Salamander Dan's Salamander Slam [it's skyrim]

Update 3

SpoilerShow

Commit a petty crime and frame your "master" with it.

Well okay that's a pretty good idea for dealing with Terriblix. We're gonna have to find a way to break this spell first, though.

>Keep on running for a few days in a straight line just to be sure

Salamander Dan would love to do just that!



Unfortunately, he can’t! He’s bound to an area centered on Terriblix’s cave, falling just short of the two nearest cities. Of course, the cities would be the best places to look for someone who knows anything about magic. We’re on our own here!

It doesn't count as murder/violence if you eat the remains afterwards, right?

NO IT COUNTS TWICE THEN.

you're trying to escape magic, and the opposite of magic is science, so you need to gather as much science as you can to break the spell!

Now there’s a great idea! You never see any warlocks doing science, do you? I mean sure there’s Terriblix’s stupid junior chemistry set, but that really doesn’t count. Salamander Dan strides off with purpose, determined to find the greatest sciences in (this small part of ) all of Skyrim! That’s right, nowhere to go but-



THAT IS A WOLF. OH GOD THAT IS A WOLF. Salamander Dan sprints away, doing his best not to scream loudly. Screaming loudly would just attract more wolves, and possibly Terriblix himself. This is a sneaking mission!



Salamander Dan handily gets away, running right into… slightly less dangerous wildlife? We discover a new location, at least, though there doesn’t seem to be much here. Certainly no science hiding in that pond there. Before we can even get a moment’s rest, though, there’s the sound of violence just across the tarn.

Deciding to investigate, Salamander Dan sneakily sneaks near, only to find… a pair of hunters inexplicably yelling in pain and shooting arrows at random wildlife. Lots of arrows. Their aim is really bad. They don’t even bother to take their kills with them, sending a stream of animal corpses rolling down the side of the hill. Seriously, the exact moment all the animals are dead, the hunters put their bows up and walk away. Salamander Dan resolves to never, ever get involved with these guys.



Salamander Dan finds a nice rock overtop a very sheer cliff, and recreates his favorite scene from the Lion King with Best Friend.

He quickly puts Best Friend back away and just enjoys the view, not wanting to drop it off a cliff.



Salamander Dan continues on a road down the mountainside, eventually finding a cave with an ominous name and more ominous decor. Really, he shouldn’t go in here at all, but curiosity gets the better of him. What if someone’s eating cheese inside? Or what if there’s science there? He can’t pass up on that.



Here’s how far we’ve come, by the way. We can’t really proceed much further in this direction, so this cave was a lucky find.



In this cave… A dead moose, and some skeevers. Dan, afraid of fighting some giant rats, decides to sneak around instead of confront them. He’s not about to start a fight with some wildlife anyway. The cave doesn’t look too promising though - what kind of scientist would have a moose corpse in their front room?

As he gets closer, the rats start staring at him. Nervously, Salamander Dan draws his iron dagger. He doesn’t remember how he got it, but it’s his only wepon. Going to have to do.



Also, this pops up. Someone is looking for Salamander Dan, apparently. How Dan knows this, or what he’s going to do about it, no one really knows. Maybe we can just ignore it and go on with our lives. Not like we can get to Whiterun now, anyway.



Naturally, Dan is awful at sneaking. The skeevers come right at him, and he has a vicious knife fight with them. They almost win, but fortunately, they run away once injured. Not before painting half the ramp red with their own blood. And Dan’s. Dan’s stupid robe is ruined.

Triumphant, Dan goes deeper into the cave, looking the antlers from the moose. They’ll make some great alchemical components, probably. It said so in that book he read. He continues down the narrow tunnel the skeevers ran into, still curious as to the secrets this cave holds.



THE SECRET IS WITCHES. No doubt an associate of Terriblix (though not one important enough to have a name), she comes running at Salamander Dan and tries to kill him with lightning. OF COURSE SHE DOES. Dan runs for his life, barely making it out of the cave alive. He continues running down the road, back where he came from, only to run into another pack of wolves that immediately try to kill him! Dan runs screaming back up to the Tarn. He also throws away his dagger, since technically we completed the mission of “not getting killed by a witch”. Maybe that doesn’t count. Dan dropped it anyway.

He decides to take a shortcut and descends the hill to the north, coming to a more major road in the process. There are two ways to go from here: left and right.



To the left… lots of running water.

...Let’s go right!



Right looks promising! There’s a big fort right there, at the bottom of the cliff. All Dan has to do now is find a way down, and then he can go inside and ask if anyone knows about science. After all, why would a perfectly good fort be hostile to an innocent, blood-covered traveller like Dan?

In fairness, most of the travellers in Skyrim are probably covered in their own blood. I’ve been playing for like fifteen minutes at this point and I’ve already gotten in about four different fights.



And number five soon shows himself! This elf pops out of absolutely nowhere (seriously, he’s invisible when he threatens me) and demands Dan’s valuables. Dan asks if it looks like he has valuables. The thief, possibly not actually able to see through Skyrim’s especially muddy graphics, decides that yes, Dan is carrying an entire treasury under those bloody robes. Dan runs away yet again.

