Adventurers plops, ripe for the grabbing

Adventurers plops, ripe for the grabbing
RE: Adventurers plops, ripe for the grabbing
You have been surrounded by cloaked figures of red since birth. They follow you around everywhere. On your 18th birthday they have revealed their true appearances underneath the robes. Chocolate cakes with human eyeballs on the top of the candles and extremely long spider limbs!?

You are a turnip farmer disappointed with your lack of income. You have nothing good happening in your life. All you can dream about is buying a proper toilet for the household.

Baron Robber the robber baron has decided to arrest every surviving zoroastrian left alive after the great Prakhnumforfipicht.

You are a pirate with a shrimp and peanut allergy. Your wife has been taken to the sea of peanuts and shrimp. This is incredibly insulting for you because you also hate the formerly popular webcomic called Homestuck and the name of the sea keeps reminding you of it.

Souls are actually the sperm of gods. But wait that's not all of it! If a soul of anything is raised outside of a corporeal host body it matures into a weird insect monster that sprays magical chocolate syrup on you which grants you precognitive vision for a whole 7-day week. THE PROBLEM IS that you live in a world where a 9-day week is a seemingly natural thing, long ago it was foretold that you would die from uncertain doom and you have a sneaking suspicion that it is drawing closer and closer yet. You have acquired one of these divine soul insects and yet you simply have no idea on what day to use the magic syrup.
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