Post making contest 6.0

I have a secret. Ask me yes or no questions about my secret. Excuse me, which way is the Post Baking Concert?

Passes rule 3

Kieros is quite a nice host.

Passes no rules!

I have a secret. Kieros needs to grade some posts. qwerqwerqwer.

Passes no rules!

This is update #268.

• Day 26: I am just going to jump straight back into things and pretend I can remember exactly what was going on. Nothing bad can come of this.
  
• apparently it is possible to proceed to the serving stage with an uncooked burger so when I accidentally selected one that was being grilled, not the one that had just finished, I may have made a noise
  
• also sodas continue to be thoroughly irksome so guess what's coming off the menu for the first time ever
  
• Day 27: because it would feel wrong not to serve any drink whatsoever, I've shelled out for beer. This will go swimmingly.
  
• 11 people ordered beer during the lunchtime rush hour. The hour between 12pm and 1pm. Huh.
  
• (and yeah I fucked up one of them had a bit of an overspill going on whoospie)
  
• the new catering event is pretzels (yep), corndogs (yep) and... lasagne? uh
  
• am I brave enough to do the drinks catering event now I have had the beer for one day
  
• NAILED IT (+$675 dollars for 27/27 perfect orders)
  
• Day 28: the concept of the daily special terrifies me but I invested in it anyway with my beer money and so yep making beer the first daily special
  
• I am slowly turning into a Wetherspoons and somehow that's okay
  
• x60 COMBO PERFECT DAY
  
• Day 29: x68 COMBO PERFECT DAY BOO-YA (note to self: salads are a great dish of the day)
  
• Day 30: Crazy Dave wants me to get a x20 perfect combo with sodas and salads on my menu... or, in other words, do what I did pretty much every day for the first 25 days. Bingo.
  
• x63 COMBO PERFECT DAY SUCK IT CRAZY DAVE
  
• Day 31: I need to complete another catering challenge in the next couple of days, so it's time for PSCRPSCRPSCR
  
• (that's the lasagne sound)
  
• (because it's the sequence of presses you need for the basic recipe)
  
• (and Nilesy used to say it out loud)
  
• dear lord that is a deceptively difficult sequence of key presses to nail so uh I am not doing that catering event until I've had some more practice methinks
  
• Day 32: ONLY ONE AVERAGE ORDER TODAY I'M IMPROVING
  
• except the lasagne now has menu rot so welp
  
• Day 33: Crazy Dave reckons I can't manage a x22 perfect combo just straight up no constraints re: food on menu or anything UH HUH UH HUH
  
• x70 COMBO PERFECT DAY IN YOUR FACE CRAZY DAVE
  
• (this is despite me having fed my Neko Atsume cats during the in-game afternoon; that was a fun beer pull...)
  
• Day 34: I have an inspection due so I daren't reintroduce the lasagne just yet...
  
• okay so when you occasionally have to "thumbs up" the instragram-esque photos your customers have taken in order to get bonus buzz, it makes them by combining a random pic of something on your menu with one of a set of captions and so today I liked two pics of beer tankards captioned "A++ would eat again"
  
• x63 COMBO PERFECT DAY
  
• Day 35: okay fine lasagne give me your worst
  
• x66 COMBO PERFECT DAY THAT WAS FUNDAMENTALLY NOT YOUR "WORST"
  
• Day 36: have I mentioned how amazing the spam mail in this game is yet
  
• Dennis and Leo have the best passive-agressive thing going on oh my goodness
  
• the fifth catering event is nachos and ice cream, the former of which I do not possess
  
• but I feel ready to tackle the one that features lasagne so here goes
  
• "I put out a survey for what kind of foods people wanted for our next Employee Appreciation Party, and the results are all over the place. So I'm mixing it up and giving them what they didn't ask for! It'll be great!" WELL THAT EXPLAINS WHY I'M SERVING CORNDOGS, PRETZELS AND LASAGNE AT THE SAME TIME
  
• oh my goodness that was *intense*
  
• but I served 36 people and made $900 holler holler serve lasagne get dollar
  
• I thought I could handle making burgers the daily special. I had forgotten how you can serve uncooked meat if you hit the wrong number key goddammit
  
• Day 37: the daily fortune I got in my spam this morning said that I should avoid eagles today - hell no...
  
