Post making contest 3.0

????????

Passes 2.

spider spider spider spider spider spider spider spider
i feel like i am in pain niap ni ma i ekil leef i

Passes 4 and 5.

This is update #127.

Ix I'm watching the Game Grumps Civ 5 video you mentioned and I must say they're off to a great start? I mean they settled on spot, based their tech choice off a joke and now they've opened Piety with no faith pantheon... this'll be hilarious.

(also I'm presuming they've been started in western Russia? So they've just walked entirely the wrong way to get to, um, anything?)

End of message.

Passes 1.

This is update #128.

"Maybe a calendar isn't our ultimate goal here, Ross."

YOU HAVE A CALENDAR LUXURY

AND ARE EXPLORING WITH A WORKER

YOU DIDN'T EVEN READ THE TOOLTIP FOR THE POLICY YOU JUST SELECTED IT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING UNTIL YOU HAVE A RELIGION

THIS IS AMAZING

End of message.

Passes 4.

This is update #129.

Fun Civ V fact: if you're on Settler difficulty, barbarians cannot enter your borders. They are currently freaking out over their perceived inability to protect their workers.

THEY JUST AUTOMATED THEM that is usually a bad thing but in this case that'll mean THEY ACTUALLY GET SOME IMPROVEMENTS

and they're never going to build a shrine at this rate, despite having OPENED PIETY

(oh huh that looks like Rome down in Africa that'll be interesting)

Passes 4.

If you're watching Game Grumps for good gameplay, don't.

Watch for good gameplay, that is. Just laugh at the ineptitude because although I couldn't do any better, it's still hilarious.

Passes 3.

This is update #130.

"I think we're in... uh, France?"

*eye twitch*

"I know there's nothing up there in Europe, but like, Greenland?"

*eye twitch*

OH THEY FINALLY MET ROME, BY WHICH I MEAN THEY MET THEM and he opened Piety well well well AND THEY'VE ALREADY PISSED HIM OFF thank goodness it's only Settler difficulty

THEY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO CLOSE THE CITY STATE SCREEN PFFTHAHAHAHAHAHA

and they JUST GOT SCARED BY A ROMAN SETTLER THINKING IT WAS GOING TO ATTACK THEM um about that

"Unorganised Religion, more like" *nods head* yes plus one faith and culture from shrines and temples will help WHEN YOU HAVE NEITHER

"I kinda think we're in trouble here" "you told Augustus Caesar to go fuck himself while you're making clay pots" *contented sigh*

THEY JUST DECLARED WAR

and they have been moving that worker back and forth between those two forest tiles for twenty turns now

*runs archer unit straight into Antium* PFFTHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

...they don't know how to zoom out, do they?

"in a few turns we'll have soldiers and iron" YEAH ABOUT THAT YOU DON'T HAVE IRON SORRY

...you've asked a warrior to kill a barbarian galley? Um.

"I'm pretty sure you can do things with these [workers] every turn" CONGRATULATIONS YOU HAVE THE RIGH- wait no you're still walking back and forth between two forests, albeit different ones now.

"What's a caravan?" "It said what it was before you clicked on it." "I'm not going to read those things!" THIS IS HILARIOUS

"too bad we're all about the religion" YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A PANTHEON IT IS 840BC

THEY ARE NOW TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE A CARAVAN AND SOMEONE THINKS IT'S A CAMEL ARCHER it's been three minutes THEY FOUND THE DO NOTHING BUTTON THE "ESTABLISH TRADE ROUTE" BUTTON IS JUST ABOVE IT ARGLEBLARGLEFLARGETARGLE the best bit is they're going to have exactly the same problem next turn

also that's Indonesia over there in Asia, so two of the three AI are surprisingly close? there's probably one isolated in the Americas? normally you'd worry about them being a runaway buuuuuuuuuuut you know how it is

"ooh, an ideology! We're gonna get there!" NO YOU'RE HONESTLY NOT

Kíeros I'm definitely not watching for the gameplay this was brought up as a shining example of how not to play AND THAT's EXACTLY WHAT IT IS hence why it is so hilarious.

End of message.

Passes 1 and 3.

This is update #131.

THEY FIGURED OUT HOW TO ZOOM OUT FINALLY now can they figure out how to zoom back in YES THEY CAN

"What's that you've build there?" "I think that's a mine?" "Isn't that a monument?" "Yeah, you're probably right, that's a monument" THIS IS THE BEST THING

It is turn 67, and they're about to start building the Great Library THEY ALSO ONLY JUST NOTICED CUMAE IT'S BEEN THERE FOR EIGHT TURNS

I DON'T THINK THEY UNDERSTAND WHAT A MOUNTAIN IS

THEY PICKED THE "RIGHT" PATRONAGE POLICY BY EENEY MEENEY MINY MOE I SHOULD NOT BE LAUGHING THIS LOUD AT THIS HOUR (in my defence I was not expecting this video to be an hour long)

THEY ARE ALSO INCAPABLE OF DISTINGUISHING THEIR UNITS (coloured white) TO BARBARIANS (coloured black)

it is 80 AD they still don't have Calendar how can they even tell it's Anno Domini?

what are they going to pick for their GL free tech betting it's the cheapest possible one THEY PICKED MASONRY I WAS RIGHT AND THEY PICKED IT TO BUILD THE PYRAMIDS WHICH a) have already been built and b) they do not have the right social policy tree open for them to be able to build BUT IT'S FINE THEY'LL FORGET THEY WANTED THEM ANYWAY

"oh wait you can actually attack with the buildings?" *headdesk* THIS CONTINUES TO BE THE BEST

BUT I AM GOING TO BED NOW BECAUSE IT GOT LATE SOMEHOW maybe watching an hour-long video was not a good idea

(the context for this is that I am quite good at Civ, I enjoy watching it played well, but moreover I really enjoy watching it played badly and then moaning about how terribly it's being played; this is to the point where the only thing I have ever used Reddit for is being one of those people who try to explain Civ to the Yogscast. Upon mentioning my love of poorly-played Civ V videos to Ix, they suggested the Game Grumps videos and this turns out to have been a wonderful recommendation thank you muchly)

(and now I want to play Civ I JUST HAVE TO MAKE IT TO MONDAY AND I CAN)

Passes 4, and I think only 4 but I might have missed something valid in there.

"Tomorrow, I promise breakfast spaghetti to all in need who are within 10 meters of my house." - something I never said, ever

** But that doesn't mean I won't do it!! **

Passes 2.

octopus
octopus
octopus
octopus
octopus
octopus
octopus
octopus

Passes 2.

sruix i'm real glad you're enjoying the single worst playthrough of civ 5 i can imagine

it is pretty long though i should have warned you

Passes 5 and 3.