Horoscopes (the voices in your head were right)

Aries (March 21 - April 19):
Be on the lookout for stray cats. If you touch one, you'll be plagued with dead rodents and birds for the rest of the year. And then a dead cat.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20):
If you find candy in your freezer, make sure to eat the red ones first. That way, the taste of blood won't linger.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20):
You should probably stop reading this and go put out that fire.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22):
All of your fears are perfectly rational, considering what's going to happen to you tommorow.

Leo (July 23 - August 22):
She knows, but she's waiting for you to tell her. Get on with it before you regret your inaction.

Virgo (August 23 - September 21):
Eat plenty of garlic tonight, and sprinkle some salt and rice at every entrance. At least then you'll feel safe.

Libra (September 23 - October 22):
That letter wasn't intended for you. Don't touch it and it will disappear after 3 days.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21):
Stop and smell the roses. If you don't take this time to pause, you'll get caught in the freak accident about to happen up ahead.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21):
You only have dandruff because God doesn't love you. Frankly, the stars concur.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19):
When life gives you lemons, eat them whole. Prove you are the alpha human, once and for all.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18):
Today you will luck out in the world of romance. Good for you!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20):
You're getting drunk tonight. The stars demand it.

If today is your birthday: You will encounter a stripper, a preacher, and a man with a weird scar. Choose wisely, your wallet is at stake!