The Official Fogel Writes Silly Things Thread

Still More Unicorns

Judge Galacticamaru was tired of being called on to judge stupid cases. He was also a unicorn.
"Before we begin, I have a question for both the prosecution and the defense," he stated simply. "Are you wasting my time yet again?"
"Objection!" shouted Sheinalica, who was the attractive and intelligent lawyer for the defense and also a unicorn. "When have I ever wasted your time?"
"I object more!" declared Dr. Commissioner James Gordon, who was the prosecutor. He was a no-nonsense lawyer who got results and also a unicorn. "I get results, don't I?"
"A better question, actually," Judge Galacticamaru said, holding his gavel thoughtfully. "Why are you defense and prosecution? I thought you two only handled lawsuits."
Sheinalica and Dr. Commissioner James Gordon just stared at Judge Galacticamaru.
"Don't you lawyers usually specialize? Especially prosecutors, you work for the government."
"I do?" Dr. Commissioner James Gordon asked, confused. "Since when?"
"Beggin' yer pardon, Mister Judge Galacticamaru, sir," said Blind George, who was a pirate and not a unicorn at all. "But I can be explainin' what be goin' on here. Y'see, yer honor, I think I sat down in the wrong seat. I be the prosecutor in this case, yarr."
"Oh," said Judge Galactiamaru. "That's... slightly less confusing. Then what's Dr. Commissioner James Gordon doing here?"
"I will explain!" declared Lumious Fragnt, who was a wizard and not a unicorn or a pirate. "With a song!"
"A song?" Judge Galactimaru asked, puzzled. "And who even are you?"
"I will answer that with my song, too!" Lumious declared.

Lumious Fragnt! That is my name,
And today, legal defense is my game!
Mr. Blind George has made a provocative claim:
There's been a crime, and these two are to blame!

But what is this breach of the law?
What was it that one witness saw?
This piece of evidence - has it a flaw?
All the conclusions are His Honor's to draw!

Judge Galacticamaru sighed.
"So what you're saying is, Sheinalica and Dr. Commissioner James Gordon are the defendants in this case, you're their lawyer, and this pirate here is the prosecution, and everyone's sitting in the wrong seat."
"Yes, Your Honor."
"Couldn't you have done that without singing?"
Lumious looked confused.
"Wait. Are you saying this isn't Singapore?"
"Unless Singapore annexed Unicorn Land and I didn't hear about it, no, it is not."
"Arr! I be objectin'!" Blind George shouted at a nearby coatrack. "I been studyin' Singaporean law, not Unicorn Land law!"
"I as well!" Lumious declared. "Can we not try them by Singaporean law instead? It would be much simpler for us both."
Judge Galacticamaru held his head in his hands.
Then, suddenly, his mood brightened.
"Well!" he announced. "I was never appointed a judge in Singapore, so I guess that means you'll just have to settle this case without me. So long, everyone!"
"Objection!" interrupted Dr. Commissioner James Gordon. "We're being tried for practicing law without a license in Unicorn Land. Last I checked, that wasn't a crime in Singapore!"
"Objection!" declared Sheilanica. "I was going to make that objection!"
"Shiver me timbers, ye be right!" Blind George announced. "Well, then, I don't be havin' any case, yarr. The prosecution rests, yer honor."
"The defense rests as well!" added Lumious.
"Great," Judge Galacticamaru muttered, walking out of the courtroom. "Now just tell that to a Singaporean judge and leave me out of this."
Everyone sat around awkwardly.
"So, er," Blind George asked the witness stand. "Who be a Singaporean judge around here, arr?"

Meanwhile, Akwar the Orc Sorceror was waiting outside.
"I wonder when they'll call me in to do that witness thing," he said absentmindedly, as he petted Awkar the Orc Sorceror. "I was looking forward to it."