The Official Fogel Writes Silly Things Thread

Jingles the Yellow-Bellied Salamander Cowboy

Jingles the yellow-bellied salamander cowboy had a very shiny nose.
The other salamander cowboys didn't make fun of him for it, or for his yellow belly, because there weren't any other salamander cowboys in the first place, and if there had been he would have shot them.
One day, Jingles went to his favorite saloon, the Pituitary Minotaur, and barged through the doors because that was how he always entered saloons. He was hoping for a drink and a good fight, but he was startled to find that the saloon was empty, aside from the barmaid. There wasn't even a piano player around to dramatically stop playing the piano when he barged in.
"Where is everyone?" he asked the barmaid, as she polished a glass. "Did I come on the wrong day?"
"No," the barmaid said apathetically. "Everyone's at the new saloon that opened today, the Petty Rivalry. They're all excited about it, apparently it's supposed to be better than here in every way."
"Oh," Jingles replied. He paused for a moment. "So, uh, where is it?"
"Across the street." The barmaid pointed right at it. "Have fun. Meanwhile, I'll be here, watching my property values plummet as my business dries up."
"Yeah, you do that," Jingles replied. And so he crossed the street and barged into the Petty Rivalry.
Except he didn't. He stared at the doors; they didn't move at all when he barged through them.
"What gives?" he said to nobody. He pushed harder and harder on the doors, but they didn't move.
Then he was knocked aside as the Exposition Kid stepped out of the saloon.
"Oh, hey there, Jingles," the Exposition Kid said. "What are you doing there?"
"I was going to barge into the saloon!" Jingles shouted. "But it wouldn't let me in!"
"Oh, well, that's because the Petty Rivalry's doors are barge-proof," the Exposition Kid explained. "That way, the piano player doesn't have to stop."
Jingles stared at the Kid, then at the doors, then at the saloon's sign. His face slowly twisted in anger.
"I'm not gonna stand for this," he said. He marched towards the doors and pushed on them, but they didn't move.
"Uh, barge-proof doors, remember?" the Exposition Kid reminded him.
"Oh, right," Jingles sighed. He pushed lightly on the door and it swung in easily. "Damn, it just ain't the same." Then he walked inside.
"Now listen up!" he shouted as he entered, but nobody paid any attention because the piano was too loud. He tried to yell a speech about how barge-proof doors were against everything cowboys stood for, but he just couldn't make himself heard over the piano. He sighed, and walked back out and over to the Pituitary Minotaur, where he barged in.
"Now listen up!" he shouted at the barmaid. "A saloon with barge-proof doors is a goshdarn insult, and that piano's too damn loud, too! So I'm takin' this place - no, wait, sorry. So I'm takin' that place down! The one across the street, I mean."
"Good for you," the barmaid said, bored. "You want a drink or something?"
Jingles shrugged.
"Water, I guess."
The barmaid gave Jingles a glass of cold water. He drank it up, and passed out, and by the time he woke up he had completely forgotten about the other saloon and the Pituitary Minotaur had been sold and converted into a hanggliding school.
"Geez, what a lightweight," the former barmaid said. She had been offered free hanggliding classes as part of the sale. "Can't even hold one glass of water."
"Hiccup," Jingles countered. Then he passed out again.
Meanwhile, the Petty Rivalry was shut down by government inspectors when they realized that the doors were barge-proof, which was against federal saloon code. Rather than contest the ruling or remove the doors, the proprietors instead opted to convert the business into a piano store.
In the end, the town was left without any saloon at all, and so its economy was ruined and everyone lived happily ever after.