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cheese

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MY SANDWICH HAS CONQUERED ALL WORLDS, ALL SHALL BOW BEFORE IT

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This is update #209.

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SpoilerThe ear issue was prolonged by a not entirely lovely day yesterday that also meant I spent most of today with a really shitty headache, so you can probably gather that I've not been in a very good mood. However, having come back to my computer this evening after spending most of the day away, I've discovered that the Yogscast have started putting out their latest game of Civ, in which they've got all their worst players together to duke it out. It is legitimately called "War of the Worst".

The next twenty minutes are going to be amazing.

• THERE'S A WARNING SLATE AT THE BEGINNING they are basically warning me that what I am about to see may include scenes that some people may find distrurbing oh dear
  
• "VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISED" I'M SO READY
  
• okay Rythian is actually halfway competent just not necessarily in multiplayer and then there's Sjin who is capable of moments of blinding genius and then I guess the rest of them are um yeah...
  
• "We took the best players of civ... how do I hide the chat?" AAAAAAAAAAA
  
• Smiffy playing Babylon with a nice start (bit low on food, that's all): "I've played Civilisation twice before" uh
  
• THIS WILL GO COMPLETELY TO WASTE
  
• Mark Hulmes, Egypt: "I've currently having the terrifying decision of where do I start my first city, because I know everyone's gonna be like 'that was such a stupid play what the fuck?'" and the worst bit is it's an actual dilemma start there's a coastal-hill-mountain-river start one tile right that means moving away from the salt and initial growth hmmmmmm the observatory probably sways it though
  
• ...they are playing vanilla, right? There's no way they're inflicting the mod on people who can count the number of times they've played this game on the fingers of one hand, right? Right? So you can still get +50% science from an observatory...
  
• Trott, Poland: "I didn't realise we were adding this NoQuitters Mod, cool."
  
• WHAT
  
• THESE POOR BASTARDS
  
• I FEAR FOR THEM
  
• anyway that is a distressing amount of flat tundra for an NQMap start and I am too shell-shocked to say anything else
  
• Tom, Angor, Huns: "hey" LOOK AT ALL THOSE RESOURCES
  
• Rythian, Persia, this is the second time Rythian has played Persia and this is the second time I will insist they are not well suited to each other did someone just not let him pick Ethiopia? It's like me and Greece; there's that one player/civ combination that you know will tear the game apart so you just forbid it fair enough
  
• TURN YOUR RESOURCE ICONS ON FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS UNHOLY
  
• "I am looking forward to playing the entire game in strategic mode" DAMN RIGHT YOU ARE I LIVE FOR RYTHIAN'S STRATEGIC VIEW FOOTAGE
  
• Trott: "What is strategic mode?" AAAAAAAAAAA
  
• THE DISTRESSED SOUNDS MADE BY EVERYONE ELSE AS THEY TRY OUT STRATEGIC MODE "this game is already dry enough" aww
  
• Smiffy: "How do I get the research thing up?" AAAAAAAAAAAHH
  
• FOUND A CITY BEFORE YOU WORRY ABOUT RESEARC- oh you literally need to read the icons telling you where everything is now
  
• Sjin: "Pottery is good" *eye-twitch*
  
• wait what was Sjin again I saw it at the start and have already forgotten
  
• SJIN IS GENGHIS KHAN AGAIN HE WILL SUICIDE INTO A CITY STATE WITH ARCHERS ON TURN 60 AND DECLARE HIMSELF IRRELEVANT FOR THE REST OF THE GAME
  
• (the above prediction is DEFINITELY NOT BASED ON ANY PREVIOUS EVIDENCE)
  
• Smiffy: "There will be swearing in this series" guys I wouldn't want anything less
  
• SOMEONE HASN'T INSTALLED CORRECTLY
  
• SOMEONE FUCKED UP THE MAP INSTALL AND THEY'VE ENCOUNTERED THE TELEPORTING CITY GLITCH
  
• Smiffy has taken over a minute to figure out how to describe the fact his city is now called Persepolis
  
• they reloaded the turn 1 autosave, apparently unaware of the existence of the turn 0 autosave
  
• NEW STARTS OH BOY SIX MORE BULLET POINTS FOR YOU ALL
  
• now they are trying to figure out why Angor has more points starting out than anyone else (because the Huns begin with Animal Husbandry and so have four more points due to technologies "researched" (THE MORE YOU KNOW))
  
• Trott: "Is marble a luxury, just out of interest?" *eye-twitch*
  
• the worst part is that Trott and Smiffy are the sort of people who will ask questions when they don't know what's going on I'm so frightened for Mark who may not
  
• actually I can't be arsed to write out new start judgements but I think Sjin will win LOOK AT THAT THAT IS LUSH
  
• ...I didn't even know you could get marsh dyes. Poor Smiffy.
  
• Mark: "Do I settle on hills?" YES YES YESYYESYESYSEYESYES
  
• Trott that is not a Polish accent stop it also I am sorry about your start but at least flatland whales is one step up from flatland pearls, which is literally the worst
  
• RYTHIAN IS NOW MOROCCO BECAUSE REASONS (this is now the worst civ in the game under the command of the best player in the game that is slightly fairer)
  
• There's the flatland pearls! Poor Mark...
  
