Salamander Dan's Salamander Slam [it's skyrim]

Update 6, Part 1:

Oh also for ease of thread-loading/reading the latest update can you stick the meat of the updates in a spoiler? I keep loading the thread to look at the latest post and then have to scroll down for 3 minutes as all the images load and push the page downwards.

I have done so!

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Spoiler

We need to put the point into ALCHEMY, the most science of skills
Maybe we can make some health potions + sneakiness potions, no?

To break into Mzulift, we must alchemize a key out of cheese. 50 cheese shall be the price for entrance!

Of course, it’s so simple! Dan, calling upon everything he learned from reading a book that one time, comes up with the PERFECT PLAN to secure his freedom! All he’ll need… is cheese.

(I forgot to get a screenshot of the skill screen, but I put a perk into Alchemy.)



Here’s where we stand on the cheese situation. Taking wedges as the basic unit of cheese (because there’s no way I’ll find 50 cheese wheels in this small part of the world), the basic math is thus: 1 cheese wheel = 2 sliced cheese = 4 cheese wedges. By that metric, crammed into Dan’s seemingly-endless pockets is 3 wheels, 5 sliced, and 7 wedges, or 29 cheese. We’re already more than halfway there! This’ll be a piece of cake. Or maybe cheese.



First, though, Dan decides he needs to put his newfound alchemical knowledge to use. By… actually doing some alchemy, maybe. Dan immediately taste-tests every single ingredient he’s carrying, because he can’t afford books or something. Yes, that includes the full pair of deer antlers he picked up a while back. Eats ‘em right down. Good on you, Salamander Dan.



As Dan is hit with about thirty status effects at once, he reflects that, maybe, this wasn’t the best course of action. Oh well. Too late!

Head spinning from eating a dozen distinct varieties of poisonous flower, Dan runs back toward Mistwatch. He’s not entirely sure why he would ever think this is a good idea, but it’s a huge fort crawling with bandits. And if Dan knows anything about bandits, it’s that they. Fucking. Love. Cheese.

Dan doesn’t know anything about bandits.



As he dodges past a pack of wolves, practically a routine at this point, Dan notices an odd, bloody shrine he didn’t see last time. The moment he draws near, naturally, a bunch of skeletons pop out of nowhere. Dan’s first instinct is to run, as always, but his stamina is sapped nigh-instantly in the burning-hot sun. The skeletons are just faster than he is!



Only one choice, then: fight. It’s not like skeletons are sentient creatures or anything, so this doesn’t really go against Dan’s moral compass. It just goes against his coward compass. Dan raises his fists, emits a high-pitched scream, and thwacks a skeleton in the face. It falls apart immediately, bones spilling all over the ground. Dan grabs its fancy sword and shoves it in his pockets, then gets another arrow in the face. An archer!

Salamander Dan, still yelling out in terror, runs at the skeleton archer and flails his arms at it, knocking it to bits. It’s a wonder those bones could hold together enough to even hold a bow. Well, it’s Dan’s bow now.

Turns out it’s actually really easy to only get weapons in this game as random loot. Just not good weapons.



Looks like it’s a shrine to another of the divines - Akatosh, god of skeletons. That would explain a lot of things about this region, actually. No doubt this shrine is related to the skeleton ruin just down the hill, too. Dan feels a pang of guilt, wondering if the skeletons are the rightful inhabitants of this land. What if he’s just encroaching? What if they are sentient?

Nah, that’s probably ridiculous. Akatosh is a weirdo. Dan makes a point of not praying to him. He does, however, flip through a book he finds on the shrine: “Breathing Water”, by Haliel Myrm. Salamander Dan, being an amphibian, has no use for this knowledge whatsoever, but learns some fascinating tidbits about non-Argonians and what happens when they breathe water.

They die, usually.

Somehow, this knowledge gives him a boost to Alteration. Yay?



...These weirdos are still here. It’s been several days. Dan steers clear, marching up to the gates of Mistwatch.

Well, no, not yet. Dan at least waits until nighttime, reading through “Breathing Water” about three more times. It’s the only book he owns. It’s a terrible book. But after eight entire hours of sitting around, the sun finally sets, and Dan is able to approach properly. He feels an intense hunger, his vampiric powers growing ever stronger. He starts forgetting his fear of everything in the world, filled with a hunger he can’t satiate. Maybe it’s better if he doesn’t. He’ll need all the nerve he can get for this next mission.