• WHAT THE FUCK NACHOS HOW ARE YOU SO COMPLICATED
  
• NONE OF YOUR KEY BINDINGS MAKE SENSE
  
• well I mean pizza has two pages of ingredients too but at least they're labelled fairly nicely so guess I'm forking out for this instead
  
• uh I said that but it turns out I had not fully internalised the fact that sausage was M (for, um, meat, presumably?) but fortunately the fella who wanted sausage on his pizza came in at 11am so I literally had the time to sit there and figure it out
  
• thus I got a x72 COMBO PERFECT DAY
  
• Day 38: Crazy Dave wants to bet me $300 that I can't make more than $500 today (excluding tips) - this presumably also excludes the money I'm gonna make when I win this bet...
  
• days where I've got both beer and fried chicken on the menu are fun because after a while I start trying to serve beer with the P key
  
• beer key presses: hold down, then enter
  
• fried chicken key presses: hold down, then P, then enter
  
• SEE MY PROBLEM?
  
• anyway x71 COMBO PERFECT DAY
  

End of message.

Passes no rules

The Autoblow 5000. The worst meme we ever created.

Maybe even including Gogo Kiwi.

Look, Gogo Kiwi is bad. It'll be a close fight. And you're also forgetting voring Grandma's ashes. Anyway, passes rule 3.

Q?
Q?

Q?

Passes no rules!

What's up with haiku?
The theme recurs in contests
but not in my heart.

Unfortunately,
Haikus aren't a theme in this;
This passes no rules.

where does crazy dave get his money

Passes no rules!

to be so confident about making losing bets about sruix's impeccable restauranteurship

Passes no rules!

This is update #269.

• so uh I was going to stop but I JUST GOT MY SECOND STAR SO NOPE STOPPING IS NOT HAPPENING
  
• oh my goodness me look at my new beautiful restaurant
  
• WE HAVE BREAD ROLLS NOW
  
• AND SALT AND PEPPER SHAKERS
  
• THIS IS AMAZING
  
• goodbye pretzels and corndogs you will not be missed
  
• (worst $700 I've spent so far? well no the baked potato sure was a thing)
  
• Day 39: how do I deal with having 71% base buzz today
  
• (by having beer on the menu and reducing it to 68% I guess)
  
• (also purchasing fancier menus that might help)
  
• x86 COMBO PERFECT DAY MY POOR FINGERS
  
• I HAD 88% BUZZ COME THE EVENING
  
• Day 40: Crazy Dave wants me to get a x20 combo with beer on my active menu. I did more than four times that yesterday. This'll be a cinch.
  
• (he says, upgrading the ice cream and promptly freaking out at things like "all toppings except nuts and strawberry sauce" WOULD IT NOT HAVE BEEN QUICKER TO TELL ME THE FOUR TOPPINGS YOU ACTUALLY WANT)
  
• (it'll still be quicker than fried chicken though so I'll just have to tough it out)
  
• excEPT I FORGOT TO ACCEPT THE BET AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH
  
• (and, uh, predictably enough proceeded to fuck up the first new ice cream order welp)
  
• Day 41: so I would appear to have been signed up to Cook4Luv, "a program that partners up fantastic cooks with salivating diners"
  
• "You have chosen CATEGORY: CHEF LOOKING FOR LOVE, so you will receive emails from people looking for delicious dishes and romance!" uh
  
• that is the opposite way round to how this would have gone down irl just saying
  
• literally the only say I get in this is whether or not I want to date men xor women so uh
  
• (I can remember Nilesy getting a bit fed up with this too but I do believe it can be turned off and it only nets you bonus competition tickets so whatever)
  
• THE ICE CREAM UPGRADE WAS A MISTAKE
  
• Day 42: the new catering event is burgers and lasagne urgh
  
• ...so I have been propositioned by a chap named Mike who is a fan of burgers, a real burger aficionado, a proper burger devotee, totally addicted to burgers, absolutely 100% head-over-heels about hamburgers, cheeseburgers, steak burgers and veggie burgers. And, uh, presumably also about me. Eventually.
  
