Official Hawksquawk podcast thread (latest: ep 11)

THIS TOOK ME THREE FOUR MONTHS

so yeah if you have a spare fifty-three minutes and want to spend it listening to me read like half of fucking Hawkspace over backing tracks I absolutely do not have the rights to use while a tenuous and not exactly complete storyline fails to run between the segments then boy do I have the perfect thing for you

Official Hawksquawk Podcast Episode [REDACTED]

(just to reiterate it is 53 MINUTES LONG proceed carefully)

(and this is strictly speaking part one because at some point I am going to compile all the outtakes and bonus bits that didn't quite make the cut (e.g. the end of the story) into another thirty-five minute monstrosity that Ix has full permission to constantly nag me about)

CREDITS

SpoilerShow

[intro]
"Vibration Ruling The Nation" by Liquid Stranger
"Can You Transform?" by Bombay Monkey
"Hallo From Berlin" by High Frequency Bandwidth

[story 1]
"Your Day in the Sun" by Gel-Sol (also story 2)

POETRY RECITAL https://eagle-time.org/showthread.php?tid=1016
"Zoetrope" by Boards of Canada
"Sunday Morning" by Malcolm Middleton & David Shrigley

HOROSCOPES https://eagle-time.org/showthread.php?tid=1522
"Adventures in a Miniature Landscape" by Belbury Poly

[story 2]
SPACE CONSOTRIUM https://eagle-time.org/showthread.php?tid=1482
"Passing of Time" by The Orb
"O.O.B.E" by The Orb
"Experiment Number Six" by Lemon Jelly

[story 3]
"Amulls" by Pan-American (also story 4 & story 5)

POSITIVITY SEGMENT https://eagle-time.org/showthread.php?tid=1072
"Willowy" by Isan

[story 4]
PUZZLER'S CORNER https://eagle-time.org/showthread.php?tid=1471
"Rusted Dress Up" by Aeroc

[story 5]
"Ultimate Care II Excerpt Five" by Matmos

SCREETEK PRODUCTS https://eagle-time.org/showthread.php?tid=925
"Oozla - Megacorp Store" by David Bergeaud
"High Together" by Siriusmo

[story 6]
"Toton" by Jan Jelinek (also story 7)

LISTENER INTERACTION https://eagle-time.org/showthread.php?tid=1656
"Autumn Plains" by Stewart Copeland
"Pebbles" by The Orb

[story 7]
SEND IN SOME PICTURES https://eagle-time.org/showthread.php?tid=877
"Re:turn!" by Nonkeen

[story 8]
"Dave And Allison" by Casey LaLonde

[outro]
"Everyone Alone" by People Like Us & Wobbly
"Nervous Tension" by Lemon Jelly

There are also a heck of a lot of samples from the phenomenal freesound.org in here - pretty sure I opted for Creative Commons Zero ones throughout, but for reference here are their sample numbers (I could/should edit in all the links at some point):

59285 - Needle Drop
59289
59558
67360
98082
104911
119480
135871
164432
171494
218456
219242
223306
233926
256770
261225
263802
268916
269379
322423
337736
349357

TRANSCRIPT

SpoilerShow

Hmm, let's see. Uhh. What's the best way to explain? I got it! Imagine that this (SQUAWK), is part of the total picture.

Hello there, uh, who's calling?
(SQUAWK)
Oh, right, yes, of course. Haha, took you look enough, didn't it? Anyway, um, gimme a second, I'll just get it, um, oh yes, this button:

-~-~

Hello everyone, and welcome to episode number ### of the Official Hawksquawk Podcast. As always, I am your host, the wonderful bundle of nerves, dreams and general self-loathing that collectively make up Sruixan, and I am coming to you live from a bunker of questionable construction, deep in the heart of an island whose name I dare not mention. A river flows alongside me. It is deadlier than it looks. Many things are.

