The Official Fogel Writes Silly Things Thread

More Unicorns

(see also)

Judge Galacticamaru, who was still a unicorn, sighed deeply.
"Why do I get all the stupid cases?" he asked nobody in particular. "All right, somebody tell me why this isn't going to be another complete waste of my time. Although, considering there's an empty suit in the plaintiff's chair, I don't have high hopes."
"It's quite simple, Your Honor," said Sheinalica, the plaintiff's attractive and intelligent lawyer who was also still a unicorn. "My client is actually Dr. President, a local grocery store owner who is also a unicorn. This afternoon, Dr. President went to see his doctor, Doctor Carl President, who is also a unicorn. Over the course of the appointment, however, Dr. President was transformed into this empty suit. Consequently, my client, Dr. President, is suing Doctor President for malpractice."
"Objection!" shouted the opposing lawyer, Dr. Commissioner James Gordon. He was a no-nonsense lawyer who got results, and also a unicorn. "That summary was confusing. Can we please refer to my client as Carl from here on out?"
"Objection!" Doctor Carl President shouted. "I didn't go through Unicorn Medical School so my degree would be left out!"
"Objection!" Dr. Commissioner James Gordon shouted. "My client does not get to make objections!"
Judge Galacticamaru banged his gavel.
"Order! Order! Look, let's just call him Doctor Carl, okay?"
There was a murmur of agreement from the assembled unicorns and one empty suit that used to be a unicorn.
"Good," Judge Galacticamaru sighed. "Now, as stupid as this case is, it's clearly a legal dispute, so it's technically not a waste of my time. So let's have the first witness for the plaintiff."
"Thank you, Your Honor," Sheinalica said. "Our first witness is the plaintiff, Dr. President."
The empty suit awkwardly and very slowly shuffled its way across the floor. Judge Galacticamaru sighed.
"Bailiff," he said, "please help the witness to the stand."
James Commissioner nodded. He was the bailiff, and also a unicorn. He picked the suit up off the floor and carried it over to the witness stand.
"There you go, Your Honor," he said.
"Thank you. Now let's get this over with. And no lying!"
"Thank you, Your Honor," Sheinalica said. "Dr. President, is it true that you went to Doctor Carl's medical practice this afternoon?"
"Yes," said the suit.
"And is it true that you were a unicorn when you arrived at the appointment?"
"Yes," the suit replied.
"And is it also true that when you left the appointment, you were a suit?"
"Yes," said the suit.
"No further questions."
Sheinalica sat down, satisfied. Then everyone just sat there for a few minutes.
"Well?" Judge Galacticamaru finally asked Dr. Commissioner James Gordon.
"Well what?" Dr. Commissioner James Gordon asked.
"Aren't you going to cross-examine him?"
"Oh. Right! I knew I was forgetting something." Dr. Commissioner James Gordon stood up.
"Dr. President, did my client turn you into a suit?"
"Yes."
"Are you sure?"
"Pretty sure."
"Pretty sure, you say." Dr. Commissioner James Gordon said, staring at the suit.
"Yes. Is something wrong? Do I have a stain on me?"
"I'm asking the questions here, Dr. President."
"Oh, sorry. Well, go ahead, then."
Dr. Commissioner James Gordon looked thoughtful for a few moments, before speaking up again.
"No further questions," he said. Then he sat down.
"Wait a minute!" Doctor Carl protested. "That's all you're asking him?"
"Well, it seems clear enough to me," Dr. Commissioner James Gordon replied. "He's pretty sure you turned him into a suit. I don't see what else there is to ask."
Doctor Carl slammed his hoof down on the table.
"That's it. You're the worst no-nonsense lawyer who gets results ever. I can do a better job of this myself!"
"As your lawyer, I advise against that..."
"Shut up!" Doctor Carl shouted. "Your Honor, I'd like to ask the witness some questions."
"Fine, whatever," Judge Galacticamaru sighed.
"Thank you, Your Honor," Doctor Carl replied. He walked towards the stand.
"Dr. President, did you, at any point, see me turn you into a suit?"
"Well, no," the suit replied.
"Did you ever turn away from me over the course of the appointment before you turned into a suit?"
"Now that you mention it, no," Dr. President admitted.
"Now, let me ask you an important question. Was there anyone else present at the appointment other than you and me?"
"Well, there was Mister Abracadabra, the wizard who's also a unicorn," the suit said.
"I see. And did you, at any point, see Mister Abracadabra turn you into a suit?"
"I... I don't know."
"Objection!" Sheinalica shouted. "He's leading the witness!"
Doctor Carl sighed.
"All right, fine, I'll take that one back," he said. "At any point during the appointment, did you notice Mister Abracadabra saying or doing anything that you found unusual?"
"Hmm... maybe?"
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well, I saw him waving his hands, kind of like this, and saying 'Presto-Changeo, become a suit!', but I don't know if I'd say that's unusual..."
The suit paused.
"Wait, when did you turn into a suit?"
The second suit held a sleeve up to where its forehead wasn't.
"Your Honor, I submit as evidence that the plaintiff has just performed a set of actions, and as he finished performing those actions, I was turned into a suit. Furthermore, the plaintiff has admitted that a third party, Mister Abracadabra, performed that same set of actions. It is therefore quite likely that Mister Abracadabra is responsible for the plaintiff's current condition."
"Sounds good to me," Judge Galacticamaru said, sounding exasperated. "I find in favor of the defendant. Now everyone get out of here!"
Then Judge Galacticamaru shoved everyone out of the courtroom, incuding the bailiff. He then sat down and waited for the next stupid case to come.
Outside the courtroom, Sheinalica grudgingly congratulated Dr. Commissioner James Gordon.
"I hate to admit it, but once again, your no-nonsense approach got results," she sighed.
"No it didn't!" one of the suits grumbled. "I had to do everything myself!"
"Oh be quiet, you," said Dr. Commissioner James Gordon. "What do you know about law? You're just a doctor."
"So what do we do about being suits?" the other suit asked.
"Well, if you ask me, that look suits you!" said Gordon, laughing. Gordon was a wacky roommate with a mysterious past, and also a unicorn.
Everyone else laughed, including the suits, even though Gordon hadn't been in the story at all.