Salamander Dan's Salamander Slam [it's skyrim]

Update 2

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SpoilerConfirmed!

The following rules will be used in this playthrough, and may be updated further with additional suggestions:

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SpoilerGeneral rules:

1. Salamander Dan may only fast travel from bar to bar, and must purchase and drink any alcoholic beverage before doing so. Becoming drunk at any other location is meaningless.
   
2. Salamander Dan must consume every potato he finds. Each one grants a permanent +1% speed bonus. Forever.
   
3. Salamander Dan is obligated to protect any Argonian he finds on the road, until they reach their destination.
   
4. Salamander Dan must collect the first piece of junk he sees, and travel with it always. It’s his best friend, and must be referred to as such.
   
5. Salamander Dan is compelled to steal buckets and silverware.
   
6. Salamander Dan must always wear a hat. Helmets don’t count.
   
7. Salamander Dan may not use a weapon for more than one quest. At the completion of a quest, any weapons used therein must be stored away, forever. If Salamander Dan does not have a house, they get thrown on the floor upon mission completion. No selling them.
   
8. Salamander Dan is a peaceful man. He may not kill any intelligent beings. If a quest requires that someone die, Salamander Dan must get creative.
   
9. WEPON - Salamander Dan may only use weapons he finds sitting around. No buying or crafting weapons.
   

Vampire rules:

1. Salamander Dan must only feed on elf blood.
   
2. Salamander Dan may not enter a residence unless invited.
   
3. Salamander Dan may not cross running water, except at a proper bridge.

In addition, Salamander Dan has the following AMBITIONS:

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SpoilerLong-term Ambitions:

• Vampires are lactose intolerant. Argonians are also lactose intolerant. The singularity of cheese intolerance within Salamander Dan compels him to steal all of the cheese in the world, so that no one may ever enjoy it again.
  
• Salamander Dan must one day become a VAMPIRE WEREWOLF WARLOCK (you may suggest conditions under which Salamander Dan may become a werewolf).
  
• Salamander Dan must turn everyone into a lizard, to further his lactose-fueled revenge. He must devise some way of doing this (you may suggest conditions under which Salamander Dan may turn people into lizards).

Short-term Ambitions:

• Salamander Dan must escape his enthrallment.
  

More rules and ambitions may be suggested at any time - especially short-term ambitions (things like “own a house” or “get married” or “cover the Jarl of Whiterun with sweet rolls”).

Now, then, back to business. Salamander Dan comes to, realizing he’s been daydreaming for some time now. He’s going to have to check with his master immediately.



His master is this asshole, Terriblix the Great. A powerful warlock, and even worse, an elf. Salamander Dan should be feeding on him, not doing his bidding! But, of course, Salamander Dan can’t just say that to his face.

Terriblix doesn’t seem to have much for Dan to do right now, so he decides to do some tidying up.



Unfortunately, it looks like this bookshelf was already tidied up by someone. The fiend! Oh well, they left this mysterious glowy book here, at least. One of Salamander Dan’s very few skills is reading.



Salamander Dan learns something! This is no doubt the first step toward becoming a powerful warlock. You’ll see, Terriblix. You’ll all see! All one of you.



While making his rounds, Salamander Dan notices something… Potatoes. Terriblix’s potatoes. But… but he just can’t resist. Not potatoes. He can’t even look away. One-by-one, he shoves all eight of the potatoes into his mouth. Raw. He feels the slightest surge of speed afterward. Fortunately, Terriblix is so preoccupied by his alchemy that he doesn’t even notice Dan’s shenanigans.



It gets worse. Salamander Dan discovers, practically at his master’s feet… His other true passion. Buckets. He’s always liked the look of this bucket, and today… he just can’t resist its pull. He takes it, spilling the mead inside all over the place. Terriblix still doesn’t notice. Today, this bucket is more than just a bucket…



It’s a friend.



Having exhausted any and all activities inside of this cave, Salamander Dan decides to go outside, just to make sure everything is in order. He regrets this decision immediately, as it turns out it’s daytime outside. His vampiric flesh sears in the sunlight, though fortunately he had the foresight to wear a hood. Imagine if he was fully exposed to the sun! He’d probably burn and die. A vampire is nothing without a hat of some kind, after all.

He also discovers a potion lying on the ground outside. Weird. Potions aren’t supposed to be there.

Several seconds later, he hears coughing from above. Oh, no.



Oh, yes. It’s Terriblix’s annoying apprentice, Xloria Xrysanthemum. God, what a terrible name. It makes “Terriblix” look reasonable. Salamander Dan hates her and her stupid name with a passion.