Now, as I'm sure all of you who tune in regularly are aware, a bunker of questionable construction is not my normal studio. Far from it, in fact, and yes, yes I am far from it. Last night, I went to bed at the perfectly sensible time of 6:28am, and upon waking I found myself not ensconced in my cosy cocoon, but sprawled uncomfortably on a cold concrete floor. That came as a bit of a surprise, I must say. A little investigation of my surroundings only confirmed my initial suspicions, and I'm afraid to say it's not all fine and dandy. I know where I am. I know why this bunker exists, where the trapdoor beneath me leads, why there's a washing machine lurking menacingly in the corner over there. To be frank, listeners, it's a slight bother. I had things I was planning to do today, like wasting milk, and making this broadcast... fortunately, one of the... few upsides of finding myself where I am is that I was able to get my hands on some audio equipment without too much hassle, by which I mean I very narrowly avoided being seen and am now increasingly convinced its absence has already been noted. Still, there are a great many things we must sacrifice in the name of podcasting, and my safety is one of them.

I hope that the content I have assembled for this episode finds you well, and if not, then I hope it brightens your day, in a figurative way. I would not be so presumptive as to brighten your day in a literal sense, because I understand that you may not want that, especially if you are currently cowering in the dark and are frantically trying to stifle the constant glow from your broken flashlight in order to avoid detection. I can relate to that. No, I'm, I'm more than willing to settle for just making you happy, really, um... not even making you laugh - again, that might be dangerous. But anyway, I should stop rambling and actually get on with the show!

Our first item this evening is Poetry Corner! As in, the poetry I have in my hands here, and the corner with the washing machine in it! I've got a pair of marvellous verses from the equally marvellous Reyweld that I'd like to read to you all, and the first is called:

-~-~

Ode to yo fucking but.
your ass is the bees seesaw,
Pre$ent, desirable, taken.
others need Shredded fucknuggets
way well wanted Norse Slate, not rigid zone of Xylophone
surely some Totalitarian Would steal yee queer Whale
jesus, Eat Horse fillet so THE PRESIDENT will be able to FACE yo accommodation.
Billgates? bad. Goblin? better. you? TRIPLE THAT
Maybe my thread used to BEE about words
but now; hello Hoothoot!

my mistake is in THE Communism, chumpstick.
longingly RISE to equal ass
but fuck, It's gr8 to abuse the distribution
edge Quietly and abandon THE equal
change to capitals,
snake the fucksicles.

don't mistake This Advertisement for absolute rules
desire THE but, but know the GUY
cheap isn't better; thought and time above FACE and ass
yo GUY, 1 Vocaloid more:
1 but is better than a kart of ass.

-~-~

I feel... I feel moved, in a way I, I just can't explain. There are no words for it, really, because Reyweld's stolen them all. Yeah. Now, the other poem I'd like to read for... oh, yep, may be short, but it sure packs a punch. Are you sitting comfortably? Are you standing passably? Are you crouched furtively? Then good, because here comes the:

-~-~

songs of dongs
dongs dongs dongs dongs.
dongs bongs; dongs gongs.
schlongs dongs bongs dongs gongs, (Quietly) songs dongs.
of dongs and gongs, schlongs bongs now.

hawkspace, FACE my bad!!!

-~-~

I think that, after that, we can all agree that there's something truly ineffable about Reyweld's way with words. Absolutely astonishing stuff there. If you enjoyed it, well then boy do I have a treat for you! Poetry is not the only field to which Reyweld has turned his talents, and it's my honour to read for you now an excursion of his into the field of astrology... in the form of this week's horoscopes. Listen carefully. You'll never know what the future holds, unless you pay attention, and surely you want to avoid any nasty surprises now, don't you? I thought as much.

-~-~

Aries (March 21 - April 19):
You are going to have a great week. The stars are rewarding you for your inherently good nature and looks. No point in stressing about the mirror you are going to break, the stars have got you covered.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20):
You came from the earth, and to the earth you will return. Be wary of any large creatures stalking you to your home; this time, they want more than your left socks.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20):
Don't take up a career in politics. If you are currently single, you are very lonely. If you are not single, you will be shortly.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22):
The stars know what you did in the dark. They will to punish you. Run.

Leo (July 23 - August 22):
You will pass a penny on the ground today. If you pick it up, a windfall of illicit substances will be discovered. If you see it, but don't pick it up, your condition will worsen (I hope you like the smell of dead rodent). If you walk by it obliviously, you will also walk past the rest of the money in the wallet, as well as the body.

