The Disposable Enquiry [Round 1: Kyyhkynen]

APERTURE AND STAPLES IS MUCH BETTER THAN GENTLEMANLY AND STAPLES WILL EVER BE

THEREFORE I AM TAKING THE PROFILE I WROTE FOR APERTURE AND STAPLES AND MAKING IT MORE DAPPER

Username: Poison Yer Pick
Theme Words: Gentlemanly, Staples
Name: ASMAIFAS (Aperture Science Artificially Intelligent Fully Automated Stapler)
Gender: Male
Race: Aperture Science Artificially Intelligent Fully Automated Stapler
Color: #FF7F00
Description: ASMAIFAS consists of a large staple gun, about the size of a car muffler and firing equivalently scaled staples, situated on top of a rotating cylindrical shaft. The shaft is held up by four legs, which allow it to rotate both horizontally and vertically. A the end of each leg is a rotating wheel, which let ASMAIFAS move around. On top of the staple gun is a camera, Wall-E-esque in design, which also contains a speaker somewhere inside it. The camera also has a monocle on one side, and a tiny top hat, made of aluminum and painted black, is perched on top.

As seen in the various advertisements for the Aperture Science Artificially Intelligent Fully Automated Stapler (which you may have seen in some of the magazines of your preference), ASMAIFAS has a personality. Unlike all the others, his personality has the flaw of being an actual personality, and a dapper one at that, and not the hollow replica of a personality that the consumer models require. He is also, for some inexplicable reason, British.

Weapons and Abilities: STAPLE GUN. THE SIZE OF A CAR MUFFLER. Seriously, what else needs saying?

Biography:

"Cave Johnson here! Have you ever wished you could staple something to a wall in a more effective and/or entertaining manner? Then the Aperture Science Artificially Intelligent Fully Automated Stapler is just the thing for you! Gone are the days of wanting larger staples or wishing you could staple objects from a distance - with the Aperture Science Artificially Intelligent Fully Automated Stapler, your stapling range is increased to more than thirty meters on a non-windy day. How could we make this offer better, you ask? What if we said you could staple things to a wall from thirty meters - without lifting a finger? That's right, the Aperture Science Artificially Intelligent Fully Automated Stapler is an artificially intelligent, fully automated stapler, allowing it to staple anything and everything simply by being told to! Tired of your coworkers not getting your memos? Make your point clear with the comically oversized staples from the Aperture Science Artificially Intelligent Fully Automated Stapler. They can't ignore your paper when the staples for it are the size of their own wimpy staplers!"

-magazine advertisement for the Aperture Science Artificially Intelligent Fully Automated Stapler

"Go staple this to the message board," Fred said, handing ASMAIFAS a memo. "There's something wrong with that bot," he remarked as he watched ASMAIFAS trundle out of the meeting room.

"You see something wrong with everything," grumbled Bill. He'd found he was out of coffee this morning and didn't feel like talking, but he knew from past experience that Fred wasn't really one to take a hint.

"I think someone installed a higher-end AI core in it by mistake," Fred continued, oblivious to any and all hints as expected. "It was asking me why its staples had to be so big. And it sounded British. They're not supposed to do that."

Bill reluctantly turned his attention to the conversation. Despite how little he felt like talking, he liked stewing in silence even less. Besides, Fred was right. "You know, now that you mention it, I vaguely recall it asking me why I drank coffee instead of getting more sleep." He scratched his head. "I thought it was just delivering a message from one of my coworkers at the time, but now I'm not so sure."

Fred's watch beeped and he glanced down at it. "Well, my shift's starting. You want me to let someone know about the bot?" Bill nodded, rubbing his eyes. "Alright, will do. You take care." Fred walked out of the room and peered down the hallway. "Odd, the bot's gone. And it dropped the paper I wanted it to staple, too! Just great."