There’s still a lookout up there. Dan levels up his sneaking as he creeps closer, but against all odds, he’s immediately seen and the guard raises the alarm. Salamander Dan dives behind a rock, cowering for his life and forgetting everything about “hunger” and “nerve” instantly. Fortunately, the guards aren’t too bright, and they immediately forget about him and go back to whatever it is they were doing. Dan opts to sneak around the wall, finding a convenient hole in it no one’s bothering to guard.

The physics engine bugs out, and I spend about five minutes trying to push Dan over a smallish rock in the way. But perseverance wins the day, and Dan makes it inside!



Ah, familiar territory. Same old lookout he failed so shamefully to knock out last time. He won’t make the same mistake again. He raises his fists, and… is immediately spotted and has to run off and hide again. But when he sneaks back in a SECOND time and tries once more, his fists finally connect with the back of the guard’s head, knocking her out cold!

Dan hates to have to do this, but it’s the most humane way he can deal with people without killing them! Besides, they’ll be back up and completely concussion-free in ten minutes. It’s a secret technique known only by Salamanders like Dan. Completely injury-free, really! Can’t even cause real ha-



…

I’m sure she’ll be fine.

Dan takes the opportunity to search through her belongings, looting an amethyst and some weapons. He checks her pulse, breathes a sigh of relief, and creeps away before he has a chance to realize he’s not a doctor.



Dan waits a while for his chance, then knocks out this patrolling guard, too. Unfortunately, he’s noticed this time, by basically everyone else in the fort’s courtyard. Without any other choice, he leaps from the wall and performs the classic Salamander Dan “run like hell and scream” escape maneuver!

The guards pursue him all the way down to Skeleton Island. This time, Dan says a traditional prayer to Akatosh:

“O Great and Powerful Akatosh, deliver unto me your bony servants, that they may lend their most spooky aid in my hour of need.”

Exactly zero skeletons show up, as Dan realizes he’s also not a priest. Akatosh is dumb. This is dumb. Dan just springs back up to Mistwatch, hiding outside as the guards continue searching around Skeleton Island.



It works perfectly. The guards saunter back to Mistwatch at a walking pace, leaving the fort totally undefended. Dan slinks upstairs, lowers the drawbridge, and waltzes right on in through the front door. You finally did something right, Salamander Dan. Don’t screw this up now.



Inside! Salamander Dan breathes in the musty, desaturated air. Now, there must be cheese around here somewhere. Just have to find out wh-

“You - over here, quick,” a voice calls from around a corner, from someone who couldn’t possibly be aware of Dan’s presence. “Before any of them show up!”

Maybe this guy’s just been shouting this to the open air every few minutes just in case someone shows up? Who knows.



Who the hell is this. He’s not a bandit. He’s dressed in the same clothes as every farmer in the entirety of Skyrim, so… he’s probably a farmer, who somehow managed to get past security without Salamander Dan’s secret techniques. He’s not a even a Salamander!

“Stendarr’s mercy - you aren’t one of them. Please, you’ve got to help me!” he yells at Dan’s approach, loud enough to alert any bandit in a fifty-foot radius. Somehow none of them notice. Maybe this guy just lives here, and tries to give quests to random bandits.

“What’s going on?” Dan asks, utterly baffled. He’s not sure if he should keep his voice down or not.

“It’s my wife, Fjola! I think she’s being held in this tower,” he yells at the top of his lungs.

“C...calm down,” Dan says, getting nervous about all this shouting. “Just tell me what happened.”

“I’m sorry, I just… you’re right,” Christer says, lowering his voice to the level of that guy who talks on his cell phone too loudly and annoys everyone in the room. “Let me explain. Fjola, my wife, left the farm on errands and never came back. It’s been months, blah blah blah the bandits are ransoming captives life story blah blah.”

He goes on to claim to be no warrior, asking Dan to do his work for him. Because the unarmed and ridiculously-dressed Salamander Dan totally looks like a warrior, I guess. Dan presses him for information, and he reveals he actually has no idea if she’s here. Great.

Dan says he’ll keep an eye out. “Thank you!” he shouts louder than ever, spittle spraying all over Dan’s relatively-clean shirt.



I guess we have a quest now? Dan decides he might as well look for some lady who is either not here or is nothing but a skeleton now. If she’s still alive, maybe she knows where some cheese is.

In the meantime, Dan creeps around Christer’s terrible hiding place, looting a couple potions and a soul gem from the bookshelf. He also finds a chest, but surprise surprise, it requires lockpicks he doesn’t have.



Normally I like to leave perk choice up to audience selection, but given the circumstances, I went ahead and bought the second rank of Sneak Mastery to help out in here. I also increased stamina again, for ever-better Running Away skills. Perfect.



