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Dragon Fogel · 09-17-2012, 02:31 AM

The Egotist stared out into the multiverse, and saw countless beings thrown into interdimensional battles to the death.
"What an interesting idea," he mused. "Of course, if I were to run one, I'd do a far better job. It would put all the rest of these to shame."
And then he paused.
"I think I will do that. Naturally, I'll select all the combatants myself; there's no need to bother with Gentlemen, their choices wouldn't be as good as my own."
And so he looked through the multiverse for the best combatants he could think of.

Hello, I'm going to try doing a one-man Grand Battle, if only to give me something to write when I can't think of anything else.

Here are the profiles, whee!

Harold Sharpe

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The Elite Russian Bear Cavalry

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Nurrkel the Fifth (Shingles the Myrrhman)

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SpoilerName: Nurrkel the Fifth, AKA "Shingles the Myrrhman"
Gender: V'kkrn
Race: nrkk'V
Color: #078787
Biography: The nrkk'V consist of two castes: the V'kkrn and the v'kkrn. The V'kkrn are the dominant caste, and the rulers of the planet. By contrast, the v'kkrn serve as the servant caste, being genetically predisposed to follow all V'kkrn commands without question. The v'kkrn also give birth; the V'kkrn are technically capable of this, but consider it beneath them.
The two castes also serve, in effect, as genders; any newborn nrkk'V may be of either caste. As such, they do not follow a standard hereditary system; instead, there are a number of V'kkrn titles, and whenever a new generation of V'kkrn is born, they are assigned a title according to their birth order. Those born first in a season are the Hlothi, the absolute rulers of the planet; second are the Jktang, the Hlothi's primary advisors; and so on down the line, each new V'kkrn having less power than the previous, and v'kkrn simply being ignored.
In all of nrkk'V history, there have only been five birth cycles with enough V'kkrn to reach the House of Nurrkel. They are one of the lowest V'kkrn houses, and consequently they are considered barely more important than a v'kkrn.
Nurrkel the Fifth, naturally, was displeased with this. Aside from Ver own lowly position, Hlothi the Seven Billion, Eight Hundred Thirty-Nine Million, Six Hundred Twenty-Two Thousand, Four Hundred And Ninth was an incompetent ruler, and the entire nrkk'V homeworld was crumbling because of it. And yet Ve was honored for it!
Nurrkel had offered numerous suggestions, but they had all been flatly ignored, due to Ver low station. And so, finally, when Ve could not stand it any longer, Ve devised a plan.
Nurrkel would pose as a v'kkrn. Ve would find a way to get close to Hlothi, and then Ve would kill the ruler and take Ver place.
After careful observation, Nurrkel concluded that the simplest way would be to contaminate the myrrh supplies that served as Hlothi's favored meal. Ve assumed the guise of a Myrrhman, and took on the v'kkrn name of Shingles. Ve - no, wait, ve - then gathered up a large pile of myrrh.
And then, suddenly, ve was gone.
Description: Nurrkel is a large antlike creature. Normally Ve would be noteworthy for the shape of Ver antennae, but Ve had to remove them in order to complete the deception, as v'kkrn have their antennae removed soon after birth.
In Ver guise as Shingles, ve wears a Myrrman uniform, which consists of a large cloth tied around ver thorax. ve also has a large bucket filled with myrrh tied to ver back.
Nurrkel is extremely cunning and clever, and more than willing to manipulate someone else into going along with Ver plans. Ve has visions of prosperity for the entire nrkk'V race, but aside from bringing those plans to fruition, Ve only cares for Verself.
Weapons and Abilities: Nurrkel is considerably stronger than a human, and capable of carrying very heavy weights. Ve can also climb up the sides of surfaces.
Nurrkel is theoretically capable of giving birth if Ve finds another nrkk'V, but this is unlikely to come up.

