Noise Lights: A Text Adventure- Sweet and Sour Victory

>Eh, probably just some kid. Hopefully just some kid. Who knows?

Hmm, it would certainly take a child to behave so irrationally immature. You will never understand why some people seem to think that simply making car noises will get a vehicle to magically start; as if the finer workings of modern metallurgy will suddenly cave to the whims of a simpleton. Hate to disappoint, but two hundred and fifty years worth of mechanical sciences says, “no.” You're not just pulling this out of nowhere, either. You've actually seen people do this. All over the mall you've seen kids riding those fake cars that are bolted to the floor while making all kinds of “vroom-vroom” noises, like they expect the damn things to just grow an engine and uproot themselves from the ground. Those children are in for a hard life lesson when they finally get to their first driver's ed class.
If it is a kid, though, why would they be out here? Are they a local? No, they couldn't be; there's no signs of civilization beyond the abandoned shack you're currently inside. Frankly, you wouldn't even expect an adult to be able to live out here for very long. They'd be eaten, or flayed alive, or mind controlled to sing show tunes for the rest of their life by one of the wild animals that live in the woods. They'd need innate survival instincts equal to your own to last even a minute out here. Could they be a stowaway? Unlikely, there's no place they could've hidden where you wouldn't have found them during your earlier search for the truck's keys. The only logical explanation would be that you were followed. Perhaps whoever followed you here is the one that filled you're brother's truck full of deadly snakes. You know what would be going on there, it's obvious that was an assassination attempt. If that's the case, then their first mistake was sending a helpless child to kill you. You do certainly have a few people that might want to off you, but no one that should know that you're out here. Unless, that is, your brother was a big, fat squealer tattletale and told everyone you stole his truck to drive out in the middle of the woods on a Saturday.
Actually, speaking of your brother, another possible scenario is that he got angry about you not bringing his truck back when he wanted you to, so he came out here to get it back and yell at you. You certainly wouldn't put it past him to think that making dumb mouth noises would start a truck, even though he's never tried doing it before and never given any indication he ever would, you wouldn't put it past him because of how dumb and ugly he is. It would be surprising that he followed you to someplace so dangerous, but then again, he's done that before. He's probably trying to start the truck to get you to hurry up. He wouldn't be able to use the horn since you went out of your way to break it a while ago.

>Flip a coin, heads you investigate, tails you ignore the noise.

Now that the idea of your brother being outside and trying to start the truck in an attempt to get you to hurry is even a vague possibility, you're sorely tempted to take as much time as you possibly can. Though, if it is just some dumb kid, you'd have no reason to not go outside. In fact, you'd have all the more reason to go out there. It would mean that some ignorant adolescent basket-case is out there in your claimed mode of transportation thinking they can drive off with it through sheer willpower and make-believe. Naturally, you'd be inclined to put them in their place and correct their flawed beliefs through the medium of informative shouting. Just like all those times you did at the mall.
This is going to be tricky. If it's your brother out there and you step outside for a shouting match, you won't have the pleasure of ignoring him and making him wait while he's in a hurry, but if it is some dumb kind you wouldn't be able to tell them that they're wrong about everything right away, which would clearly take all priority at this point. You could just peek out the window and see who it is, but the truck is so close that whoever is out there would surely see you too. The stakes are incredibly high no matter which side of the coin you choose. Oh, there's an idea! You have so many pennies in your inventory you can just flip a coin to decide. That way you'll be free from any responsibilities for your actions, and if the outcome is something you don't like you can claim it isn't your fault. Okay, if it comes up heads you'll look out the window to see who it is, if it's tails you'll ignore them. You begin rummaging in your inventory for a penny.

Codex: “The Softmind Software^tm brand eCodex has detected that you wish to flip a coin. Would you like to install the new coin flipping function application?”

The electronic codex in your inventory crackles to life seemingly without provocation. This would be startling if it hadn’t done the same thing several times already. Telling you inane trivia about keys, soda, and toy companies; you know, stuff you already knew and is common knowledge to everyone who isn't an amnesiac or brain dead. Instead of grabbing the penny like you wanted, you wearily pull out the codex.

