RE: The Damnable Fisticuffs (Round One: Kingdom of Giam)
09-22-2012, 04:37 AM
Jack O'Lanton was worried. The way the war had been going, he was worried about being drafted into the Magic Corps. He wasn't the best mage, but the rumors had it that Giam was planning on a major expansion, and they'd take anyone who could use a wand.
So when there was a knock on his door these days, the first thing he did was cast a simple scrying spell to see who it was. The stranger on his doorstep now was unusually dressed, but he hardly looked like a government official. Jack decided to take a chance.
"Hello?" he said, opening the door. "How can I help you, stranger?"
"You can tell me where I am," Dout said grimly. "I do not recognize this land at all."
"Er, this is the village of Pyre," Jack said, confused. "We're a small town in the province of Ignos."
"The province of Ignos?" Dout asked. "And what, might I ask, is it a province of?"
"It's a province of Giam, the Kingdom of Magic," Jack replied. "We're mostly fire mages around here. You don't look Nescinian, where are you from?"
"Certainly not Dyt," Dout replied. "That place does not exist. Regardless, that is irrelevant; what matters is that you are apparently suffering under the delusion that magic exists."
"Er... What?" Jack asked, confused.
"The whole idea of magic is that you can produce energy from sheer willpower! Utter nonsense, a blatant violation of the laws of thermodynamics. Clearly any 'fire mages' you may have witnessed are con men or illusionists."
"Oh, we don't get many illusionists out here," Jack said. "You want one of those, you should head to Imaj, one province over. That's where they work on illusion magic."
"You are not listening," Dout said with a sigh. "Let me be more clear. Magic cannot and does not exist."
"Oh yeah?" Jack said with a grin. "If it doesn't exist, then explain this!"
He raised his arm and pointed it at a nearby shrub. The shrub very pointedly did not burst into flame.
"Explain what?" Dout asked. "Are you under the delusion that you can 'cast a spell', as they call it? Preposterous. Tell me, you said this was a Kingdom of Magic? Am I to understand, then, that the entire kingdom believes in this nonsense?"
Confused, Jack simply nodded and stared at his hand.
"Well! Then I have my work cut out for me," the non-god declared. "I need to find whoever's in charge here and set them straight."
"That would be the king," Jack muttered absently. "He's smack dab in the middle of the country."
"Thank you. I wish you the best in recovering from your delusions, young man."
And with that, the God of Skepticism wandered off, just moments before Jack realized that whatever had just happened was his ticket out of the draft.
Dout heard the cheers behind him and smiled. It was rare that his efforts to educate people were met with such enthusiasm. He was pleased.
So pleased that it only bothered him a little when he slipped on a carefully-placed banana peel a moment later.