Salamander Dan's Salamander Slam [it's skyrim]

Update 5

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Sneaking it is! Salamander Dan is going to be the sneakiest man. A lot of the sneak skill tree revolves around sneaky ways to kill people, but since we’re not killing anyone we only have to invest in the skills that make us harder to detect.

Salamander Dan’s health also increased slightly. Hooray.



So, it turns out that guy was wandering around because… there’s an Imperial camp like right here. Somehow I failed to notice that last time. Dan decides to sneak around and see if they have any cheese or lockpicks or what have you.

He does find a bucket pretty much straight away. It’s a start.



These heavily-injured soldiers immediately try to enlist Salamander Dan in the army. Why is everyone trying to enlist Salamander Dan?! Do they really want this sneaking, potato-devouring coward on their side in this war?

Dan sneaks away without a word, not wanting to get involved. He creeps around in broad daylight, in full sight of everyone, and begins stealing all the plates people left on the ground. Ha! Now they’ll all have to eat their cheese off the ground. He also loots a chest they just left sitting out, acquiring some kind of magic scroll and 33 gold! Money! Dan finally has gold to pay off highwaymen with!



He finally creeps his way into the biggest tent, finding a map of various forts and cities throughout Skyrim! Salamander Dan memorizes all of these locations, and then steals all of the flags and runs off. Legate Hrollard there keeps telling him to keep an eye out, every few seconds. He doesn’t seem to notice that Dan ruined his game of Risk.

Dan finishes clearing out the camp, finding no cheese and barely any food except a few carrots. Maybe these guys just don’t eat. The quartermaster stops Dan and tries to sell him some weapons he can’t afford and doesn’t want from the stockpile they need for the war. Dan scuttles away as quickly as possible.



…

The bandit camp is right there. 100 feet away from an army camp. And they haven’t done a damn thing about it. Dan decides to sneak back in again, maybe see if he can get further this time.

Wait.

Dan realizes something as he walks inside.



THIS IS RUNNING WATER IN HERE. DAN STOOD ON TOP OF RUNNING WATER.

Technically he didn’t cross it though. Maybe it’s okay. He hurriedly runs back out, not wanting to think about it. He runs up a hill nearby, seeing smoke from a fire. Maybe someone up there can help him out with his lockpick problem?



That explains the wolves. They’ve got them trapped in cages, surrounded by mysterious meat. The guy across the way is named “Bouncer” and keeps yelling threats at Dan. Looks like they’re doing something INHUMANE with these wolves here! Dan feels like he shouldn’t care, since the wolves have never done anything for him, but at the same time… They’re up to something shady here. They’re probably secretly bandits or something. Dan has to… well, not stop them, because that sounds scary, But maybe sneak in and take their shit?
.
.First thing first. Deal with the bouncer. Dan’s sure knocking this guy out will work.



The perfect cover. The Bouncer instantly loses track of Dan when he steps into this slight shade. Walking closer probably wouldn’t work out, though, so I take a really circuitous route around the mountain to get behind him.



Here you go, Dan. Don’t screw this up this time.



IT WORKED. Dan knocks the guy out then reflexively sprints away. It works fine, though, so Dan comes back and checks his pockets. Nothing useful inside - 3 gold and, like, a wooden club or something. At least he’s out cold for now.

Dan realizes this isn’t the most peaceful thing, but it’s not like this will have any lasting repercussions for this guy. He’ll be fine. Dan checks out the wolf cages, but the locks are way too tough. Expert-level, and much less rewarding than the science door. Dan moves on, going inside the cave.



Another guard, in a place that makes it impossible to get behind. He’s mumbling to himself, something like, “...retire some day… get myself an island…”. His name is also “Bandit”. Guess that’s that mystery solved. Salamander Dan kind of doubts that any bandit in this place will be able to buy a thing, really. They’re kind of bad at banditry.

This guy does pose a problem, though. We can’t fight him, we can’t sneak past him, and we can’t get behind to knock him out. That… doesn’t leave many options.



NEVERMIND, WE HAVE AN OPTION. A fancy new power, courtesy of vampirism. Dan immediately sways his hips seductively, sensually stuffing a potato down his throat. This stuns the man, possibly out of sheer horror. Dan could just knock him out at this point, but instead he decides… to feed. He’s an elf after all.

I’d have a screenshot here for that, but Skyrim covers the screen in a bright red filter when you feed on anyone, making everything impossible to see.

Unfortunately, if you’ll notice the descriptive text above, the power lasts for only 30 seconds. By the time Dan has fed and reduced his vampirism, Bandit snaps out of it and comes running after Dan. Dan flees deeper into the cave, finding a full wolf pit-fighting operations running down there. Several bandits and a few miscellaneous patrons, plus a couple wolves, immediately forget what they’re doing and come after him. Even the unarmed bartender runs at him. What is wrong with people in Skyrim?





Dan makes a run for it, and leaps over the bar, ducking behind and hiding. Somehow, it works. Everyone loses sight immediately, running back and forth on the opposite end of the cave. Dan, meanwhile, finds a book beneath the bar, and decides to read it while hiding.