Codex: “Would you like to instal the new coin flipping application? Please state 'yes' or 'no.'”

You: “No, I do not want the coin flipping function. I have plenty of coins already. My cup runneth over with coins.”

Codex: “I'm sorry, I didn't understand that. Please say 'yes' or 'no.'”

Your grip tightens ever so slightly on the codex.

You: “No.”

Codex: “You have indicated that you do not want to install the coin flipping application. Is this correct?”

You: “Yes.”

Codex: “You have said 'yes.' This is to indicate that you wish to download the coin flipping application, correct?”

Your eye begins twitching.

You: “No, I do not want the damn coin flipping function. I want you to cancel the download and then turn off!”

Codex: “The eCodex has detected swearing. Would you like to listen to an article about the history of profanity while your new coin flipping application downloads?”

You start grinding your teeth.

You: “No, I don't want to listen to an article! I don't want a coin application! I don't want anything but sweet silence!”

Codex: “You have canceled the History of Profanity article and your new coin flipping function application has finished downloading. The Coin Flip application is now active, would you like to set the probability variables?”

You glare at the codex in your hand, wiling as much hate and anger you can at it.

Codex: “Confirmed. The first variable concerns which side is facing up before being flipped. There is a 51% chance that the side already facing up will also be the side facing up after it has been flipped. Would you like to adjust this variable to make it even, more, or less; or would you prefer to leave it unchanged?”

You do nothing but stare at the codex.

Codex: “Confirmed. This variable will remain unchanged. Next are the atmospheric variables. Do you have any preferences for temperature, weather, and wind current?”

You close your eyes and take a deep breath.

Codex: “Confirmed. The atmospheric variables have been set to a pleasantly balmy spring day with a wind current ideal for flying kites. Finally, is the luck variable. How lucky would you like the coin flip to be?”

Keeping your eyes closed, you sharply exhale.

Codex: “Confirmed. The application will apply the amount of luck you have displayed so far that this device has recorded since activation. The application shall now begin the coin flipping process. Loading, please wait. The coin is placed on the end of a thumb and sent skyward. The weather is calm and mild and does not interfere with the coin as it glitters in the sunlight while spinning midair. The coin misses the hand and lands on its side on the pavement. The coin rolls out of reach down a storm drain. There is no discernible outcome. Thank you for using the Coin Flipping Function Application licensed by Softmind Software^tm. Please consider visiting the application store for more useful programs dedicated to your convenience.”

[THE STATUS EFFECTS ANGRY AND UTTERLY DEFEATED HAVE CANCELED EACH OTHER OUT. YOUR CURRENT STATUS EFFECT OF TENTATIVELY BRAVE REMAINS UNCHANGED. FOR NOW.]

You slowly, very slowly, put the electronic codex back into your inventory. You remove a single penny and flip it. It comes up heads. You begin walking over towards the window.

>Prepare for battle.