Dout, the God of Skepticism

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SpoilerName: Dout
Gender: Male
Race: God of Skepticism
Text Color: Who says colors even exist? #456ABC certainly doesn't.
Biography: They said Dyt was the land of the gods, the place where they were born. This was, of course, nothing more than a silly rumor as there was no evidence of such a place ever existing, and of course the notion that there are or ever were gods is plainly ridiculous.
Indeed, after dozens of adventurers wasted countless hours and resources seeking out the place and most came back with nothing to show for it. Oh, there were stories, but they were clear fabrications by the adventurers to save face.
And so the public gradually became convinced that there was no Dyt and there were no gods to live there. This belief grew stronger as the adventurers seeking the place out became more and more desperate to fund their expeditions, restorting to crime or to deceiving wealthy donors.
The belief grew so strong that a god might have been born of it in Dyt if such a place existed, which of course it didn't.
And such a hypothetical god would be somewhat confused, being absolutely convinced that there was no Dyt and no gods, and therefore running around Dyt and telling the gods they didn't exist.
But of course, such a thing is clearly impossible and never happened at all, and it would be ridiculous to believe such a thing.
There is no Dyt, there are no Gods, and honestly I don't know whose silly idea it was to build this temple to "Dout" in the first place, or why I bother to come up here once a week and explain things everyone should already know.
These would be the words of Dout, God of Skepticism, if he really existed, which of course he doesn't. What exactly is the point of this religion, anyway?
Description: Dout does not exist. If he did, he would look like an ordinary human, completely normal in every way, and would not radiate light or dress ornately.
If Dout existed, as an incarnation of the people's skepticism, he would be highly dubious of any claim made with no strong and decisive evidence. Gods, magic, and interdimensional battles to the death clearly do not exist at all, and trying to suggest that they do is utter nonsense.
Abilities: Dout certainly does not have any divine abilities to manipulate doubts in others' minds, because he does not exist. If magic users existed and Dout did as well, he would hypothetically be able to cause them to disbelieve their own magic for a short time, rendering it useless. But of course, as there are no gods and no magic, this is pure speculation and nothing else.
Similarly, due to his nonexistence, Dout cannot cause locals to disbelieve in their own religion, nor is he able to affect someone's faith in anything, including their own skills. Any such powers he did exhibit would be temporary in effect, as Dout would be certain of his own non-existence, or at the very least of his lack of divine powers, and would simply attempt to dissuade the people through his words. His words might contain divine magic which actually alters their beliefs as long as he is there to suppress them and keep speaking, but divine magic clearly does not exist.

Super Robo City

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SpoilerName: Super Robo City
Gender: None
Race: City filled with robots
Color: Bolded gray
Biography: Super Robo City used to be Robo City, where robots ruled and hated humans. It was designed as some sort of artificial intelligence experiment in leaving the robots on their own, with a number of failsafes in place in case they turned out to go crazy or something over the course of the ten-year experiment.
Just before the ten years were up, a guy named Zaire teleported in, along with seven dead guys (or eight, if you count the one who was two dead guys) who he was forcing into a battle to the second death. The city went crazy because the dead guys were all humans and most of them still looked like it. However, two robot priests were convinced that one of the humans was their prophecied savior, so they captured him alive so he could save them.
Then a lot of crazy things happened, and the prophecied savior stopped the city from blowing up. And then a powerful robot with extradimensional teleportation abilities named the Monitor decided that the city was a neat place, so he took it away and took advantage of prophecies in the existing religion to set himself up as their God, the Server.
He was going to use the new, enhanced Robo City as a round in one of his battles, but then another extradimensional entity stole his contestants right before the round began.
And before the Monitor could think of what to do with the city now that his contestants had been taken to a different round entirely, it vanished.
Description: Super Robo City is a city filled with highly devout robots. Many still resent humans, and organic beings in general, but there is a growing movement for peaceful coexistence, primarily lead by the church.
The robots have a wide variety of shapes and abilities, but are mostly combat-oriented. Most of them are highly devout, especially as the appearance of the Server was so recent; they are eagerly awaiting another message from him, expecting new duties in his service. They are unlikely to recieve such a message, however.
There have always been two primary branches in the city's government, those being the military and the church; both sides frequently disagree, but both have comparable spheres of influence. The city's leader, the Singularity, has been responsible for making decisions and has heard countless arguments between the two factions; officially, it has the final say in all decisions.
Unofficially, the two factions tend to try to do things their way regardless of the Singularity's division.
After the Great Download, at first it appeared the arguments would cease; however, the increased presence of organics caused by being pulled into a battle to the death is likely to revive this schism.
Abilities: Super Robo City's primary ability is having a lot of robots in it. They can send them out to scout the area, or to attack; exactly which one ends up happening generally depends on whether it was the military or the church who sent the probe.
Super Robo City's other powers include being an entire city.