• ...yeah okay I guess I do need to practice burgers for catering after all
  
• now that pretzels are deemed too far below me to serve in such a classy establishment as mine I don't really have a good dessert option for when I don't want to have ice cream on the menu
  
• oh yeah the speciality foods list is a thing
  
• should I buy pancakes
  
• maybe tomorrow
  
• so at about 9:15am (in-game) my brain churned out the "meat grindr" pun and I have not been able to concentrate since it is nearly the lunchtime rush hour please send help and/or brain bleach
  
• WHY IS IT POSSIBLE TO START PLATING UP UNCOOKED BURGERS FUCKING HELL
  
• Mike came by in the afternoon, spewing hearts everywhere. He ordered a triple patty burger with bacon and cheese and then promptly left, presumably because I shouted at him about how busy I was what with the whole single-handedly running a restaurant thing
  
• (I am a true romantic)
  
• GOODNESS GRACIOUS ME
  
• so he texted me come the evening and we shot some blinding lines back and forth
  
• Consider the following exchange, initiated by Mike: "say something romantic" "I wanna to give you mucha smoocha" "wow you write words good"
  
• that is so much like me it's uncanny
  
• Day 43: the game is surprisingly sparse on details regarding what happened with Mike after I clocked off, given that steamy correspondence, and that's probably for the best
  
• looks like I'm not buying pancakes today because safety inspections are happening on days that are 3 mod 5 now jolly good
  
• note to self: the down key is not involved at any part of the salad preparation process, and specifically cannot be substituted for onions
  
• Day 44: today's fortune gives my animal to avoid as... the yeti
  
• oh huh Mike wants another date well
  
• Crazy Dave wants me to have both pizza and baked potatoes on my menu today, so he can go and do one
  
• hmm these are more like breakfast pancakes so I might actually pass on these for now (especially 'cause it's gonna be a rainy day so ice cream automatically gets a slot)
  
• Mike ordered a BLT-C today. How adventurous.
  
• fucking hell Mike you chose the worst goddamn time to text me SOMEONE'S BURGER CAUGHT ON FIRE
  
• Michael dear I'm not sure this is going to work out. It's not you, it's me. And my restaurant. That I'm running. By myself.
  
• Day 45: so I finally bought the fries because catering events and WHY IS SALT "A"
  
• huh it had been quite a while since I'd last overfilled a beer
  
• Day 46: Mike's coming again. Better cover the fire alarm, 'cause things are gonna get hot in here...
  
• (since I'm guaranteed to burn another burger if he texts me at such a dashed inconvenient hour once again)
  
• I ACCIDENTALLY STARTED PLATING ANOTHER UNCOOKED BUUUUUURGER
  
• Mike had the decency not to text me until 9pm tonight. He's learning.
  
• Day 47: okay turns out I have actually been signed up to a useful mailing list after all; the kickstarter-like cliknstart. There is no second c, apparently.
  
• I did the fries/sopapilla catering event and it was fairly dull (but hey, $625 is not to be sniffed at)
  
• (I have to do all seven events as part of the checklist for my third star so welp)
  
• in celebration I upgraded the fries all the way AND NOW THEY'RE SWEET POTATO FRIES THAT IS THE BEST
  
• x65 COMBO PERFECT DAY - SUCH IS THE POWER OF THE SWEET POTATO FRIES
  
• Day 48: Crazy Dave's current bet is to just literally serve 50 people that is not a challenge
  
• oh here we go
  
• yep Mike's enjoyed our time together, the burgers were great, blah blah blah, but he's moving out of town so here are some mysterious tickets his grandfather gave him
  
• honestly I am more than happy to exchange saccharine romantic gestures for shiny paper strips of a questionable nature
  
• uhhhhhh I put the ice cream on the menu because the forecast said rain and totally forgot I was due a safety inspection this is going to be fun
  
• NEVERMIND x54 COMBO PERFECT DAY that was surprisingly light on patrons for some reason BUT WHATEVER
  
• oh shit it's 4am
  

End of message.

Passes rules 3 and 5