Salamander Dan's Salamander Slam [it's skyrim]

Update 6, Part 2:

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SpoilerNow quite done with Mistwatch, Salamander Dan has to find somewhere else to get the last little bit of cheese he needs. One wheel will do, but sadly, he already took all the cheese in Shor’s Stone. Unless… Unless he can buy some! He does have money now, after all. Surely someone will be selling a respectable amount of cheese.



On the approach to Shor’s Stone, this weirdo appears out of nowhere, running full tilt at Salamander Dan. Dan glances behind him nervously, mentally preparing himself to run away from this strange man. But… Well, he doesn’t look dangerous. Probably not a warlock or whatever.

“I’ve been looking for you,” the man ominously announces when he gets close. “Got something I’m supposed to deliver - your hands only.”

Dan nervously accepts a letter, wondering who would even be writing to him. Homeowner’s association in the Pale? Angry tax collectors? Former lovers? Salamander Dan’s not sure he wants to know, but he can’t just live in the dark like that. Carefully, he unfolds the letter, looking over its contents.



Now what even is this garbage. “Riches beyond imagining”? “I’ve heard great things about you?” Salamander Dan smells bullshit of the highest caliber. He’s done, like, one thing in his life that could even be considered heroic, and that was just a distraction from his cheese-hunting! Dan doesn’t trust this letter for one second. It’s obviously just a ploy by Terriblix to capture Salamander Dan again! The letter even smells like Terriblix - the smell of garlic and regret.

Dan rips the letter in half right in front of the courier and tosses it on the ground. Take that, Terriblix.

That done, Salamander Dan hits up both shops in town, finding exactly one cheese wedge for sale in the inn. ...Well, it’s something, right? He buys it up.

Dan fails to realize that they’re probably out of cheese because he stole it all from their shelves already.

Anyway, that was a bust. Dan wonders if there might be any more cheese in town, locked away in… peoples’ houses. He knocks on some doors, but doesn’t get an answer. He probably has to make friends with someone before they’ll let him in their house, or something. Well, then, only one thing to do.



Busy work!

…

Dan doesn’t have an axe. So much for that. He asks around town, but only hears about trouble in the local mine. The mine! Miners need to eat, right? Maybe they’re keeping cheese down there. He doesn’t really hear the miners when the mention “giant spiders”, his mind far too focused on dairy products.



Yup, those sure are spiders! The air in here is also a deep red. Probably some unhealthy and toxic gases seeping from the earth. Staying in here seems like a terrible idea, but Dan makes a quick run around the mine, digging through barrels while dodging freezing-cold venom.

Against all odds, he finds a woodcutting axe lying deep in the mine. There is absolutely no wood to cut in the mine.

...Okay, sure!



Good god.

Dan murders about a dozen chunks of wood with his new axe, and turns around only to find that Urfid is nowhere to be seen.

What a waste of time! Dan puts away the axe and walks away in disgust. He starts talking to random townsfolk, seeing if any of them have anything they need help with that doesn’t involve mass murder. Everyone in Skyrim always wants you covered in other people’s blood before they’ll pay you.



Well, this is promising! Dan inquires about Darkwater Crossing, discovering that it’s another town nearby. Sylgja’s parents live there or something, and she’s too sick to make the journey there. She looks perfectly healthy to Salamander Dan, but who knows in Skyrim? She asks Dan to deliver a package to her parents, a task Dan accepts. Hey, a new town will probably have plenty of cheese in it, right? Might as well get paid to go there, too.



It’s right up here, too. Somehow Salamander Dan failed to notice it before. Maybe it was over past that bridge he didn’t want to go over? Oh well, time to find out.



Taking a roundabout path over the mountain, Dan makes a startling discovery - an abandoned archaeological dig, possibly, centered around a mysterious wall covered in words Dan can’t read, There are also pictures of what may or may not be dragons around it, but as everyone knows, dragons went extinct millions of years ago. Maybe it’s an ancient natural history museum? That makes sense.


The inexplicable skeletons that pop out next also make sense - after all, Akatosh is also the patron deity of paleontology. That’s why he’s sometimes depicted as a dragon. Anyway, Salamander Dan beats these skeletons apart, having no more trouble than last time. He then takes a closer look at the wall.



As Dan approaches, ominous chanting fills the air. The world goes dark as a particular word on the wall begins to glow brighter and brighter, wisps of magical energy seeming to beckon Dan closer.

Dan walks away.



On the other side of the mountain… running water. Dan shudders involuntarily. Good thing the town is on the same side as he is.



And here we are! Darkwater Crossing, a town every bit as tiny and dirty as Shor’s Stone. And with a similar population of about 10. Salamander Dan wonders if this really even counts as a town. There were more people in that bandit camp he just looted.



Dan finds one Verner Rock-Chucker, Sylgja’s ridiculously-named father. He gives him the package, and Mr. Chucker immediately shoves another one in his hands, asking him to deliver it back to Sylgja. Dan wonders how you’re even supposed to pronounce “Sylgja”.

Instead of running back to Shor’s Stone like an errand boy, Dan ducks into the local inn, finding it to be… literally identical to the one in Shor’s Stone.





No, seriously. The exact same cheese wheels…



The exact same basket of potatoes (+8% speed!)...




The only real difference is the innkeeper himself, though he does have an appropriately ridiculous name. Dan decides to sell “Ulfvidr” some of his useless junk to get a little extra cash.

And… we’ve got enough cheese! More than enough, with all the clone cheese in this place. Dan looks around town for an alchemy lab, before realizing that no one in any of these small towns even knows what alchemy is. Well, no matter. Dan read a book! He knows how to build his own alchemy set in a pinch. He rents a room from Elf Deer and sets to work.



Perfect. Salamander Dan gets alchemizing, as Danny Elfman watches through the distinct lack of a door.



And finally… it’s done. A key fit for the gods. The greatest of cheesemakers would weep at its beauty. No door can stand in Salamander Dan’s way now. As long as that door is the door to Mzulft, because Dan is pretty sure the cheese key isn’t going to fit any other door. Finally, the path to science is laid out before him. Destiny awaits. Terriblix, your days are numbered!

...Well, your days of controlling Salamander Dan. It’s not like Dan is going to kill him or anything.

Before we head to Mzulft, though… What should we spend our perk point on?