Virgo (August 23 - September 21):
Love is in your future. A lawsuit is also in your future.

Libra (September 23 - October 22):
Pick a religion and pray. Not even the stars can help you now.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21):
What's black and white and red all over? The street. Oh god, so much red. So, so much red.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21):
The monster in your closet is affecting your dreams. The block in your creative energies will be forcefully removed. Expect some cramping in the torso region.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19):
Left. Left. Left. Right. 45°09'35.4"N, 24°38'27.8"E. Good luck.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18):
Another boring day in your boring life. There isn't much point in getting up this week, so cancel everything and stare at your ceiling for days.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20):
The next Sunday you spend on a beach will be your last. If you are single, expect a long-form census in the mail.

-~-~

An update now on... well, my situation. About halfway through Leo you may well have heard an unsettling sound. I don't know, exactly, since this is not my normal equipment and I haven't had the chance to check the specifications of this microphone. I know, I know, it's so terribly unprofessional of me to have not even bothered testing this equipment that I went to all that trouble to steal, but look, I'm not in the best of states right now, I'd like to think I can be afforded a tinsy-wincy little bit of leeway? I'm, rambling again... sorry, right... what that noise means is that I can most likely get back downstairs now. That is a good thing. I would like to get out of here, and I know which way out is... I think. But in order to make an attempt at escaping, I am going to have to go incommunicado for a few minutes. Don't worry; I shan't leave you without anything to listen to! See, I was asked to do some reading for yet another advertising campaign recently, although they didn't exactly call it that? I, I think they were trying get my attention if I'm honest; I get a lot of requests to do adverts, I'm sure you can imagine, and I'd like to think they were just trying to differentiate themselves from all the usual tripe. It's a good thing too. I liked the script they'd sent me so much I agreed to read it for them! And fortunately, I keep my flash drive full of important recordings in my hair at all times, even while sleeping, so I am more than able to leave you now with their "recruitment program". Bless 'em, eh? Ah god, where is it? ...there it is!

-~-~

W-WELCOME TO THE SPACE CONSOR-TI-UM ALL SKY ALL SKY OBEY THE RULES THE RULES THE RUTHERRRRRRRRRRALLSKYBOATSALLSKYSKYSKYSKYSKY

"Welcome to the Space Consortium. This is Test #3."
Buddy sat down next to the 1543 weird dogs and waited for the test to go through. He didn't know what they were testing, but if it got him into the Space Consortium, he could put up with a lot.
After all, if he were a card-carrying member of the Space Consortium, people would take him seriously.
"Try a haiku," Weird Dog #1234 whispered to him. "I hear they like haiku here at the Space Consortium."
So Buddy decided to think up a haiku.
"This is a haiku
Buckle Up Mother Fucker
Refrigerator"
he announced.
The weird dogs applauded.
"Welcome to the Space Consortium. This is Test #4," said the intercom.
So he'd passed another test. Probably. He wasn't actually getting results, just new tests.
Unfortunately, this time no weird dogs were whispering to him. He was starting to wonder what they were even doing here at the Space Consortium. Were they supposed to be giving him hints? Were they taking the tests too?
What if one of the weird dogs had passed the test while Buddy was just reciting a haiku?
"Welcome to the Space Consortium," Buddy said, trying to distract himself. Maybe that would pass the test, somehow. It had seemed to work on Test #1, at least.
"Welcome to the Space Consortium. This is Test #5."
So maybe he was making progress. Or maybe they were just going to give him more tests for the rest of his life.
Maybe he would be stuck in this testing room with 1543 weird dogs for the rest of his life. He would never be a full member of the Space Consortium.
Then who would take him seriously?
"g0m?" he asked no one.
There was a sound of a ding.
"All tests complete. Welcome to the Space Consortium."
The doors opened, and Buddy and the 1543 weird dogs rushed through.
At last, they had made it to the Space Consortium.