You continue to hear the inane chatter of someone mouthing out motor sounds. You hold your mallet and fake gun at the ready. It will be best if you're prepared for a rumble. If it's some dumb kid, despite lacking obvious mechanical skills, they were probably sent here to kill you by some shadowy person you can't be bothered to remember and therefore are at least slightly dangerous. If it's your brother, he deserves to be smacked around a little, just because. As you approach the window, you peer through the rain streaked glass pane to the outside. Immediately you notice some differences from the last time you looked out there. It's not very dark outside anymore. In fact, it's fairly well lit. It can't be the moon, and it should be nowhere near morning yet. The light looks artificial and concentrated. Like someone hung a large stage light somewhere just out of view. The expanse of claustrophobically packed trees is completely gone and replaced with a solid concrete wall. The wall is painted with a crudely done backdrop of trees in what can only be described as a half-blind attempt at disguising it. The ground and sky are gone and replaced with more concrete. The concrete ceiling is covered with a very conspicuous sprinkler system most likely in place to simulate rain. That would also explain the spot light, it was probably placed to try and imitate moon light. The concrete floor is covered in brown and green patches of paint, but still mostly bare gray, like whoever tried disguising the floor just gave up after dumping just a few buckets of paint. All of the paint you can see is slightly runny and washed away, probably whoever did the paint job didn't wait until it was completely dry before turning the sprinklers on. The most glaring difference of all, however, is the complete absence of your brother's truck, and, in it's place, stands a lone figure wildly miming out turning a steering wheel.
The momentary concern you had about the inexplicable change to your surroundings is quickly overshadowed when you realize that this figure is the source of the motor mumbling. You pound your fake gun holding fist against the window to get his attention. Boy oh boy is this joker going to get an earful. Instead of looking at you right away, he turns around away from you, as if he isn't sure where the noise came from. You see that this person is wearing the same clothes as you, just like the last guy was. You also see that his back has an unnatural arch to it, as well as what appear to be metal pistons pumping in and out of holes burnt into the back of his jacket alongside small plumes of blackened exhaust. His torso involuntarily shakes and spasms in unison with the rapid movement of his present back pistons causing his other limbs to slightly shake as well. When he finally turns far enough to face you head on, you see covering where his eyes would be, two glowing headlights. The kind you'd see on a car. Actually, these headlights are identical to the ones on your brother's truck. They're even cracked in the same places. The figure continues to spout out fake engine noises as he stares right at you. His mouth isn't moving along with the sounds he's making. You see sparks in his mouth as it silently utters complete gibberish while his lit eyes flash in sync with his words instead. He breaks into a full sprint and comes barreling right at you. Before you can react he dives headfirst through the window, shattering the glass. You are knocked to the floor when the two of you collide. The figure's entry is halted and your knees hit the wall as he grabs you by the shoulders in an attempt to pull himself all the way inside. A torrent of water drips off of his body and drenches yours as he lets go of your shoulders and frantically claws at the floor, his feet seem to be caught on the windowsill. He still hasn't stopped puttering out motor sounds. This close, you actually start hearing another sound. The very heavily muffled sounds of an actual motor seemingly coming from deep within his body. Through his flashing headlight eyes, you see that while the skin on his face is fairly normal, beneath the glass around his eye sockets is skinless, bare muscle. You can't see, not that you'd want to, whatever source is emanating the light from his sockets. It's too deep. His mouth moving independently from the nonsense he's shouting, you can see live spark plugs popping with electricity sticking out of his gums with small clusters of human teeth jammed in between them. Black, searing hot motor oil drips out of his mouth onto your face.

Other-other-you: “Skree! Beep-beep! Vroom! Grrrrrv! Blam-o!”


Player Statistics:

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SpoilerStatus: TENTATIVELY BRAVE

Death Count: 5

Inventory:
1 can of dehydrated cans, add water for more cans
1 book (read) titled Staying Delicious: Keep Your Cool as a Fool
1 electronic codex, coin flipping app has been billed to your account
1 legalese document
1 extend-o-grab
1 mallet
1 pistol
1 fistful of pennies
1 bunch of coupons
1 keys

Abilities:
A Kall To Keys [X]
Stat Tat [X]
Honeyed Vinegar [X]
Pseudosmarts [ ]

And KISS!

Codex:

