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Sharkalien · 07-17-2016, 09:14 PM

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>Leo: Perform a magical pirouette swan-dive out of the window and obtain the beta yourself.

waht a eggscellent idea

>Leo: Your Mom must be confronted; The fastest route is out and down; Defenestrate yourself; You've got some Falling to Do.

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hopy shit

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the earf sawllohws you hole!!!!!

your fuckig dead

>Go back

>Leo: Prostrate yourself to MOM and beg for the mail.

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If you go down stairs to get it, she will likely monopolize hours of your time. You decide to chill out up here for a while until the dust settles.

Sometimes you feel like you are stuck in this room. Held, if you will, in a sense which possibly fringes on the eponymous.

Looks like a chum is trying to get in touch with you. You ought to tell them how IT is about to HIT the FAN in your house.

Whatever. You got worthless shitpoints to rack up first.

>Leo: Examine Mouth Sounds poster.

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You climb up onto your bed to get a real good look of this real good-looking poster.

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Oh, NEIL. How can we be as glorious as you?

THE MAN, THE LEGEND, and THE BRAINS behind the "MOUTH" series and SHITPOINTS™ system. Ever since the debut of MOUTH SOUNDS last year, he's been churning out mashup albums like there's no tomorrow!
Here are just a couple he's put out so far:

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Honestly, you'd prefer a new LEMON DEMON album over a joke one any day, but you'll take what you can get.

You just hope he's content with all the shitpoints he's rolling in.

>Leo: Kiss the Cicierega poster in the interest of gaining said points.

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You consider kissing the poster strictly for the purpose of a SHITPOINT TRANSACTION, but it occurs to you that might be a bit too pleasurable? If anything, it would COST shitpoints.

But... those lips...

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They're so lush and plump...

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You KISS the man on the lips, SHITPOINTS BE DAMNED.

This goes on for a good three minutes.

Okay, that's enough of that. You're going to ruin the poster.

>Leo: Level up!

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You reach the prestigious ASSGENIE rank and are awarded TWO (2) TURD TOKENS for the vapid deed.

Hey, now you can afford that keyboard solo!

>Leo: Don ye mechanical arm and slay the mother beast, retrieve thine treasure post haste.

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But there's still not enough for a favorable fight, or even whatever the hell KITE SAILING is.

God, why do you even bother?? At this rate, you'd have gained enough points to momentarily almost smile by the age of 80!

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What you need is an edge over her. Something you can't get from an arbitrary bullshit game construct. Something...

Outta this world.

>Leo: Examine contents of OUTTA SPACE CHEST.

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In here you keep an array of artistic and whimsical ARTIFACTS, each one a devastating weapon in the hands of a WICKED MUSICIAN or a STUNNING JACK OF ALL TRADES.

You are a master of none.

Among the ARTIFACTS are: ONE (1) R/C ARM and REMOTE GLOVE [CURRENTLY CAPTCHALOGUED TOGETHER IN YOUR SYLLADEX], ONE (1) STANDARD DECK OF CARDS, ONE (1) TOY ACCORDION, ONE (1) ALIEN ANTENNAE HEADBAND, ONE (1) PAIR OF BEAGLE PUSS GLASSES, ONE (1) MODEL FLYING SAUCER, SEVERAL (~) BLOOD CAPSULES, ONE (1) COPY OF "90'S DESIGN 101", and ONE (1) COPY OF "THE BERENSTEIN BEARS' COMPUTER TROUBLE", BY JAN AND MIKE BERENSTEIN.

Some of this stuff may come in handy at some point. For now, you decide to just take the BLOOD CAPSULES.

>Leo: Grab a weapon and confront your Mother. Preferably an incredibly shitty weapon, like that guitar standing against your wall.

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It's a keytar numbnuts.

THE MOST SHOCKING TWIST YET.

You allocate your MIDI KEYTAR to your STRIFE DECK.

>Leo: Examine blue music note.

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That's just your OTAMATONE (オタマトーン), and alongside it your STYLOPHONE, two toy instruments of sweet analog goodness. You just wish the Otamatone had a polyphonic keyboard instead of a ribbon controller, and that the Stylophone didn't need a stylus to play notes.

If only you could combine the characteristics of two or more objects, like a keyboard and a guitar. WOW, wouldn't that be something?

>Leo: Investigate brown specks leading up to your window sill.

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Whoa, how did you not notice this earlier? A large trail of ANTS coming through a crack in your windowsill is kind of a hard thing to miss.

They seem to be amassing towards a specific point...

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No wonder there are so many ants, there's a fucking open bag of FRUIT GUSHERS. How long has this been here?? That's not even same font they use anymore!

Wait a minute... is that... Shrek?
That movie came out in 2001.

Has this box of hexagonal fruit snacks really been back here for 15 years?

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AUTHOR'S NOTE

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