Tulip Johnson

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The 24-7 Gang

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SpoilerName: The 24-7 Gang: Bobby Banks, Robyn Banks, Robespierre Banks, Roberta Banks, Rupert Banks (No relation)
Gender: Male, Female, Male, Female, Male
Race: Human, the whole lot of them
Text Color: 009900, dollar-bill green
Description: The 24-7 Gang are a family of thrill-seeking gangsters who have dedicated their lives to robbing banks, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. If this means hopping on a bankplane to another continent, and robbing it in the process, then so be it!
The Banks family wear their masks at all times, at least when they're on the job - rumor has it they wear them in private, too, but this rumor has no basis in reality.
Bobby is a somewhat bulky man in his late thirties wearing a purple ski mask. Most news stories on the gang identify him as the leader, but in all honesty, he's not very bright and is well aware of this. He does enjoy the publicity, though. He's very protective of his family, though you'd have a hard time getting him to admit this in public - or in private, for that matter.
Robyn is a slim woman, slightly older than Bobby, wearing a red mask. She's the true leader of the gang, and Bobby's wife; she admires him mostly because he's very good at doing what she says. She tends to constantly issue orders to the family even during downtime.
Robespierre is a thin, even scrawny, teenage boy in a light blue ski mask. He loves pulling pranks, and it doesn't matter to him whether he pulls them on bank security guards or on his own family.
Roberta, the youngest, is an eight-year old girl wearing a pink ski mask and a frilly pink dress instead of the black jackets and pants the rest of the family wear. She always talks in a very cutesy voice, and is usually holding a doll or stuffed animal of some kind; she's gathered a rather large collection, but every week or so she picks a different one as her "favorite" and will never be seen without it, until next week when she tosses it back with the others.
Rupert is the only member of the gang not to wear a mask; he wears formal attire and is a man in his fifties or sixties with grey hair and an immaculately-trimmed mustache. He is always polite and has a slight British accent - at least, when he's not posing as someone on a job. He is very loyal to the family, and acts as something of a butler to them, as well as a tutor to the children.
Weapons/Abilities: Each member of the gang has their own specialty.
The main advantages Bobby brings to the team are his imposing build, and his ability to yell in a loud and booming voice. He tends to act as the muscle and/or a distraction, depending on what the heist calls for.
Robyn specializes in planning out the gang's heists, and she's an excellent shot with a gun. In addition, she's an expert at breaking into and hotwiring vehicles whenever the current one gets too hot to handle; past thefts include motorcycles, armored trucks, police cars, tanks, ocean liners, and a space shuttle that one time.
Robespierre's light build makes him good at sneaking around unnoticed, and he has a grappling hook, infrared goggles, and a harness to help him make use of this to get into hard-to-access areas unseen. In addition, he's the family pickpocket, and usually the one called on when they need to get a keycard or somebody's ID in a hurry. He also loves pulling pranks, as mentioned before, and can never resist pulling at least one trick while he's on a stealth mission. He has a few props for this purpose, such as sneezing powder and whoopee cushions, but he's also not afraid to improvise.
Roberta is the family's tech expert, and also has a knack for picking locks. She's remarkably adept at hacking, although she tends to give her stuffed-animal-of-the-week credit for that.
Finally, Rupert is a master of disguise, which may explain his willingness to go without a mask the rest of the time - it's not as if it would help security to recognize him. He's also something of a jack-of-all-trades, having previously shown an affinity for such diverse tasks as demolitions, safecracking, martial arts, cooking, laundry, vehicle repair, software engineering, and skydiving.
In addition, at the time of abduction, the family had stolen an armored van and loaded their most valuable belongings into it, among them changes of clothes, various gear for heists (including weapons), Roberta's doll and stuffed animal collection, and Robespierre's props.
Biography:
WANTED
For various counts of bank robbery, grand theft auto, grand theft vehicles in general, hacking, pickpocketing, con games, and jaywalking

The first major sighting of the criminals known as the 24-7 Gang happened about sixteen years ago. Their first recorded heist was a raid on the First Church of Mammon National Bank, conducted by a man and woman in their mid-twenties and an older man posing as a priest. Over the course of the evening, the trio stole $400,000 in cash and an armored car, as well as an estimated $15,000 in "gifts" from bystanders forced into acting as "guests" for a wedding between the younger thieves.

The only clue left behind was a marriage certificate in the names Bobby Banks and Robyn Banks; authorities believe these to be assumed names. A few witnesses reported that the older man was referred to as "Rupert"; it is currently unknown what connection he has to the younger couple, but there are reports of an identity thief using the name Rupert Banks 30 years ago. Digital imaging suggests the older criminal could be the same man, but this remains unconfirmed.

The Gang has acquired their nickname by engaging in a constant string of robberies since then; they immediately move across the globe from one bank to the next without a break. Furthermore, approximately nine months after that heist, the young couple was observed with a baby. It is unknown whether this boy was kidnapped or is the biological child of the "Banks" family, but in the intervening years this "Robespierre Banks" has grown up and assisted the 24-7 Gang with their heists, usually through stealthy maneuvers.

Approximately eight years ago, the Gang grew by another member; once again, this was a child. Again, it is unknown whether she was kidnapped by the Gang or born to them. She is known to the public only as "Roberta Banks". She appears to be quite talented with computer systems, and appears to have conducted a number of successful hacking attempts, but we have little knowledge of any other crimes she has conducted under the guidance of her criminal parents.

Please contact the local authorities if you have any knowledge that could lead to the arrest of these dangerous criminals...