Dan creeps across an empty, cheese-less room, passing a few uncomfortable-looking bedrolls sprawled all over the place. Even though it’s night time, it doesn’t look like anyone here actually ever sleeps. He creeps up the stairs, and very narrowly avoids stepping right on a bear trap. For literally no discernable reason, there are a bunch of armed bear traps scattered on the floor halfway across the stair. Salamander Dan stops to wonder how many hapless bandit recruits have stepped on them on their first day on the job.

Dan employs the services of the ever-trusty Best Friend to disarm each and every bear trap. Just to be sure. Best Friend, surprisingly tough for a bucket, comes out of it unscathed.



Salamander Dan’s shedanigans are brought to a premature end, though, when a bandit pops out from behind the wall, walking down the stairs at a worrying pace. Somehow, he doesn’t even notice Dan standing right here. Looks like all those sneaking lessons actually did something to help. The patrolling bandit soon turns his back and heads back up the stairs. You know what comes next, folks.



THUNK.

Guy goes down in one swing. Dan digs through his pockets and finds 4 gold pieces. Well, it’s something. He creeps on into the next room, noticing another bandit hunched over an alchemy station. Uncomfortable memories flood into Salamander Dan’s head at the sight. He knows exactly what to do.



FWUMP.

Dan realizes she was probably just trying to mix up some potions for her friends, but you can never be too careful. Besides, she’ll be fine. They’ll all be fine.

Dan digs through her pockets and finds a spell tome: “Flesh of My Flesh”! What a weird and creepy name for a spell. It transfers the caster’s health into a summoned minion, which seems… kind of inconvenient and dangerous, but okay. He takes it with him, then slinks around looking for more treasure. He finds a magical helmet and 48 gold pieces! Hooray!

He climbs up a rickety old ladder onto the roof, and is immediately accosted by a mage. They must’ve heard him knocking out their friend. Dan dives back into the room.



But she follows, knocking him to the ground with an “annoying wind” spell. Dan clambers back to his feet, and, having no options left, resorts to the only distraction he can think of. He walks toward the bandit, posing like a runway model while seductively licking a wedge of moldy cheese with his freakishly long salamander tongue.



The bandit is frozen in complete and utter horror, unable to even form a coherent thought in her brain. Nothing escapes her lips but monosyllabic non-sequiturs, a lifetime of creative threats and magical insults gone in one horrifying instant.

Dan, satisfied with his work, goes outside. He walks across a precarious balcony and into another door, ascending ever higher in this cold, dark tower. With any luck, the next tower will be as sparsely-populated as the last one.



YEAH, UH, IT’S NOT.

Dan tries walking back out the door, but on walking back in, they’re all still right there. Well, that’s not going to work, and he’s all out of seductive power now. Thank god for that.

So, Salamander Dan does what Salamander Dans do best. He runs off, shrieking stealthily up the stairs.



Somehow, crouching in the bright light at the top of the stairs is Dan’s most effective hiding place yet. Not a single bandit manages to find him before they end their alert and go back to business like nothing happened. Dan takes a moment to catch his breath, and to realize that another set of clothing is totally ruined by his own blood. It’s a good thing he has a never-ending supply of it.

Now, the way forward is right next to him, but… Salamander Dan is absolutely positive he passed a lot of cheese as he ran screaming through the tower. And he’s not leaving until every crumb of that cheese is stuffed into his bloody intangible pockets.



Salamander Dan gets to the first wheel of cheese without incident. But there’s definitely more. He didn’t even see this one on the way up. So onward he goes.


A Game of Thrones reject with a tree trunk glued to his back walks right by Salamander Dan, none the wiser. Dan, with all the jollity of a blood-stained Santa Claus, dances and prances right up to him and bludgeons him on the head.



It’s like Christmas morning.







Okay, that…

That’s not really what Christmas is like at all, Dan. Not even in Skyrim. Salamander Dan, mind in a vampirism-induced yuletide haze, knocks every single person in the tower out with unexpected brutal efficiency.



Salamander Dan comes to, realizing that all the guards are unconscious now. He grabs a note off a nearby table, and discovers that the bandits beat some lady they kidnapped to death.

Welp, so much for Fajita or whatever her name was. Dan wonders if he should bother delivering the bad news.

…

Nah, not yet. There’s still more cheese to be plundered from this tower, probably. He’ll tell him on the way out.



Dan momentarily wonders why they locked the cell door again after the lady was clearly dead, but just as he starts drawing conclusions about Terriblix’s influence in this part of the world, he notices the mother lode of cheese on the opposite shelf. Three wheels and a wedge? It’s like Christmas morning, again! Another Christmas. Time passes really fast in Skyrim.

