The Official Fogel Writes Silly Things Thread

The Box

Once upon a time, there was a box.
There was a sign next to it that said "DO NOT OPEN THE BOX".
So the people saw the sign and said "Okay, we won't" and went on with their lives.
This made the box very lonely. It sat next to the sign for years and years wishing it could have a friend.
Finally, it let out a sigh.
"Why won't anyone be my friend?"
"I will!"
The box turned around, but didn't see anybody.
"Who said that?"
"Me!" replied the sign.
The box was surprised.
"I didn't know signs could talk!" it said.
"Well, I didn't know boxes could talk," replied the sign.
"Wow, I guess I should have said something earlier," said the box.
"Yeah, me too," the sign agreed. "It's silly that we were both right here all this time and never had a conversation."
There was a pause.
"So, uh, what do you want to talk about?" the box asked.
"I don't know," said the sign thoughtfully. "I guess I could ask why nobody's supposed to open you?"
"I don't know! You mean you don't know why that's painted on you?"
"Nope. No one told me."
There was another pause.
"I know!" said the box. "Let's go on a trip and find out why I'm not supposed to be opened!"
"All right! ROAD TRIP!"
And so the box and the sign went on a road trip. It lasted right until they found a car and realized that neither of them knew how to drive.
"Well, now what do we do?" asked the box.
"You could go to a movie," said the car. "I hear there's a new summer blockbuster coming out."
"Oh! Thanks for the idea!" the sign chimed in. "Um, do you know where the theater is?"
"Nope. Sorry," the car replied apologetically. "By the way, why shouldn't I open the box?"
"We don't know," the box and the sign said.
"Oh," said the car. "Let me know if you find out, then."
Suddenly, Santa Claus passed by.
"Ho ho ho!" Santa said. "So that's where the box went!" He looked at the sign. "Oh, drat. I forgot to write 'UNTIL CHRISTMAS' on it." He glanced at his watch. "Well, it's Christmas now! I guess I'll open it."
And so Santa opened the box. Inside was a DVD of the new hit movie.
"Wow! So that's what was inside!" the box said. "Can we watch it, Santa?"
"I don't see why not," Santa replied. He pulled a TV and a DVD player out of his sack and set them up.
Just as he was about to open the DVD case, though, there was a small high-pitched scream.
"Do you mind?" the DVD said. "I'm not ready yet!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," said Santa. "Let me know when you're done."
"Can I watch?" asked the TV. "I never get a chance to watch anything good."
"Man, you think you've got it rough," the DVD player grumbled. "I'm the one who has to do all the work."
"Yeah, well, you're both way too heavy," replied Santa's sack.
Santa sighed. Then his eyes suddenly widened.
"Wait a minute!" he shouted. "Boxes don't talk! Neither do signs, or cars, or DVDs, or television sets, or DVD players, or my bag of toys!"
"Really?" asked the box.
"That's right," Santa said. The box didn't reply.
"And come to think of it, I'm not even real!" Santa suddenly exclaimed. Then he vanished in a puff of logic.
A moment later, he reappeared.
"Oh, that's right!" he said with a laugh. "This is a story! Of course inanimate objects can talk and I can be real!"
"Yay!" said the box.
"Yay!" said the sign.
"Yay!" said the car.
"Yay!" said the DVD.
"Yay!" said the TV set.
"Yay!" said the DVD player.
"Yay!" said Santa's sack. "Wait, what are we cheering about?"
Nobody remembered. Then Santa had an idea.
"We must have been cheering because we were going to watch a movie!" he exclaimed. He put the DVD in the DVD player and turned it on.
They watched the movie. It wasn't that great.
"At least we didn't have to buy tickets," the car sighed afterwards.
"I'll try to get a better one next time," Santa apologized. "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!"
And then Santa got in the car and drove off.
"I thought it was June," said the sign. "Also, it's only early evening."
"Well, this is the best Christmas in June I've ever had!" the box declared. Everyone laughed.
And while all that was happening, a universe exploded.