• "Do I want to be on the coast?" YOUR REGIONAL LUX IS PEARLS YOU HAVE FOUR SEA RESOURCES ON THE FOUR OCEAN TILES YOU CAN SEE OF COURSE YOU WANT TO BE ON THE FUCKING COAST HOW ELSE ARE YOU GOING TO IMPROVE THEM ARE YOU GOING TO STAND ON THE SHORELINE AND THROW HAMMERS AT THE OYSTERS BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE INEFFECTIVE
  
• he hovered over the hill two tiles away from the coast with the move command enabled and now I am dead
  
• yep Sjin is the only person to have played with the mod before that'll be interesting
  
• they avoided the glitch this time because Rythian didn't found his cap turn zero thank goodness
  
• actually Rythian's penchant for Piety will for once serve him well because it'll legitimately benefit him for once
  
• casual reminder that as of last game Sjin did not know what the number that appears in the circle when you tell a unit to move to a tile means
  
• wait no this needs a less casual reminder - when you select a unit, ask it to move, hover over a destination, a circle appears there with a number in it telling you how many turns it will take for the unit to get there and we know full well that Sjin does not know what that number means AND HE'S JUST PROVEN IT AGAIN this is amazing
  
• Nebuchadnezzar pronounced in a half-affected West Country accent is the best thing
  
• fun fact: the NQMod prevents you from getting a battering ram upgrade in a ruin so you can't commit murder in under ten turns as the Huns, hence why Angor is now gaping vacantly at his brand-new yet wholly unexpected spearman
  
• Mark: "I still don't understand things like the Culture Overview menu Rythian, don't try and confuse me" (screen cuts to Sjin finding the Culture Overview menu, opening it, moving his cursor slowly over the front page and then quietly noping the fuck out of there AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH
  
• SJIN THAT IS NOT HOW YOU SPELL PALLET TOWN WHAT YOU HAVE THERE IS AN ARTISTIC COMMUNE NOT A POKEMON LOCATION
  
• Sjin's fully ecstatic, utterly unbridled joy at discovering... wait for it... Old Faithful. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH
  
• Mark confused production and science and I confused laughter with choking
  
• I cannot accurately compare Sjin's response to discovering Old Faithful (which is not amazing) to Sjin's reponse to discovering Mt. Sinai (which is the bee's fucking knees) because they were of the wrong orders of magnitude
  
• Sjin: "you guys want to be looking for places to put down more cities" Angor: "oh yeah - that is a mechanic that you need to do" RYTHIAN AND TROTT THOUGHT IT WAS A ONE CITY CHALLENGE BASED OFF OF SJIN'S PREGAME TROLLING
  
• SJIN COULD YOU PLEASE STOP TROLLING THESE THOUGHTLESSLY GULLIBLE NINCOMPOOPS
  
• TROTT AND MARK BETWEEN THEM CANNOT COUNT TO SIX
  
• THREE PLUS THREE IS NOT SEVEN
  
• Smiffy: "I've already drunk two bottles of fizzy water and I need to urinate."
  
• THESE PEOPLE ARE TRUE PROFESSIONALS
  
• Trott: "I think it's important for new players to know bladder control before playing Civ 5 multiplayer" from experience this is a true statement just saying
  
• AND THAT'S ALL FOR NOW FOLKS

tl;dr - AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH

I'm pretty sure this passes 0 and -1? I read the whole thing once and then skimmed it again.

I just read all of that. Can I have a little prize?





WIN

this post gains no prizes or negaprizes

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DETERMINATION.

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Reyweld, reading all of that is most definitely an act deserved of a prize. Unfortunately I am just going to bed so it is not entirely convenient for me to arrange one for you at this time; if you are prepared to wait on me, however, then rest assured, I will reward your patience...

(...with another prize. Obviously. That's why I specifically used "reward" there...)

This post passes 2 rules and 1 negarule.

The prize should just be another post like it, that I read all the way through, deserving another little prize, which in turn is another long post, ect.

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And each post longer than the previous.

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Well, if the upload schedule is daily like the previous games, then I imagine I can provide... otherwise I am pretty confident that I can string several hundred words together into something vaguely resembling a shadow of a simulacrum of a Real Good Post with actual merit and content that is worth your while to read...

(also Shredded presuming you read this I only just found the messages you sent to Kepler last night)

(...I am going to assume that I missed something really cool...)

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• Sjin is more experienced in terms of number of games than the rest of them combined, and still manages to be by far the least competent
  
• Sjin and Tom both spent 30 seconds trying to move a unit without any moves left, when they could have just ended their turn.
  
• AUTO-END TURN
  
• Neither Zoey or Sips were present
  
• Or Caff. I was kind of looking forward to having somebody worse than Sjin.
  

What is a good starting research, by the way?

I don't think you can blame them for the teleporting cities glitch, it's not like they've researched every known NQ bug. But it is pretty pitiful that they manage to improperly install a Steam Workshop mod.

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