What if I were to say, "Welcome to the Space Consortium"? Does that sound appealing to you? Do you enjoy screaming into the endless void? Are you most at home when crying underneath a desk? Is there not yet enough suffering in your cruel, miserable life? Then the Space Consortium welcomes you. What if I were to say that you could come and join us at the Space Consortium. Would you like to come and join us at the Space Consortium? New members are always welcome at the Space Consortium. Come to thread 1482 and join us at the Space Consortium. God bless Fremp, and God bless the Post Making Contest. Remember, everyone is welcome at the Space Consortium. Except blue lizards. We mean, seriously. No blue lizards allowed. Never again.

-~-~

Phew, righty ho, sorry about all that, one second... okay, okay, hello again, everyone! I hope you missed me, because I sure as hell did. There's been a bit of a spanner in the works re: the escape plan, because it turns out that some of the washing machines had moved about a bit since my last foray downstairs, which in retrospect I really should have anticipated given the noises... still, I was committed to making a run for it, so I jolly well did what I could, and what I could was somewhat insufficient, all things considered - I dived into the first room I could see with a lock on the door, and this one's got a tumble dryer in it! Well, never mind... oh I'm out of breath! There's presumably some adage about keeping dangerous white goods where you can see them, right? Just not one that springs immediately to mind... oh, speaking of adages, it's that part of the show again! I know that a lot of my friends are going through some tough times at the moment, so this is gonna be a super-special, extra-long Positivity Segment! Yeah! Who's excited? You're excited! They're excited! The washing machines are excited! Even I'm excited! I'm not excited! I'm scared! But in situations like these, I can always turn to the wit and wisdom of the best lifecoach there is; the one and only wheat. I'd like to read for you now some passages from his bestselling guide, "You can do it!". Here we go...

-~-~

You can do it. I believe in you! Anything is possible if you put yr mind to it. What are your hopes and dreams? Tell me and I will tell you that they're not so far away! Envision it and it will come to you. Also if you are feeling down, tell me what's bothering I will tell you that you can pull through. I know you can, because you are a trooper and you've always pulled through in the past. ROme wasn't built in a day. It was built in many days, by coerced labor. You can one day be rome, but luckily for you, you don't have to put any slaves to the whip! All you have to put is your imagination to the test and watch as the sun mounts the horizon & rides to you on the sprightly rainbow of your better natures. Your next step is the first step of the rest of your life! Even the longest journey begins by putting one foot in front of the other. The race is won not through speed, but through pace. Unless it is a short-distance race, but those races are puny and brief, and it seems like a lot of work for only 15 seconds of excitement. So take a victory lap. In the race of life, it's not the finish line that matters... it's the friends you meet along the way.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. (Yeah!!) A stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet. Say hi! Helloooooo. Tomorrow may be a new start, but why wait for that when there's still some precious Today to wrangle down?! Your friends are the friends you made along the way. I'll be there for you, 'cause you're there for me too. But even if you're not there for me too I will be there for you because being friends should be more than some late 90s mercenary act. Life is a treasure. Some think it should be buried when you're done with it. I say: dig it up! Leave no stone unturned! Pass the riches around! Also, if you open the chest and find a big key inside you have a tough task ahead. one that you might feel you're unable to rise to BUt... You can do it. The most stalwart and towering tree begins from the smallest seed in the ground. If you ever feel like dirt, remember this. Plant a seed of hopeful truth at your foundation and you will someday blossom into a figure of sweeping and boundless wonder. The power to make the change was in you all along. You just had to ring the bell and ask it to come out. Nobody has the bell but opportunity. The bell is outside opportunity's door, and it was put out there because knocking is violent. (You shouldn't have to brutalize an innocent door w fists to get opportunity's attention!) And when you get opportunity, you don't hold onto it because no one needs to hold onto it for ever, or it will drag you downriver with it. Like a really heavy piece of driftwood flowing out to sea or a freed lily pad. If you're a frog wanting to get somewhere a little better, you just let it take you far enough and then you pass it on for the next person - having without possessing. If opportunity isn't here now, don't be alarmed - it'll make its way there someday.