Show Content

SpoilerReferred to by the scientific community as the Varetó Genikés, this common species of octopus can be found sporadically along the coasts of the Pacific Northwest with larger concentrations located in the Puget Sound. Recent studies have determined that this previously overlooked group is actually a distant cousin of two more notable species of octopus, the Mimic Octopus and the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus. These small in size octopuses were considered completely unnotable for the longest time as a result of their seeming lack of any specially defining traits or abilities. It was only within the last few decades that it has been placed in the public eye. Outside of its binomial name, it is referred to colloquially by many as the Motor Octopus; even more colloquially by some as the Autopus, despite the objections of many. It received this name due to recent developments of emergent behavior found in certain groups of the species. They have become known, contrary to the typical solitary octopus behavior, for gathering together in swarms and hijacking cars. Their motivations go beyond a desire to commit simple automotive larceny, however. The scientific community would like to remind the public that this octopus' ability to move vehicles, even ones containing no gas, comes from direct manipulation of the vehicle's mechanics and not from making motor sounds with their beaks. Through this direct manipulation, the colony of octopuses will maneuver the car to patrol the streets in search of hitchhikers and anyone else who can be coaxed into entering the vehicle. Upon entering, the doors will be locked and the passenger will be swarmed by hundreds of small octopuses wherein said passenger will be eaten alive.
Though vehicles inhabited by the motor octopus have been found as far away as isolated rural back-roads miles away from the coast, the motor octopus usually prefers to limit its hunting grounds to coastal cities such as Seattle, Tacoma, Almsport, Seaside, and Tillamook, where they are least likely to be spotted in the heavy traffic as well as having a more plentiful food source and easy access to the ocean. It is currently unknown why some members of the species take to stealing cars and eating people while others stay in the sea as studies have shown no noticeable physical differences between the two. It is also unknown why the Motor Octopus has taken to this behavior in the first place. Documented reports of Motor Octopus attacks have occurred as far back as 1982. The attacks are almost always the typical technique of picking up a passenger followed by locked doors and an easy meal, but there have been a few notable incidents that differed from the norm. The Motor Octopus has been known to hide inside already owned cars to wait for the driver to return and eat the owner when they attempt to start the vehicle. Many believe this is how the octopuses first obtain a vehicle before taking to the roads.
In 1994 there was an incident in the San Juan Islands involving the entire population of Beverly Island disappearing over night. At first it wasn't linked to the Motor Octopus, that discovery was made by the second search team sent in via helicopter after the first crew disappeared shortly after making ground. It was discovered from distant observations and recovered recording equipment that the island was completely infested with Motor Octopuses. Quite a few of the creatures surprisingly abandoned their method of car camouflage and took to hiding inside the walls of houses to swarm anyone who gets close enough. Not just inside houses, but anyplace with an opening where they can fit: mailboxes, buckets, water jugs, barrels, and furniture. Not all of the Octopuses strayed from the norm, to this day passing boats can still see dozens of driverless cars patrolling the streets day and night. Beverly Island is currently off limits to the public. This is, so far, the only incident of this type with the closest equivalent being one of the octopuses breaking into a Vancouver (British Columbia) student's television to keep changing the channels to car advertisements in an attempt to trick the student into going downstairs and outside to take a drive. Another deviation seems to suggest that the Motor Octopuses understand what certain vehicles are used for. A report from a Seattle taxi driver told the story of how he was forcibly restrained in the driver's seat by a swarm of the octopuses while they picked up travelers for the purpose of food. The taxi driver was able to escape because at the end of the octopuses' feeding frenzy, they were too full to eat him and let him go. A movie is currently in the works that will attempt to link these events together. Another curious fact about the Motor Octopus that may be linked to its budding understanding of the functions of certain vehicles, there hasn't been a single case of these octopuses being found in any of the Xavlang brand of cars; Xavlang consistently being the least popular brand of car in the Pacific Northwest. Tests have shown that Motor Octopuses won't even go near one of their cars and will even risk self harm trying to escape if placed inside one. Local car suppliers of Xavlang's competitors wasted no time in making numerous ad campaigns stating that “their cars are so terrible even the octopuses won't touch them.” Xavlang attempted to make a counter ad campaign showing that since the octopuses won't go near their vehicles, that would provide peace of mind that you won't be eaten while trying to get to work. The vast majority of motorists sided with the former, stating that even in the face of life threatening danger, they still have standards.
Even though there is no official explanation as to why the Motor Octopus has taken to using man's machines against him, and also eating him, there is a belief by some that the octopuses are doing it in retaliation to being used as a food source. Despite the fact that the Motor Octopus was relatively unknown to the majority public, it was regularly fished and used as a main ingredient in several brands of processed seafood. Henry Albenzeck, major spokesman for the local fishing and seafood industries, was quick to dismiss these rumors by stating that it's highly unlikely that creatures like the garden variety octopus would be capable of possessing a concept of revenge. He also went on to state that even if this was the cause, he wouldn't stop eating the octopuses as a matter of principle and because of how “effing delicious” they are. Henry Albenzeck is no longer available for further comment after being eaten alive by his Xavlang car for reasons unrelated to the Motor Octopus.