Hiding behind a rock, Dan notices… yet another wolf sneaking up on him. He hightails it out of there, back where the thief came from. He sneaks around through the trees this time, even managing to level up his sneaking skills. Dan will have a usable character build in no time!



Strangely, the bandit seems to have forgotten about us. The eye thing clearly indicates he can see Salamander Dan, but he doesn’t seem to really give a shit. He’s just standing there. In plain sight. Maybe his invisibility wore off and he didn’t realize.

Dan quickly moves on!

...Why is everyone who wants to kill Dan an elf?



We’ve made it to the other side of the fort, at least. It’s still… way down there, though. Better be worth it.



To the other side… still no way down. This is a really inconvenient cliff, it has to be said. Dan moves on down the road, almost immediately running facefirst into yet another pack of wolves on the road. We might need to move up the timetable on that “becoming a werewolf” thing, maybe they’ll leave us alone then. (No they won’t.)

Giving up on the road entirely, Salamander Dan descends the side of the cliff, jumping precariously from rock to rock. Fortunately, Skyrim barely has a physics engine, so it’s not that difficult a task. Soon enough, Dan finds himself in an ash-covered land near what might be hot springs. They look hot enough to boil someone’s flesh right off their bones, to be honest. Dan resolves not to go for a swim if he can avoid it.

Can you guess what Salamander Dan runs into next?



If you guessed “more fucking wolves”, you’re right! Seriously, I don’t remember the game having nearly this many wolves, but I guess Salamander Dan can’t walk twenty feet without being jumped by a pack of wolves.

These wolves don’t seem interested in him, though. They’re more concerned with something hidden away by the darkness and steam.

(For those curious, I had to adjust the brightness and saturation for every single image in this post to make them not look like mud.)



It’s a giant. You know, the guys that send you to space if they so much as breathe on you. It also looks like the hot springs are hot enough to kill a mammoth, so Dan feels very justified in steering clear. This scene would probably be poignant if it wasn’t so stupid. The giant just looks… kind of disappointed.

Dan moves on. He levels Sneak again by going around the giant and friends. Looks like he’ll be leveling up pretty soon! Entirely by avoiding conflict and being afraid.



Finally, we reach our long-awaited goal: Mistwatch, apparently. Like every other building not in a city in Skyrim, it looks like it’s been in disrepair for centuries. Hopefully the inhabitants are friendly, though, and we can ask them about science. On the way in, someone out of sight draws a weapon, but immediately puts it away again. Probably why it says “detected” there - no doubt just a friendly lookout or something.



A drawbridge! That’s technology, which, as we know, is made of science! We’ve definitely come to the right place here.



Hahahaha no just kidding. The place is just full of bandits. Every fort in Skyrim is full of bandits. They don’t seem to actually do much besides stand around and fight everyone in sight. Fortunately, Salamander Dan’s sneaking training is coming in handy - the lookout doesn’t notice him at all.

Dan considers picking her pocket, but he’s so bad at picking pockets that she would definitely notice, and that’d be yet another person trying to kill poor Salamander Dan. He decides not to.



I will note that, though the rules state that Salamander Dan may not kill an intelligent being, there’s no rule against peacefully knocking them out. Maybe if he knocks out everyone in this camp, he can take whatever science they’ve stolen? He’s gonna do it! Salamander Dan is gonna do something bold! No more will he run. Today, the world will learn to fear and respect Salamander Dan!

Salamander Dan swings and misses completely, alerting every bandit in the entire camp to his presence.



Salamander Dan heroically leaps from the wall and runs for his life, his escape lit by a dramatic bolt of lightning. The bandit lookout starts shooting.

Yeah, somehow I took a screenshot during the fraction of a second where the whole world was lit by lightning.



YEAH UH THIS IS BAD

Dan runs and runs and runs, and then hides and hides and hides. He increases his sneak level yet again as the bandits eventually lose sight of him. That could have been bad. Salamander Dan won’t be trying that again. What was he even thinking?



On the way back, Salamander Dan notices this strange little island out in the hot springs. A ruin of some kind? Maybe there’s something he can use there. There’s gotta be something interesting, right? There’s no bandits or wolves, so it’s gotta be safe. Dan jumps to the island and creeps up to the top of the ruin, looking for hidden treasure. And, well… a skeleton pops out.



aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa



aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAA



AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA



AAAAAAAAAhuh?

This guy appears out of nowhere and shoves a clearly-stolen magical shield into Salamander Dan’s pockets somehow. Salamander Dan doesn’t even know how to use a shield. Arrows rain down from Skeleton Island during our conversation, but the skeletons don’t really know how to aim. It looks like the Fugitive is supposed to run away then, but instead of doing that he notices the skeletons and hides behind a nearby rock, not responding to anything anymore.

Finally, one of the skeletons hits its mark.