If you're ever feeling "ruff", go search for a dog. Dogs were put on this earth for when you feel bad. they are loyal and pure and kind and if you put your hand out they will let you pet them. there is absolutely no downside to dogs. they cure you of your ills and warm your feet on cold days. i think dogs might actually be some kind of black magic. The glass is never half empty! It is always completely full, of varying amounts of liquid particles or air particles or if you put pudding in there then particles of a colloidal dispersion. Air is good too and if it's full of air, take a deep breath! Deep breathing calms your body down. A breath of fresh air is always one... lung... away? Look Death in the face... you might just find love. Look at your body. it's good. it fits all of you inside of it, and if it were any other body, it wouldn't be yours. What a wonder of a body! And remember, if i can do it, you can do it. If i can't do it, you can still probably do it! I believe in you!

-~-~

...what? Why are you staring at me like that? Listeners, I'm getting some very funny looks from this tumble dryer. D'ya think it's possible that I've upset it somehow? Did it not like all the positivity I was radiating? I mean, it was some tremendously inspiring stuff, I'm sure you all agree. Aww, I'm feeling a bit bad now. What if was in a really bad mood that I've only made worse by reciting all that uplifting gibberish at it? What to do, what to do... I can do something, I can do something... oh, I know! I know how to cheer it up! I reckon it's about time we had another Puzzler's Corner! And yep, I figure you've most likely guessed it - the corner in question is the one with the tumble dryer in it! Gosh, all your appliance acquaintances are going to be so jealous! Um, I don't actually have the answers to the last lot of puzzles on me (do I? No I don't.) Nor do I know if anyone submitted any correct answers! Just, um, I dunno, check the website or something. Useful information has a strange habit of appearing there for no discernable reason... otherwise, I'll let you all know next week. I promise. In the meantime, I've got some juicy brainticklers from the inscrutable Kaynato for you to chew on. Get those thinking caps on! You know they help, even if they do make an awful racket and smell faintly of sawdust (and I've been noticing some hints of sour cream recently? Maybe that's just mine...)

-~-~

Puzzle 1:
Let there be a regular pentagon P with a side length of 20 millimeters, inside which is inscribed a regular star sharing the vertices of the pentagon as its points. The star is shattered into 5 identical kites. The smallest distance from a "trough" of the star to the edge of the pentagon is shortened by 0.02 millimeters. The star is made of element Q, which is identical to gold but when in rectangular strips, varies its dimensions Width and Length as a function of temperature in the relation (Change in Width per second) = (Change in Length per second) = ln((Temperature in Kelvin)/298) + 1. Two kites are deformed into rectangular strips, of the same width as the shorter side of the kite, and dropped from an altitude X. Assuming that the atmosphere is infinite, what is the necessary altitude X to drop the kites from such that the two rectangular strips emit 500 nm light as a result of blackbody radiation when both in series with an ideal voltage source of 100 kilo-Volts?

Puzzle 2:
Five birds are circling overhead. The first one squawks. The second one squawks. The third remains silent. The fourth one yells in a human voice. The fifth one squawks. If it is high noon, and the barn is on fire, what is the chance that the birds are a figment of your imagination?

Puzzle 3:
Is the barn on fire?

Puzzle 4:
A large dog, a tiny dog, and an animate abstract sculpture walk into a bar. The large dog orders a large canister of water. The tiny dog orders a tiny canister of water. What does the abstract sculpture order?

Puzzle 5:
The last three kites from Puzzle 1 are also dropped from the same altitude, but as soon as they reach sea level, they are teleported into the void. In the void, their change in width and change in height is not additive but instead multiplicative. Assuming that they may only dissipate energy via blackbody radiation, when they reach room temperature, how many Indian Rupees may be earned by selling them at the market price of gold in India on January 21, 2015?

-~-~

See? I knew that would cheer the tumble dryer up! It's looking happier already! Oh, but before I move on, we've switched up the submission protocol as of late. You'll now be wanting to whisper your answers in the Post Making Context Discord channel at 3am local time, not 2am. That's 3 in the morning, not 2. Got that? Good show, and good on you if you can manage to wrestle solutions out of those enigmas! I'm assured they have 'em, honest.

Oh bollocks, yes, of course, I haven't run any ads yet. Oh stop beeping, I know I know I'm aware. I've just had more pressing matters on my hands. Oh please stop beeping you're making the tumble dryer distressed again. Hang on, I'll just find some commercials to run... I'm bound to have some on the flash drive somewhere... oh do shut up! No no no no no no no no no not you not you not you the beeping it's urrrrrrgh botherations.

