Consistency

Take 4 paragraphs and call me in the morning.

You decide to take your patient up on his editing offer, you need to get this article to the medical journal in just two days and you still have to manage your practice.

You give him four paragraphs to work with; they don't have any pertinent medical information, so if he's trying to learn your secrets and sell them to a pharmaceutical company, he won't get anything.

You tell him to call you in the morning with his suggested changes. Hopefully you'll finish on time.

You check your schedule as he leaves. You've got another patient waiting. Should you see them now, or keep them waiting a little bit and get some quick editing done first?

The bones.

The bones.

You don't know why, but for some reason, you decide that instead of taking one of the three treasure chests with you, instead you're going to take a pile of bones in the corner.

You quickly load them into your backpack, then rush out of the room before the boulder arrives. It crushes all three chests and whatever was inside them, and then it begins following you down the corridor.

Well, this is just great. How are you going to escape from that boulder? And what are you going to do with a bunch of old bones, anyways?

Chocolate. Oh, and planes.

Right, that's decided. The schools of magic you'll focus on are Chocolate and the Elemental Planes, in that order.

The registrar seems a bit bemused by your choices, but he nevertheless accepts your application. He puts it in a box, and then the box vanishes in a puff of smoke.

A moment later, the registrar takes off his hat and pulls a sheet of paper out of it.

"Well, they're mostly satisfied with your application," he says, reading over the paper. "But you weren't quite good enough to get in outright. They say you need to take a test first. I'll administer it right now."

That's a bit worrying. You weren't really prepared for a test. You wonder what it could possibly be.

The registrar soon answers your unspoken question by producing a deck of cards from his pocket. He fans the deck out and holds it in front of you.

"Here's your test. Pick a card. Any card."

Well, you heard him. Which card are you going to pick?

> Probably should have kept her around.

Aye, ye regret sellin' her. She was a good ship, she was.

But ye needed coin, and she was all ye had of any value. 'Twasn't an easy choice; ye could be a landlubber until ye found a new vessel, or ye could be poor.

But if ye hadn't sold her, ye'd be able to track down the island on yer newly-acquired treasure map without needin' to find yerself a new vessel. Aye, 'tis a shame, but ye cannot change the past.

Ye sigh, and put the map away in the folds of yer coat. 'Tis time ye worked out yer plan to claim this treasure. What will ye do?

I think you're pretty cute, for a tyrant.

You decide to try flirting with the Dark Lord Ergrathmitar. He is not amused.

"PITIFUL MORTAL," he screams at you. "I AM THE ABSOLUTE RULER OF THIS LAND. IF I TAKE AN INTEREST IN ANY MAN, WOMAN, OR BEAST, THEY WILL BE MINE WHETHER THEY WISH IT OR NOT. YOUR ATTEMPTS AT FLATTERY ARE PATHETIC."

You think he might be a little interested. What's your next line?

Your name is JOHN EGBERT.

It's settled. The name of your newly-formed secret society of assassins is JOHN EGBERT. You announce the news to your pupils at once.

One of them looks at you skeptically.

"Why, exactly?" he asks.

You glare at him. How dare he question your wisdom! He must be punished at once.

Just as soon as you think of what his punishment should be.

No, hedges!

Dammit! You mistook these guys for porkies, but they're actually hedges. That's why your last plan didn't work!

And the hedges don't like being misidentified. You're in big trouble here. They seem to be pretty annoyed at you.

They're advancing on you from all sides, driving you back towards the wall. You'd better think fast. How are you getting out of this one?

Your name is JOHN HODGMAN.

You look at the slip of paper in your hands. JOHN HODGMAN is the name of the horse you need to win.

Dang, those are some crazy odds on him. No wonder the boss called you in, they'll make a fortune. And so will you, if you don't get caught.

You decide that the first step is sabotaging the track subtly, so JOHN HODGMAN will have an advantage. But how are you going to do that?

Your name is JOHN CONNOR

Congratulations! You now own the name JOHN CONNOR! Everyone who has or uses that name now owes you royalties!

Unfortunately, a few weeks later the royalty payments dry up. Every JOHN CONNOR is now using a different name, like JIM CONNOR or JOHN CONNER. You've gotten about half of the funds you need for your spaceship in the process, but where are you going to get the rest?

Your name is JON STEWART.

Your name is JON STEWART, and you can never remember if you're a Jewish late-night comedian who focuses on politics, or a black man with a green power ring. This has been the source of much confusion in your life, especially because you're actually a taxi driver.

Anyhow, what are you going to do tonight? Will you drive your passenger to 37th street, make jokes about Mitt Romney, or fly into space to fend off the giant fiery snake that's currently devouring the sun?

Your name is J'ONN J'ONNZ.

Yes, that's the perfect alias. You will not tell the people of Earth that you are J'onn J'onnz, the Martian Manhunter; instead, you will tell them that you are J'onn J'onnz.

Wait. You have a strange feeling that won't quite work.

Oh well, obviously that's ridiculous. Now that you have a name, you begin filling out the paperwork for your new ID card. You hand it to the clerk, who stares at it.

"You sure you filled this out right?" he asks, raising an eyebrow at you. "Says here your ethnicity is Martian."

Oh, whoops. You meant to hide that. But you don't want to fill out that complicated form all over again, which is obviously what's going to happen if you say it was a mistake. What are you going to tell him?

Your names are JOHN LINNELL and JOHN FLANSBURGH

Oh, of course. How could you forget. Your name is JOHN LINNELL. Also, your name is JOHN FLANSBURGH.

Wait, how did you end up with two? You were pretty sure you were only supposed to have one.

Wait... Somebody else must have lost their name, and you must have accidentally picked it up! This could be a problem. You'd better track the nameless person down and return their name before something terrible happens.

But how are you even going to get started on that?

You are the champion and leader of the Johnstice League.

Ah, yes. The Johnstice League, the greatest heroes on the planet. And you are Greg, the leader.

You were going to call Edgar, Tom, Lisa, Sandy, Mary, and Phil to the meeting, but the Johnstice-Computer is acting up a bit. You'll only be able to call one of them, it seems, unless you can get the stupid thing fixed up.

So who should it be?

Hiccup.

Yes, of course! Your hiccuping powers will allow you to deflect the meteor with ease! You open your mouth wide and...

You can't hiccup!

Well, this is just great. All those years of embarrassing social situations, and now when you could actually use these super-hiccups, they won't come out. You'll have to try another of your superpowers, it seems. But which one?