Look, she’s even got another potion by her, dangerously close to the edge. God, Xloria, you’re terrible. Dan can’t even figure out how to pronounce her name, tripping over it several times as he tries to ask for that potion back. Xloria says something stupid and annoying that Dan doesn’t listen to, which makes it really hard to actually respond to it. After about ten minutes of mutually one-sided arguing, Dan steps around behind her and takes the potion with him. He’s never going to hear the end of this one.



There, back where they belong. The shelf is whole again. And not a moment too soon - Terriblix calls Dan over and gives him a task - he is to go to the nearby town of Shor’s Stone, and “retrieve” whatever alchemical ingredients he can manage for Terriblix’s latest project. Yes, that’s retrieve in quote marks. Salamander Dan has to perform a series of thefts, in broad daylight, as a vampire, while being unable to enter anyone’s home without invitation. Terriblix is the worst.



For those curious, here’s where we are in the world. Shor’s Stone is just a bit to the east, around those two roads north of Riften. Riften being the city in the southeast, of course. Just a short trek, thankfully. Salamander Dan just hopes he doesn’t get mauled by a bear along the way.

Along the way, he does encounter an obstacle in the form of water. But fortunately, it’s not running water, so he can just wade right on through. Take that, vampire rules!



Dan reaches Shor’s Stone without incident by late afternoon. A quaint little village, made up of just a few assorted houses and shops. And, of course, people. Too many people, who might react poorly to the sight of such a suspicious character as Salamander Dan.



Salamander Dan opts to sneak around through the shadows. There aren’t very many shadows yet at this time of day. He makes it about ten feet into town before this lady sees him. Of course, this lady doesn’t think anything of an Argonian with fangs creeping around in the shadows like this. The people of Shor’s Stone are awfully trusting.

Dan dispenses with the lurking around. He instead hits up the local inn, a reminder of the days when he could just drink the night away and wake up in another province of Tamriel entirely. Ah, the good old days.



Fortunately, the innkeeper invites him right in. He could probably have just gone in anyway, since it’s not really a residence, but hey, good to be sure.

Wait, what’s that?



No. NO.



DAIRY.

Salamander Dan steals a bunch of cheese and potatoes and skedaddles. Unfortunately, the inn contains no alchemical ingredients or anything. He moves on, stealing some more cheese and silverware from around town.



Salamander Dan also has an uncomfortable staredown with the owner of a shop. Yes, he’s allowed in here, but… Well, he can’t help but be suspicious.

Dan steals all of his cheese and potatoes and runs.



Town was a bust, sadly. Salamander Dan, determined to actually accomplish his goals, moves on! He finds this watchtower on the outskirts of town. There’s an unusual lack of activity around it, even by Skyrim NPC standards.



In Salamander Dan’s expert medical opinion, this person is no longer alive. In fact, everyone in and around the tower is a corpse. Dan decides to blame Terriblix for this. Seems like something that jerk would do.



There’s also this note inside. Dan doesn’t really care who the Stormcloaks are, but it looks like they’re dead now. Never gonna have to worry about Stormcloaks in the future, no-sir-ee.

He throws the note away. No reason to keep this junk.

Dan immediately steals two buckets. Score! He also steals, like, ten more potatoes, boosting his speed even more. I quickly begin to realize that this potato rule might have been a terrible idea. Potatoes are freakin’ everywhere in Skyrim.



And more importantly, Dan finds this! Four piles of salt, useful for… something alchemical. It didn’t say in the book. Surely Terriblix will be pleased with this. Dan packs it up, tries and fails to pick the lock on a chest with his bare hands, and skedaddles back to the cave as the sun sets. Xloria shouts something rude at him as he passes, but he ignores it. He just hopes that Terriblix isn’t mad about all the stuff he stole or the mess he made or any number of other things. That would be bad. But surely he won’t care that much, right?



OH GOD HE CARES THAT MUCH. RUN, SALAMANDER DAN!



On the way out, Salamander Dan is accosted by this angry Khajiit that definitely wasn’t there a minute ago. Must be a corpse Xloria reanimated. It really wants to fight.



And it disintegrates to dust at the slightest touch. Definitely Xloria’s work.



Xloria, jerk that she is, hides up in the rocks and yells at Dan a whole bunch. They stare each other down for an uncomfortably long time, but it turns out Xloria doesn’t know any spells with a range above “a few feet”. Dan is completely safe here. But, then again… Terriblix can’t be far behind.



Salamander Dan runs for his life, off into the unknown. Terriblix will be looking for him, of course, and he’s still bound to this region by the warlock’s fell magic. Salamander Dan is going to have to break out of his enthrallment, one way or another, before Terriblix can finish him off. But how? What’s he going to do next? How should he approach this with his pacifistic nature intact?

That, my friends, is up to you.