-~-~

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-~-~

Apologies once again listeners. You don't need to be a puzzle master to figure out what happened: the Official Hawksquawk Ad Alarm riled up the tumble dryer something fierce, so I had to hightail it out that room on the double. And, of course, the washing machines were still outside. It wasn't pretty. And you know what the worst thing was? In all the madness that followed, I definitely heard a seagull cry. I don't need to spell out what that means. It means things have gone pear-shaped on me. Ah well. Sacrifices in the name of podcasting, and so on.

I found another room with a lock on the door. By which I mean a cell. With bars. And a lock on the door. You've always got to look at the postitives, so I'm glaring fixatedly at the lock. It's, it's quite large and grey. It looks really secure. It's not actually locked, I couldn't find the key, but I'm hoping the white goods don't realise this. One can but hope.

If this were a typical Hawksquawk, um, this would be the point at which I'd be opening the phone lines for the Listener Interaction Segment! Unfortunately, this a decidedly atypical episode, so I'm just going to have resort to telepathy. Do you believe in ESP? Because that would make things really convenient, I must say. If I can get myself into the right frame of mind... and if you could all transmit your questions now... or maybe stagger them slightly? Oh, oh, okay, I'm picking up off you, and I know just what to do...

-~-~

Luxembourg.
Yes, no, no, yes, maybe, I'm not sure, *looks at shoe* 10.
Ask again later.
The logo placement is off. I suggest taking away the springback pin spring element and replacing it with just a circle to represent the "pin".
Um, I'd rather you didn't. Definitely not on the table, at least.
Gosh, I haven't had a proper one in months.
I don't even own a bicycle!
I sincerely doubt it. Well, I mean technically yes, yes you can. It's just that you shouldn't.
Avalanche, feedback and grim.
About five and a half weeks ago, though I saw a picture of him the other day. Does that count?
I tend to just lie face down in front of the goal. I don't think it helps.
Because otherwise it would fall over.
C, A, Digest Food, Auxin, C, 1-2 g/ml, Both male and female, A, seminal receptacles (or clitellum), stomach, reproduction (or swimmerettes), C, gills (or walking legs), A, approx 13 g, Bud, Nematocyst, Endoderm, B, B, Animalia, Annelida, D, Siphon (or Anus), Colony, 2.6 x 10^7 cells, Fins, B, chromataphores, E, 6.08 ml
It will be 18 dollars.
It was a bizarre mistake.
736 is one of the answers you are looking for.
To get to the other side.
From now on, if you're gonna start drama with me, I'm bringing my fake lawyer. It's more civilized that way. No further comment for now.
Yes a52 I concur, ban her.
Primarily in the woods yes, but most bears don't actually have any preference for wooded areas over any other type of biome. If you put a bear in a cage, it will still need to defecate, even if the nearest forest is hundreds of miles away.
What is leg.
Flesh, unfortunately.
I could probably manage an entire foot. I'm not prepared to try right now, though.
I've been trying to even up my beard recently, though I don't think that was the answer you were looking for.
I just tried to toss my eraser from one hand to the other and failed. So no, then.
About a quarter to six.
That's a personal question, and not one that I feel totally comfortable answering. Please stop talking about bronies in the office Tom.
Honestly, if you think you need to ask other people that, you're either very definitely not or most certainly are.
Oh gosh yes. They're horrific.
Twice; once when I was young and then once more a few years ago, by sheer bad luck.
Green's functions for semi-linear elliptic equations.
That's one of those questions I don't think humanity will ever establish a definite answer for. Computers won't have a clue.
Shoving up your arse, at this rate.
They presumably belong to the council, so I wouldn't touch them if I were you.
Sort of? It makes me quite uncomfortable, actually. I tend to use scissors instead.
It doesn't have to mean anything. It can just be.
I actually do! It belonged to my great-great-grandfather, though my dad has one he used to use at work...
Oh, that's just John. He's like that. He fell out a window once and has never lived it down.
On the other side of the river.
No. Bad. Bad! Think about what you've done.
Only if you know the context for its context. If that makes sense.
Yes I am
I do not like green eggs and ham.
Eventually
Don't eat the babies!
I discovered that command on accident, and now you all know it and can use it "wisely". Oh who am I kidding, you're sure to misuse it and it will totally be worth it.
Yes, no, and yes.
Sandwich number is not conserved.
Probably several hours
Uh-huh, yeah. Two times I've been around that track.
You're a jerk. A complete kneebiter.
Watermelon, first thing in the morning.