Bobby Banks put the poster down.
"Dang!" he said to his wife. "The bounty's up to eight digits. Almost temptin' to turn somebody in." He turned to Robespierre in the backseat. "I hope you keep that in mind when you think about skippin' on your homework, son. It might be a few days before we can get you out otherwise."
"Aw, Dad!" Robespierre sighed. "I only forgot to research the security systems once, can't you let it go already?"
"Maybe when the laser burn stops feelin' so sore," Bobby grumbled.
"Shut up, Bobby!" Robyn growled at him. "We ain't turnin' the kids in. Now make yourself useful and help me find a good landin' spot."
"Sorry, dear," Bobby sighed, turning back. He looked carefully at the Tower of Banking ahead. "Don't see a helipad... But I don't see any guards, either."
"I would imagine not, sir," said a voice in the back seat. "There is little air at this elevation, and thanks to an error in the shipping company's records, the new air tanks they were supposed to receive yesterday were diverted to the Sixty-Third National Bank."
Rupert smiled at Roberta, who sat beside him.
"I must say, it was highly convenient for us, wasn't it? Security here lacks proper breathing equipment for the upper levels, and we were able to pick it up at our last stop."
"You can thank Sir Toothingsburg for that," Roberta said, holding up a stuffed alligator. "He's the best!"
"Quit yappin', everyone," Robyn said. "I gotta be careful landin' this thing. You all remember what happened last time we came by copter."
Everyone was quiet as Robyn landed on the roof. They climbed out and Rupert handed out the air tanks.
"Right. Listen up, everyone!" Robyn shouted, as she adjusted her breathing mask. "This here's the tallest bank in the world. And we're gonna clean it out from top to bottom! Everyone remembers the plan, right?"
"Yes, madam."
"Yeah, mom, geez..."
"I do, Mommy! I do!"
"Uh... could you run it by me again, honey?"
Robyn glared at her husband.
"All you gotta do is head to the elevator, go down to the first floor, and cause a ruckus," she sighed. "We'll pick you up when it's over. Just don't do anything too stupid and you'll be fine. Nothing's gonna go wrong here."

"Tonight's top story: The 24-7 Gang has struck again! This morning, they conducted a daring raid on the recently-erected Tower of Banking, in which they reportedly stole cash and valuables from every single floor and commandeered an armored car for their escape. And then something strange happened: once all five members of the gang entered the vehicle, it disappeared in a flash of light.
"Police had no comment on this development, nor on the fact that the Gang has not conducted any robberies in the six hours following the incident - a rare occurrence. We'll have more details as the story develops."

Ventriloquist

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SpoilerName: Ventriloquist
Race: Lab-created human
Gender: Male (some parts female)
Text Color: A stylish purple.
Biography: Ventriloquist was created in a laboratory by scientists who respected his basic rights as a sentient being. He was part of a strange initiative known as "Project Bodysnatcher"; there were a number of experiments much like him, capable of switching their body parts around and stealing body parts from other people.
Ventriloquist's specialty was stealing mouths. However, early in the experiment, he found that whenever he stole someone's mouth, he also stole their mind. Generally they didn't appreciate this and would tell him as much, but something about the process made them cooperative anyways; they'd keep quiet if he told them to, and would otherwise help him out.
Anyhow, despite not being mistreated in any way, Ventriloquist found the lab boring. So, with the help of a scientist whose mouth he had stolen, he quietly escaped one night.
The night after that, the rest of the Bodysnatchers vanished.

Over the next few months, Ventriloquist lived on the street, grabbing the occasional mouth just out of boredom. After a while, he found out that some of his stolen mouths had lost other body parts before he came along. This lead him to seek out the other members of Project Bodysnatcher; he remembered that they were all a bunch of jerks, and didn't want them causing trouble.
After a few run-ins with the other experiments, he began to suspect that there was something more sinister at work behind their robberies. However, before he could investigate, he was called in to enter a battle to the death.

Weapons and Abilities: Ventriloquist is able to steal a person's mouth. In doing so, he steals their mind as well.
The mouth retains the original personality attached to it, but becomes inherently loyal to Ventriloquist.
Ventriloquist can also move the mouths around, and in fact, he can swap parts of his body easily. He can place a specific mouth on his face to speak with the voice and mannerisms of that person.
Any mouth attached to him also develops a very strong bite; he's not going to be biting through hard metal, but he can really tear up softer things. Such as human flesh.
He also has a strong sense of style, and doesn't do too well in water.

Description: Ventriloquist looks like a stylishly-dressed man in his late 20s. He also has mouths up and down his arms, but usually he wears a shirt over them.
Ventriloquist is pretty laid-back. He was treated well at the lab, so he doesn't tend to get mad easily. He also doesn't have strong principles, though; usually when he does something, it's just because he got bored.
His other mouths are more opinionated, and will often make recommendations to him; usually he ignores them until he's bored, though.