Post making contest 5.0

This is episode #16.

I guessed this was going to be the finale, so I didn't save it for tomorrow morning like I have been doing. WORTH IT.

• Sjin: "Are you going to accept the deal, Tom?" Tom: "No!" Sjin: "Fucking fine, then, I'll shop around."
  
• TOM IS SENDING A SINGLE FRIGATE EAST TOWARDS RYTHIAN
  
• WHAT IS THAT GOING TO ACHIEVE?
  
• Tom's coastal cities are called "Boat Place" and "Lower Boat", formerly Exodia and Panama City respectively. Those are some good name changes right there.
  
• Sjin: "You have to unaccept that deal, by the way, before I can take it somewhere else." YOU ARE ABLE TO WITHDRAW YOUR OWN OFFERS IT WOULD BE REALLY BLOODY AWKWARD OTHERWISE
  
• Tom, in a voice that very much indicates he does not want to help Sjin with this: "Really?"
  
• Smiffy: "Oh wow, Trott's brought in... brought in Winged Hussars! That's pretty cool!" RYTHIAN HAS LITERAL TANKS
  
• LIKE HE'S GONE THROUGH THE LANDSHIP STAGE ALREADY HE IS AT LEGITIMATE TANKS. NEXT STOP, MODERN ARMOUR.
  
• Trott: "How big's this little fucking river to Babylon?" TROTT THAT IS A LAKE
  
• Also Trott: "God, I gotta go around this... that'll take forever" SAIL ACROSS THE FUCKING LAKE
  
• oh phew he's realised he can do that thank goodness
  
• Smiffy: "Fucking hell Trott, you're really moving in some fucking forces here. Jesus Christ! Chris Trott and the Slightly Outdated Polish Army are here to stay!"
  
• HOW MANY TIMES HAS SMIFFY TOLD TROTT THAT RYTHIAN IS SOUTH OF HIM? BECAUSE TROTT KEEPS TRYING TO GO NORTH!
  
• it's not like Trott has absolutely no other way of knowing where Morocco is he has a map with Zendikar and Innistrad on it
  
• Smiffy: "Trott, how the fuck did you get those boats into, into that lake?" Trott: "Embarking?"
  
• Smiffy is now worryingly quiet.
  
• Sjin: "I'm in the grip of despair, Tom. I haven't made a move in about ten minutes." YES I HAVE NOTICED YOUR COMPLETE LACK OF DESIRE TO DEFEND YOURSELF
  
• Sjin: "I've been playing Pokemon Go!" FUCK OFF
  
• RYTHIAN HAS DISCOVERED ATOMIC THEORY AND HAS A SOURCE OF URANIUM IN THE JUNGLES OF ZENDIKAR
  
• not like he's ever going to need to build nuclear missiles in order to win but I guess it's comforting to have
  
• TROTT IS BUILDING FRIGATES AND SENDING THEM HALFWAY ROUND THE WORLD TOWARDS RYTHIAN
  
• THE GUY FOR WHOM BATTLESHIPS ARE BEGINNING TO GO OUT OF DATE
  
• Sjin is now trying to pass his cities off to Trott instead. This is a shit fire sale.
  
• Trott: "I can't take on more cities Sjin!" Sjin: "No, you'll get a big happiness buzz!"
  
• TROTT ACCEPTED
  
• Trott: "OH MY GOD MY HAPPINESS IS MINUS FORTY TWO" WHY DID YOU TRUST SJIN
  
• WELP THERE GOES ALL CHANCES TROTT HAD OF AFFECTING ANYTHING EVER AGAIN
  
• TROTT IS JUST RAZING EVERYTHING
  
• Sjin: "well this is much more manageable"
  
• so Sjin now only has his capital, because Rythian took his over coastal
  
• so minus forty two unhappiness means one of Trott's cities will flip to Rythian due to ideological unhappiness
  
• Sjin: "everybody heckle Morocco!" well that sums up Sjin's attitude towards this
  
• Smiffy: "THERE ARE TANKS ON MY SOUTHERN BORDER!"
  
• RYTHIAN DECLARED WAR ON TROTT AND TROTT'S GATLING GUN DEALT THREE DAMAGE TO ONE OF RYTHIAN'S TANKS
  
• THIS IS AMAZING
  
• Rythian has anti-aircraft guns. NOBODY ELSE HAS PLANES.
  
• (I was going to say nobody else had the tech but I think Sjin may have just got it by accident)
  
• Rythian: "I was never really going for the tourism victory." Sjin: "So when you built all those tourism wonders...?" Rythian: "I was just building wonders because they were there!" I TOLD YOU SO
  
• Rythian: "The way to win now will be through conquest, because if I kill you I will automatically win a tourism victory" YES GOOD GOOD I AM HAPPY THAT YOU HAVE REALISED THIS
  
• SJIN'S CITY GIFTING WAS A LITERAL FIRE SALE NOW THE CITIES ARE BURNING TO THE GROUND
  
• ooh Trott and Smiffy are getting their science stats out in public
  
• Sjin: 208 / Tom: 253 / Trott: 297 / Smiffy: 326 / Rythian: 886
  
• Tom: "Sjin, please, accept the deal." Sjin: "oh hang on a sec I have to tab back in" SJIN NO
  
• Rythian: "I honestly don't know what the difference is between atomic bombs and nuclear missiles?"
  
• ATOMIC BOMB: unlocked at Nuclear fission, it costs 600 hammers (on standard) and one uranium, has a range of 10 hexes and does fallout damage in a radius of 2 from its target hex, halving the population of any city in that range. Has to be based in a city, taking up an aircraft slot, and it is theoretically possible to intercept.
  
