forced into silence once more.
"The very future of Giam is at stake here!" Fiar continued, apparently ignoring Ventriloquist's other arguments with himself. "I cannot ignore the plight of our kingdom!"
"Damn, Boss, he's startin' to get to me," Nails interjected. "You sure you can't do this?"
"Ain't gonna," Ventriloquist declared. "I want him to shut up, but not that bad. Do you have any idea how many forms I had to fill out every day at the lab? Too fuckin' many, that's how many."
"And while you leave my work unfinished, Nescin draws closer and closer to victory!" Fiar protested. "Will you simply sit back and allow them to overrun this land?"
"You are so goddamn annoying!" Ventriloquist snarled. "Giam this, Nescin that, fill out my stupid form. Christ, I'd sooner take on this Nescin kingdom myself than fill out your stupid form."
He paused thoughtfully.
"Hey, here's a thought, geezer. You shut up about this stupid form and I help out your stupid fight against this other kingdom. We got a deal?"
"You would volunteer for such a noble cause? Amazing! I cannot believe how I have misjudged you..."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Save your words for some magic, old man."
***
Maximus Smith-Mason-Gardener-Smythe was more than a little irritated. That stupid draft officer had made him forget what he was going to write in his letter!
At least once it was put together, he'd have the money to stay out of the army. He'd made the discovery of a lifetime, and the Institute was sure to reward him well for it.