SALAMANDER DAN IS UNHAPPY WITH THIS DEVELOPMENT.



The sun comes up, ensuring that Salamander Dan’s head wound won’t heal properly. Our fugitive friend poses like last month’s internet memes as a mysterious figure approaches from the distance. Oh god, is that…



It is. It’s one of the hunters. He comes running from the distance, and without a moment’s hesitation, engages in a duel with the skeletons of Skeleton Island. His aim is as bad as theirs, so this goes on for a really long time.

To Salamander Dan’s horror, he suddenly switches target and guns down the unarmed, fleeing fugitive without remorse. And then immediately goes back to fighting skeletons. Dan creeps over to the fugitive’s corpse and, seeing as he’s already dead, loots a wooden club from his body. Score! Dan finally has a wepon. He also takes some nice fur boots from the man, putting them on and immediately tearing them to shreds on his stupid dinosaur feet. Great job, Salamander Dan.



“Did you see someone run past just now?” the hunter asks, looking directly at the corpse of the man who ran past just now.

“Yeah, he went that way,” replies Salamander Dan, pointing at the body.

“Great! Thanks! Bastard stole from me. I’ll catch him though!” the Hunter yells pridefully, before immediately putting his bow away and standing still in the boiling springwater, staring blankly. Salamander Dan nods his head and slowly backs away.

He keeps the shield, too. This guy doesn't deserve it.



Here’s another map of Salamander Dan’s journey. We’re actually pretty close to looping around to Shor’s Stone again, though Dan thinks better of it. Terriblix lives so close to the town that there’s no doubt he’ll be searching there.

Dan makes another pass by the mammoth pond. The giant is still there, in the exact same pose, six hours later. Salamander Dan is somewhat impressed by his determination. The wolves seem to have moved on though, no doubt to bother Salamander Dan along the way. Maybe it’s just been the same pack of wolves every time. Maybe they’re following him.

Ahead on the road, Dan hears a cry for help! He runs forward to investigate.



But it’s too late. The wolves already got him. Damn those wolves! Is no one safe from their reign of terror?

Salamander Dan isn’t. The wolf immediately gives chase. Even worse, even though it’s cloudy the game decides that Salamander Dan is still in the sun, and he doesn’t regenerate stamina! He quickly becomes unable to run as he flees into the mountains, the wolf keeping pace and shredding his ankles.

Dan chugs a potion, but he only has one. This is the end for him, unless he can think of something, fast! And think of something, he does. Dan pulls out wepon.



CLONK! Dan smacks the wolf upside the head, beating it senseless and sending it packing. Dan levels up his one-handed skill in the process. He’s almost to level 2! You’re finally getting somewhere in the world, Salamander Dan.

Oh yeah, if you’re wondering about the snowberries, I’ve been grabbing up all the alchemy ingredients along the way as well. Dan read a book on alchemy once, so he’ll need all that stuff! Probably. Or maybe he can just eat it. He certainly can’t eat all the wheels of cheese he’s carrying around.

Salamander Dan turns back to the road, but finds that it’s guarded by about four more wolves. It’s a shame, too, because there’s some kind of cool ruin-mound thing just across the way. Maybe later. For now, he limps up the mountain, seeking shelter from the sun.



Well, he finds something. Old stone archways, and a staircase leading higher. There has to be something good this way. Probably shelter! You don’t build a road up a mountain and then not put anything at the top.



And there is something, not that far up! It’s just a little watchtower of some kind, with some nice carvings and guardrails. Nothing of interest, but hey, it’s pretty. Dan climbs down and carries on.



Aha! There’s a small stone building just off the path, complete with a fancy metal head and everything! It even looks a little familiar, somehow.

The building is labeled “Dwarven Storeroom”, something Salamander Dan is somehow able to read. Dwarven? Hey, didn’t the dwarves invent science? This is perfect! Salamander Dan can plunder this storeroom, grab all the science, and use it to break the spell and escape Terriblix once and for all! Hurriedly, he runs inside and slams the door shut behind him.



Going down a small ramp, Salamander Dan finds himself in a small room. On one wall are a pair of shelves, covered with all sorts of scrap metal and levers and such. Dan gathers them all up, but they don’t seem to be especially scientific. If anything, they’re just really heavy. He also finds three lockpicks, which are just kind of… sitting out for some reason.

In the center of the room is something called an “Aurum Reactor”, which Salamander Dan has absolutely no idea how to operate. Pulling the lever accomplishes nothing. Maybe he’ll figure it out later.



With no other options, Salamander Dan attempts to pick the lock to this mysterious gate.

He breaks all three of his lockpicks almost instantly. Goddammit, Salamander Dan. He also discovers a door on another, non-pictured wall of the room, but without lockpicks he has no way to actually enter.



And… here we are. A tiny storeroom at the side of a mysterious road, full of further mysteries. What should we do now? Continue along the road looking for further mysteries? Turn back and try to find some lockpicks? Third thing? The choice is yours.