• NUCLEAR MISSILES: unlocked at Advanced ballistics, it costs 1000 hammers (on standard) and two uranium, has a range of 12 hexes and does fallout damage in a radius of 2 from its target hex, halving the population of any city in that range but also wiping any city of pop six or less from the map. Can be based in cities or on Missile Carriers or Nuclear Submarines and cannot be intercepted under any circumstances.
  
• ...I hope somebody learnt something from that...
  
• Sjin took the Honour policy that (amongst other things) gives him two free warriors. They now comprise half his military.
  
• Tom: "Oh wait... Sjin, if you don't give any shits any more, give me those luxuries... and your horses, and your aluminium, and all your gold." PFFTHAHAHAHAHAHA
  
• THEY ARE NOW FIGHTING OVER WHO GETS ALL OF SJIN'S SHIT
  
• Trott: "Oh Smiffy, I've lost all my front line." Smiffy: "Yeah, me too!"
  
• honestly Rythian is scarcely doing anything he's just moving some units about aimlessly and accidentally killing everyone
  
• Rythian: "Honestly, Babylon is a tough nut to crack... I'm killing almost everything here..." UH HUH UH HUH
  
• by some miracle Smiffy is going to discover Atomic Theory next turn too so brace yourself for the inevitable whinging when it turns out he doesn't have any uranium in his malformed empire
  
• (Smiffy being in the Atomic Era doesn't actually mean he's doing well science-wise... he's not bothered with a shitload of stuff on the top of the tree and even less on the bottom..)
  
• TOM'S PRIVATEERS HAVE ARRIVED AT RAVINCA. ITS POPULACE MUST BE QUAKING IN FEAR. *cough*
  
• AND RYTHIAN'S DESTROYERS HAVE JUST ARRIVED IN LOWER BOAT. ITS ENTIRE POPULACE JUST SHAT THEMSELVES SIMULTANEOUSLY.
  
• Rythian is just gunning for The Internet at this point in an attempt to end this
  
• Trott is trying to send his frigates to help Tom. Tom is at least wise enough to point out that this is a horrible idea that flatly will not work or indeed help in any way whatsoever.
  
• LOWER BOAT LASTED HALF A TURN AGAINST THREE DESTROYERS
  
• SO IT IS NOW PANAMA CITY AGAIN WELP
  
• Smiffy: "Welcome to the Modern Era Tom!" Tom: "Um, thanks? Someone left their mobile phone here, um, we reverse-engineered it..."
  
• (we know he literally stole his way into it that's the joke)
  
• Sjin was just explaining to Tom how his units would get kicked out of Mongolia when their open borders agreement ran out when Tom had an idea. He figured that, by declaring war, he wouldn't have to worry about the expiry scuppering his half-arsed plans. Unfortunately, the sentence that Sjin was halfway through when Tom did this was "yeah, just so you know, it also happens when you declare war."
  
• PERFECT COMEDIC TIMING
  
• Tom: "Wait, do open borders ever run out?" um yes
  
• can somebody please explain to these guys that Imhotep actually existed outside of The Mummy
  
• IT HAS TAKEN SIX ATTACKS FROM THEIR BOATS FOR TROTT AND TOM TO GET ONE OF RYTHIAN'S DESTROYERS DOWN TO RED. THAT IS ADORABLE.
  
• oh my gosh Rythian is being clever and is buying shit in the now-annexed Karakorum so he can keep it growing/producing and also getting units OH MY GOSH
  
• also he won the World's Fair that I bet you didn't even know was happening BECAUSE I SURE DIDN'T
  
• *long, awkward silence* Sjin: "Oh shit, I think I just invented punk rock! Who's Hanna Petros?"
  
• Smiffy: "I've nearly got 400 science per turn now! What's your science at Rythian?" Rythian, truthfully: "913." Tom, loudly and despondently: "WHAT."
  
• oh apparently Smiffy does actually have uranium jolly good
  
• Sjin tried to send his Great Musician to the Crapital. He was supposedly unaware that Tom was at war with him until it got captured. Someone help me there are only seven minutes left but I don't think I can do this.
  
• does Tom realise that him capturing Pallet Town will cause Rythian to immediately win
  
• because Rythian did even go out of his way to point this out
  
• Sjin is now daring Tom to take his last city THAT IS COUNTERPRODUCTIVE
  
• Sjin is trying to charge Tom's cannons with his warriors. Yep, you heard me right. He's being very sarcastic as he does this.
  
• turn 227: Smiffy finally decides to manually control one of his workers
  
• the death of Sjin's last warrior generated enough XP for him to spawn a Khan, which he promptly ran out in to the middle of the battlefield, surrounded by Hunnic units and sapped of all its movement by zone of control
  
• rip Hulegu you existed for 27 seconds
  
• yes I timed that shut up
  
• Tom and Sjin said their gg's as the former polished off the latter's capital, and then when the defeat screen showed up Smiffy and Trott GOT SO CONFUSED OH MY GOODNESS
  
• Rythian giving yet another patient explanation to these poor people aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh
  
• Smiffy: "I'd like to play another game with people who are actually of my skill level" YES EXACTLY
  
• Sjin: "Do you guys feel like you learnt anything in this game?" Smiffy: "Dude, I don't think I learnt anything."
  
• Sjin: "Mongolia are dogshit" NOPE
  
• Rythian: "Yeah, Morocco aren't that great either" YEP
  
• Smiffy: "Babylon was underwhelming" NOPE NOPE NOPE
  
• Smiffy is attempting to explain his strategy words are coming through my speakers but they do not make sense
  
• goodbye everyone it was nice disparaging you

tl;dr - GOODBYE, I HAD A DELIGHTFUL TIME

End of message.