RE: The Damnable Fisticuffs (Round One: Kingdom of Giam)
09-28-2012, 04:03 AM
The Elite Russian Bear Cavalry has never been bested in battle. This feat would be more impressive if they had ever managed to actually find their way to a battlefield.
Directions were not their strong suit; there had never been much of a need to learn navigation in Siberia, because there was nowhere to actually go. As such, the introduction of actual landmarks presented a unique challenge for the Bear Cavalry. Six of the men had gotten lost trying to find a path around the first tree.
"This will not do," Commander Nikoya Dochinsky growled. "What would czar say if he knew half of elite company lost?"
"Czar would say, 'Hooray! Now I can cut budget in half!'" Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov replied, chuckling. The commander was not amused.
"What is funny, Ivanov? Is funny to leave Siberia undefended while we fight for lives? Is funny that company cannot stay together for twenty seconds? Is funny that we are trapped in strange land where they might not even have vodka? Ha ha. Am laughing so hard, Ivanov. Maybe you have future in comedy."
Ivanov gulped nervously.
"Am sorry, Commander," he said.
"Good man. Now, we need plan. First problem, we need to reunite company. To do that, we need base of operations, so lost men have place to go. So we find base of operations and then regroup."
The men saluted.
"How we find base of operations, Commander?" Ivanov asked.
"That is good question, Ivanov. And answer is, you find base of operations. Right now!"
"Yes sir!" Ivanon shouted. He rode his bear off into the forest.
"That is good man," the commander said approvingly. "I hope he finds way back here."
***
The bears were going to be my next guess, Harold mused. I'd have expected more than one of them, though.
The seven-time champion picked himself up. The bear had hit him a bit hard, but perhaps the actors inside it were just overly enthusiastic. His armor was good enough to take the blow, anyhow.
Have to say, the costume department's done wonders, as usual. That bear looks amazing. If I didn't know better, I'd say it was real. In any case, he's definitely meant to be an honorable warrior, if still comic relief.
He cleared his throat. Yuri Nikanoslav turned in surprise.
"Excuse me, my good sir," Harold said. "You should be careful where you steer that bear. You nearly ran me over."
"Am sorry," Nikanoslav replied. "Am not used to pedestrians. For five years now, have only seen other bear riders."
"It's quite all right," Harold said calmly. "Just a bear, after all. Where are you headed?"
It was then that Nikanoslav realized he had no idea. Of course, it would hurt the reputation of the Bear Cavalry if he simply admitted that to a stranger.
"Is secret mission!" he declared. "Cannot say more. Very important, very hush-hush."
His bear growled.
"See? Tolstoy thinks am telling you too much already. You never saw me here. Goodbye."
He rode off before Harold could say another word, but his escape was short-lived; it was less than a minute before his bear ran headfirst into Ivanov's.
And now we've got a slapstick duo, Harold mused.
Directions were not their strong suit; there had never been much of a need to learn navigation in Siberia, because there was nowhere to actually go. As such, the introduction of actual landmarks presented a unique challenge for the Bear Cavalry. Six of the men had gotten lost trying to find a path around the first tree.
"This will not do," Commander Nikoya Dochinsky growled. "What would czar say if he knew half of elite company lost?"
"Czar would say, 'Hooray! Now I can cut budget in half!'" Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov replied, chuckling. The commander was not amused.
"What is funny, Ivanov? Is funny to leave Siberia undefended while we fight for lives? Is funny that company cannot stay together for twenty seconds? Is funny that we are trapped in strange land where they might not even have vodka? Ha ha. Am laughing so hard, Ivanov. Maybe you have future in comedy."
Ivanov gulped nervously.
"Am sorry, Commander," he said.
"Good man. Now, we need plan. First problem, we need to reunite company. To do that, we need base of operations, so lost men have place to go. So we find base of operations and then regroup."
The men saluted.
"How we find base of operations, Commander?" Ivanov asked.
"That is good question, Ivanov. And answer is, you find base of operations. Right now!"
"Yes sir!" Ivanon shouted. He rode his bear off into the forest.
"That is good man," the commander said approvingly. "I hope he finds way back here."
***
The bears were going to be my next guess, Harold mused. I'd have expected more than one of them, though.
The seven-time champion picked himself up. The bear had hit him a bit hard, but perhaps the actors inside it were just overly enthusiastic. His armor was good enough to take the blow, anyhow.
Have to say, the costume department's done wonders, as usual. That bear looks amazing. If I didn't know better, I'd say it was real. In any case, he's definitely meant to be an honorable warrior, if still comic relief.
He cleared his throat. Yuri Nikanoslav turned in surprise.
"Excuse me, my good sir," Harold said. "You should be careful where you steer that bear. You nearly ran me over."
"Am sorry," Nikanoslav replied. "Am not used to pedestrians. For five years now, have only seen other bear riders."
"It's quite all right," Harold said calmly. "Just a bear, after all. Where are you headed?"
It was then that Nikanoslav realized he had no idea. Of course, it would hurt the reputation of the Bear Cavalry if he simply admitted that to a stranger.
"Is secret mission!" he declared. "Cannot say more. Very important, very hush-hush."
His bear growled.
"See? Tolstoy thinks am telling you too much already. You never saw me here. Goodbye."
He rode off before Harold could say another word, but his escape was short-lived; it was less than a minute before his bear ran headfirst into Ivanov's.
And now we've got a slapstick duo, Harold mused.