Post making contest 5.0

2016: YEAR OF THE REBOOT

...but sadly, many reboots completely miss the point of the original and thus fail to fully recapture the original charm. Though they fit to the same formula, they won't necessarily produce the same results...

#1 - g0m
Post must precede a username with an Eagle Time smilie, and do so at least once.

#2 - Lankie Wrote:
Post must not include the letter "u".

#3 - Welcome to the Space Consortium
Post must include the letters "welcome", in that order, though they can be distributed throughout the post.

#4 - 1543 weird dogs
Post must include a prime number larger than the last prime number to feature in any post.

#5 - LUBRICATION
Post must include at least one word that was not used during Ix's first round.

(that is, all the rules are variants, over-literal interpretations or complete misses of the point of the rules that originally birthed five wonderful memes)

(the original ninefold hell used the exact original rules (e.g. "Post must include two or more different eagle time smilies", "Must use precisely four different vowels." etc. but posting the alphabet was going to fuck with the letter b 3008 times too much)

(I took some fairly brief notes in the spreadsheet which may be worth posting but I am tired)