-~-~

I hope that answered your questions, listeners. Oh heck, I hope I answered /your/ questions; some of those were pretty odd. We may have had a regrettable case of crossed wires, I've no way of knowing. But while we're on the subject of irksome letdowns, let's talk about the initiative I proposed at the end of last episode. Remember how I gave you all a nice little speech about how I'd noticed that the podcasting format had been dominated by sound for goodness knows how long? The spoken word, music, animal cries, poetry, eldrtich susurrus; even radio plays, jesus! No, I believed that, together, you and I, could put together the first ever podcast segment conveyed purely through visual media. I asked you to send in your pictures, and well, I gotta tell you folks that I was hugely disappointed with the response I received. The overwhelming majority of submissions weren't pictures at all! There were rants and diatribes, all expressing doubt in my ability to present pictoral information to you in a manner that your ears could receive and interpret. And I, I understand. On the face of it, it does seem rather like I've made a grievous category error that I refuse to admit. Well, listeners, let me remind you for the second time this broadcast that nothing is impossible if you put your mind to it! Except baking, and calculus, and escaping from an abandonded subterranean labortatory on an unmapped island in the North Sea. Those are the only things that are impossible. Everything else is fine. Anyway, in the end, I received just four pictures, all of which were sent in by the irreplaceable Gatr, so if you'll permit me, I'd like share them with you now.

-~-~

Let's take a gander at the first, shall we?

Oh I say, wasn't that a treat? The palette was just impeccable! I particularly liked the colour choices in the abdominal region and the way the artist highlighted the rectus abdominis to contrast with the pecs. It gave a wonderful sense of... magnitude that I felt really benefitted the piece. The composition also, that was sublime. The way the pose drew your eyes down the frame... my one gripe would be with the lighting? I acknowledge the effect that was being aimed for, but I just think it was slightly overdone, all that glistening? It detracts from the definition in places and that's such a shame... still, on the whole, I'd say that this is a fine quality work.

Now, what's piece number two like?

Hmmm... well, for starters, I'm a big fan of the angle. It lends the piece an indisputable sense of scale, and forces us to construct our own narrative about how we ended up in this position. There's yet more clever use of colour in the abdominal region, that's becoming a theme, and the subject of this piece lends itself to that rather well. I'm not sure the shading is quite on point, though; the overall palette is warm and fiery, in once place quite literally, so while I can understand the decision to use cooler colours in the shadows I fear it might weaken the heated mood somewhat. Still, the shadows themselves are faultlessly placed, and are used to great and suggestive effect in the lower third of the frame...

Oh, how about piece number three?

Now we're talking. Despite having much the same subject as the last piece, this one is miles ahead. See how the inherent flame has been put to work in accentuating the thighs, gaze in awe at the majesty of those wings; you can't fail to be sucked into the delicately constructed spiral that brings you right to the head and then cascading down the chest towards the real meat of the piece. The lines are crisp and clear, the colours are vibrant and the content is not to be sniffed at. Listeners, I don't know about you, but I think that this is a true masterpiece.

...I must confess I'm rather looking forward to the final bit of artwork now...

Oh listeners, I fear I might have just ballsed up slightly. That wasn't the last picture Gatr sent me at all. It's probably best you... pretend you didn't see that? For your own sakes? And, maybe mine? Yeah, okie dokie, I see what I did. I accidenta- oh blimey. Did you hear that? I... I think I've been found. Oh bloody norah, I have as well.

What in the name of all that is holy is that sound? Please tell me you can hear that. Golly, right, fuckit... look, screw this, I'm getting outta here. Somehow. I'm going to have to do something dangerous, folks. I'm gonna have to put on some music to fill the dead air. That's not the dangerous thing; the dangerous thing is bloody scarpering, but since my full concentration will be devot- what in heaven's name is that? SHIT. Talk to you later, this getting a touch unsafe?