The book is really boring, but Dan does learn something from it. Something really relevant, too! It doesn’t, however, mention where to get lockpicks. You’re probably meant to kill bandit and loot lockpicks from their corpses or something.



At this point, everyone has forgotten about Dan, going back to business like nothing happened at all. This poses a problem when the bar patrons return. Dan hides in the shadows, but everyone is immediately alerted a second time.



This guy is probably the bandits’ leader. I didn’t bother to check. There’s no way he’s not going to find us hiding here, so Dan makes a run for the exit! Screw looking for lockpicks, it’s not worth it.



Dan levels up again on his way out, chased by a bunch of angry bandits. They don’t follow him out, though. Dan checks the bouncer’s pulse on the way out. He’s fine, he’ll be fine. He doesn’t worry about the wolves for now, not wanting to be ripped apart today. Dan runs off, getting back on the road and continuing on, when he’s immediately jumped by a trio of hired thugs! They start saying something to Dan, but are interrupted by a sudden wolf attack. They cut down the wolves immediately.



Salamander Dan, say it with me… runs away. The thugs keep yelling racist threats at him, though he’s not really sure if they’re talking about Argonians or vampires. Terriblix must have sent these guys to hunt him down, and they did a damn good job of it! Though they aren’t very good at running. Dan gets away pretty fast, but… runs right into Shor’s Stone again. Damn. Maybe they keep lockpicks here.



All these guys are having a boring conversation about the mine near town that we somehow missed the first time. Dan doesn’t really feel like going to a mine, though. I feel like the game wants us to care about this mine thing, but… let’s be honest, I really couldn’t care less. It’s not Dan’s problem.



Dan has more important things on his mind.

Dan moves on from there, knocking on doors throughout town (to no avail). That pretty much leaves two buildings he’s allowed to enter - Shor’s Sundries and the inn. Shor’s Sundries is, sadly, closed for the night, though the door is still open. Nothing good inside. Dan heads back to the inn, seeing what Dilbor has for sale. Nothing good. No potatoes or cheese, even.



However Shor himself is here! Dan helps himself to his shop key. Somehow he gets away with it.

Continuing on, Dan loots both of the rooms in the inn. In one, she finds 51 gold, a potion of healing, and a potion of stamina! Nice. In the other, though, he finds…



Clothes. Finally, Dan has something to replace his horribly dirty, blood-stained robes. Now he just looks like… a farmer or something. Much less conspicuous, until he gets mauled by wolves again.

Dan heads back to Shor’s Sundries, this time looking for some lockpicks to steal or, really, anything else. He doesn’t find anything, but he does find a new hat. A fancier hat.



A stupider hat.

Dan, pretty certain that Terriblix isn’t around and wouldn’t think to look right here, decides to sleep for the night and see what people are selling in the morning. The night passes without incident, and he checks the shops. Shor isn’t selling a damn thing worth buying, as is to be expected.

The blacksmith, Filnjar, however…



Has a lockpick!

...One lockpick. We can’t afford to screw this up. Dan buys it and runs off toward Mzulft! Destiny awaits!



Destiny is stalled by the usual suspects.

Salamander Dan eventually gets away, fleeing into the mountains behind him. He stumbles across some ruins there, and decides to take a look.



Dan sees something unmistakable. Something terrible.

WARLOCKS.

Needless to say, he books it before she notices him. He instantly gets attacked by a group of giant spiders, but for once doesn’t get mauled by more wolves. Finally, he arrives back at the Dwarven Storehouse, single lockpick in hand.



Science awaits, Dan. You can even see something glowing back behind that gate, just barely. Something scientific. Come on, Dan. This is your moment to shine. You read the book. You’ve practiced for almost thirty seconds. You can do this Dan.





Dan pulls it off. For the first time in his adventure, Dan actually succeeds at something!



It’s… it’s beautiful. Perfect. Shiny. Scientific.



Dan shoves the unidentified crystal thing in his pockets. He has no idea what it might be, but it sure looks like something that could neutralize the spell of a powerful warlock, if only he can figure out how.



Oh look, another quest. Fortunately, the quest marker is just up the way, at Mzulft. Maybe that’ll tell us what this stupid thing actually does?



Of all things, the quest marker leads right back to this guy. We already looted this guy, but there must be something we missed. Dan rifles through this now-putrid corpse’s pockets for a second time.



Catcorpse has this book in his pockets. Aetherium? That sure sounds like science.



Looks like the crystal is indeed something called Aetherium, which is magical but “alchemically inert”. Magical? Dammit! That doesn’t count as science, does it? Reading the book gives us a quest marker halfway across the world, far outside of the area we can actually enter. That’s definitely a dead end.

The book goes on to explain something called the “Aetherium Forge”, which was an attempt to forge stuff out of the stuff. That sounds more scientific, maybe?

Is this find good enough? Or do we need to find a way to break into Mzulft? And if so, how should we do it?

Also, what skill should we put our next perk into? I already upgraded stamina for level 3, since I accidentally clicked the level up button early.