He also finds 50 gold and a stamina potion in a nearby chest, and a “Long Taffy Treat” coiled up, unwrapped, on a dirty table. Must be Dan’s lucky day.



Another tower conquered. Just one more to go. Dan pauses on this precarious balcony to catch his breath, and to pose like Batman. It’s certainly ugly and desaturated enough for that. Let’s just hope he doesn’t do anything rash. It’ll be hard to get a new Salamander Dan.

Dan soon becomes lucid enough to remember what he was doing, and creeps into the next tower. As he slinks silently forward and grabs a purse of 21 gold, a voice comes out of absolutely nowhere.



This inadequately-dressed lady pops out from the same nowhere her voice came from, face painted up like a ketchup factory exploded in her face.

“All right, snowback. Who are you, and what are you doing in my tower?” she asks, teeth chattering from her lack of a shirt in fucking Skyrim.

“Stand aside, woman. I’m here for Fjola!” Dan apparently says, because literally the only dialogue option apparently involves shouting like a vaguely-sexist action hero, I guess. Dan definitely doesn’t actually say that.

The bandit leader, lips turning blue, demands to know how Salamander Dan knows that name. Oh, whoops, haha, Fjola is the leader of the bandits. Of course. Dan tries to ignore the icicles forming from her nostrils and asks how he’s supposed to complete this quest now. Fjola gives him a frigid wedding band that she still had around for some reason, and asks Dan to get rid of him. Dan tries to ask where the cheese is, but she’s already walked away.



Well, uh. Progress?

Dan digs around Fjola’s bedroom, finding a few potions and another book for his growing collection: “Hallgerd’s Tale”, by Tavi Dromio. A Quixotic tale of a man name Hallgerd, and his misadventures while wearing a comically oversized suit of armor across Tamriel. Dan’s Heavy Armor skill increases, as he learns that he should never, ever put on heavy armor. Or armor at all, for that matter.

Finding no cheese or anything else of worth, Dan walks back outside to the balcony. He realizes he has to get all the way back down to the bottom to tell Christer that his wife was beaten to death by bandits or whatever. Dan, just go down the stairs. Dan, no. Dan that wall is way too high.



DAN NO



A sickening crunch rings out as Dan lands right on his legs, fracturing his leg bones in several places. Good thing he’s a vampire, or that would takes weeks to heal.

He’s not down to the bottom yet - there’s still a big drop down to the drawbridge. Not like it’s a big problem, it’s just a few stairs to get back to the



Oh okay no that’s fine.

Dan’s legs actually break this time, and he very nearly dies on impact. It’s this event that finally snaps Dan back to the reality that he isn’t a superhero. He’s just a cowardly salamander man, whose legs now have a few extra joints in them. He chugs several healing potions and watches as his legs instantly snap back into place, good as new. The now-conscious guards definitely notice this, but they’re too afraid to actually say anything, I think.

Dan ducks back inside of the tower, rushing over to meet up with Christer.



There he is, standing exactly where we left him, making no attempt to hide whatsoever.

“What news? Why isn’t Fjola with you?” he demands at the top of his lungs.

“I, uh, found this ring, but…” Dan wracks his brain to think of a devious lie. Something to drive him away, to get back on with his life. “...Not… her?”

Brilliant.

“Her marriage band? Then there’s hope - she was here!” Christer bellows, dust falling from the ceiling. Salamander Dan coughs involuntarily. “I have to move on if i want to find her. Please, take the coin I promised. Blessings of Stendarr on you!”

Salamander Dan nods politely, his ears ringing too much to hear what Christer’s saying now. Christer sprints off toward the front door, making no attempt to be sneaky, and disappears into the night. Somehow, he instantly warps past all the guards and is gone forever. Probably removed from the game entirely, or knocked into the stratosphere by that one giant.



I’ll be honest, I didn’t actually notice this quest objective until I was picking screenshots for this update. So… I didn’t go back to Fjola after the fact. Just as well, since she doesn’t have cheese or anything anyway. Dan’s cleared the place out already, and he’s had quite enough of this bandit business. He runs out the door, across the drawbridge, and right past the now-conscious and perfectly healthy wall guards.



Off he goes. Mission successful! Kind of. A lot of bandits chase him, but he’s used to running for his life at this point. He escapes into the night effortlessly.



Final count! Seven wheels, five sliced, and eight wedges. That makes 46 cheese total! Just gotta scrounge up a little more, and then… we’re Mzulft-bound. Assuming Salamander Dan actually knows what he’s doing, and he’s not just trying to cram a bunch of cheese wheels into an ancient keyhole.